Mr Punch Afloat Part 16

If athletes must pant--I don't say they shan't-- But give them some decent employment; And let it be clear, they don't interfere With other folks' quiet enjoyment!

When luncheon you're o'er, tis really a bore-- And I think it a very hard case is-- To have to look up, from _pate_ or cup, And gaze on those tiresome Races!

_I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._

The Races, to me, seem to strike a wrong key, Mid dreamy delightful diversion; There isn't much fun seeing men in the sun, Who suffer from over-exertion!

In sweet idle days, when all love to laze, Such violent work a disgrace is!

Let's hope we shall see, with me they'll agree, And next year abolish the Races!

_I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._

[Ill.u.s.tration: KNOW THYSELF!

_Miss Featherweight._ "I tell you what, Alfred, if you took me for a row in a thing like that I'd scream all the time. Why, he isn't more than half out of the water!"]

HENLEY REGATTA

_By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt_

All right -- here we are -- quite the waterman -- jolly -- young -- white flannels -- straw hat -- canvas shoes -- umbrella -- mackintosh -- provide against a rainy day! Finest reach for rowing in England -- best regatta in the Eastern Hemisphere -- finest pic-nic in the world!

Gorgeous barges -- palatial houseboats -- superb steam-launches -- skiffs -- randans -- punts -- wherries -- sailing-boats -- dinghies -- canoes! Red Lion crammed from cellar to garret -- not a bed to be had in the town -- comfortable trees all booked a fortnight in advance -- well-aired meadows at a premium! Lion Gardens crammed with gay toilettes -- Grand Stand like a flower-show -- band inspiriting -- church-bells distracting -- sober grey old bridge crammed with carriages -- towing-path blocked up with spectators -- meadows alive with pic-nic parties! Flags flying everywhere -- music -- singers -- n.i.g.g.e.rs -- conjurers -- fortune-tellers! Brilliant liveries of rowing clubs -- red -- blue -- yellow -- green -- purple -- black -- white -- all jumbled up together -- rainbow gone mad -- kaleidoscope with _delirium tremens_.

Henley hospitality proverbial -- invitation to sixteen luncheons -- accept 'em all -- go to none! Find myself at luncheon where I've not been asked -- good plan -- others in reserve! Wet or fine -- rain or s.h.i.+ne -- must be at Henley! If fine, row about all day -- pretty girls -- bright dresses -- gay sunshades. If wet, drop in at hospitable houseboat just for a call -- delightful damsels -- mackintoshes -- umbrellas! Houseboat like Ark -- all in couples -- Joan of Ark in corner with Darby -- Who is she? -- Don't No-ah -- pun effect of cup. Luncheons going on all day -- cups various continually circulating -- fine view -- lots of fun -- delightful, very! People roaring -- rowists howling along bank -- lot of young men with red oars in boat over-exerting themselves -- lot more in boat with blue oars, also over-exerting themselves -- bravo! -- pick her up! -- let her have it! -- well pulled -- everybody gone raving mad! Bang! young men leave off over-exerting themselves -- somebody says somebody has won something. Seems to have been a race about something -- why can't they row quietly? Pa.s.s the claret-cup, please -- Why do they want to interrupt our luncheon? -- Eh?

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WHAT'S IN A NAME?"

(A sketch at a regatta. A warning to "the cloth" when up the river)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CUPID AT SEA

_Angelina (to Edwin, whose only chance is perfect tranquillity)._ "Edwin, dear! If you love me, go down into the cabin, and fetch me my scent bottle and another shawl to put over my feet!"

[_Edwin's sensations are more easily imagined than described._

THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAIDS

And have you not read of eight jolly young watermaids, Lately at Cookham accustomed to ply And feather their oars with a deal of dexterity, Pleasing the critical masculine eye?

They swing so truly and pull so steadily, Mult.i.tudes flock to the river-side readily;-- It's not the eighth wonder that all the world's there, But this watermaid eight, ne'er in want of a stare.

What sights of white costumes! What ties and what hatbands, "Leander cerise!" We don't wish to offend, But are these first thoughts with the das.h.i.+ng young women Who don't dash too much in a spurt off Bourne End?

Mere nonsense, of course! There's no "giggling and leering"-- Complete ruination to rowing and steering;-- "All eyes in the boat" is their coach's first care, And "a spin of twelve miles" is as naught to the fair.

[Ill.u.s.tration: GOOD RESOLUTIONS

_Blenkinsop (on a friend's Yacht) soliloquises._ "I know one thing, if ever I'm rich enough to keep a yacht, I shall spend the money in horses."]

ECHOES FROM THE THAMES

SCENE--_Houseboat in a good position._ TIME--_Evening during "the Regatta week._" PRESENT (_on deck in cozy chairs_)--_He and She._

_She._ Very pretty, the lights, are they not?

_He._ Perfectly charming. So nice after the heat.

_She._ Yes, and really, everything has been delightful.

_He._ Couldn't possibly be better. Wonderful how well it can be done.

_She._ Yes. But, of course, it wants management. You know a lot comes down from town.

_He._ Will the stores send so far?

_She._ Yes, and if they won't others will. And then the local tradespeople are very obliging.

_He._ But don't the servants rather kick at it?

_She._ No, because they are comfortable enough. Put them up in the neighbourhood.

_He._ Ah, to be sure. And your brother looks after the cellar so well.

_She._ Yes, he is quite a genius in that line.

_He._ And it's awfully nice chatting all day.

_She._ Yes, when one doesn't go to sleep.

_He._ And, of course, we can fall back upon the circulating libraries and the newspapers.

_She._ And so much better than town. It must be absolutely ghastly in Piccadilly.

_He._ Yes, so I hear. And then there's the racing!

_She._ Ah, to be sure. To tell the truth, I didn't notice that very much. Was there any winning?

_He._ Oh, yes, a lot. But I really quite forget what----

_She._ Oh, never mind. We can read all about it in to-morrow's papers, and that will be better than bothering about it now.