Harper's Round Table, July 2, 1895 Part 9

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_expostulating_). Nay, nay, the Joker is good! Good Sir Joker, tell the King. Tell them all, that they may know!

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WHAT IS THIS MYSTERY?"]

KING OF HEARTS (_sternly_). Come, Sir Joker, what is this mystery?

JOKER. There is no mystery, my lord. It is all but too plain. Her Majesty the Queen, as you know, did fas.h.i.+on eight large fire-crackers of fine red paper, the which were placed upon the board for the banquet. I went to seek a fan for her Majesty of Spades, and in pa.s.sing the banquet hall curiosity did impel me to look in upon the tables. The fire-crackers are not there, my liege. They have been purloined. They have been stolen.

[_Great excitement. The KINGS and QUEENS talk and gesticulate with one another._]

KING OF HEARTS. What? The fire-crackers are stolen?

JOKER. Ay, my lord, stolen.

KING OF SPADES. And will there be no fireworks after the feast?

KING OF HEARTS. And the thief?

JOKER. It is but left for us to guess.

KING OF HEARTS. And thou hast suspicion?

JOKER. True, my lord, I have.

KING OF HEARTS. Name him, Sir Joker.

ALL. Ay, name him--name him!

JOKER. Nay, nay, my liege. 'Twere unjust falsely to accuse--

KING OF HEARTS. Name him, Sir Joker!

ALL. Ay, name him!

JOKER. My lord--

KING OF HEARTS. Name him. I command thee!

JOKER. Hath no man stolen before?

KING OF HEARTS. Thou meanest--

JOKER. The Knave of Hearts.

ALL (_lifting their hands_). The Knave of Hearts!

KING OF HEARTS. The rascal Knave! Where is he? Come, come, I must have him! He is not here? Then hale me hither that churlish lout, and heavily shall he pay his sins! (_Exeunt the three KNAVES, L._) Aha! but there is no cause for laughter here!

KING OF SPADES (_very much excited, throws himself in an exhausted condition on the bench, L._). Laughter--laughter? Well, I should say thee nay! Is the larder robbed?

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Nay, he has but taken the fire-crackers.

KING OF SPADES. The crackers--the crackers! Did he take the cheese too?

JOKER. Nothing else is gone.

King of Spades. Ah, fortune be praised!

QUEEN OF CLUBS (_to QUEEN OF HEARTS_). And did you fas.h.i.+on these fire-crackers?

KING OF HEARTS. With her own hands she fas.h.i.+oned them.

JOKER. One for each guest.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Indeed--indeed! And is the Queen as dexterous at the fas.h.i.+oning of fire-crackers as she is at the baking of water-crackers and other light confections?

QUEEN OF HEARTS. You are sweet so to flatter me.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. But I so well remember the Christmas pie.

KING OF SPADES. Pie! Where is the pie?

JOKER. It was eaten last Christmas, the pie.

KING OF SPADES. Oh, alack!

JOKER. But it was a noteworthy pie. I have rhymed upon it. Pray listen.

[_Sings._]

"Sing a song of sixpence, A pocket full of rye, Four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie; When the pie was opened The birds began to sing; Was not that a dainty dish to set before the King?"

KING OF SPADES. Indeed that must have been a toothsome dish.

[_Noise and commotion without. Enter the KNAVES, L., two dragging, one pus.h.i.+ng the KNAVE OF HEARTS. He is forced to his knees in front of the KING OF HEARTS' throne._]

KING OF HEARTS (_sternly_). There be severe accusations against thee, Knave.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Oh, my King! I pray--

[Ill.u.s.tration: "DIDST THOU STEAL THE FIRE-CRACKERS?"]

KING OF HEARTS. Silence, churl! Answer but my questions. Didst thou steal the fire-crackers?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Not "steal," my lord.

KING OF HEARTS. Didst thou steal the fire-crackers?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. I did but take them from the table.

KING OF HEARTS. Thou makest confession, then?