Julius Caesar Chapter 26

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<▪▪pretense▪▪>

"Are you sure?" I whispered, feeling a lump in my throat for the hundredth time today . "I mean, are sure she hasn't recovered-"

"Julius, I don't see why you're skeptical about this . This makes it a milestone easier . " My father grinned, s.h.i.+fted, then leaned closer to me to whisper . "There's nothing more vulnerable and naïve as a blind girl . " He then, leaned back, clasped his hands and grinned as I pursed my lips together not knowing what to say .

"You said Ricardo was " I started thoughtfully, but he immediately cut me off .

"A lawyer . Yes . We don't know anything about the girl, except for her name . Sam . And that she's a blind cat . All her records are inaccessible-" he said excitedly and I raised my eyebrows, sighing .

"But still-" I studied Father, expressionless . "-how can we find her?" I continued, diverting my gaze to the ashtray holding Father's burning cigar . The smoke twirled up as I tilted my head absentmindedly to watch it .

The chest tightness I felt was beyond belief . Because here was the thing . I spitefully ran away from Father and planned an inexorable, intricate plan . Everything was going the way I fancied . But how could I ever be right? How could I ever not be humiliated by my father every-d.a.m.n-time?

"How hard could it be, huh?" He grinned . "Finding a blind Sam, about your age? Roaming around in London? Besides, I've got many people looking for her and they already have many suspects . " He stated proudly and I felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs in defeat .

This can't be it . He can't win just yet . Not like that . Not after all that, I thought in vain .

"What is in those doc.u.ments that are so important?" I asked breathlessly . "Important enough for you to come to London and investigate, yourself . " I tapped my feet angrily, ensuring however, that my face didn't portray my emotions . "We've killed so many people . This isn't our legacy . Our legacy is minimum damage and maximum benefit . We've exceeded our minimum . And to no avail . "

"You have, Julius . You have killed so many people . You have exceeded our minimum . But so what? Since when did you get sentimental about what it takes to get a job done? For the sake of Gorj?" He raised his eyebrows and played with his ring . He wasn't even looking at me .

And he ignored my question . "This is no longer our kind of business, Father . This turned to murder . Crime . Horrendous-" I started, feeling infuriated .

Father raised a hand to stop me . "You've become sentimental, indeed," he muttered, laughing bitterly . But then he stopped and changed gears . "Don't for a second, for a fleeting millisecond, Julius, forget who you are . What you have become . Don't dare think that your guilt will make your situation even slightly better . Don't dare lie to yourself by your performance, Julius . You can't pretend to be someone else . And remember," he paused angrily . "-that if it weren't for your s.l.u.t's death, you'd still be my doormat, doing what I wanted and commanded . You'd still be killing people like pigs . Seeing you like this," he scowled, trailing his index finger in the air . "-disgusts me, son . I can withstand all people's unpleasantness, except for hypocrisy . Makes me puke, son . "

I glared icily at him . "That still doesn't answer my question . Father," I stated flatly, ignoring the pang in my heart at his words . He was reminding me of something I couldn't forget . Of a consuming darkness -my darkness- that I couldn't escape . I really couldn't .

He was right, but maybe I changed .

Or maybe I was pretending all that time . Pretending that I could feel guilty . Pretending that I could feel . Maybe, this was for a while until I got over Audrey and everyone I'd lost . Maybe I'd start to get bad again like I did when Mom died . Maybe, I thought I could escape my darkness by 'standing in the sun' with good, innocent people . People who knew no darkness, unlike me . Darkness? Darkness was my friend .

Funny really . Maybe it was just a phase .

"What is in the b.l.o.o.d.y doc.u.ments?" I repeated, shutting my eyes against my thoughts .

Father smirked . "Would you believe me if I told you what's in them?" he said, picking his cigar between his thumb and index finger, raising an eyebrow and piercing his eyes through me .

I let my eyes wander around the room . The big vase next to the door, the three purple velvet couches and the black horse painting above the couch father was sitting on . Sam's blood on the floor .

I stared at it for a while and let myself believe that I was somehow drawn to it . Like it was seducing me and that maybe -just maybe- I was desiring more of it . More blood . Maybe I was my old self . The old version of me who found satisfaction and pleasure in warm blood . And for some reason, this thought terrified me .

Maybe I was drooling and I had to swipe my drool off .

"I would because you'd think I wouldn't," I replied anyway light-headedly, looking away and shaking my head from my haunting thoughts that managed to raise my heartbeat and dry my mouth .

Father smirked . "You can act as smart as you can, but at the end, you'll have to do what I tell you . If I told you to shut the h.e.l.l up because I won't tell you what's in the doc.u.ments . You will shut the h.e.l.l up because you can do nothing about it . So I guess," he said smiling easily . "-that answers your question . "

"Augustus should know who you really are-" I grimaced disgustedly, but he cut me .

"Augustus should know who you really are-" I grimaced disgustedly, but he cut me .

"But he knows, Julius . He knows . I'm just keeping him away . I'm protecting him . " He smiled and I laughed humorlessly .

"But I guess you failed somehow," I hissed, leaning forward to intimidate him . "You couldn't protect him from me, his brother . "

"Half-brother," he corrected, cleared his throat, then smiled . "But, that's okay," he then said, waving his hand dismissively . "He will never see you again . I mean, don't think because you're blood-related, that you can get close and all that . That'd be pathetic, son . I mean Augustus won't even a.s.sociate with your likes . He knows better . "

If he only knew how close we were . But maybe I was pretending that too .

I smirked, but shut up momentarily .

"I hope he loves you the same way you love him . " I said, staring into his dark brown eyes intently and smiling twistedly . "I really do . "

Father s.h.i.+fted a bit, pinched his nose once, then smiled . "I hope so too . Because you know, it would hurt me as a father . Oh wait-" He stopped, opened his mouth and then rubbed his chin . "-you were never a father, were you? I don't think you'd understand this pain . The pain of losing a son or a daughter to someone . Or something . "

I was taken aback by his vague, yet close to home words, but I covered it up . Like I always do . I couldn't show father my weaknesses even though I was quite sure he knew them very well . He was not stupid . He only hit where and when he was sure it'd hurt . "Thanks to you, Father . " I said grinning .

"Anytime, son," he retorted with a deep breath as he got up and looked down at me . "I think I should leave, now that I've delivered my message . And you better start working on it . " He then adjusted his suit then headed toward the door as his men followed . How many? Ten? It took him ten of his mean to have a talk with me . His son . Maybe I should've laughed at this .

"Oh-" he declared, turning to me . "I'll be watching you very closely . Try not to go astray . "

"Why? Don't you trust your son?" I teased, clenching my jaws .

He chuckled not even looking at me . "Not my sentimental, pathetic son, no . After all, once bitten, twice shy, Julius . " He laughed again before he exited the room and soon the suite with his ten bulk, black-suited men .

I then got up and angrily knocked over the chair I sat on . I was beyond furious . I was betrayed and actually scared . Not for me . Not really . I was scared of me . I was scared that what Father said was true . That maybe I was pretending .

I then got up and angrily knocked over the chair I sat on . I was beyond furious . I was betrayed and actually scared . Not for me . Not really . I was scared of me . I was scared that what Father said was true . That maybe I was pretending .

And I was scared that my plan had terribly failed . And that the girl -I tried so hard to help- was dead . And that this might be the fate of another girl that I might not find any time soon to 'protect' . Or at least try .

After aimlessly roaming around the room and smoking a cigarette, I sat on the couch Father sat on and held my head in my hands . I had to look for someone, who was blind, had a dead father who was a lawyer, who was about my age, whose name was . . . Sam?

I frowned in deep focus not knowing what to do . I then suddenly felt a bubble of uneasiness expand in my chest .

Oh Lord-

What if that wasn't her name? What if I'd misheard it? Then a memory flashed in front of my eyes .

'"'Having no time to waste, I knelt down next to him and forcefully grabbed his head with the hair he had left . He let out a shriek and I pulled harder .

I liked the sound of his scream . Sounded like a p.u.s.s.y to me . But the following silence would be much more pleasurable, punctuated by -I hope- a trail of his stale, warm blood when I put a bullet in his skull . If he didn't answer .

"Look, old man," I said tugging harder . "I've spent an hour trying to get that b.l.o.o.d.y answer out of your filthy mouth! If you don't tell me-" I said feeling the anger course in my body . "I'll kill you . I'll make sure that nothing of you remains on this earth . I'll diminish your existence . I'll kill your daughter-"

"No-ot Sam-" he spluttered as his eyes sparkled with renewed fear and his light eyebrows furrowed pleadingly .

Fear . People's fuel to get them to do what they're asked . '"'

He definitely said Sam, I remembered, but fear ripped my guts as realization dawned on me . He wasn't really trying to say Sam . He was trying to say . . . Samantha .

What if that was the case? The man was dying and the name was quite long . It made perfect sense . I sat up at the realization . It was her . Samantha . She was blind, about my age, had a dead father, a lawyer . And . . . her anklet, I sat down again gasping at the memory .

'"' I was staring all the while at the girl's tapping feet and the anklet she wore that kept jingling . It was a silver anklet with many charms . There was a letter S and a letter R surrounded by tiny dangling sapphire jewels . It looked really nice . '"'

S for Samantha and R for Ricardo . Samantha Ricardo Murd .
'"' I was staring all the while at the girl's tapping feet and the anklet she wore that kept jingling . It was a silver anklet with many charms . There was a letter S and a letter R surrounded by tiny dangling sapphire jewels . It looked really nice . '"'

S for Samantha and R for Ricardo . Samantha Ricardo Murd .

But how could I be sure? I had to see her again . I had to ask her lots of questions . I had to protect her, too . Then I'd use her to get the doc.u.ments . Then I'd use those doc.u.ments against Father . And that would mean that I hadn't lost after all .

But Father would be monitoring me . How could I meet her without raising suspicion? How could I explain it to her? How could I explain my sudden interest in her dead father and some doc.u.ments? How would I tell her about the reason her father died? How would she accept it? How would I tell her that I was the one who killed her father?

No . You don't have to tell her that, Julius- I thought .

My heart was beating fast at the impossibility of my situation . How could I protect her from Father? What if one of his men saw her already? But wait- they didn't know 'the girl's' real name . That was if my theory turned out to be correct, of course .

There was only one way around this . One way only .

Samantha must regain her vision . And I'd have to convince her to do so . How would she respond to my sudden reappearance in her life? How would she accept me after having neglected her for so long?

I just hoped she'd forgive me . If not for my sake, for her life's sake .

***

A/N: Now this was a 'meh' chapter . But it had to be there (him realizing after all of y'all realizing lmao), so *shrugs*

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it! Stay tuned for more ;)

Love you all <>

Rate, Vote and Comment (RVC- lol I made that up and I will use it in the upcoming chapters), whenever possible! Thanks! <3 ***=""><▪▪pretense▪▪> Are you sure? I whispered, feeling a lump in my throat for the hundredth time today . I mean, are sure she hasnt recovered- Julius, I dont see why youre skeptical about this . This makes it a milestone easier . My father grinned, s.h.i.+fted, then leaned closer to me to whisper . Theres nothing more vulnerable and naïve as a blind girl . He then, leaned back, clasped his hands and grinned as I pursed my lips together not knowing what to say . You said Ricardo was I started thoughtfully, but he immediately cut me off . A lawyer . Yes . We dont know anything about the girl, except for her name . Sam . And that shes a blind cat . All her records are inaccessible- he said excitedly and I raised my eyebrows, sighing . But still- I studied Father, expressionless . -how can we find her? I continued, diverting my gaze to the ashtray holding Fathers burning cigar . The smoke twirled up as I tilted my head absentmindedly to watch it . The chest tightness I felt was beyond belief . Because here was the thing . I spitefully ran away from Father and planned an inexorable, intricate plan . Everything was going the way I fancied . But how could I ever be right? How could I ever not be humiliated by my father every-d.a.m.n-time? How hard could it be, huh? He grinned . Finding a blind Sam, about your age? Roaming around in London? Besides, Ive got many people looking for her and they already have many suspects . He stated proudly and I felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs in defeat . This cant be it . He cant win just yet . Not like that . Not after all that, I thought in vain . What is in those doc.u.ments that are so important? I asked breathlessly . Important enough for you to come to London and investigate, yourself . I tapped my feet angrily, ensuring however, that my face didnt portray my emotions . Weve killed so many people . This isnt our legacy . Our legacy is minimum damage and maximum benefit . Weve exceeded our minimum . And to no avail . You have, Julius . You have killed so many people . You have exceeded our minimum . But so what? Since when did you get sentimental about what it takes to get a job done? For the sake of Gorj? He raised his eyebrows and played with his ring . He wasnt even looking at me . And he ignored my question . This is no longer our kind of business, Father . This turned to murder . Crime . Horrendous- I started, feeling infuriated . Father raised a hand to stop me . Youve become sentimental, indeed, he muttered, laughing bitterly . But then he stopped and changed gears . Dont for a second, for a fleeting millisecond, Julius, forget who you are . What you have become . Dont dare think that your guilt will make your situation even slightly better . Dont dare lie to yourself by your performance, Julius . You cant pretend to be someone else . And remember, he paused angrily . -that if it werent for your s.l.u.ts death, youd still be my doormat, doing what I wanted and commanded . Youd still be killing people like pigs . Seeing you like this, he scowled, trailing his index finger in the air . -disgusts me, son . I can withstand all peoples unpleasantness, except for hypocrisy . Makes me puke, son . I glared icily at him . That still doesnt answer my question . Father, I stated flatly, ignoring the pang in my heart at his words . He was reminding me of something I couldnt forget . Of a consuming darkness -my darkness- that I couldnt escape . I really couldnt . He was right, but maybe I changed . Or maybe I was pretending all that time . Pretending that I could feel guilty . Pretending that I could feel . Maybe, this was for a while until I got over Audrey and everyone Id lost . Maybe Id start to get bad again like I did when Mom died . Maybe, I thought I could escape my darkness by standing in the sun with good, innocent people . People who knew no darkness, unlike me . Darkness? Darkness was my friend . Funny really . Maybe it was just a phase . What is in the b.l.o.o.d.y doc.u.ments? I repeated, shutting my eyes against my thoughts . Father smirked . Would you believe me if I told you whats in them? he said, picking his cigar between his thumb and index finger, raising an eyebrow and piercing his eyes through me . I let my eyes wander around the room . The big vase next to the door, the three purple velvet couches and the black horse painting above the couch father was sitting on . Sams blood on the floor . I stared at it for a while and let myself believe that I was somehow drawn to it . Like it was seducing me and that maybe -just maybe- I was desiring more of it . More blood . Maybe I was my old self . The old version of me who found satisfaction and pleasure in warm blood . And for some reason, this thought terrified me . Maybe I was drooling and I had to swipe my drool off . I would because youd think I wouldnt, I replied anyway light-headedly, looking away and shaking my head from my haunting thoughts that managed to raise my heartbeat and dry my mouth . Father smirked . You can act as smart as you can, but at the end, youll have to do what I tell you . If I told you to shut the h.e.l.l up because I wont tell you whats in the doc.u.ments . You will shut the h.e.l.l up because you can do nothing about it . So I guess, he said smiling easily . -that answers your question . Augustus should know who you really are- I grimaced disgustedly, but he cut me . But he knows, Julius . He knows . Im just keeping him away . Im protecting him . He smiled and I laughed humorlessly . But I guess you failed somehow, I hissed, leaning forward to intimidate him . You couldnt protect him from me, his brother . Half-brother, he corrected, cleared his throat, then smiled . But, thats okay, he then said, waving his hand dismissively . He will never see you again . I mean, dont think because youre blood-related, that you can get close and all that . Thatd be pathetic, son . I mean Augustus wont even a.s.sociate with your likes . He knows better . If he only knew how close we were . But maybe I was pretending that too . I smirked, but shut up momentarily . I hope he loves you the same way you love him . I said, staring into his dark brown eyes intently and smiling twistedly . I really do . Father s.h.i.+fted a bit, pinched his nose once, then smiled . I hope so too . Because you know, it would hurt me as a father . Oh wait- He stopped, opened his mouth and then rubbed his chin . -you were never a father, were you? I dont think youd understand this pain . The pain of losing a son or a daughter to someone . Or something . I was taken aback by his vague, yet close to home words, but I covered it up . Like I always do . I couldnt show father my weaknesses even though I was quite sure he knew them very well . He was not stupid . He only hit where and when he was sure itd hurt . Thanks to you, Father . I said grinning . Anytime, son, he retorted with a deep breath as he got up and looked down at me . I think I should leave, now that Ive delivered my message . And you better start working on it . He then adjusted his suit then headed toward the door as his men followed . How many? Ten? It took him ten of his mean to have a talk with me . His son . Maybe I shouldve laughed at this . Oh- he declared, turning to me . Ill be watching you very closely . Try not to go astray . Why? Dont you trust your son? I teased, clenching my jaws . He chuckled not even looking at me . Not my sentimental, pathetic son, no . After all, once bitten, twice shy, Julius . He laughed again before he exited the room and soon the suite with his ten bulk, black-suited men . I then got up and angrily knocked over the chair I sat on . I was beyond furious . I was betrayed and actually scared . Not for me . Not really . I was scared of me . I was scared that what Father said was true . That maybe I was pretending . And I was scared that my plan had terribly failed . And that the girl -I tried so hard to help- was dead . And that this might be the fate of another girl that I might not find any time soon to protect . Or at least try . After aimlessly roaming around the room and smoking a cigarette, I sat on the couch Father sat on and held my head in my hands . I had to look for someone, who was blind, had a dead father who was a lawyer, who was about my age, whose name was . Sam? I frowned in deep focus not knowing what to do . I then suddenly felt a bubble of uneasiness expand in my chest . Oh Lord- What if that wasnt her name? What if Id misheard it? Then a memory flashed in front of my eyes . Having no time to waste, I knelt down next to him and forcefully grabbed his head with the hair he had left . He let out a shriek and I pulled harder . I liked the sound of his scream . Sounded like a p.u.s.s.y to me . But the following silence would be much more pleasurable, punctuated by -I hope- a trail of his stale, warm blood when I put a bullet in his skull . If he didnt answer . Look, old man, I said tugging harder . Ive spent an hour trying to get that b.l.o.o.d.y answer out of your filthy mouth! If you dont tell me- I said feeling the anger course in my body . Ill kill you . Ill make sure that nothing of you remains on this earth . Ill diminish your existence . Ill kill your daughter- No-ot Sam- he spluttered as his eyes sparkled with renewed fear and his light eyebrows furrowed pleadingly . Fear . Peoples fuel to get them to do what theyre asked . He definitely said Sam, I remembered, but fear ripped my guts as realization dawned on me . He wasnt really trying to say Sam . He was trying to say . Samantha . What if that was the case? The man was dying and the name was quite long . It made perfect sense . I sat up at the realization . It was her . Samantha . She was blind, about my age, had a dead father, a lawyer . And . her anklet, I sat down again gasping at the memory . I was staring all the while at the girls tapping feet and the anklet she wore that kept jingling . It was a silver anklet with many charms . There was a letter S and a letter R surrounded by tiny dangling sapphire jewels . It looked really nice . S for Samantha and R for Ricardo . Samantha Ricardo Murd . But how could I be sure? I had to see her again . I had to ask her lots of questions . I had to protect her, too . Then Id use her to get the doc.u.ments . Then Id use those doc.u.ments against Father . And that would mean that I hadnt lost after all . But Father would be monitoring me . How could I meet her without raising suspicion? How could I explain it to her? How could I explain my sudden interest in her dead father and some doc.u.ments? How would I tell her about the reason her father died? How would she accept it? How would I tell her that I was the one who killed her father? No . You dont have to tell her that, Julius- I thought . My heart was beating fast at the impossibility of my situation . How could I protect her from Father? What if one of his men saw her already? But wait- they didnt know the girls real name . That was if my theory turned out to be correct, of course . There was only one way around this . One way only . Samantha must regain her vision . And Id have to convince her to do so . How would she respond to my sudden reappearance in her life? How would she accept me after having neglected her for so long? I just hoped shed forgive me . If not for my sake, for her lifes sake . *** A/N: Now this was a meh chapter . But it had to be there (him realizing after all of yall realizing lmao), so *shrugs* Anyway, hope you enjoyed it! Stay tuned for more ;) Love you all <3 rate,="" vote="" and="" comment="" (rvc-="" lol="" i="" made="" that="" up="" and="" i="" will="" use="" it="" in="" the="" upcoming="" chapters),="" whenever="" possible!="" thanks!=""><3>