Julius Caesar Chapter 36

***

Alexander's POV .

I placed my head in my hands, my fingers in my hair and closed my eyes .

This was the fifth night in a row . The fifth night, my heart was dying in . The fifth night, my chest was tight and nothing seemed to matter to me anymore . This was the fifth night he didn't return .

Augustus didn't come back home for five straight days and I felt like dying .

Nothing made sense and I felt like I was drowning . I did a big mistake . And what I was going through now were the consequences .

And so here I was, sitting on Augustus's empty bed, that missed his body's warmth for days . Here I was feeling completely numb and breathless . Here I was sitting with a bottle of wine in my hand hoping, hoping that it'd make me forget . Forget what though? Forget the pain I've caused my son?

I never meant it . I never knew . But it wasn't his fault .

But still, that wasn't enough reason for him to just disappear . He was so much stronger . I knew him .

What he did was cruel . I didn't know if he was happy, sad, alive, dead, or rotting in a ditch in the middle of the woods . And that was enough to drive me on edge . To drive me insane .

I crumpled his bed sheets in anger but then gave up defeated . What was the point? Would raging over him make him come back? But where was he? Could it be possible that someone hurt him?

A sudden feeling of dread overcame my numb senses and got me to my feet . My heart raged against my rib cage as my thoughts spiralled out of control . And I couldn't calm down until I found myself in my car, with my coats' collar raised against the iciness of the winter .

I knew where to go to find him .

---

I stood in front of a suite's door, my gun in my hand and my heart in my mouth . I was so very desperate . I was terrified in the most indescribable ways . It was 2 a . m and I couldn't care less . I needed to find him . I was losing it without him . Augustus .

I curled my shaky fingers into fists as I rapped at the door impatiently . The door was then immediately yanked open violently . I clenched my jaws as my eyes met my other son's lost, dark green eyes .

They were always that lost . Julius's eyes .

He stood in the doorway in only sweatpants with his hair standing everywhere, reminding me acutely of his brother . His face was impossibly wiped off emotion . He was like a breathing, blinking, living statue .

I raised my gun to his head and was surprised when he did absolutely nothing, but stand there, lips slightly parted .

Feeling anger course through my body at his apathy with this whole situation, I stepped into the suite as he wordlessly backed away . He wouldn't stop staring at me .

Pitying, torturing me, with his eyes . His mother's eyes .

"Where is he?" I said, my voice rough and loud .

There was no control now . Control lost its meaning the moment I lost my son .

Julius stared at me and said nothing . He always did that . Stay silent . Not utter a thing . He was always under control . Always immune to my control over him . And I wondered so many times what could be going on inside his head . What could he be thinking of me now?

I tightened my hold around my gun and noticed Julius frown slightly . Maybe because he noticed how unnerved I was . How messed up I felt . But he said nothing .

"Julius Caesar Alexander," I warned as I let my eyes travel his length . Strong, well-built body . Steady, una.s.suming stance . "I'm warning you . I'll pull the trigger if you don't say a thing . So stop acting like a b.l.o.o.d.y mute and answer me! Where is he?!" I growled and Julius raised his eyebrows .

"I don't know who you're talking about . Father," he added confidently and I suddenly felt stupid .

What was I doing? Was I really exposing my vulnerable self to that pathetic excuse of a son?

"Augustus . " I breathed with a stomach lurch . "What did you do to him?" I said . "WHAT DID YOU TO HIM?! WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE TO YOU?!"

I noticed Julius flinch, recover, then smirk as his some hair strands fell over his left eye .

"Nothing . I did nothing . " He said hardly moving his lips .

I pursed my lips .

"LIAR!" I thundered as I looked into his dull eyes .

He shrugged . "Okay," was all he said, before turning his back to me .

He shrugged . "Okay," was all he said, before turning his back to me .

"HAVE YOU LOST IT, JULIUS?!" My body shook in raw rage at his disobedience .

"No . Not at all Father," he said coldly, still giving me his toned back as a view . "I'm not the one who lost it . Clearly . "

He walked away into a room, away from me, as I stared at his back incredulously .

I then walked determined, toward him and grabbed him by his left arm . He turned to face me with icy eyes and lips pressed to a thin line as I pressed the gun to the side of his head . How was he capable of acting, being and looking so inhuman? More hair fell over of his face covering his eyes . He shook his head to clear his vision from his hair .

I felt his body's heat warm my cold hand that clutched his arm as I glared at him .

"What? Going to kill me now?" he said scoffing and I blinked at him . "Finally, you decided to take me out of my prodigious misery?"

"What did you do to Augustus?" I repeated determined and his lips curled into a perfect sneer that matched his sharp, unkind features .

"Well, here's what I did . I shot his girlfriend in her chest . Right in front of his eyes . And didn't do s.h.i.+t about it . Happy? Happy?!" He yelled in my face, before shrugging off my hand, catching me completely off guard .

"I'm not happy," I felt myself choke on words as I looked at Julius's figure and shook my head . Tears blurred my vision, as I backed away from Julius who looked at me aghast . "I'm not happy at all . "

"Who is, Father?! Who is? No one!" he shouted as his arm moved around to emphasize his point . It didn't need emphasis . It was crystal clear . "Everything's just another problem, in the sea of problems that's drowning the h.e.l.l out of us! We were meant to drown or learn how to swim, knowing that it'll inevitably also be the death of us . And we almost always chose swimming and dealing with our s.h.i.+t without banging on people's doors after midnight and accusing them of our s.h.i.+t!" he screamed and I felt a sharp, acute pain in my chest .

"Just leave, Father . " His voice was gentle, pitiful . "-and let me forget you ever came here and did all this . " He continued as I squeezed shut my eyes . "This never happened . " He raised an arm toward me then dropped it limply by his side .

And I found myself nodding at what he said . What else did I expect out of him?

I tried to stand straighter, but a sharp pain ripped my left arm . I dropped my gun and held my arm instead as I screwed my face . I suddenly found myself unable to breathe and that every breath felt like a sharp knife was mauling my existence .

I saw Julius cautiously approach me from my peripheral vision with a shocked expression painted all over the hills and valleys in his face .

I groaned at the intensified pain in my chest and stumbled back only to be held by Julius .

"Dad?" He gasped with a shaky breath as I looked up at his concerned face in a haze . His weary, worry-filled emeralds . It almost made me feel sick .

Another pain wave attacked me and I found myself breathless .

Another pain wave attacked me and I found myself breathless .

"f.u.c.k," was the last thing I heard Julius say before darkness took over .

---

My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I noticed was how dry my mouth felt and the beeping of the machines that apparently engulfed me . I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath .

I fluttered my eyes open again and stared at the bright, white lights above me . Distracted by their brightness that overloaded my retinas, I jerked my head to the side to find Julius sprawled on a chair next to my bed . His head was lolled to the back and his mouth was opened as his chest heaved up and down slowly .

I examined his dirty white s.h.i.+rt, sweatpants and cigarette scars that decorated his limp arms . His hair was a mess and his visage pale . His legs were outstretched in front of him and I wondered how he managed to sleep in such a sorry position .

But what was he doing here? Was he here to humiliate me? To watch me when I was crippled and sick?

Feeling mad, I dared snap . "Julius!"

He woke up with a jerk . His deep emerald eyes were wide and alert, reaching out for me in ways I never thought was possible with inhumanity .

"Something's hurting you-" he started approaching me, but I snapped at him .

"What in G.o.d's name are you doing here?" I said locking his eyes with mine as I watched his concerned face quickly neutralize, leaving a ghost of emotion on his features .

He raised his eyebrows slightly and said nothing .

"Why the h.e.l.l are you here? Can't you see that I'm doing fine and that I don't need you?" I said, feeling sweat beads form on my forehead despite the coolness of the room .

"You had a heart att" His breathing fastened as I watched his throat move with difficulty .

"So you came to babysit me?" I said harshly and his eyebrows furrowed .

"No-" He was shaking his head quickly as his lips parted .

"What?" I frowned deeply . "You thought that that was expected out of you for instance?" I said loudly and I saw him sigh . He ran a hand through his hair and I pursed my lips, staring at him .

"I don't expect anything out of you . " I exploded and looked away from him . "You have always been controlled by me . I am your b.l.o.o.d.y brain . I brought about every action in your life . I was your master . That's why I know that the moment I leave you, is the moment you fall, Julius . " I shook my head disapprovingly .

I then s.h.i.+fted in my bed a bit, feeling the presence of uncomfortable plastic tubing on my arms and torso . I felt like ripping them off . "I expect nothing out of you, Julius . So you needn't stay to babysit me . I haven't asked you to do that-"
"I don't expect anything out of you . " I exploded and looked away from him . "You have always been controlled by me . I am your b.l.o.o.d.y brain . I brought about every action in your life . I was your master . That's why I know that the moment I leave you, is the moment you fall, Julius . " I shook my head disapprovingly .

I then s.h.i.+fted in my bed a bit, feeling the presence of uncomfortable plastic tubing on my arms and torso . I felt like ripping them off . "I expect nothing out of you, Julius . So you needn't stay to babysit me . I haven't asked you to do that-"

"You didn't," he interrupted with a heavy sigh, but I didn't even glance at him . "That was something I thought of . Something you didn't think for me," he added bitterly and I smirked .

"Well . Good job . You've done quite atrociously on your first thought . So let me think you the second one," I said still looking away . "Leave . "

"I shall . " His voice was deep and void of emotion . I clenched my jaws . "But we have a lot to discuss, Father . "

I ignored his snide comment, then snapped my head to him angrily . "Funny, Julius . Funny how I'm supposed to be looking at my son, but find myself staring at a stranger . "

Julius's green fiery eyes locked mine as his eyebrows sunk deeply . "Funny I'm hearing that from you . Now . " His voice was rough, his hair was a mess and his eyes . . . his eyes were just sad .

I ignored him again . "Maybe it's funny . But I know how much you wish you had a family . A caring home . A good future . A normal life . I know how much that breaks you, son . I know how much it breaks you that we're no more than strangers . How much it breaks you, that you mean no more to me than a stranger, actually . I know that it kills you from inside . But it'll always stay that way . I know you, son . I know you more than the shape of my palms . "

Julius stared at me with a vacant face and said nothing as the left corner of his lips twitched .

I then lurched forward taking him by surprise . "And don't you ever think that I'll be expecting your forgiveness . " I panted . "That'd be stupid, son . So stupid . "

His eyes fluttered close for a second as a painful smile tried pulling the corner of his lips . The smile failed miserably .

"Okay," he then said simply as his voice broke at the end .

I took a deep breath, smirked and laid back in the bed, looking ahead of me . I soon heard a bit of shuffling before finally, the shutting of a door .

I clenched my jaws and fists .

What? Why are you mad at me?

All I said was the b.l.o.o.d.y truth . Nothing else .

***

A/N: Huh, why are you so mean, Alex? *inserts pouty face*

Anyway, drrramaaa ;) *** Alexanders POV . I placed my head in my hands, my fingers in my hair and closed my eyes . This was the fifth night in a row . The fifth night, my heart was dying in . The fifth night, my chest was tight and nothing seemed to matter to me anymore . This was the fifth night he didnt return . Augustus didnt come back home for five straight days and I felt like dying . Nothing made sense and I felt like I was drowning . I did a big mistake . And what I was going through now were the consequences . And so here I was, sitting on Augustuss empty bed, that missed his bodys warmth for days . Here I was feeling completely numb and breathless . Here I was sitting with a bottle of wine in my hand hoping, hoping that itd make me forget . Forget what though? Forget the pain Ive caused my son? I never meant it . I never knew . But it wasnt his fault . But still, that wasnt enough reason for him to just disappear . He was so much stronger . I knew him . What he did was cruel . I didnt know if he was happy, sad, alive, dead, or rotting in a ditch in the middle of the woods . And that was enough to drive me on edge . To drive me insane . I crumpled his bed sheets in anger but then gave up defeated . What was the point? Would raging over him make him come back? But where was he? Could it be possible that someone hurt him? A sudden feeling of dread overcame my numb senses and got me to my feet . My heart raged against my rib cage as my thoughts spiralled out of control . And I couldnt calm down until I found myself in my car, with my coats collar raised against the iciness of the winter . I knew where to go to find him . --- I stood in front of a suites door, my gun in my hand and my heart in my mouth . I was so very desperate . I was terrified in the most indescribable ways . It was 2 a . m and I couldnt care less . I needed to find him . I was losing it without him . Augustus . I curled my shaky fingers into fists as I rapped at the door impatiently . The door was then immediately yanked open violently . I clenched my jaws as my eyes met my other sons lost, dark green eyes . They were always that lost . Juliuss eyes . He stood in the doorway in only sweatpants with his hair standing everywhere, reminding me acutely of his brother . His face was impossibly wiped off emotion . He was like a breathing, blinking, living statue . I raised my gun to his head and was surprised when he did absolutely nothing, but stand there, lips slightly parted . Feeling anger course through my body at his apathy with this whole situation, I stepped into the suite as he wordlessly backed away . He wouldnt stop staring at me . Pitying, torturing me, with his eyes . His mothers eyes . Where is he? I said, my voice rough and loud . There was no control now . Control lost its meaning the moment I lost my son . Julius stared at me and said nothing . He always did that . Stay silent . Not utter a thing . He was always under control . Always immune to my control over him . And I wondered so many times what could be going on inside his head . What could he be thinking of me now? I tightened my hold around my gun and noticed Julius frown slightly . Maybe because he noticed how unnerved I was . How messed up I felt . But he said nothing . Julius Caesar Alexander, I warned as I let my eyes travel his length . Strong, well-built body . Steady, una.s.suming stance . Im warning you . Ill pull the trigger if you dont say a thing . So stop acting like a b.l.o.o.d.y mute and answer me! Where is he?! I growled and Julius raised his eyebrows . I dont know who youre talking about . Father, he added confidently and I suddenly felt stupid . What was I doing? Was I really exposing my vulnerable self to that pathetic excuse of a son? Augustus . I breathed with a stomach lurch . What did you do to him? I said . WHAT DID YOU TO HIM?! WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE TO YOU?! I noticed Julius flinch, recover, then smirk as his some hair strands fell over his left eye . Nothing . I did nothing . He said hardly moving his lips . I pursed my lips . LIAR! I thundered as I looked into his dull eyes . He shrugged . Okay, was all he said, before turning his back to me . HAVE YOU LOST IT, JULIUS?! My body shook in raw rage at his disobedience . No . Not at all Father, he said coldly, still giving me his toned back as a view . Im not the one who lost it . Clearly . He walked away into a room, away from me, as I stared at his back incredulously . I then walked determined, toward him and grabbed him by his left arm . He turned to face me with icy eyes and lips pressed to a thin line as I pressed the gun to the side of his head . How was he capable of acting, being and looking so inhuman? More hair fell over of his face covering his eyes . He shook his head to clear his vision from his hair . I felt his bodys heat warm my cold hand that clutched his arm as I glared at him . What? Going to kill me now? he said scoffing and I blinked at him . Finally, you decided to take me out of my prodigious misery? What did you do to Augustus? I repeated determined and his lips curled into a perfect sneer that matched his sharp, unkind features . Well, heres what I did . I shot his girlfriend in her chest . Right in front of his eyes . And didnt do s.h.i.+t about it . Happy? Happy?! He yelled in my face, before shrugging off my hand, catching me completely off guard . Im not happy, I felt myself choke on words as I looked at Juliuss figure and shook my head . Tears blurred my vision, as I backed away from Julius who looked at me aghast . Im not happy at all . Who is, Father?! Who is? No one! he shouted as his arm moved around to emphasize his point . It didnt need emphasis . It was crystal clear . Everythings just another problem, in the sea of problems thats drowning the h.e.l.l out of us! We were meant to drown or learn how to swim, knowing that itll inevitably also be the death of us . And we almost always chose swimming and dealing with our s.h.i.+t without banging on peoples doors after midnight and accusing them of our s.h.i.+t! he screamed and I felt a sharp, acute pain in my chest . Just leave, Father . His voice was gentle, pitiful . -and let me forget you ever came here and did all this . He continued as I squeezed shut my eyes . This never happened . He raised an arm toward me then dropped it limply by his side . And I found myself nodding at what he said . What else did I expect out of him? I tried to stand straighter, but a sharp pain ripped my left arm . I dropped my gun and held my arm instead as I screwed my face . I suddenly found myself unable to breathe and that every breath felt like a sharp knife was mauling my existence . I saw Julius cautiously approach me from my peripheral vision with a shocked expression painted all over the hills and valleys in his face . I groaned at the intensified pain in my chest and stumbled back only to be held by Julius . Dad? He gasped with a shaky breath as I looked up at his concerned face in a haze . His weary, worry-filled emeralds . It almost made me feel sick . Another pain wave attacked me and I found myself breathless . f.u.c.k, was the last thing I heard Julius say before darkness took over . --- My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I noticed was how dry my mouth felt and the beeping of the machines that apparently engulfed me . I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath . I fluttered my eyes open again and stared at the bright, white lights above me . Distracted by their brightness that overloaded my retinas, I jerked my head to the side to find Julius sprawled on a chair next to my bed . His head was lolled to the back and his mouth was opened as his chest heaved up and down slowly . I examined his dirty white s.h.i.+rt, sweatpants and cigarette scars that decorated his limp arms . His hair was a mess and his visage pale . His legs were outstretched in front of him and I wondered how he managed to sleep in such a sorry position . But what was he doing here? Was he here to humiliate me? To watch me when I was crippled and sick? Feeling mad, I dared snap . Julius! He woke up with a jerk . His deep emerald eyes were wide and alert, reaching out for me in ways I never thought was possible with inhumanity . Somethings hurting you- he started approaching me, but I snapped at him . What in G.o.ds name are you doing here? I said locking his eyes with mine as I watched his concerned face quickly neutralize, leaving a ghost of emotion on his features . He raised his eyebrows slightly and said nothing . Why the h.e.l.l are you here? Cant you see that Im doing fine and that I dont need you? I said, feeling sweat beads form on my forehead despite the coolness of the room . You had a heart att His breathing fastened as I watched his throat move with difficulty . So you came to babysit me? I said harshly and his eyebrows furrowed . No- He was shaking his head quickly as his lips parted . What? I frowned deeply . You thought that that was expected out of you for instance? I said loudly and I saw him sigh . He ran a hand through his hair and I pursed my lips, staring at him . I dont expect anything out of you . I exploded and looked away from him . You have always been controlled by me . I am your b.l.o.o.d.y brain . I brought about every action in your life . I was your master . Thats why I know that the moment I leave you, is the moment you fall, Julius . I shook my head disapprovingly . I then s.h.i.+fted in my bed a bit, feeling the presence of uncomfortable plastic tubing on my arms and torso . I felt like ripping them off . I expect nothing out of you, Julius . So you neednt stay to babysit me . I havent asked you to do that- You didnt, he interrupted with a heavy sigh, but I didnt even glance at him . That was something I thought of . Something you didnt think for me, he added bitterly and I smirked . Well . Good job . Youve done quite atrociously on your first thought . So let me think you the second one, I said still looking away . Leave . I shall . His voice was deep and void of emotion . I clenched my jaws . But we have a lot to discuss, Father . I ignored his snide comment, then snapped my head to him angrily . Funny, Julius . Funny how Im supposed to be looking at my son, but find myself staring at a stranger . Juliuss green fiery eyes locked mine as his eyebrows sunk deeply . Funny Im hearing that from you . Now . His voice was rough, his hair was a mess and his eyes . his eyes were just sad . I ignored him again . Maybe its funny . But I know how much you wish you had a family . A caring home . A good future . A normal life . I know how much that breaks you, son . I know how much it breaks you that were no more than strangers . How much it breaks you, that you mean no more to me than a stranger, actually . I know that it kills you from inside . But itll always stay that way . I know you, son . I know you more than the shape of my palms . Julius stared at me with a vacant face and said nothing as the left corner of his lips twitched . I then lurched forward taking him by surprise . And dont you ever think that Ill be expecting your forgiveness . I panted . Thatd be stupid, son . So stupid . His eyes fluttered close for a second as a painful smile tried pulling the corner of his lips . The smile failed miserably . Okay, he then said simply as his voice broke at the end . I took a deep breath, smirked and laid back in the bed, looking ahead of me . I soon heard a bit of shuffling before finally, the shutting of a door . I clenched my jaws and fists . What? Why are you mad at me? All I said was the b.l.o.o.d.y truth . Nothing else . *** A/N: Huh, why are you so mean, Alex? *inserts pouty face* Anyway, drrramaaa ;)