Julius Caesar Chapter 40

"Now," I whispered in her ears . "-I'm going to teach you one of the three things I excel at . "

I was standing behind Samantha . Her arms were extended with the gun pointing at a soda can balanced on a fairly near log in the woods . My arms engulfed her as my hands supported her tiny hands and the gun .

"What are the other two things?" She whispered and I smiled as I let my eyes scan the surrounding naked trees and yellow, withered leaves that covered the ground .

"I'll tell you later . " I whispered back and felt her lean back on me .

Those three things were: shooting, understanding body language and s.e.x .

Her hair tickled my neck as we both stood facing the can .

"Now listen," I said, rearranging her fingers correctly around the gun . "Always make sure that it's supported . And also," I said reaching for her forearms and extending them properly . "-be ready for the reaction . It'll be strong . "

I felt her nod .

"Now, put your index finger on the trigger," I instructed gently . "And try to aim at the can . "

"That's it?" She said, turning her head to look at me .

"Well, no . " I smirked . "You'll need several hours and days of practice . "

"Obviously . "

"Now," I said softly . "-take a deep breath and aim . "

I felt her breathe and I smiled as I dropped my hands from the gun . "You may shoot . "

I saw her index finger trace the smooth trigger, before she slowly, so very slowly, pressed the trigger . The bullet missed the can obviously and she stumbled back in my arms .

"Oh my G.o.d," she breathed and turned around . "-I totally suck at this . "

"Yeah, it looks easier than it is," I said chuckling . "But I'm sure you'll get the hang of it . Do you want to try again?"

She took a deep breath as the sound of chirping birds filled our ears . She then sighed loudly, before dropping her arms next to her .

"Already given up?" I teased with a small smile .

"No," she said . "Just annoyed . "

"Annoyed?" I frowned a bit .

"At myself," she added quickly . "I mean- why am I even doing this?" She said as I glanced at the gun lying limply in her left hand .

I sighed .

"Because sometimes," I said turning her so that her back faced me again . "-we need a source of comfort . Security . Especially after we experience a phase of extreme vulnerability . We need it . "

"What was that phase? In your life?" she asked and I felt my heart skip a beat .

I never told her anything about my past or who I was except for the loss of Audrey and my baby .

And I never wanted to . So I kept it short .

"It was," I said focusing on the soda can . "-it was when my mom died . Of cancer . And my father took me under his wing . " I exhaled loudly . "All of which made me vulnerable and helpless . With no one to trust . No one to lean on . No one but my gun . It'd keep me safe . Or at least I believed it would . And to some extent," I said now wrapping my arms around her . "-it did . "

"Oh, Caesar," she breathed . "You're so sad . "

I chuckled lightly as I allowed myself to be pleasured by her proximity and warmth . "No . I'm not . I am okay . "

And I was . I felt content when I was with her .

She then put her hands on top of mine . "But you aren't . "

I closed my eyes and smiled before nesting my head next to her neck on her shoulder . I could smell her soap and perfume . She smelled amazing .

I felt dizzy and distracted by every inch, every detail about her . The way her hair swayed by the lightest breeze . The way her slender fingers moved to cover my arms and hands . The way she s.h.i.+fted as her dress fluttered against her knees . And the way she leaned back on me . Like she trusted me with her weight . Like she really, really trusted me .

I then blindly tightened my grip around her and planted slow kisses on her neck down to her collarbone and back up again as she purred softly and swayed in my arms . I felt the adrenaline rush through me as I smiled in euphoria . She wanted this as much as I did .

I loved the way she felt . The way she smelled . The way she swayed in my arms so effortlessly, yet deliciously .

"How can you be so lovely?" I murmured, turning her to face me . She was red, her pupils dilated as she released the lip she was biting .

I groaned, drowning in l.u.s.t . I then immediately crashed my lips to hers and her body to mine . I kissed her softly, then deeply, then hungrily as I gently pushed her back to a tree .

She was so so beautiful . So soft . So s.e.xy . So magical . So mine .

I pulled away for some oxygen but was surprised when she pulled me to her by my jacket and kissed me pa.s.sionately .

I felt her hands on my torso, up my chest and then around my neck . Then her fingers slid through my hair and I

i g n i t e d .

I let my hands travel up her back . Trace her spine . Down her hips . Up again . Then let my fingers infiltrate her hair . Ma.s.sage her scalp . Feel her, because I couldn't have enough . Couldn't have enough of her, of this feeling .

I needed her . I so so needed her . I wanted her to be mine . And mine . And mine .

"Mantha," I suppressed a moan as she tightened her grasp on my crumpled s.h.i.+rt . She broke away and rested her forehead on mine . I then pulled her waist towards my crotch with a powerful grip .

"I love you," she whispered . "I love you so much . "

And that was all it took to kill my buzz . I moved away slightly and dropped my hands to my side . I stared into her hypnotic eyes waiting for a sign of dishonesty . A sign of anything, anything, but sincerity . But sincerity was all I found .

"You l-love me?" I asked in disbelief . More in fear than disbelief .

She examined me more before grinning . "Yes! I'm in love with you, Julius Caesar . "

All I could tell you is that I was caught in a trance . What did she mean she loved me? She couldn't mean what she meant . Maybe it was just in the heat of the moment, was what I thought .

I smiled at her and pushed back a few hair strands with shaky fingers . Her lips were pink and swollen . Her face was red, yet bright with happiness . I picked a yellow leaf from her hair and then looked down at her .

"We have to leave . " I breathed, looking anywhere but her eyes . "Augustus must be waiting for us . "

She then nodded excitedly, took my hand in hers before we made our way out of the woods .

And I never said it back .

---

It had been five days . Five days since the incident . Since Samantha told me she loved me . Five days of torture, confusion and guilt . Five days of nightmares about Father killing her right in front of me . Nightmares about stabbing her with my own hands for some doc.u.ments . Terrible, scary nightmares .

I called her every day though . Just to make sure she was handling everything in the right way .

Augustus came and went . He made it a lot easier for me by distracting me from my haunting thoughts . He involved me so much in his life . He told me everything about himself . He told me about his new hobby- 'photography' . His new 'friends'- the housekeepers, which I found amusing .

And I envied him at his ability to share things with others . To be able to actually depend on me . To know I'll always be there .

So I'd smile at him and nod in understatement . I'd chuckle at the jokes and faces he made as he talked . And I'd feel my mouth hurt from smiling . Because even though I envied him, I realized I couldn't stop smiling when I was him .

I loved him, I realized . I loved him -my- so much . I loved listening to him blabber about nonsense in his life . Nonsense I could never relate to . He was a blessing I wanted to hold onto forever .

Blyme, he was my brother .

Blyme, he was my brother .

And so many times, so many times did I want to tell him about me . The real me . Tell him the whole ugly truth . Tell him that I killed Samantha's father . Ask him for advice like he asked me .

Samantha .

The girl who was in love with me .

The girl who I could relate to . We shared the same darkness . That kind of darkness that managed to consume me, but never her . Because maybe after my mom's death, a switch flipped in me . But, she? She held still . Because there was just too much good in her . She didn't succ.u.mb to her darkness like I did . She was never a servant to her darkness like I was . She knew no weakness in her most vulnerable moments . Unlike me . She fought it . Unlike me .

Something else you should know is that I gave the four doc.u.ments to Maxime and Leonard, who showed up at eight pm the same day of Samantha's confession . They were obviously furious, but we made it through the night without any victims . They were snide, but not reckless .

And now, I was sitting on my bed with Gorj's doc.u.ments in front of me . Again . I couldn't make any decision about what to do, but I managed to rule out handing over Father to the police . I mean who knew? Maybe he'd hand me over too . And I'd gain nothing .

I sighed heavily and ran a hand over my face . I wanted to rip my hair out . I took a deep breath only to get interrupted by the ringing of my phone .

It was Samantha .

"Hey, M-" I started, but she interrupted me .

"I want to see you . I want to see you now . " Her voice was steady, emotionless . I frowned a bit .

"Is everything ok"

"Just . Please . Okay? Just come over . " She demanded, her voice strangled .

I glanced at Gorj's doc.u.ments one last time, opened my mouth, closed it and then sighed with a small shrug .

"Okay," I said, s.h.i.+fting on my bed uncomfortably . "I'll be there . Just be safe, okay?"

She hung up on me and my heart pounded in my chest at the numerous possibilities behind that call .

Fear was like a flower and my despair was its water . The flower was blossoming and blossoming in my tight chest . It almost suffocated me . But I found a breath to get up and put on some decent clothes before I left the hotel .

---

Alexander's POV .

Augustus was happy .

His eyes were always glowing in joy and his voice was loud and healthy . I was glad .

I was also curious .

How did he seem to forget about all the pain I've put him through so easily? Where was he getting all this positivity when everything that surrounded him screamed negativity? How was he living? Smiling? Laughing?

How was he taking care of me when he was the one who needed the care the most? How did he get this energy?

Why wasn't he weeping like all those who'd been through a heartbreak?

Or was he pretending?

Pretending that the pain I caused him could be easily forgotten . Pretending that there was light in the depths of the ocean that I plunged him through . Forcefully . Knowing no mercy .

But then here he was singing and helping the housekeepers set up the dining table like nothing evil or bad ever touched him .

My boy .

"Come on, daddy-o . " He grinned at me from the end of the table .

He wore nothing but some navy blue shorts and some worn out black scarf . Yes, he was s.h.i.+rtless .

His concept of winter always amused me . I mean, it was freezing this morning, yet he was almost half-naked .

His concept of winter always amused me . I mean, it was freezing this morning, yet he was almost half-naked .

"Green tea, black tea or black coffee?" He inquired as I sat on a chair .

I stared at him . Augustus raised his eyebrows in response .

"Green tea," I replied . "No sugar . "

"Coming up!" He said, grabbing America's forearm -one of the housekeepers- and heading to the kitchen .

"I'll watch you do it . " He was telling America who was vigorously shaking her head .

"Last time, you spilled the-"

"Shus.h.!.+" He said playfully and America laughed .

"Alright . Whatever . Come in . "

I watched both of them disappear into the kitchen until nothing but their fading laughter could be heard .

A new observation: Augustus was becoming too friendly with the housekeepers . It was as amusing as shocking . He'd rather spend his time watching America prepare my tea than waiting for it with me .

It was saddening, I might add as well .

Oh and another observation: Augustus took in photography . I watched him one time stand on the house's roof and take pictures . Maybe of the sunset . Or the treetops . Or the clouds . I'd never know .

My brain was going to explode as you might've guessed . Everything was taking so much time . Finding the doc.u.ments . Augustus getting over my mistake . Me getting over my exposition in front of Julius . It was maddening .

The clank of the cup of tea in front of me, snapped me out of my day dream . Augustus sat on the chair next to mine with some boiled eggs, toast and fries in front of him on pristine white plates .

I looked in front of me finding my green tea, a boiled egg and some brown bread neatly arranged .

I reached for a fry from Augustus's plate, but was surprised when he dragged the plate away .

"No fries for you, dad," he said with a playful smile .

"But I'm craving one-"

"You just had a heart attack . A cardiac arrest!" He added for emphasis . "I wouldn't want that to happen again . " He continued almost seriously .

"But that wasn't because of my diet, Au-"

"Well . It was . " He said with a raised brow and a slight shrug . "Partly . You know . Drinking . Fancy schmancy cigars . Et cetera . Et cetera . "

I looked at him and sighed .

"You can't stop death if it wants to take me . " I commented bitterly . "Cardiac arrest or not . "

"But we can give it one more reason why not to . " He said with a smirk as he pointed a fry in my direction . "I mean, you can't jump into an ocean and not expect getting wet . "

I narrowed my eyes at him, then gave up .

"Okay . Have it your way . " I muttered grasping my cup of tea with a shaky hand .

I hated how my hands shook out of nowhere . Whenever I was under stress . I couldn't even hold a gun properly now .

I brought it to my lips and took a sip of the stale green liquid anyway . It was hot and bitter . A combination I got used to . And I liked it to be honest .

"So," Augustus started . "Any plans for today?"

I lowered the cup and glanced at him carefully . I averted my glance back to the cup . "Why?"

"Well-" he started and I imagined him smile . "Well . I was thinking that maybe we can go out shooting together? More like, father-son bonding . Ya know- hanging out . Chill together . Mingle?I'm out of synonyms . " He said, his voice slightly m.u.f.fled from the food he probably had in his mouth .

I looked up at him to find him looking at me . I put on a small smile, looked down and glanced at my fingers where the rings used to be .
"Well-" he started and I imagined him smile . "Well . I was thinking that maybe we can go out shooting together? More like, father-son bonding . Ya know- hanging out . Chill together . Mingle?I'm out of synonyms . " He said, his voice slightly m.u.f.fled from the food he probably had in his mouth .

I looked up at him to find him looking at me . I put on a small smile, looked down and glanced at my fingers where the rings used to be .

I kept them on my bedside table .

"I'm busy . " I lied and sipped more tea as my heart beat outrageously in my chest . He wanted to spend time with me?

I wanted him to ask me again . To insist . Maybe I could've agreed .

"Oh," he muttered and I looked up at him . He smiled as the left corner of his lips quivered . "-then another time . "

My smile dropped in disappointment, but I picked it up anyway . "I'm always busy, son . "

Augustus nodded slowly and looked down at his plate . And I didn't fail to notice how his hold tightened around his fork . I cleared my throat and placed my cup of tea back on the table, feeling my appet.i.te shrink to nothing .

"Well," my son said, swallowing . "-we can always do this whenever you're free . Just hit me up!"

"Right," I forced the words out of my mouth . "I will . "

I looked away then heard the sc.r.a.ping of a chair . Then a heavy sigh .

"Cool . " He was muttering when I looked up at him . He was still smiling .

It angered me . His smile angered me . He then called Miranda -another housekeeper- and together they left the dining room . Leaving me . Alone .

When I could no longer hear their footsteps and laughter, I got up angrily and swept everything off the dining table . In pure rage .

No . I lied to you . I wasn't angry . No . I was sad . I was so very sad . And I couldn't do anything about it . Then I became angry that I could do nothing .

I stormed out of the room, ignoring the mess I made and soon out of the b.l.o.o.d.y house .

---

Maybe I was overreacting, I thought to myself .

I mean, maybe Augustus was truly happy and over it . Maybe he got over her .

I stood in front of a mirror . A mirror in a very luxurious bar . I stared at my reflection . Fierce features . s.h.i.+ny, dyed, dark brown hair . Sharp dark eyes . Think eyebrows . Thin, dark lips .

I looked intimidating and I loved it . Because it meant that I was always in control .

No one was immune to me . My methods . My control . And those who were immune, were eliminated . I never let threats live .

And now, as I stood in front of the mirror, I realized that I was raising a threat under the same roof I slept .

My son . Augustus .

He was so immune to me . He could kill me . But I never dared think of hurting him . Because he was the only weakness I had . My love to him was more than my love to myself .

I never loved someone so much .

I shook my head and placed my hand under the faucet . Water immediately flowed in my hands where I noticed the absence of my rings .

I shrugged it off drunkenly, and splashed water on my face in hope it'd wash away all those thoughts . Wash away my weakness and my immense love to my son . And wash away another immense secret .

A secret I never told anyone about . A secret, I myself, am scared of . But I'd tell you about that later .

***

A/N: A secret, huh, Alexander? Hmm . . Any guesses? ;)

All the love in the b.l.o.o.d.y expanding universe <3 now,="" i="" whispered="" in="" her="" ears="" .="" -im="" going="" to="" teach="" you="" one="" of="" the="" three="" things="" i="" excel="" at="" .="" i="" was="" standing="" behind="" samantha="" .="" her="" arms="" were="" extended="" with="" the="" gun="" pointing="" at="" a="" soda="" can="" balanced="" on="" a="" fairly="" near="" log="" in="" the="" woods="" .="" my="" arms="" engulfed="" her="" as="" my="" hands="" supported="" her="" tiny="" hands="" and="" the="" gun="" .="" what="" are="" the="" other="" two="" things?="" she="" whispered="" and="" i="" smiled="" as="" i="" let="" my="" eyes="" scan="" the="" surrounding="" naked="" trees="" and="" yellow,="" withered="" leaves="" that="" covered="" the="" ground="" .="" ill="" tell="" you="" later="" .="" i="" whispered="" back="" and="" felt="" her="" lean="" back="" on="" me="" .="" those="" three="" things="" were:="" shooting,="" understanding="" body="" language="" and="" s.e.x="" .="" her="" hair="" tickled="" my="" neck="" as="" we="" both="" stood="" facing="" the="" can="" .="" now="" listen,="" i="" said,="" rearranging="" her="" fingers="" correctly="" around="" the="" gun="" .="" always="" make="" sure="" that="" its="" supported="" .="" and="" also,="" i="" said="" reaching="" for="" her="" forearms="" and="" extending="" them="" properly="" .="" -be="" ready="" for="" the="" reaction="" .="" itll="" be="" strong="" .="" i="" felt="" her="" nod="" .="" now,="" put="" your="" index="" finger="" on="" the="" trigger,="" i="" instructed="" gently="" .="" and="" try="" to="" aim="" at="" the="" can="" .="" thats="" it?="" she="" said,="" turning="" her="" head="" to="" look="" at="" me="" .="" well,="" no="" .="" i="" smirked="" .="" youll="" need="" several="" hours="" and="" days="" of="" practice="" .="" obviously="" .="" now,="" i="" said="" softly="" .="" -take="" a="" deep="" breath="" and="" aim="" .="" i="" felt="" her="" breathe="" and="" i="" smiled="" as="" i="" dropped="" my="" hands="" from="" the="" gun="" .="" you="" may="" shoot="" .="" i="" saw="" her="" index="" finger="" trace="" the="" smooth="" trigger,="" before="" she="" slowly,="" so="" very="" slowly,="" pressed="" the="" trigger="" .="" the="" bullet="" missed="" the="" can="" obviously="" and="" she="" stumbled="" back="" in="" my="" arms="" .="" oh="" my="" G.o.d,="" she="" breathed="" and="" turned="" around="" .="" -i="" totally="" suck="" at="" this="" .="" yeah,="" it="" looks="" easier="" than="" it="" is,="" i="" said="" chuckling="" .="" but="" im="" sure="" youll="" get="" the="" hang="" of="" it="" .="" do="" you="" want="" to="" try="" again?="" she="" took="" a="" deep="" breath="" as="" the="" sound="" of="" chirping="" birds="" filled="" our="" ears="" .="" she="" then="" sighed="" loudly,="" before="" dropping="" her="" arms="" next="" to="" her="" .="" already="" given="" up?="" i="" teased="" with="" a="" small="" smile="" .="" no,="" she="" said="" .="" just="" annoyed="" .="" annoyed?="" i="" frowned="" a="" bit="" .="" at="" myself,="" she="" added="" quickly="" .="" i="" mean-="" why="" am="" i="" even="" doing="" this?="" she="" said="" as="" i="" glanced="" at="" the="" gun="" lying="" limply="" in="" her="" left="" hand="" .="" i="" sighed="" .="" because="" sometimes,="" i="" said="" turning="" her="" so="" that="" her="" back="" faced="" me="" again="" .="" -we="" need="" a="" source="" of="" comfort="" .="" security="" .="" especially="" after="" we="" experience="" a="" phase="" of="" extreme="" vulnerability="" .="" we="" need="" it="" .="" what="" was="" that="" phase?="" in="" your="" life?="" she="" asked="" and="" i="" felt="" my="" heart="" skip="" a="" beat="" .="" i="" never="" told="" her="" anything="" about="" my="" past="" or="" who="" i="" was="" except="" for="" the="" loss="" of="" audrey="" and="" my="" baby="" .="" and="" i="" never="" wanted="" to="" .="" so="" i="" kept="" it="" short="" .="" it="" was,="" i="" said="" focusing="" on="" the="" soda="" can="" .="" -it="" was="" when="" my="" mom="" died="" .="" of="" cancer="" .="" and="" my="" father="" took="" me="" under="" his="" wing="" .="" i="" exhaled="" loudly="" .="" all="" of="" which="" made="" me="" vulnerable="" and="" helpless="" .="" with="" no="" one="" to="" trust="" .="" no="" one="" to="" lean="" on="" .="" no="" one="" but="" my="" gun="" .="" itd="" keep="" me="" safe="" .="" or="" at="" least="" i="" believed="" it="" would="" .="" and="" to="" some="" extent,="" i="" said="" now="" wrapping="" my="" arms="" around="" her="" .="" -it="" did="" .="" oh,="" caesar,="" she="" breathed="" .="" youre="" so="" sad="" .="" i="" chuckled="" lightly="" as="" i="" allowed="" myself="" to="" be="" pleasured="" by="" her="" proximity="" and="" warmth="" .="" no="" .="" im="" not="" .="" i="" am="" okay="" .="" and="" i="" was="" .="" i="" felt="" content="" when="" i="" was="" with="" her="" .="" she="" then="" put="" her="" hands="" on="" top="" of="" mine="" .="" but="" you="" arent="" .="" i="" closed="" my="" eyes="" and="" smiled="" before="" nesting="" my="" head="" next="" to="" her="" neck="" on="" her="" shoulder="" .="" i="" could="" smell="" her="" soap="" and="" perfume="" .="" she="" smelled="" amazing="" .="" i="" felt="" dizzy="" and="" distracted="" by="" every="" inch,="" every="" detail="" about="" her="" .="" the="" way="" her="" hair="" swayed="" by="" the="" lightest="" breeze="" .="" the="" way="" her="" slender="" fingers="" moved="" to="" cover="" my="" arms="" and="" hands="" .="" the="" way="" she="" s.h.i.+fted="" as="" her="" dress="" fluttered="" against="" her="" knees="" .="" and="" the="" way="" she="" leaned="" back="" on="" me="" .="" like="" she="" trusted="" me="" with="" her="" weight="" .="" like="" she="" really,="" really="" trusted="" me="" .="" i="" then="" blindly="" tightened="" my="" grip="" around="" her="" and="" planted="" slow="" kisses="" on="" her="" neck="" down="" to="" her="" collarbone="" and="" back="" up="" again="" as="" she="" purred="" softly="" and="" swayed="" in="" my="" arms="" .="" i="" felt="" the="" adrenaline="" rush="" through="" me="" as="" i="" smiled="" in="" euphoria="" .="" she="" wanted="" this="" as="" much="" as="" i="" did="" .="" i="" loved="" the="" way="" she="" felt="" .="" the="" way="" she="" smelled="" .="" the="" way="" she="" swayed="" in="" my="" arms="" so="" effortlessly,="" yet="" deliciously="" .="" how="" can="" you="" be="" so="" lovely?="" i="" murmured,="" turning="" her="" to="" face="" me="" .="" she="" was="" red,="" her="" pupils="" dilated="" as="" she="" released="" the="" lip="" she="" was="" biting="" .="" i="" groaned,="" drowning="" in="" l.u.s.t="" .="" i="" then="" immediately="" crashed="" my="" lips="" to="" hers="" and="" her="" body="" to="" mine="" .="" i="" kissed="" her="" softly,="" then="" deeply,="" then="" hungrily="" as="" i="" gently="" pushed="" her="" back="" to="" a="" tree="" .="" she="" was="" so="" so="" beautiful="" .="" so="" soft="" .="" so="" s.e.xy="" .="" so="" magical="" .="" so="" mine="" .="" i="" pulled="" away="" for="" some="" oxygen="" but="" was="" surprised="" when="" she="" pulled="" me="" to="" her="" by="" my="" jacket="" and="" kissed="" me="" pa.s.sionately="" .="" i="" felt="" her="" hands="" on="" my="" torso,="" up="" my="" chest="" and="" then="" around="" my="" neck="" .="" then="" her="" fingers="" slid="" through="" my="" hair="" and="" i="" i="" g="" n="" i="" t="" e="" d="" .="" i="" let="" my="" hands="" travel="" up="" her="" back="" .="" trace="" her="" spine="" .="" down="" her="" hips="" .="" up="" again="" .="" then="" let="" my="" fingers="" infiltrate="" her="" hair="" .="" ma.s.sage="" her="" scalp="" .="" feel="" her,="" because="" i="" couldnt="" have="" enough="" .="" couldnt="" have="" enough="" of="" her,="" of="" this="" feeling="" .="" i="" needed="" her="" .="" i="" so="" so="" needed="" her="" .="" i="" wanted="" her="" to="" be="" mine="" .="" and="" mine="" .="" and="" mine="" .="" mantha,="" i="" suppressed="" a="" moan="" as="" she="" tightened="" her="" grasp="" on="" my="" crumpled="" s.h.i.+rt="" .="" she="" broke="" away="" and="" rested="" her="" forehead="" on="" mine="" .="" i="" then="" pulled="" her="" waist="" towards="" my="" crotch="" with="" a="" powerful="" grip="" .="" i="" love="" you,="" she="" whispered="" .="" i="" love="" you="" so="" much="" .="" and="" that="" was="" all="" it="" took="" to="" kill="" my="" buzz="" .="" i="" moved="" away="" slightly="" and="" dropped="" my="" hands="" to="" my="" side="" .="" i="" stared="" into="" her="" hypnotic="" eyes="" waiting="" for="" a="" sign="" of="" dishonesty="" .="" a="" sign="" of="" anything,="" anything,="" but="" sincerity="" .="" but="" sincerity="" was="" all="" i="" found="" .="" you="" l-love="" me?="" i="" asked="" in="" disbelief="" .="" more="" in="" fear="" than="" disbelief="" .="" she="" examined="" me="" more="" before="" grinning="" .="" yes!="" im="" in="" love="" with="" you,="" julius="" caesar="" .="" all="" i="" could="" tell="" you="" is="" that="" i="" was="" caught="" in="" a="" trance="" .="" what="" did="" she="" mean="" she="" loved="" me?="" she="" couldnt="" mean="" what="" she="" meant="" .="" maybe="" it="" was="" just="" in="" the="" heat="" of="" the="" moment,="" was="" what="" i="" thought="" .="" i="" smiled="" at="" her="" and="" pushed="" back="" a="" few="" hair="" strands="" with="" shaky="" fingers="" .="" her="" lips="" were="" pink="" and="" swollen="" .="" her="" face="" was="" red,="" yet="" bright="" with="" happiness="" .="" i="" picked="" a="" yellow="" leaf="" from="" her="" hair="" and="" then="" looked="" down="" at="" her="" .="" we="" have="" to="" leave="" .="" i="" breathed,="" looking="" anywhere="" but="" her="" eyes="" .="" augustus="" must="" be="" waiting="" for="" us="" .="" she="" then="" nodded="" excitedly,="" took="" my="" hand="" in="" hers="" before="" we="" made="" our="" way="" out="" of="" the="" woods="" .="" and="" i="" never="" said="" it="" back="" .="" ---="" it="" had="" been="" five="" days="" .="" five="" days="" since="" the="" incident="" .="" since="" samantha="" told="" me="" she="" loved="" me="" .="" five="" days="" of="" torture,="" confusion="" and="" guilt="" .="" five="" days="" of="" nightmares="" about="" father="" killing="" her="" right="" in="" front="" of="" me="" .="" nightmares="" about="" stabbing="" her="" with="" my="" own="" hands="" for="" some="" doc.u.ments="" .="" terrible,="" scary="" nightmares="" .="" i="" called="" her="" every="" day="" though="" .="" just="" to="" make="" sure="" she="" was="" handling="" everything="" in="" the="" right="" way="" .="" augustus="" came="" and="" went="" .="" he="" made="" it="" a="" lot="" easier="" for="" me="" by="" distracting="" me="" from="" my="" haunting="" thoughts="" .="" he="" involved="" me="" so="" much="" in="" his="" life="" .="" he="" told="" me="" everything="" about="" himself="" .="" he="" told="" me="" about="" his="" new="" hobby-="" photography="" .="" his="" new="" friends-="" the="" housekeepers,="" which="" i="" found="" amusing="" .="" and="" i="" envied="" him="" at="" his="" ability="" to="" share="" things="" with="" others="" .="" to="" be="" able="" to="" actually="" depend="" on="" me="" .="" to="" know="" ill="" always="" be="" there="" .="" so="" id="" smile="" at="" him="" and="" nod="" in="" understatement="" .="" id="" chuckle="" at="" the="" jokes="" and="" faces="" he="" made="" as="" he="" talked="" .="" and="" id="" feel="" my="" mouth="" hurt="" from="" smiling="" .="" because="" even="" though="" i="" envied="" him,="" i="" realized="" i="" couldnt="" stop="" smiling="" when="" i="" was="" him="" .="" i="" loved="" him,="" i="" realized="" .="" i="" loved="" him="" -my-="" so="" much="" .="" i="" loved="" listening="" to="" him="" blabber="" about="" nonsense="" in="" his="" life="" .="" nonsense="" i="" could="" never="" relate="" to="" .="" he="" was="" a="" blessing="" i="" wanted="" to="" hold="" onto="" forever="" .="" blyme,="" he="" was="" my="" brother="" .="" and="" so="" many="" times,="" so="" many="" times="" did="" i="" want="" to="" tell="" him="" about="" me="" .="" the="" real="" me="" .="" tell="" him="" the="" whole="" ugly="" truth="" .="" tell="" him="" that="" i="" killed="" samanthas="" father="" .="" ask="" him="" for="" advice="" like="" he="" asked="" me="" .="" samantha="" .="" the="" girl="" who="" was="" in="" love="" with="" me="" .="" the="" girl="" who="" i="" could="" relate="" to="" .="" we="" shared="" the="" same="" darkness="" .="" that="" kind="" of="" darkness="" that="" managed="" to="" consume="" me,="" but="" never="" her="" .="" because="" maybe="" after="" my="" moms="" death,="" a="" switch="" flipped="" in="" me="" .="" but,="" she?="" she="" held="" still="" .="" because="" there="" was="" just="" too="" much="" good="" in="" her="" .="" she="" didnt="" succ.u.mb="" to="" her="" darkness="" like="" i="" did="" .="" she="" was="" never="" a="" servant="" to="" her="" darkness="" like="" i="" was="" .="" she="" knew="" no="" weakness="" in="" her="" most="" vulnerable="" moments="" .="" unlike="" me="" .="" she="" fought="" it="" .="" unlike="" me="" .="" something="" else="" you="" should="" know="" is="" that="" i="" gave="" the="" four="" doc.u.ments="" to="" maxime="" and="" leonard,="" who="" showed="" up="" at="" eight="" pm="" the="" same="" day="" of="" samanthas="" confession="" .="" they="" were="" obviously="" furious,="" but="" we="" made="" it="" through="" the="" night="" without="" any="" victims="" .="" they="" were="" snide,="" but="" not="" reckless="" .="" and="" now,="" i="" was="" sitting="" on="" my="" bed="" with="" gorjs="" doc.u.ments="" in="" front="" of="" me="" .="" again="" .="" i="" couldnt="" make="" any="" decision="" about="" what="" to="" do,="" but="" i="" managed="" to="" rule="" out="" handing="" over="" father="" to="" the="" police="" .="" i="" mean="" who="" knew?="" maybe="" hed="" hand="" me="" over="" too="" .="" and="" id="" gain="" nothing="" .="" i="" sighed="" heavily="" and="" ran="" a="" hand="" over="" my="" face="" .="" i="" wanted="" to="" rip="" my="" hair="" out="" .="" i="" took="" a="" deep="" breath="" only="" to="" get="" interrupted="" by="" the="" ringing="" of="" my="" phone="" .="" it="" was="" samantha="" .="" hey,="" m-="" i="" started,="" but="" she="" interrupted="" me="" .="" i="" want="" to="" see="" you="" .="" i="" want="" to="" see="" you="" now="" .="" her="" voice="" was="" steady,="" emotionless="" .="" i="" frowned="" a="" bit="" .="" is="" everything="" ok="" just="" .="" please="" .="" okay?="" just="" come="" over="" .="" she="" demanded,="" her="" voice="" strangled="" .="" i="" glanced="" at="" gorjs="" doc.u.ments="" one="" last="" time,="" opened="" my="" mouth,="" closed="" it="" and="" then="" sighed="" with="" a="" small="" shrug="" .="" okay,="" i="" said,="" s.h.i.+fting="" on="" my="" bed="" uncomfortably="" .="" ill="" be="" there="" .="" just="" be="" safe,="" okay?="" she="" hung="" up="" on="" me="" and="" my="" heart="" pounded="" in="" my="" chest="" at="" the="" numerous="" possibilities="" behind="" that="" call="" .="" fear="" was="" like="" a="" flower="" and="" my="" despair="" was="" its="" water="" .="" the="" flower="" was="" blossoming="" and="" blossoming="" in="" my="" tight="" chest="" .="" it="" almost="" suffocated="" me="" .="" but="" i="" found="" a="" breath="" to="" get="" up="" and="" put="" on="" some="" decent="" clothes="" before="" i="" left="" the="" hotel="" .="" ---="" alexanders="" pov="" .="" augustus="" was="" happy="" .="" his="" eyes="" were="" always="" glowing="" in="" joy="" and="" his="" voice="" was="" loud="" and="" healthy="" .="" i="" was="" glad="" .="" i="" was="" also="" curious="" .="" how="" did="" he="" seem="" to="" forget="" about="" all="" the="" pain="" ive="" put="" him="" through="" so="" easily?="" where="" was="" he="" getting="" all="" this="" positivity="" when="" everything="" that="" surrounded="" him="" screamed="" negativity?="" how="" was="" he="" living?="" smiling?="" laughing?="" how="" was="" he="" taking="" care="" of="" me="" when="" he="" was="" the="" one="" who="" needed="" the="" care="" the="" most?="" how="" did="" he="" get="" this="" energy?="" why="" wasnt="" he="" weeping="" like="" all="" those="" whod="" been="" through="" a="" heartbreak?="" or="" was="" he="" pretending?="" pretending="" that="" the="" pain="" i="" caused="" him="" could="" be="" easily="" forgotten="" .="" pretending="" that="" there="" was="" light="" in="" the="" depths="" of="" the="" ocean="" that="" i="" plunged="" him="" through="" .="" forcefully="" .="" knowing="" no="" mercy="" .="" but="" then="" here="" he="" was="" singing="" and="" helping="" the="" housekeepers="" set="" up="" the="" dining="" table="" like="" nothing="" evil="" or="" bad="" ever="" touched="" him="" .="" my="" boy="" .="" come="" on,="" daddy-o="" .="" he="" grinned="" at="" me="" from="" the="" end="" of="" the="" table="" .="" he="" wore="" nothing="" but="" some="" navy="" blue="" shorts="" and="" some="" worn="" out="" black="" scarf="" .="" yes,="" he="" was="" s.h.i.+rtless="" .="" his="" concept="" of="" winter="" always="" amused="" me="" .="" i="" mean,="" it="" was="" freezing="" this="" morning,="" yet="" he="" was="" almost="" half-naked="" .="" green="" tea,="" black="" tea="" or="" black="" coffee?="" he="" inquired="" as="" i="" sat="" on="" a="" chair="" .="" i="" stared="" at="" him="" .="" augustus="" raised="" his="" eyebrows="" in="" response="" .="" green="" tea,="" i="" replied="" .="" no="" sugar="" .="" coming="" up!="" he="" said,="" grabbing="" americas="" forearm="" -one="" of="" the="" housekeepers-="" and="" heading="" to="" the="" kitchen="" .="" ill="" watch="" you="" do="" it="" .="" he="" was="" telling="" america="" who="" was="" vigorously="" shaking="" her="" head="" .="" last="" time,="" you="" spilled="" the-="" shus.h.!.+="" he="" said="" playfully="" and="" america="" laughed="" .="" alright="" .="" whatever="" .="" come="" in="" .="" i="" watched="" both="" of="" them="" disappear="" into="" the="" kitchen="" until="" nothing="" but="" their="" fading="" laughter="" could="" be="" heard="" .="" a="" new="" observation:="" augustus="" was="" becoming="" too="" friendly="" with="" the="" housekeepers="" .="" it="" was="" as="" amusing="" as="" shocking="" .="" hed="" rather="" spend="" his="" time="" watching="" america="" prepare="" my="" tea="" than="" waiting="" for="" it="" with="" me="" .="" it="" was="" saddening,="" i="" might="" add="" as="" well="" .="" oh="" and="" another="" observation:="" augustus="" took="" in="" photography="" .="" i="" watched="" him="" one="" time="" stand="" on="" the="" houses="" roof="" and="" take="" pictures="" .="" maybe="" of="" the="" sunset="" .="" or="" the="" treetops="" .="" or="" the="" clouds="" .="" id="" never="" know="" .="" my="" brain="" was="" going="" to="" explode="" as="" you="" mightve="" guessed="" .="" everything="" was="" taking="" so="" much="" time="" .="" finding="" the="" doc.u.ments="" .="" augustus="" getting="" over="" my="" mistake="" .="" me="" getting="" over="" my="" exposition="" in="" front="" of="" julius="" .="" it="" was="" maddening="" .="" the="" clank="" of="" the="" cup="" of="" tea="" in="" front="" of="" me,="" snapped="" me="" out="" of="" my="" day="" dream="" .="" augustus="" sat="" on="" the="" chair="" next="" to="" mine="" with="" some="" boiled="" eggs,="" toast="" and="" fries="" in="" front="" of="" him="" on="" pristine="" white="" plates="" .="" i="" looked="" in="" front="" of="" me="" finding="" my="" green="" tea,="" a="" boiled="" egg="" and="" some="" brown="" bread="" neatly="" arranged="" .="" i="" reached="" for="" a="" fry="" from="" augustuss="" plate,="" but="" was="" surprised="" when="" he="" dragged="" the="" plate="" away="" .="" no="" fries="" for="" you,="" dad,="" he="" said="" with="" a="" playful="" smile="" .="" but="" im="" craving="" one-="" you="" just="" had="" a="" heart="" attack="" .="" a="" cardiac="" arrest!="" he="" added="" for="" emphasis="" .="" i="" wouldnt="" want="" that="" to="" happen="" again="" .="" he="" continued="" almost="" seriously="" .="" but="" that="" wasnt="" because="" of="" my="" diet,="" au-="" well="" .="" it="" was="" .="" he="" said="" with="" a="" raised="" brow="" and="" a="" slight="" shrug="" .="" partly="" .="" you="" know="" .="" drinking="" .="" fancy="" schmancy="" cigars="" .="" et="" cetera="" .="" et="" cetera="" .="" i="" looked="" at="" him="" and="" sighed="" .="" you="" cant="" stop="" death="" if="" it="" wants="" to="" take="" me="" .="" i="" commented="" bitterly="" .="" cardiac="" arrest="" or="" not="" .="" but="" we="" can="" give="" it="" one="" more="" reason="" why="" not="" to="" .="" he="" said="" with="" a="" smirk="" as="" he="" pointed="" a="" fry="" in="" my="" direction="" .="" i="" mean,="" you="" cant="" jump="" into="" an="" ocean="" and="" not="" expect="" getting="" wet="" .="" i="" narrowed="" my="" eyes="" at="" him,="" then="" gave="" up="" .="" okay="" .="" have="" it="" your="" way="" .="" i="" muttered="" grasping="" my="" cup="" of="" tea="" with="" a="" shaky="" hand="" .="" i="" hated="" how="" my="" hands="" shook="" out="" of="" nowhere="" .="" whenever="" i="" was="" under="" stress="" .="" i="" couldnt="" even="" hold="" a="" gun="" properly="" now="" .="" i="" brought="" it="" to="" my="" lips="" and="" took="" a="" sip="" of="" the="" stale="" green="" liquid="" anyway="" .="" it="" was="" hot="" and="" bitter="" .="" a="" combination="" i="" got="" used="" to="" .="" and="" i="" liked="" it="" to="" be="" honest="" .="" so,="" augustus="" started="" .="" any="" plans="" for="" today?="" i="" lowered="" the="" cup="" and="" glanced="" at="" him="" carefully="" .="" i="" averted="" my="" glance="" back="" to="" the="" cup="" .="" why?="" well-="" he="" started="" and="" i="" imagined="" him="" smile="" .="" well="" .="" i="" was="" thinking="" that="" maybe="" we="" can="" go="" out="" shooting="" together?="" more="" like,="" father-son="" bonding="" .="" ya="" know-="" hanging="" out="" .="" chill="" together="" .="" mingle?im="" out="" of="" synonyms="" .="" he="" said,="" his="" voice="" slightly="" m.u.f.fled="" from="" the="" food="" he="" probably="" had="" in="" his="" mouth="" .="" i="" looked="" up="" at="" him="" to="" find="" him="" looking="" at="" me="" .="" i="" put="" on="" a="" small="" smile,="" looked="" down="" and="" glanced="" at="" my="" fingers="" where="" the="" rings="" used="" to="" be="" .="" i="" kept="" them="" on="" my="" bedside="" table="" .="" im="" busy="" .="" i="" lied="" and="" sipped="" more="" tea="" as="" my="" heart="" beat="" outrageously="" in="" my="" chest="" .="" he="" wanted="" to="" spend="" time="" with="" me?="" i="" wanted="" him="" to="" ask="" me="" again="" .="" to="" insist="" .="" maybe="" i="" couldve="" agreed="" .="" oh,="" he="" muttered="" and="" i="" looked="" up="" at="" him="" .="" he="" smiled="" as="" the="" left="" corner="" of="" his="" lips="" quivered="" .="" -then="" another="" time="" .="" my="" smile="" dropped="" in="" disappointment,="" but="" i="" picked="" it="" up="" anyway="" .="" im="" always="" busy,="" son="" .="" augustus="" nodded="" slowly="" and="" looked="" down="" at="" his="" plate="" .="" and="" i="" didnt="" fail="" to="" notice="" how="" his="" hold="" tightened="" around="" his="" fork="" .="" i="" cleared="" my="" throat="" and="" placed="" my="" cup="" of="" tea="" back="" on="" the="" table,="" feeling="" my="" appet.i.te="" shrink="" to="" nothing="" .="" well,="" my="" son="" said,="" swallowing="" .="" -we="" can="" always="" do="" this="" whenever="" youre="" free="" .="" just="" hit="" me="" up!="" right,="" i="" forced="" the="" words="" out="" of="" my="" mouth="" .="" i="" will="" .="" i="" looked="" away="" then="" heard="" the="" sc.r.a.ping="" of="" a="" chair="" .="" then="" a="" heavy="" sigh="" .="" cool="" .="" he="" was="" muttering="" when="" i="" looked="" up="" at="" him="" .="" he="" was="" still="" smiling="" .="" it="" angered="" me="" .="" his="" smile="" angered="" me="" .="" he="" then="" called="" miranda="" -another="" housekeeper-="" and="" together="" they="" left="" the="" dining="" room="" .="" leaving="" me="" .="" alone="" .="" when="" i="" could="" no="" longer="" hear="" their="" footsteps="" and="" laughter,="" i="" got="" up="" angrily="" and="" swept="" everything="" off="" the="" dining="" table="" .="" in="" pure="" rage="" .="" no="" .="" i="" lied="" to="" you="" .="" i="" wasnt="" angry="" .="" no="" .="" i="" was="" sad="" .="" i="" was="" so="" very="" sad="" .="" and="" i="" couldnt="" do="" anything="" about="" it="" .="" then="" i="" became="" angry="" that="" i="" could="" do="" nothing="" .="" i="" stormed="" out="" of="" the="" room,="" ignoring="" the="" mess="" i="" made="" and="" soon="" out="" of="" the="" b.l.o.o.d.y="" house="" .="" ---="" maybe="" i="" was="" overreacting,="" i="" thought="" to="" myself="" .="" i="" mean,="" maybe="" augustus="" was="" truly="" happy="" and="" over="" it="" .="" maybe="" he="" got="" over="" her="" .="" i="" stood="" in="" front="" of="" a="" mirror="" .="" a="" mirror="" in="" a="" very="" luxurious="" bar="" .="" i="" stared="" at="" my="" reflection="" .="" fierce="" features="" .="" s.h.i.+ny,="" dyed,="" dark="" brown="" hair="" .="" sharp="" dark="" eyes="" .="" think="" eyebrows="" .="" thin,="" dark="" lips="" .="" i="" looked="" intimidating="" and="" i="" loved="" it="" .="" because="" it="" meant="" that="" i="" was="" always="" in="" control="" .="" no="" one="" was="" immune="" to="" me="" .="" my="" methods="" .="" my="" control="" .="" and="" those="" who="" were="" immune,="" were="" eliminated="" .="" i="" never="" let="" threats="" live="" .="" and="" now,="" as="" i="" stood="" in="" front="" of="" the="" mirror,="" i="" realized="" that="" i="" was="" raising="" a="" threat="" under="" the="" same="" roof="" i="" slept="" .="" my="" son="" .="" augustus="" .="" he="" was="" so="" immune="" to="" me="" .="" he="" could="" kill="" me="" .="" but="" i="" never="" dared="" think="" of="" hurting="" him="" .="" because="" he="" was="" the="" only="" weakness="" i="" had="" .="" my="" love="" to="" him="" was="" more="" than="" my="" love="" to="" myself="" .="" i="" never="" loved="" someone="" so="" much="" .="" i="" shook="" my="" head="" and="" placed="" my="" hand="" under="" the="" faucet="" .="" water="" immediately="" flowed="" in="" my="" hands="" where="" i="" noticed="" the="" absence="" of="" my="" rings="" .="" i="" shrugged="" it="" off="" drunkenly,="" and="" splashed="" water="" on="" my="" face="" in="" hope="" itd="" wash="" away="" all="" those="" thoughts="" .="" wash="" away="" my="" weakness="" and="" my="" immense="" love="" to="" my="" son="" .="" and="" wash="" away="" another="" immense="" secret="" .="" a="" secret="" i="" never="" told="" anyone="" about="" .="" a="" secret,="" i="" myself,="" am="" scared="" of="" .="" but="" id="" tell="" you="" about="" that="" later="" .="" ***="" a/n:="" a="" secret,="" huh,="" alexander?="" hmm="" any="" guesses?="" ;)="" all="" the="" love="" in="" the="" b.l.o.o.d.y="" expanding="" universe=""><3>