Play Like A Man, Win Like A Woman Part 2

The company's culture is more important than the position itself. You'll be happier with an average job at a place you love than with the ideal job at a place you loathe.

You'll also be happier in a place where you can feel comfortable. We tend to take on roles in our jobs just as we take on roles in relations.h.i.+ps. Think about who you're going to be. The black sheep? The younger sister? The unattached aunt? The carefree daughter? The trustworthy confidante? Generally, your nonwork relations.h.i.+ps dictate who you become at the office.

Unlike in your real family, however, here you have choices. Examine a new company carefully. Ask yourself if it offers a relations.h.i.+p you'd enjoy. Are these people you'd like seeing day after day? Personally, I know if I went for an interview at an office where every woman was wearing a dark suit with a frilly white blouse and stiletto heels, I'd walk out the front door. That's not a uniform I feel comfortable around. Whatever makes these folks tick is only going to make me unhappy.

Likewise, I believe in an open-door policy at work, and I become angry when my colleagues shut their doors. To me, that's a management style that says, "We don't share." So if I walked down the hall and saw that everyone had shut themselves off, I'd walk out the exit.

Do you like your potential employer's office environment? Is it attractive? Could you feel comfortable there? Do people have private offices, or do they work in one great room? Is the building itself so unsightly you couldn't imagine walking into it five or more days a week? I know one major executive who turned down an important job because she couldn't face driving into the world's ugliest industrial compound every morning.

Even in these days of huge conglomerates, companies still have distinct personalities. If you work for General Electric, CEO Jack Welch and his values determine the corporate culture. At AT&T, Michael Armstrong does the same, as does Lou Gerstner at IBM. Oprah Winfrey does the same at Harpo Inc.; even small companies have personalities shaped by their CEOs.

Uncover that culture. Use your relations.h.i.+p skills. The person who interviews you probably has an a.s.sistant. Form a relations.h.i.+p with her. Since you'll probably be kept waiting for your interview, find out how the other women feel about the company, the job, the boss. Before a job applicant enters my office, my a.s.sistants always walk in the door with their thumbs up or down to let me know what they think.

The receptionist has a name. Use it. Take advantage of her attention. She'll probably offer you a beverage. Accept it. Most women don't, because they think the other woman will feel demeaned; most men do, because they know it's part of her job description, just as the water boy's job was exactly that-to get the water.

The receptionist brings you coffee, you thank her, and the opportunity for a relations.h.i.+p arises. I admit that it took me years to ask for that cup of coffee. Now, since I prefer tea, I do something else. When I'm offered coffee, I ask for hot water and tell the woman not to bother about the tea bags, because I carry them in my purse. That always makes for a conversation-most often she's a tea drinker too, or her mother is. Instant relations.h.i.+p!

Walk through the corridors. Do people look happy? Are they friendly? Do they seem your type? Take a quick trip to the cafeteria or lounge, buy a cup of coffee, and listen. Are people complaining? Do they look miserable? Would you want to eat lunch with them?

Most of us put a great deal of time and attention into learning about the other important environments in our lives. If we're sending our child to school, we want to know everything about it-are the cla.s.srooms well-equipped, is there a good student-teacher ratio, does the school have a good reputation; we'll talk to a dozen other mothers. I know some women who'll spend months researching a possible vacation spot, and others who won't buy a house until they've practically camped out in it.

Your relations.h.i.+p with your workplace is one of the most important in your life. Make sure you do your homework.

Get Picked for the Team.

A short time ago a friend was telling me a story about her son, who was trying out for his high school basketball team. Because he's considerably shorter than his cla.s.smates, he arranged a basket shooting display for his coach to show that his skill compensated for his size. He had practiced on the garage hoop several hours a day for the better part of two years. The strategy worked. He landed a spot as a guard.

When he announced the good news to his family at the dinner table that night, his father was delighted. But his sister, looking at him with the disdain that only a younger sister can muster, said, "I'd never want to join any team that didn't already want me."

Carry this kind of experience over to the job interview. The typical guy, who knows what it's like to sit on the bench waiting to play, arrives prepared to sell himself. His every movement says, "Come on, coach, let me in the game."

Most women, on the other hand, spend a lifetime hoping to get noticed. We're taught that it's more polite to wait to be asked-to go out on a date, to get called on in cla.s.s. (Not surprisingly, studies show that girls are twice as likely to raise their hands in cla.s.s if boys aren't around.) We don't grow up learning how to sell ourselves the way men do.

But on a job interview, you have to sell. And you have to sell with whatever you've got. Even if it's your first job and all you can say for yourself is that you're a well-organized, hardworking person, then do it. Let them see how accurate you are.

You're going to be b.u.mping into male-female stereotypes all the way, so be alert. The first one to consider takes place before the interview starts: punctuality. Yes, men are as tardy as we are. But the cliche of the man who's late isn't so much a part of our culture as the constantly late woman, who's so overwhelmed with her life that she can't manage her time.

Don't expect to get away with a lie. I don't believe people who excuse their tardiness by saying they were in an accident. Why are they sitting in front of me without a smudge or a worry on their face? Shouldn't they be at the hospital or the police station?

The Problem: When women act in a manner that confirms stereotypes, we get slammed. It's even worse when those stereotypes. .h.i.t a nerve. For example, if your interviewer has a perpetually tardy wife, and you show up ten minutes late, he will be angrier at you than at an equally late male applicant.

Good Strategy: Do some reconnaissance. Go to the interview site the day before so you don't get lost. Is the site near routine traffic jams? Is there a lengthy security check? What about parking-is it convenient and plentiful?

Other stereotypes walk right into the room with you. Boy's games teach them to develop their physical power; girls' games don't. Thus men are more apt to comfortably stride into the room, sit down, and look large.

I'm not saying you should strut into the interview like a football player, but you don't want to appear meek either. Find a way to exude self-a.s.surance and physical presence. Every move you make matters. If your handshake is a wet dishrag, for example, you make a statement. I noticed the importance of this the other day when a newscaster came in for an interview as an anchor. When she put out her hand to say h.e.l.lo, her grip was solid. I was immediately more available to talk to her; I knew that a whole person was present. Too many women don't grip the other person's hand when they shake it-in part because we are not comfortable showing physical strength, but I'm also convinced that our experience taking a man's hand is colored by our dating years. Holding hands with our boyfriends was usually a pa.s.sive, even a submissive, moment.

Do you make eye contact when you meet someone? Since women are taught to be modest, we seldom penetrate with our eyes. Furthermore, because we're trained in intuition and relations.h.i.+ps, we often avoid looking directly into another person's face, because it may seem rude.

Or perhaps we're afraid of seeing truth. Look into a man's eyes and you'll know if he loves you, said our mothers. Many women have told me that they avoid eye contact with interviewers because they're afraid they'll see the job isn't theirs.

Bear in mind: Some interviews will be great and some will be terrible. That's a fact of business life, and there's no reason to believe you did something wrong. If the exchange was indeed that gruesome, the company may well be the wrong place for you.

That man eyeballing you is looking for someone who can make a difference to the team, someone who has the skills to compensate for the team's current weaknesses. When you exude comfort and confidence in the interview situation, you're letting him know you can do what needs to get done.

Basically, business is one long interview, so you might as well learn to do it well now.

GAME HINT: Women often think we must be smarter than men to land the job, but you can outwit yourself by being too smart. If you come to an interview armed with a dozen Serious Points you want to make, you may become so concerned with showing off your knowledge that you don't hear the actual conversation.

Wear the Right Uniform.

Men have it easy when it comes to dressing for success. Basically, they have a uniform-the suit. This means that when they introduce themselves to a prospective boss, he's not paying attention to their outfit. He's focusing on their personality, their handshake, their resume. (We always joke with the male CNN anchors that the only item of clothing they can change is their tie.) A woman's wardrobe, however, is a vital part of our presentation. It tells our colleagues what we're all about. Do you want others to think you're a plodder or an iconoclast? Are you creative, gregarious, secure? Are you conservative, timid, self-conscious? Your wardrobe has the power to convey all these messages, and as you move up the ladder into management it will prove either an a.s.set or a detriment.

The primary message your clothes convey: I am suited up. I am ready to play. I am wearing the appropriate uniform to achieve my goal.

Once you're on the team, find your personal comfort level. I wore dresses for years, but now I prefer pants suits, which allow me to take off my jacket during the day. But even on casual days I keep a blazer handy so that I'll always look appropriate for an important impromptu meeting. I particularly like blazers with oversized pockets, where I can stuff my wallet and ID card if I don't want to carry my handbag. In the context of business, a purse can be a distraction.

The history of our wardrobe often reflects the history of our careers. One very smart woman I know can never really get ahead. Overweight, she dresses like a hippie in shapeless clothes designed to hide her body. Her company has carefully moved her out of positions of power and excluded her from meetings with outside executives. The more distance between her and the big bosses, the more she hides in her clothing. Her fears, first reflected in her dress, have become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A sales executive I know at a California financial company earns a good deal of money, but she's not as high up in the company as she'd like. The reason: Her outfits are attractive but a little too tight. They show off her excellent figure, but they are inappropriate-so much so that her male a.s.sociates feel uncomfortable around her. One colleague told me he was reluctant to have business dinners with her alone because he worried about what his wife would think.

A woman can also use her wardrobe as strategy. One high-priced lawyer tells me that the more difficult the negotiation, the more feminine she dresses, because she wants the opposition to forget how tough she is. On a normal day at the office, however, she wears a basic pants suit, to show her partners that she is as much of a power player as the rest of them.

The higher you progress up the ladder, the more apt you are to establish your own personal style. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright always wears a large pin on her lapel. It's the most noticeable aspect of her wardrobe, and its purpose is to suggest her individual style and her femininity without deviating too much from the appropriate uniform of the highest ranking member of the president's cabinet.

The bottom line: Dress for the team, but do it with confidence, creativity, and within the range of your own personal comfort. Clothing telegraphs to the world not just who you think you are, but who you want to be.

GAME HINT 1: Like it or not, our clothes frequently reflect our mood. Many of us have fat clothes, depressed clothes, angry clothes. When I'm at my heaviest, I wear unattractive outfits. It's a mistake. When a woman's outfit looks only halfpulled together, people tend to think her life is equally disorganized.

GAME HINT 2: One of the major rules in dressing for television is to avoid anything distracting-jangling bracelets, dangling earrings. This is true for business too. Such accessories are only appropriate when you want to distract-and in my entire career I don't recall ever wanting to do that. You could chair the most important meeting of your life, be at your most brilliant, look your very best, but if you're wearing elaborate jewelry, that will be the first thing people notice, and perhaps the last they remember.

Set the Right Goal.

Not long ago, after giving a speech on the West Coast, a member of the audience approached me and told me about her seven-year plan. She was only a manager now, she explained, but in three years she was going to be a vice president, and four years after that, a senior vice president. She concluded by asking me about my own plans for the future.

I told her that to the best of my knowledge, I was going to be eating dinner shortly. I wasn't being flip. I've just never had three-, five-, ten-, or any other year plans. I've always felt that if I can tell what's going to happen to me in the next few days, life is good.

A plan can provide a sense of security. It gives you a tangible goal, something you can write down on a piece of paper and rea.s.sure yourself against. "Two years from now I will have a Big t.i.tle and make $75,000. Four years from now I want a Major t.i.tle and $150,000. In seven years, I want the Ultimate t.i.tle, I want my salary to double, and I want a big bonus too."

But rigid goals and five-year plans remind me of one of the most serious flaws in the old communist systems, one which helped a.s.sure their downfall: Inflexible goals impede new possibilities. No career is completely linear-it jigs and jags and crosses and turns. The mark of a good player is the ability to improvise; sticking to a specific plan leading to a specific goal limits your ability to do so. The woman who has that great new job you didn't even apply for probably never made a plan. While you were busy figuring out your own Step Seven, she was taking advantage of a challenging but unconventional spontaneous opportunity.

A great career is seldom reached by a ladder of small steps. If all you do is move up little by little, the ladder will go on forever. You don't get where you want to go incrementally. In most companies, the person recognized as a star is either the one who has made the great move or the one who has outfought the opposition. Stars don't wait for the future. They make the future happen.

Combine good strategic plays with vision. Goals stop possibility; vision creates them. Have a basic sense of what you want and where you want to go, and then try to visualize yourself there. Guys do that. From the moment they walk into the building, they see themselves in the CEO's suit. Every guy in my office feels he's a potential CNN president. Few of the women do-we rarely see ourselves higher than the highest-ranking woman we know, and she's seldom a CEO.

Having a vision also means taking advantage of any opportunity that can make it real-from moving into a fading department with turnaround potential to jumping on a promising new project that everyone else fears.

And be sure that your vision keeps pace with current reality. Jan Leschly, CEO of the drug conglomerate SmithKline Beecham, tells a story about his goal as a young tennis star to play center court at Wimbledon. He practiced and practiced to achieve this end, and one day he did indeed play Rod Laver at center court. As Leschly says, everyone has heard of Laver, but no one has heard of him-because he lost. His vision wasn't to win at center court. It was just to play there. Having vision isn't enough-you have to keep adjusting it to ensure you don't limit your options.

Personally, my professional goal was to feel good about my work, to grow, and to be appropriately compensated for my contribution. As for doing well, I just a.s.sumed I would succeed. I've never wanted to do nonsuccessful. I learned long ago that if the quarterback hands you the ball, you don't wonder if you're going to make the touchdown. You a.s.sume you will.

Instead of spending your day saying, "Why?," learn to spend it saying, "Why not?"

HOW TO KEEP SCORE.

There is no point at which you can say, "Well, I'm successful now. I might as well take a nap."

CARRIE FISHER, ACTRESS AND WRITER.

HERE'S JANIS, WHO'S BEEN A VICE PRESIDENT AT a large company for several years. She is a strong supporter of women in her industry, and her division has more women working in it than any other in her company.

It is also one of the most successful, but you wouldn't know this from walking around her department. The women who work for Janis don't have the same large offices and the same impressive secondary staffs as the men in similar positions elsewhere in the company.

Janis's bosses are not slighting her. She never asked for these things, because she didn't think they mattered. Janis didn't demand a huge office, because she was more comfortable with a smaller room, which fit her self-image. She didn't notice that outsiders who walked through her corridors thought the guy in the large s.p.a.ce next door was more important than she was. He wasn't, but how would anyone know that?

To a guy, everything counts. The size of his office, the size of his staff, the size of his salary, the size of anything that can be measured. And they're always keeping score. Watch guys on the tennis court. Unlike women, who often suggest we "just volley for a while," the men want to start a game right away. After all, the object is to win. You can't win if you don't know who's ahead.

Perks are like your wardrobe; they introduce you to your business a.s.sociates. And they either speak of power or they don't.

When we've done a good job, we can feel satisfied if the boss praises our work and gives us a dutiful raise. But if we don't have the sense to ask for staff, stock options, benefits, cars, club members.h.i.+ps, severance packages, guaranteed performance reviews, we probably won't get them.

Several years ago, following a promotion, a male colleague wondered if I'd been given the allowance for a big car or a small car. I didn't let him know that I wasn't aware of any car allowance. When I checked into the matter, I was horrified to learn that everyone else on my level had been offered car money long ago. Once I bothered to find out about it, I was smart enough to demand the large car allowance. The company agreed to my request without hesitation.

I've often noticed that there are some fairly young guys in the company whose jobs aren't clear to me, but when you walk into their well-appointed offices, you can't help but be impressed. Sometimes it's because the young man knows how to play the game and has asked for fancy surroundings. Other times it's because he has a mentor who wants him to look hot. A skillful mentor will make sure that the junior people on his team look powerful, because that's how he looks powerful too.

Recently a male executive was given a raise and promised a new office near mine. His boss decided the new room wasn't large enough, so he had the walls torn down between two smaller offices to create more s.p.a.ce.

These tearers-down-of-walls are seldom women, because to many of us, such ostentatious land grabs feel greedy. Worse, we often receive validation from other women when we don't try to rack up the points. There you are, sitting around the coffee lounge with your friends, telling them how you and three guys were offered new offices, and one of them wasn't nearly as nice as the others. The guys were relentless in their pursuit of the three nice rooms, while you finally said, "This is ridiculous. I'll take the small office. I can put nice pictures in it and make it look fine." The other women agree with you.

I can't imagine a woman saying to her crowd, "I stood there and screamed and stood my ground until I wore them all down and got what should have been mine in the first place!" If she had, her friends would have thought, "She must be out of her mind."

There is a lot of support from our female business a.s.sociates for doing the right thing, particularly when the men are doing something wrong. But is this support always helpful?

The guys are always figuring out who's ahead and who's behind, and we're not. That means, while they're racking up points, we can be perceived as losers. We're thinking, "I'm doing a good job so I don't need these symbols of success," while he's thinking, "Man, she sure doesn't know the score."

GAME HINT: Say you're sitting around in the lunchroom with a cup of coffee and you have a sudden inspiration about your new project. You mention it to a few people at the table. You take little heed, but the guy sitting across from you is taking notes.

Then, at the next concept meeting, you hear him presenting your material as his. A foul play? Not really. At work, you can't look at a referee and yell, "Time out!" There is no time out. Everything you say and everything you do is part of the game. It's only practice when you're not keeping score-and the guys always are.

KEEPING SCORE WITH DECOR: I know a woman whose brains and zeal have helped her achieve success in the corporate world, but you wouldn't know it by looking at her office. Because she knows her present furnis.h.i.+ngs are perfectly functional, when the bosses offer her a new chrome desk, a black leather chair, a fancy credenza, she declines. And since she dislikes working in a s.p.a.ce that isn't familiar, when they suggest it's time to paint or re-carpet, she politely says no, even though the other executives on her level all have freshly painted corner offices with large windows.

This is how she manages her own home: She buys lovely furniture at the thrift shop and repaints or restains it herself. She also excels at keeping her household within her budget.

Not surprisingly, her climb to the top is faltering. Whenever she has meetings with other executives or outside vendors, she has to use someone else's office, because it's more comfortable, and that means she's never seen in the power position of sitting behind her own desk, running the meeting. People have begun to think of my friend as an oddity, a pack rat who toils away in a cramped s.p.a.ce with dumpy furniture.

If pressed, she would probably tell you that her superiors must be grateful to her for saving the company so much money. (It is true her frugality has saved money, but only a negligible amount-a tenth of a percent of her department's total budget.) As for myself, I have always made the mistake of using recycled furniture, because it seemed silly to buy anything new when the company storehouse is filled with excellent used chairs and desks. I think of myself as a good girl who doesn't waste money, but I doubt anyone else in the company knows-or cares-about my thriftiness. It took writing this book to make me realize I need to upgrade my office.

PLAYING THE GAME: FOURTEEN BASIC RULES FOR SUCCESS.

A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT, FORMER FIRST LADY AND SOCIAL REFORMER.

MANY YEARS AGO, AS MY BIRTHDAY WAS APPROACHING, I began fantasizing about the wonderful presents my husband might give me. Feeling particularly romantic that cold winter, I remember dreaming about bouquets of fresh-cut flowers, particularly my favorite-roses.

When the day arrived, my present turned out to be a television set with a pair of headphones, which meant that I could tune in my favorite programs while my husband watched his sports events.

In all fairness, he had spent time and money on his gift, and he genuinely expected me to like it. Anyway, I had never actually told him I wanted something romantic, like flowers.

That's the key fact. I never told him. My thought was, "If he really cares about me, he'll know what I want. If I have to tell him what I want, I don't want it."

Every time, at every seminar and speech I give, when women hear that story, they nod. We all seem to recognize that sentiment.

Now translate that sentiment into business.

Say your immediate goal is the Paris a.s.signment. Your boss has been talking about opening up an office in France for a year now. It's your dream. If you're not paying attention to strategy, you'll strategize like this: You'll obliquely mention how much you enjoy European travel. You'll say how you've signed up for French lessons. You'll talk about your growing interest in French cuisine.

But as you do all this-and as you continue to perform better than anyone else in your department-some guy down the hall will march into your boss's office and convince him he's the best guy for Paris.