Remix. Part 32

Where's she gone? The crowd is so much larger today and I despair of finding her. I feel like such a bad human being on so many levels that I almost give up there and then. Until...

There. And even though I'd rather be running in the other direction I plunge forward.

Lauren's stalled by the crowds at the gate, but the queue is knotted too tightly for me to get through. I call Tom.

"Lauren knows!" I say by way of greeting.

"She-" There's a beep on his phone and a pause as he checks the message. "Oh. I just got a text..." which I a.s.sume he's reading "What the h.e.l.l, Kaz? I thought we agreed-"

"I didn't tell her!" I'm angry. "She heard Stu shout that you slept with me when you were supposed to be sleeping with her."

There's a (presumably) stunned silence on the other end of the phone, during which time I manage to process the meaning behind what I've just said, the question I hadn't meant to ask the answer Tom is not giving.

It's the last, undeniable piece of the puzzle: the condoms in his bag; the girlfriend sharing his tent; the way Lauren talked... And yet I talked myself out of all of those things because I still wanted to believe in a Tom that didn't exist.

I'm so stupid.

"... are you now?" Oh. Tom is talking.

And I'm angry.

"In the arena. I'm going to find Lauren," I say.

No, furious.

"KAZ, DON'T-"

Make that apoplectic.

"Sod off, Tom. It's not like you're capable of making it better, either." And I hang up for good.

I'm never answering one of his calls again.

RUBY.

Stu is at our camp. I honestly have no idea what has gone down, but he does not look happy.

G.o.d, I love him.

No, that's not right.

Lee's ahead of me, barging towards my ex-boyfriend. "What are you doing here?"

"What do you think I'm doing here? Looking for Ruby." Stu tries to look round my brother, but Lee leans to block his view.

"Well, she's not here."

"She's right there, you t.w.a.t, I can see her with my eyes."

"What are you doing, Lee?" I elbow him out of the way. "h.e.l.lo, Stu."

He reaches out to touch my arm, but Lee bats his hand away.

"Get off my sister!"

"What?!" I'm not sure who's more outraged, me or Stu.

"I'm looking out for you, Ruby."

"For f.u.c.k's-" Stu makes a frustrated growling noise in his throat. "What's with the 'Must Protect Ruby' mandate? First Kaz, now you."

"What happened with Kaz?" I ask, trying to change the subject.

Stu actually looks a little guilty. "I don't want to f.u.c.k it up any further than I already have. This is something you need to talk to Kaz about."

Which is all very mysterious. And annoying. I don't like people not telling me things.

Hypocrite Klaxon!

"Stop changing the subject." Lee is talking. "You've been s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g with Ruby all weekend."

"And you're going to stop me." Stu rolls his eyes. "Seriously, Lee. I mean, seriously." He steps a little closer, crossing his arms to make his biceps look bigger. Next to my brother he doesn't really need to. I've got bigger biceps than him and I look like a starved chicken. Well, a mutant chicken who has biceps.

"You dare lay another finger on her..." Lee is actually squaring up to him and I can't help it.

Laughter explodes from me so hard that I feel like all the misery, all the regret, all the energy from the crowds, the music, everything is spilling out of me. I'm bending over double, my stomach killing me, and I'm aware that my brother and the boy I'm not supposed to love are staring at me like I've lost my mind.

Maybe I kinda have.

KAZ.

It seems as if the sun is sitting on top of the clouds as they bulge lower under the weight of it, pressing down on the air. Sweat p.r.i.c.kles lightly on my top lip as I step out into the arena, despairing at the crowds in here, doubting that I'll find her. I've tried ringing, but she's turned her phone off.

Poor Lauren. I don't know how I would react if I were in her position.

Tom didn't cheat with some stranger, a girl she'll never have to meet, a girl who meant nothing you're going to have to tell Lauren that her boyfriend had s.e.x with you.

I don't want to apologize to Lauren (well, I do, but I know it will mean almost nothing). I don't even know what I want to say to her. I just know I have to find her.

I'm wandering aimlessly through the crowds when I catch sight of a red vest in the crowd ahead. Slowly, I walk down from the brow of the hill to where Lauren is sitting, alone on the gra.s.s.

She's been crying. Who wouldn't have?

"h.e.l.lo, Kaz." She doesn't sound angry. Nor does she look up.

I sit, knees pulled up to my chin, skirt over my legs so that I can just feel the hem brus.h.i.+ng my bare toes. There's a long, depressing silence, as if I can't read the score I'm supposed to be playing from. Best improvise.

"I'm sorry you found out like that."

"I'm sorry there was something for me to find out about," she says, still not looking at me.

"I'm so sorry..."

But Lauren isn't listening. "I knew this was coming. I just thought I could stop it. If you and I became friends... I didn't know it was already too late."

I close my eyes against the bright grey of the sky and think how furious I am with Tom. If I had met Lauren if I'd even known she existed all this could have been prevented. "I didn't know he was seeing someone else."

Lauren shakes her head and laughs without mirth. "Neither did his parents until Tom invited me round for one of their barbecues. You should have seen the look on their faces... And all the relatives asked where you were, not by your t.i.tle, but by your name. Where's Kaz? Aren't the two of you still friendly? Such a lovely girl. I don't think they were trying to be rude or anything. They just missed you. And then, I think, Tom did too. I'd catch him looking at photos on his phone or listening to Carpenters songs on repeat."

This makes me incredibly sad. That's exactly what I had been doing.

"But Tom's the kind of boyfriend I've always wanted. Apart from the being in love with his ex-girlfriend thing. I thought I could change his mind. Show him what we had was something worth having." She finally looks at me and my whole body becomes an echo chamber of guilt. "Guess I wasn't worth that much to him after all."

It's so difficult to look at her when I say, "If I'd known..."

"Did you ask him?" And I move my head ever so slightly from side to side. "Perhaps you should have done."

When Lauren looks away, I'm relieved. Eye contact is hard. A tear drips from her cheek onto her vest, blooming a deeper red as if she's been cut.

"I feel like such a fool," she says.

"You're not. You haven't been." I'm on the verge of tears too, even though I don't deserve to be sad. "I'm so sorry. G.o.d. I can't say it enough."

Lauren laughs, a tired, humourless "Huh!" then, "No. You really can't."

And when she looks at me, I force myself to face the consequences of what I've done. "I really like you, Lauren." Because there is nothing else left to say.

"I really liked you too."

We sit there for a moment, both looking anywhere but at each other, neither sure what comes next, when I feel Lauren tense beside me.

"Kaz..." One hand is rising up to her mouth in surprise, but the other is pointing at the Festblog screen. "Is that Ruby?"

36 * ALL EYES ON ME

RUBY.

Stu is currently timing how fast I can eat a hot dog. Lee walked with us to the arena, but left us to go and find the others. I'm quite glad, since having him shoot Stu evils every other second might have put me off my hot-dog-gobbling game. As it is, I am totally nailing this. It's like a snake swallowing an egg. My cheeks are stuffed, so I punch Stu on the arm to indicate he needs to stop the clock, but he shakes his head.

"Oh no, you've got to swallow it."

I almost choke on the last swallow before I come back with, "You would say that..."

And he gives me a wicked grin, his teeth flas.h.i.+ng a touch, before he looks down at the clock on his phone. "Well done. Record time, Soho."

I love it when he calls me that. My favourite of the Ruby song references.

"So what do I win?" I look up at him, meeting his eyes, trying not to smile too wide.

"Did I say there was a prize?" But he's watching me for something. Something I want him to see. Stu edges closer, his lower lip tucked into his mouth thoughtfully, piercing bobbing as he plays with it. When he's close enough, Stu slides his arms around me and presses his lips to mine and I let it happen. I have always resisted the idea of giving Stu what he wants, even when we were together. But I'm thinking that maybe it's OK to give someone what they want, if that's what you want too.

And it is what I want. He is what I want, flaws and all. When he gets it right, Stu makes me happy like no one else. Besides, he's not the only one who's flawed, is he?

When Stu pulls away, he is smiling with every fibre of his being and I feel like I am the only person in his world.

"Is that her?" Whoever says this is speaking so loud that I look up, wondering who she's pointing at.

It's me.

Her friends shake their heads, and try to turn her away, one of them smiling an apology as they pa.s.s. But I can hear the girl muttering, "I'm sure it's her. Look at that tattoo on her arm."

Stu and I glance down at my arm and I shrug. "Someone's a fan of my fake tatt."

Stu checks the time and asks me if I'd like to head down to the main stage. The next band coming on are a hardcore act that have had a few top 40 hits the words "pit" and "epic" are thrown in, not that I need convincing. But as we walk down to the main stage, I start to feel paranoid. It really does seem like people are looking at me. Stu notices too, because when someone shouts "Get in!" he gives me a worried look and slides his hand into mine.

We crest the hill and start walking down towards the stage. I glance up at the Festblog screen when it starts flas.h.i.+ng red.