Calling Me: Calling Me Away Part 9

"You know what you were saying the other night?" I looked out the window as I spoke.

"The other night? You mean about a second chance?"

A tightness formed across my forehead.

"I'm not pus.h.i.+ng you," he said.

Our feelings were clearly uneven, and I really didn't want to lead him on. "I know. I just think . . . we make more sense as friends. I like hanging out with you, but not as anything more."

"I said I'm not pus.h.i.+ng you." He moved to let someone pa.s.s and placed his hand on my waist as he stepped closer to me. Anyone watching us would a.s.sume we were a couple.

"I know. I just want to be clear. I don't want to lead you on or-"

"You're not leading me on. We're hanging out. Seeing how things go." This wasn't a conversation to have on a bus, but he obviously hoped our relations.h.i.+p would progress, and it wasn't fair to him letting him think so.

"Richard, I can't-"

"Shhh." He placed a finger on my lips as his eyes fixed on mine. "Let's just have a nice evening. Yes?"

I nodded. What else could I do?

"So when do you hear about business school?" Clearly the subject about our friends.h.i.+p was off the table. For now.

"Next week, I expect."

"You'll get in, no problem." He smiled.

"You think? I thought you wouldn't approve."

"What made you think that?"

I shrugged. I couldn't remember if Richard had actually said something about the MBA being a bad idea, or whether it was just the stuff he'd said about me being a stay-at-home mom.

"It's a lot of work. I had a mate who did it."

"It is. I don't think I'll have much of a chance for a personal life if I get accepted, what with working and everything."

When Richard didn't respond straight away, I looked up to find him staring at me intently.

"You could go part-time. Just while you're on the course."

"Are you crazy? I can't afford to go part-time."

His chest rose and he spoke just louder than a whisper. "Well, you never know how things will go in the next couple of months. By the time you start, we may be . . . even better friends . . . and you could move in with me and save on rent. I'm not rus.h.i.+ng you, but think about it. It might make it easier for you."

Several times, I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I was literally speechless.

It was if the sky cracked open at that moment, and his invitation suddenly brought me totally clarity. Richard was sweet, kind and generous, and if I couldn't fall for him, I'd rather be on my own than be with anyone other than Luke.

Anyone was a compromise I wasn't prepared to make.

Luke The restaurant was quieter than I'd expected for a Sat.u.r.day. Probably because it was in the city. Somehow, the lack of noise put more pressure on me to speak.

"You look lovely," I said to Fiona. She wore pink, which made her eyes look bluer than I'd noticed before.

"Thanks. You look nice too. Your face seems more . . . tan, if that's possible in this weather."

"Oh, it must be the fake stuff I'm using." I grinned at her.

"Really?" She looked shocked.

I smiled. "No, I'm not really a fake tan kind of guy."

She laughed. "Thank G.o.d."

Though we'd been hanging out a lot in between times, running and grabbing lunch at work on some days, tonight was my fourth official date with Fiona. Up until this evening, we'd not really done anything other than kiss. I was happy with that, but when I dropped her off last weekend, she'd invited me in. I'd panicked and made up an excuse. I needed to be more prepared this time.

"Do you want to get another bottle of red?" I asked. We were at a casual Italian place near my flat, and we'd already drunk one bottle. Was she as nervous as I was? Presumably she had also considered sleeping together tonight.

"Sure. I guess we don't have to drink it all."

"They have the most incredible desserts here." We'd finished our main courses, and I wasn't exactly putting off the short walk back to either hers or mine-we lived just a few blocks from each other-but a little more time before we went anywhere wouldn't be the worst thing. I was nervous. I wasn't sure I wanted to sleep with her. I liked her, and she was attractive. Before Ashleigh, I would have been thinking about how to get her into bed, because I hadn't known better. Now I did. I didn't long to touch Fiona, be close to her.

As if on cue, the waiter arrived with the dessert menus, and we ordered wine and pudding. Coffee could come after that.

"This is my last drink until the race," Fiona said.

"Really? You totally give it up." Having work and triathlons in common meant that although I felt pressured to speak, there was never a lack of interesting conversation. Emma and I hadn't often gone out one on one, but when we had, we'd ended up talking about her friends and what they were doing. It had filled the silence, but I wasn't really interested. Fiona and I were a good fit in many ways, and much less complicated than Ashleigh and I.

"Yup, for a month before. It's like total rehab really. But then I go crazy after the race and live on chocolate and alcohol so it undoes all the good I've done."

"I thought that was a normal diet for girls."

Fiona rolled her eyes at the same time the waiter placed our enormous chocolate desserts in front of us and topped off our wine. I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Point made, Mr. Daniels."

"I'm not saying anything. But you are going to love this." I pointed at my plate with my fork. "I can't believe you've never tried this place. It's so close to you."

"I guess I don't normally hang out around here. But it's fun. Maybe we'll come again."

I smiled at her. It was fun.

As we left the restaurant, we headed in the direction of Fiona's flat without any discussion.

I dug my hands into my pockets, and Fiona linked her arm through mine and leaned into me. I liked that she felt comfortable enough to do that. "Do you have a busy day tomorrow?" I asked. It was an inane question, but I didn't like awkward silences.

"Hmmm, not really. I'll do some training but nothing other than that. Do you have dinner with your sister?"

"Yeah. She's pregnant, did I say?"

"You told me. You looking forward to being an uncle?"

I grinned. Better that than becoming a father. "I'm going to spoil the kid rotten." My stomach rolled over as we began the walk down her street. s.e.x with someone new was always nerve-racking. Except it hadn't been with Ashleigh, perhaps because we'd known each other for so long. That, and we'd been drunk the first time.

She released my arm and dug about in her bag to retrieve her keys. "You want to come in?"

"Sure." I swallowed. This was it. I was going in. I followed her straight into the living room.

"Can I get you a coffee? Or more wine?" She smoothed her hand over my chest.

"Wine would be good, actually, if you have anything open." I looked around and took in her apartment. "How long have you been here?" It looked like it was a rented place. The furniture and decoration didn't reflect who she was, and there didn't seem to be the details I was used to seeing in Haven's and Ash's apartments.

"Nearly two years. It's rented. I wasn't sure where I wanted to be when I split from James. I've been so busy; I've just stayed." She came back into the living room with two gla.s.ses of wine. We hovered in front of the sofa before taking a seat next to each other.

"You okay?" she asked. Perhaps I looked pale.

"Yeah, good, you?" My heart was thudding against my breastbone and the weight of expectation lingered between us. She handed me a gla.s.s, linked our free hands together and smiled at me. I squeezed her hand and rubbed my thumb over her knuckles. I needed to stop being a p.u.s.s.y and kiss her. "You look really pretty." I meant it. She was a gorgeous girl, and her kindness made it all the more true.

I took her gla.s.s and placed our wine on the table. I cupped her face and leaned into her, pressing my lips against hers. Immediately she moaned, opening her mouth, leading me forward. I slid my tongue across her bottom lip. She was warm and open and really wanted this. Her hands pushed up my chest and fiddled with the top b.u.t.ton of my s.h.i.+rt. An image of Ashleigh flashed into my mind. She'd done the same thing the night of the awards ceremony. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to get rid of the thought of her.

I rose up on my knees and gently moved Fiona to her back, and crawled over her. Her legs parted as I fit myself between her thighs. I held her waist with one hand. I tried to remember whether or not Ashleigh had felt like this under me, then realized that was the last thing I should be thinking about.

Fiona's fingers were at my s.h.i.+rt again, and she started to undo the b.u.t.tons, stroking the exposed skin as she went. I delved deeper into her mouth, pus.h.i.+ng my tongue against hers, my hand still at her waist, wondering if I should be moving higher or lower.

With my s.h.i.+rt undone, Fiona's attention turned to my belt buckle, and the reality of the situation crashed around me. When she sensed the tension in my body, her fingers stilled. I pushed up on my knees, then turned and sat down. "I'm sorry," I said.

She sat up on her elbows. "G.o.d, no. I'm sorry. Was I moving too fast?"

I scrubbed my hands down my face and stood. "No, this is . . . It's me. I'm . . ."

She swung her legs round. I could feel her looking at me.

"I thought . . ." she started.

"Yeah, I did and then . . . c.r.a.p. I'm so sorry; I can't do this." She was a lovely girl. Pretty, funny, good company.

She just wasn't Ashleigh.

Ashleigh was the only person I wanted touching me. Ashleigh was the only person I wanted underneath me. I wasn't ready to be moving on to anything else, wasn't ready to settle for someone who wasn't her. I wasn't sure I ever would be.

"This?" she asked me. "Is it too fast?"

"G.o.d, Fiona, I'm really, really sorry." I turned to face her. "You're a lovely girl. Really. I like you. I just don't think this," I said, indicating between us, "is right, for me. I think I'm not over things with . . ."

"Emma."

I didn't correct her, but she couldn't have been more wrong. I hadn't been in love with Emma all these years. "I don't know what to say. I shouldn't have . . . I thought-"

"Don't. Maybe I pushed. I liked you and I wanted you to like me as much."

The last thing I wanted was for her to blame herself. "I do like you; you're great. Really, you are. This is just me. I think I need to work out what I want." I wasn't being truthful. Being with Fiona, who was so right for me in so many ways, just showed me how Ashleigh was perfect for me. It was more complicated and we had way more to lose, but Ashleigh was worth it.

"Is it too soon? Do we just need to slow down?" she asked.

It would be easier if I said yes. But I couldn't lie to her.

"I'm sorry. I just don't think this is going to work. But I don't want you to think it's anything to do with you."

She stood and forced a smile. "It's not you, it's me?" She lifted an eyebrow. I shook my head. It sounded like an excuse, but it was true.

"I'm sorry." I couldn't say it often enough, and I meant it every time. "I wanted this to work. I mean it should work. I like you; I really do. I'm just in love with someone else, and I'm not ready to give up on that. I'm really sorry."

"Don't be." Her gaze was fixed to the floor, more disappointed than angry. I wished I'd got to where I was earlier, without hurting her.

"Can we still be friends?" I really enjoyed her company, and I'd liked getting to know someone new. As I got older, I'd retreated into old habits and friends.h.i.+ps. I hadn't realized how much until I'd started hanging out with Fiona and training for the triathlon. "I really like you. Honestly. And I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together. You've helped me see more of the world. I don't want to lose that."

"You're going to have to give me a bit of time on that." She folded her arms, creating a barrier between us. "I know you're not a bad person, and you can't help who you love. I just need to regroup."

I nodded, kissed her on the head and left.

I knew where I needed to be.

Luke Nerves jangled with determination in my stomach, threatening to spill the coffees that I was carrying. It was early on a Sunday morning. The combination of the two meant I was very likely about to have my b.o.l.l.o.c.ks chopped off and handed back to me by a sleepy Ashleigh, but at least I'd have had coffee. I couldn't and wouldn't spend another second without her. I'd wasted enough years failing to see what was right in front of me. I wasn't waiting any longer.

The night before with Fiona had brought things into focus. Even nice, comfortable, pretty Fiona wasn't enough. She simply wasn't Ashleigh.

Ashleigh was the one, and I was done waiting. I'd been prepared to be patient, for her to be convinced of my feelings for her, but as time went on, I couldn't help but think maybe she didn't trust her own feelings. Maybe I had to hold her hand so we could take a leap of faith together.

I took a deep breath and pressed the buzzer to Ashleigh's flat.

I waited. No answer. She was probably still in bed.

I pressed again. Still no answer. What if she was in bed with someone else? It hadn't occurred to me, but she might have gotten back together with Richard, or met someone else she liked better. Someone she wanted to get married to and have kids with. Panic started to crawl over me, leaving goose b.u.mps in its wake. I pressed the buzzer again. I'd just have to convince her that they weren't right for her. That I was.

I pressed again, and this time I didn't let go.

"What the f.u.c.k?" came a voice through the intercom. I grinned. At least she was answering.

"Let me up, Ashleigh."

"Luke? Jesus. This better be good."

I heard the clink of the door and pushed the entrance open.

I found myself jogging to the stairwell. A cup in each hand, I tried to keep my arms steady as I took the stairs two at a time to the third floor.

As soon as I reached her corridor, I strained my neck to see her head pop out to welcome me, desperate for my first glimpse of her, but it wasn't until I stood on her doormat that locks started to clink behind the door.