Beautiful: Truth's Found When Beauty's Lost Part 22

It was 3:00 a.m. She'd never gone home that late before. Both she and Megan would have been grounded if their parents had woken up and caught them. Ellie was a little disappointed that they didn't.

Chapter 17.

THE OUTSIDER.

The No-Longer-Anonymous Blog about Life at West Redding High

April 21 "The most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest."

-The Books in My Life, Henry Miller So I shouldn't buy those DVDs on "Making Millions without Doing a Thing" in twenty easy payments of $19.99?

The next week moved along like the one before: physical therapy, television and more movies, reading about celebrities on the Internet, hanging out with Megan and Will, browsing through her friends' Mys.p.a.ce and Facebook pages. There was a note on her Mys.p.a.ce-though she hadn't updated it since before the accident.

Ryan's friend Bly had written her: We miss you, Ellie. You're remembered every day. Come back sometime.

She thought about writing him, but it might open a door she wasn't prepared for, so she read about who was dating whom, about the latest parties, the nostalgic notes about how soon they'd be graduating and how life would change forever. Ryan's Mys.p.a.ce page was down, which she found strange. Tara's had pictures of her and Ryan at the prom. He was incredibly good-looking in his tux, and Ellie felt a pang of jealousy.

She gave a halfhearted effort to her homework. The home teacher, Mr. Carr, didn't seem to notice. He praised her work and encouraged her to finish up her past a.s.signments so she'd be on track to graduate in June. It seemed too easy, in a way. But then, she wasn't trying for college scholars.h.i.+ps now, though Mr. Carr and her mother continued to drop hints and encouragements about different schools she could apply to.

When she'd talked with Maggie in her counseling session that week, Ellie spent the hour talking about her first outing instead of the stages of grief and her grandfather. Maggie thought it was progress.

On Friday, Will picked Ellie and Megan up again. Her old clothes were baggy on her, since she'd lost so much weight in the hospital. She took a pain pill before she left this time. Ellie was surprised when she walked outside to rain. She'd been living in a confined area too long.

"Are we still going to Jonah's Farm?" Ellie asked when they got in the car.

"It's canceled."

They went instead to a party at a small, funky house near downtown. Ellie didn't want to go in. She'd been out more and more with her appointments and last weekend at Jonah's Farm. But this was confined, people jammed into a house.

"Come on," Will said, pulling her arm. "It's better in the back."

Ellie kept her head down. She hoped she wouldn't see anyone she knew, but the people looked college age and older.

"Where'd Megan go?" she asked when they reached the back patio. It was empty except for a few people at the opposite end, smoking cigarettes. The house was on a hill and gave a view of the city lights and buildings.

"She's with James."

"Who?"

Will shook his head. "You still don't know your sister?"

"I guess not." Ellie looked around, wondering what they were doing here. Though Will and Megan were the two people Ellie was around the most now, there was still an enormous amount she didn't know about them. Like how did they know these people or hear about these parties? And as close as she and Megan had become, neither of them talked about the guys in their lives.

"Are you okay? Sorry this is so crowded." Will tapped out a cigarette and lit it.

Ellie took it from him.

"Great. I'll get chewed out by your sister again."

She ignored him and took a drag. It was something to do, and it made her feel better. "Sometimes I wish I could go to the Island of Misfit Toys."

He raised his eyebrow in question, then took her cigarette and inhaled it. "We'll share this one. After it, we'll both quit, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Now back to your misfit island-" He handed her the cigarette.

"You know, on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. There's the island for all the toys that are broken or made wrong that Santa can't give to the good little girls and boys. The misfits. So they stick them all on that island."

"Like a leper colony."

She frowned. "I was thinking it sounded like a safe place."

"Maybe the lepers thought so too," Will said, and Ellie thought for a moment he might kiss her then, the way he leaned close.

She stepped back suddenly and glanced around. No way did she want any attention drawn their way.

"Speaking of misfits," Will said, "did you see who's sitting by the stereo?"

"Who?"

"Take a look."

Through the sliding gla.s.s window, Ellie saw him-leaning against the wall by himself. Ryan. His eyes were closed as he listened to the music, and his head moved slightly to the beat.

Her heart skipped and she backed away, afraid he might see her. But he was lost in his own little world. If she'd been in the living room, standing in front of him, Ellie doubted that Ryan would notice her.

"Is he stoned?" she asked.

"Fried would be more accurate, I think."

Ellie hadn't seen Ryan since the hospital. She wondered if Tara was there too. This was supposed to be a place she didn't have to worry about seeing people she knew.

"Why is he here?"

Will shrugged and turned back to the railing. Ellie stepped closer to the window. Some people walked by, but no one paid attention to Ryan sitting alone on the floor. He looked sad, and Ellie put her hand against the gla.s.s as she watched him. Should she go help him? she wondered. There came a quick flash of memory to the last party they'd both been to. The last one before . . .

"You can talk to him if you want," Will said in that sort of permission-granting way that couples have with one another. He was leaning on the railing, looking out over the city with a new cigarette in his hand. So much for quitting.

What would she say to Ryan? She was worried about him here. Who did he know? How would he get home?

Ellie wanted to ask Will why he'd brought her here, but she knew it was partly her fault. She didn't want to go to a movie, or a restaurant or a play. Not with the chance being high of seeing someone. And she just wasn't ready for the attention, for the first stares and her old friends acting as if she looked just the same.

"You know, I don't even like parties. I didn't go to them before," she said, glancing again at Ryan.

"We could go somewhere else."

Ellie sent Megan a text: Mind leaving?

Megan: I'll get a ride.

Ellie: Who with?

Megan: Talk about it tomorrow. I'm fine, go ahead. Don't wait up.

Ellie: Ryan's here.

Megan: Yeah. James knows him. He'll give him a ride home.

"Who exactly is James?" Ellie asked Will.

"He's your sister's boyfriend, sort of."

"O-kay." Ellie shook her head. "Ready?"

When they walked through the living room, Ellie paused momentarily in front of Ryan. She wanted to ask him what he was doing there and how he had been since they last talked. She wanted to help him. He looked up then, and Ellie quickly followed after Will.

"Will he be okay?" Ellie asked when they reached the car.

Will paused, then clicked the doors unlocked. "You want to give him a ride home?"

She thought yes but said no.

"What do you want to do now?"

Ellie shrugged as they got into the car. "Guess I'm not the most fun to be around once we leave my house."

Will looked at his phone to see the time. "It's not even eleven. We could get movies and ice cream or play Terminal Warfare or whatever you want."

"Movies, ice cream, and video games. I actually played a lot of video games in the hospital."

Will drove down the hilly street, and though she was still worried about Ryan and wondered why he was there without Tara in sight, her mood lightened the farther away they went.

Will spoke. "I'd say we could go to my house, but I think my dad is home."

"Are you ever going to tell me about Brazil?"

"I don't know why you're so curious about it."

"Since fourth grade, I've wondered what happened."

He laughed. "Do you want a Dutch Bros. or Starbucks before we go back to your house?"

"Just ice cream."

"And I suppose you want me to go into the store alone and buy it?"

She gave him a smile. "Sorry."

"Then I get to pick what kind. My favorite is fruitcake."

"There's no fruitcake ice cream."

They made up flavors until he parked at the store.

Sitting in the car waiting, Ellie thought about Ryan. The sadness in his face haunted her. What was happening with him? She thought about texting him, but he probably wouldn't see it tonight anyway, in the condition he was in. He'd always been antidrugs, though he drank a lot before they started dating.

When Will got back, he asked, "Have you been crying?"

She shook her head. "So what kind did you get?"

"Onion."

Will dropped her off while he went to his house for movies and the game console. She found Dad hunched over his desk with his forehead resting on his hand. Stacks of opened bills were piled around his elbow.

"You're home early," he said as he rubbed his eyes.

"Are those my hospital bills?"

He nodded.

"Are we going to be okay?"

"Yes, honey. Don't worry." He turned in his chair. "You know, we all expect everything to be good in our lives. But what about all the days that bad things could have happened, but didn't? We don't realize all the potential for bad in our lives."

She frowned. "That's comforting."

He chuckled and rubbed his eyes again. "Guess that didn't come out as encouraging as I hoped. I just mean that we should be thankful for what G.o.d does in our lives. The good and the bad shouldn't change how we feel about Him. We don't even know all the times He's saved us from things."

Ellie didn't care to hear about G.o.d right now, but she was suddenly struck by one fact. "You aren't anything like Grandfather."