Beautiful: Truth's Found When Beauty's Lost Part 23

"I've tried to be as different from my father as I could possibly be. Sometimes I've gone too far the other way. I know I can be too pa.s.sive."

"I think you're perfect." Ellie smiled at him.

He winked back. "And you have a lot of people who love you, Ellie."

She nodded. "I know."

"Do you know that your sister slept in your bedroom every night while you were in the hospital?"

"She did?"

"And one of Ryan's little sisters rode her bike over three or four times to ask how you were doing."

"When?"

"While you were in Sacramento." Dad's chair creaked as he leaned back. "People really look up to you."

"They did look up to me."

"No. You don't see it, honey. But they still look up to you and always will."

Ellie sighed, wondering what to say to that. Will's knock on the door saved her from hearing more. "We're going to watch a movie."

"Okay, honey."

"Why do you want to be with me?" Megan asked James. She took a drag of her cigarette and wished she'd never started up the habit again. Why had she started up the habit of James again too? After everything, she should be making better choices with her life. But when it came time to choose something in the moment, Megan always ended up doing what she didn't really want.

James laughed, which always cut through her serious mood.

"I'm serious," she said but couldn't stop the slight grin.

He pulled her toward him. "What do you want, babe? What do you want from me?"

She shrugged and leaned on the railing of the balcony outside his apartment. All she knew was that this wasn't the life she wanted. She didn't know what life she did want, but this wasn't it. They didn't go to the movies or out for a nice dinner; they didn't go into the city or walk the Sundial Bridge or do "normal people" things-though she didn't want to be normal. She didn't know what she wanted to be.

"Is this about the opening?" he asked with a smug grin.

"No," she said.

They'd gone to a gallery opening, and the artist was a former girlfriend of James. She'd kissed him full-on in front of Megan, and everyone acted as if this was normal, and if she acted upset, then it was her problem. No one was shocked by anything. No one judged. Well, at least, they didn't judge each other. They could sleep around, drink, do drugs, get pierced and tattooed, whatever.

"I think Lyla liked you as much as she liked me."

Megan knew what he meant by that. Lyla had held her a few seconds too long when they left. "I bet you liked that."

He laughed. "Why not?"

"And how many girlfriends have you had in your twenty years?"

"More than a few. Why, jealous?"

"You'd like that too," she said, which made him laugh harder. She sighed. "You didn't answer me."

"What was the question? Why do I want to be with you?"

She dropped her cigarette b.u.t.t into the coffee can and watched the smoke drift up. James was taking way too long answering this.

"You're hot. And I mean, really hot."

"There're a lot of hot girls in the world."

"This is true." He nodded and grinned. "I want to be with you because you make me want to write songs, play my guitar, create . . ."

She didn't want to hear more. "Do you have another cigarette?"

Megan remained on the balcony for now, but inwardly she was walking away. The problem was, she had no idea what she was walking toward.

The next afternoon, Ellie's phone rang the default ring. She still hadn't set up any ringtones. Staring at the number, she nearly let it go to voice mail. Then she picked it up and said h.e.l.lo.

Ryan's voice was low and so quiet she had to hold the phone close to her ear to hear him.

"I thought I saw you last night, though it's taken all day to believe it wasn't my imagination."

"Maybe it was your imagination," she said softly.

"It was you."

"You weren't looking so good."

He sighed, and Ellie realized how much she'd missed his voice. "And I'm paying for it today. I want to talk to you."

Ellie pulled the little purple dog from beneath her pillow. She'd thought of was.h.i.+ng it to remove the scent of smoke and fuel, but she wanted that smell to remain for now. "Go ahead and talk, then."

"I want to talk to you in person."

Ellie groaned. Why couldn't people just give her the s.p.a.ce to grow stronger again? Perhaps someday she'd be closer to the Ellie everyone knew and loved. But she was far from there.

"Ryan . . ." She didn't know how to finish or what to say.

"It'll take five minutes, that's all."

"I have someone coming over right now."

"Who? Will Stefanos?" he asked with hurt evident in his tone.

"Yeah."

"I can't come over, but weird Will can?"

"I fit with the weird kids now." She said it as lightly as possible, though the truth wasn't lost on either of them. Ellie could picture Ryan with his head resting in his hands, and then he'd push back his hair in frustration. She did miss him, all the things about him. But what was the point of continuing something that would only hurt someone, probably both of them?

"You were breaking up with me the night of the accident."

"We had a fight."

"No. And this is something I've figured out about you, Ellie."

"What is that?"

"You can be there for everyone. You can be the best friend, the confidant, the one people seek in an emergency. You keep secrets, and you'd give your last dime if someone was in need. But when you think you might need someone or you're getting too close, then you pull away. You're nice about it, but you run."

"Interesting theory. Thanks for telling me."

"You're proving my point."

"Maybe I just didn't see a future for us."

"I don't doubt that. You never opened yourself to the possibility."

"I'm sorry if all this has been so hard for you," she said sarcastically.

"You sound like Megan."

"Funny."

"I'm not joking."

It was unsettling to hear Ryan sound jaded.

"You can't hide away forever, running from everyone and everything."

You wanna bet? Ellie thought. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Get on Mys.p.a.ce, text your friends, come back to school."

"Okay," she said. But there was no way she would do all that. She'd checked her Mys.p.a.ce a few times. She'd seen the Web site about her. The old pictures of her and all her friends' notes brought tears to her eyes. It was still too soon.

If only she could disappear for a while. Maybe she could go stay with some far-off relative and not deal with the old world making her feel guilty. They wanted Ellie back, but she wasn't that Ellie now. And she'd never be. And was it right for her to just return as if nothing had happened, as if the scars covering her body weren't there? Stasia couldn't come back. Was she so quickly forgotten?

Neither she nor Ryan spoke for so long that Ellie wondered if he'd fallen asleep.

"When you want to talk, I'm here," he said.

"Thanks. But I doubt your girlfriend wants you talking to me very much."

"My girlfriend?"

"You're going to tell me you aren't going out with Tara?"

He sighed, sounding annoyed. "At least she wants me. Call if you need me. Bye, Els."

She set down the phone and hugged the little dog to her chest. She'd still never talked to Ryan about Purple. It seemed another thing better left unsaid.

Ellie and Will watched episode after episode of the first season of Heroes in her room. Ellie had never seen it before, with all of her nighttime school and church activities. Now she was quickly drawn in and hooked on the characters, who all displayed abilities that sometimes were more like disabilities.

"My friends are getting mad at me," Ellie said during a break as she carried an overflowing bowl of popcorn from the kitchen back upstairs.

"Nice friends." He carried the drinks.

"They think I'm ignoring them."

"Which you are."

"Yes, which I am."

"And they should understand. Or try to."

Will set the drinks down on the nightstand, then reached for a handful of popcorn and went back to close the door. Not only did her parents allow Will free access to her bedroom for huge segments of time without anyone checking on them, but he lay on the bed like it was his own recliner.

They hadn't talked about the kiss or kissed again. Sometimes Ellie wondered why he didn't try. Whenever she thought of initiating anything, she thought of how she looked and felt ridiculous. Maybe Will really only saw her as a friend.

"Ryan called me today," she said quickly as she took her spot on the bed, lying on her stomach with her head at the bottom.

Will tossed a popcorn kernel into the air and caught it with his mouth. "Glad he made it home alive last night."

Ellie didn't like how he'd said that, considering everything. "If you were really worried about him-"

"I wasn't worried about him."

Sometimes she wanted to see a streak of jealousy in Will. Some show of protectiveness, instead of writing off Ryan as if he was no compet.i.tion whatsoever.

But then, why would he be jealous over his maimed friend, or whatever it was they were to each other?

Ellie saw him looking at his phone a number of times as if expecting a call. "Got someplace to go?"

"Not yet," he said.

She sat up. "You're going out?"

"Yeah, I think. A friend is home from college for the weekend. She's going to UC-Santa Cruz, where I'm going next year."

"She?" Ellie couldn't believe this. She'd a.s.sumed he would stay late like he usually did and then go home, not out.