The Well Of Lost Plots Part 2

'I can recognise your voices. I have a sense of smell, too.'

'No kidding? Do you know anyone in publis.h.i.+ng?'

'None who would help. My husband is, or was, an author, but his contacts wouldn't know me from Eve at present. I'm a SpecOps officer; I don't have much to do with contemporary fiction.'

'SpecOps?' queried UPO #2. 'What's that?'

'We're going to be sc.r.a.pped, you know,' interrupted Briggs, 'unless we can get a publisher.'

'We could be broken down into letters,' added UPO #1 in a hushed tone, 'cast into the Text Sea; and I have a wife and two kids or at least, in my backstory I do.'

'I can't help you,' I told them, 'I'm not even-'

'Places, please!' yelled Briggs so suddenly I jumped.

The pathologist and the two unnamed officers hurried back to their places and awaited Jack, who I could hear talking to someone in the house.

'Good luck,' hissed Briggs from the side of his mouth as he motioned me to sit on a low wall. 'I'll prompt you if you dry.'

'Thanks.'

DCI Briggs was sitting on a low wall with a plainclothes policewoman who busied herself taking notes and did not look up. Briggs stood as Jack entered and looked at his watch in an unsubtle way. notes and did not look up. Briggs stood as Jack entered and looked at his watch in an unsubtle way.

Jack answered the unasked question in the defensive, which he soon realised was a mistake.

'I'm sorry, sir, I came here as quick as I could.'

Briggs grunted and waved a hand in the direction of the corpse.

'It looks like he died from gunshot wounds,' he said grimly, 'discovered dead at 8.47 this morning.'

'Anything else I need to know?' asked Spratt.

'A couple of points. First, the deceased is the nephew of crime boss Angel DeFablio, so I wanted someone good with the press in case the media decide to have a bonanza. Second, I'm giving you someone good with the press in case the media decide to have a bonanza. Second, I'm giving you this job as a favour. You're not exactly first seed with the seventh floor at the moment. There are this job as a favour. You're not exactly first seed with the seventh floor at the moment. There are some people who want to see you take a fall and I don't want that to happen.' some people who want to see you take a fall and I don't want that to happen.'

'Is there a third point?'

'No one else is available.'

'I preferred it when there were only two.'

'Listen, Jack,' went on Briggs, 'you're a good officer if a little sprung loaded at times and I want you on my team without any mishaps.' you on my team without any mishaps.'

'Is this where I say thank you?'

'You do. Mop it up nice and neat and give me an initial report as soon as you can. Okay?'

Briggs nodded in the direction of the young lady who had been waiting patiently.

'Jack, I want you to meet Thurs I mean, DS Mary Jones.'

'h.e.l.lo,' said Jack.

'Pleased to meet you, sir,' said the young woman.

'And you. Who are you working with?'

'Next I mean Jones Jones is your new Detective Sergeant,' said Briggs beginning to sweat for some is your new Detective Sergeant,' said Briggs beginning to sweat for some inexplicable reason. 'Transferred with an A1 record from Swindon.' inexplicable reason. 'Transferred with an A1 record from Swindon.'

'Basingstoke,' corrected Mary.

'Sorry. Basingstoke Basingstoke.'

'No offence to DS Jones, sir, but I was hoping for Butcher, Spooner or-'

'Not possible, Jack,' said Briggs in the tone of voice that made arguing useless. 'Well, I'm off. I'll leave you here with, er-' leave you here with, er-'

'Jones.'

'Yes, Jones, so you can get acquainted. Remember: I need that report as soon as possible. Got it?'

Jack did indeed get it and Briggs departed.

He s.h.i.+vered in the cold and looked at the young DS again.

'Mary Jones, eh?'

'Yes, sir.'

'What have you found out so far?'

She dug in her pocket for a notebook, couldn't find it so counted the points off on her fingers instead. instead.

'Deceased's name is Sonny DeFablio.'

There was a pause. Jack didn't say anything so Jones, now slightly startled, continued as though he had. had.

'Time of death? Too early to tell. Probably 3 a.m. last night, give or take an hour. We'll know more when we get the corpse. Gun? We'll know when...' when we get the corpse. Gun? We'll know when...'

'... Jack, are you okay?'

He had sat down wearily and was staring at the ground, head in hands.

I looked around but Dr Singh, her a.s.sistants and the unnamed officers were busily getting on with their parts, unwilling, it seemed, to get embroiled or perhaps they were just embarra.s.sed.

'I can't do this any more,' muttered Jack.

'Sir,' I persisted, trying to ad-lib, 'do you want to see the body or can we remove it?'

'What's the use?' sobbed the crushed protagonist. 'No one is reading us; it doesn't matter.'

I placed my hand on his shoulder.

'I've tried tried to make it more interesting,' he sobbed, 'but nothing seems to work. My wife won't speak to me, my job's on the line, drugs are flooding into Reading, and if I don't make the narrative even remotely readable then we all get demolished and there's nothing left at all except an empty hole on the bookshelf and the memory of a might-have-been in the head of the author.' to make it more interesting,' he sobbed, 'but nothing seems to work. My wife won't speak to me, my job's on the line, drugs are flooding into Reading, and if I don't make the narrative even remotely readable then we all get demolished and there's nothing left at all except an empty hole on the bookshelf and the memory of a might-have-been in the head of the author.'

'Your wife only left you because all all loner maverick detectives have domestic problems,' I explained. 'I'm sure she loves you really.' loner maverick detectives have domestic problems,' I explained. 'I'm sure she loves you really.'

'No, no, she doesn't,' he sobbed again. 'All is lost. Don't you see? It's customary for detectives to drive unusual cars and I had a wonderful 1924 Delage-Talbot Supersport. The idea was stolen and replaced with that dreadful Austin Allegro. If any scenes scenes get deleted, we'll really be stuffed.' get deleted, we'll really be stuffed.'

He looked up at me.

'What's your name?'

'Thursday Next.'

He perked up suddenly.

'Thursday Next? The Outlander Jurisfiction agent apprenticed to Miss Havisham Thursday Next?'

I nodded. News travels fast in the Well.

An excited gleam came into his eye.

'I read about you in The Word The Word. Tell me, would you have any way of finding out when the Book Inspectorate are due to read our story? I've lined up seven three-dimensional B-2 freelancers to come in and give the book a bit of an edge just for an hour or so. With their help we might be able to hang on to it; all I need to know is the when when.'

'I'm sorry, Mr Spratt.' I sighed. 'I'm new to all this; what exactly is the Council of Genres?'

'They look after fictional legislature,' he replied. 'Dramatic conventions, mainly. A representative from every genre sits on the council it is they they who decide the conventions of storytelling and it is who decide the conventions of storytelling and it is they they through the Book Inspectorate who decide whether an unpublished book is to be kept or demolished.'

'Oh,' I replied, realising that the BookWorld was governed by almost as many rules and regulations as my own, 'then I can't help you.'

'What about Text Grand Central? Do you know anyone there?'

TGC I had had heard of: they monitored the books in the Great Library and pa.s.sed any textual problems on to us at Jurisfiction, who were purely a policing agency but I knew no more than that. I shook my head Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 03 - The Well of Lost Plots heard of: they monitored the books in the Great Library and pa.s.sed any textual problems on to us at Jurisfiction, who were purely a policing agency but I knew no more than that. I shook my head again.

'Blast!' he muttered, staring at the ground. 'I've applied to the C of G for a cross-genre makeover but you might as well try and speak to the Great Panjandrum himself.'

'Why don't you change the book from within within?' I asked.

'Change without permission?' he replied, shocked at my suggestion. 'That would mean rebellion. I want to get the C of G's attention but not like that we'd be crushed in less than a chapter!'

'But if the inspectorate haven't been round yet,' I said slowly, 'then how would they even know anything had changed?'

He thought about this for a moment.

'Easier said than done if I start to fool with the narrative it might all collapse like a pack of cards!'

'Then start small,' I proposed, 'change yourself yourself first. If that works, you can try to bend the plot slightly.' first. If that works, you can try to bend the plot slightly.'

'Y-esss,' said Jack slowly. 'What did you have in mind?'

'Give up the booze.'

'How did you know about my drink problem?'

'All maverick loner detectives with domestic strife have drink problems,' I commented. 'Give up the liquor and go home to your wife.'

'That's not how I've been written,' replied Jack slowly. 'I just can't do it it would be going against type the readers-!'

'Jack, there are no readers. And if you don't at least try what I suggest, there never never will be any readers or any Jack Spratt. But if things go well, you might even be in ... a sequel.' will be any readers or any Jack Spratt. But if things go well, you might even be in ... a sequel.'

'A sequel?' repeated Jack with a sort of dreamy look in his eyes. 'You mean a Jack Spratt series series?

'Who knows,' I added, 'maybe even one day a boxed set.'

His eyes gleamed and he stood up.

'A boxed set,' he whispered, staring into the middle distance. 'It's up to me, isn't it?' he added in a slow voice.

'Yes. Change yourself, change the book and soon, before it's too late, make the novel into something the Book Inspectorate will want want to read.' to read.'

'Okay,' he said at last, 'beginning with the next chapter. Instead of arguing with Briggs about letting a suspect go without charging them, I'll take my ex-wife out to lunch.'

'No.'

'No?'

'No,' I affirmed. 'Not tomorrow or next chapter or even next page or paragraph you're going to change now now.'

'We can't!' he protested. 'There are at least nine more pages while you and I discuss the state of the body with Dr Singh and go through all that boring forensic stuff.'

'Leave it to me,' I told him. 'We'll jump back a paragraph or two. Ready?'

He nodded and we moved to the top of the previous page, just as Briggs was leaving.

Jack did indeed get it and Briggs departed.

He s.h.i.+vered in the cold and looked at the young DS again. 'Mary Jones, eh?'

'Yes, sir.'

'What have you found out so far?'

She dug in her pocket for a notebook, couldn't find it so counted the points off on her fingers instead. instead.

'Deceased's name is Sonny DeFablio.'

'What else?'