Doctor Who_ The Tomorrow Windows Part 20

'Shardybarn. Venfou. Vij. Flamvolt. Iwa. Ellteeda. Quarxis. Centros.

Ulcorn, Unlyo, Varb, Puxatornee, Vona, Kambalana Minor, Monbel, Terangh, Tigus, Minuea, Gallifr'

'All of which were, until recently, listed by Galactic Heritage?'

'Many still are, Doctor.'

'For how much longer, I wonder? How much longer before they go the way of Valuensis. . . there suddenly seem to be an awful lot of armageddons.' He stopped to consider. 'Armageddi? I really should know the plural.'

'Coincidence.'

'If you say so, Dittero. But coincidences, in my experience, rarely happen by coincidence. There's usually someone behind the scenes, pulling the strings.

You just have to watch the scenery. . . and eventually it will give way.'

'You have a suspicious nature.'

'It's a suspicious universe. All these worlds happen to be located in highly desirable parts of the galaxy. Your employer is rather fortunate in his investments, isn't he?'

'You might say that.'

'I would, Dittero Shandy. He's going to make a killing.'

109.

Question Intonation's Story Himbert J. Himbert recently propounded an interesting theory regarding the race known as 'question intonation'. He proposed the idea that these creatures, which known as 'question intonation'. He proposed the idea that these creatures, which consist of two floating b.a.l.l.s, had evolved from a single organism which, at some consist of two floating b.a.l.l.s, had evolved from a single organism which, at some point in its development, had bifurcated. point in its development, had bifurcated.

My learned colleague is, with the greatest respect, a nincomp.o.o.p. In this paper I intend to put forward my own alternative explanation for the nature of the I intend to put forward my own alternative explanation for the nature of the 'QI' race. An explanation which, I believe, will withstand the rigour of scientific scrutiny. Unlike those of Himbert J. Himbert. scrutiny. Unlike those of Himbert J. Himbert.

Firstly, the creatures' physiology They consist of two sacs, each approximately thirty centimetres in diameter, covered in a coa.r.s.e, matted fibre. The two spheres thirty centimetres in diameter, covered in a coa.r.s.e, matted fibre. The two spheres are not connected, yet remain in close proximity never parting by more than are not connected, yet remain in close proximity never parting by more than two metres. two metres.

The spheres display a form of sympathetic motion. When the creature is at rest, both sacs hover. However, when agitated, the sacs will oscillate while exhibiting both sacs hover. However, when agitated, the sacs will oscillate while exhibiting a greater degree of revolution. a greater degree of revolution.

The explanation for their weightlessness is simple enough. Each sac contains the gas hydrogen in approximately the same proportion that carbon-based life the gas hydrogen in approximately the same proportion that carbon-based life forms contain liquid water. Thus, in standard atmospheric density they float. forms contain liquid water. Thus, in standard atmospheric density they float.

They appear to regulate their alt.i.tude by a process of spontaneous hydrogen absorption and release. absorption and release.

Upon dissection, one discovers that each sac contains a web of membranes, a.n.a.logous to the Terran brain. What is unusual, however, is that the brain a.n.a.logous to the Terran brain. What is unusual, however, is that the brain within each sac fulfils a different function. One sac will control motor functions within each sac fulfils a different function. One sac will control motor functions and dictate the creature's emotional responses, the other contains the creature's and dictate the creature's emotional responses, the other contains the creature's reason. This can be demonstrated by the process of destroying one of the sacs and reason. This can be demonstrated by the process of destroying one of the sacs and observing the behaviour of the remainder. observing the behaviour of the remainder.

The fact that the two sacs are mutually dependent does raise the question of how they communicate. It is my belief they do so through electromagnetic pulses. how they communicate. It is my belief they do so through electromagnetic pulses.

Certainly they become disorientated when a lead sheet is placed between them, and they play merry havoc with video recorders. and they play merry havoc with video recorders.

My colleague Himbert J. Himbert proposes that these creatures originally consisted of a single ent.i.ty which, at some point in its history, diverged into two.

After all, the allocation of functions between the two sacs is a.n.a.logous to the left and right lobes of our own brains. and right lobes of our own brains.

110.

However, it is my theory that the creatures are an example of gender reunification. We are all aware of the process whereby a single-cell organism will split into two s.e.xes, each acting as a function of the other. into two s.e.xes, each acting as a function of the other.

As there can be a divergence, so there can be a convergence. When male and female creatures unite they often develop a form of gestalt or 'common mind'. female creatures unite they often develop a form of gestalt or 'common mind'.

They no longer act for the purpose of the individual. Indeed, superficially, they resemble a single being. They enjoy the same things, pay their bills together and resemble a single being. They enjoy the same things, pay their bills together and finish each others' sentences. finish each others' sentences.

The 'question intonation' creatures, I would suggest, were at one point divided into two genders, each resembling a floating, furry ball each equipped with into two genders, each resembling a floating, furry ball each equipped with an entirely self-sufficient brain. However, their increased dependency upon their an entirely self-sufficient brain. However, their increased dependency upon their partners meant that in areas where one gender was superior, the other gender's partners meant that in areas where one gender was superior, the other gender's abilities would waste away. abilities would waste away.

Of course, this does raise the question of how the creatures reproduce. I believe that an exchange of partners occurs at the creatures' famously well-attended dis-cotheques. However, as they operate an extremely strict door policy, I have been that an exchange of partners occurs at the creatures' famously well-attended dis-cotheques. However, as they operate an extremely strict door policy, I have been unable to make any observations in the field. unable to make any observations in the field.

One final issue remains, however. Why have the creatures chosen to name themselves after a mode of speech? It has, after all, created much difficulty and themselves after a mode of speech? It has, after all, created much difficulty and confusion. confusion.

It is my firmly held belief that they do it to be annoying.

The Doctor appeared in the doorway, a cup of tea in hand, and spotted Fitz and Charlton. He joined them at the table, sinking elegantly into his chair.

'If we are ready ' said Dittero. 'The bidding for Valuensis stood at twenty-one million. . . '

At the end of the table, the Fabulous Micron's two guards kept watch over Micron's cus.h.i.+on. To their left was Vors.h.a.gg, scratching his tail and snorting with irritation. To their right was Poozle, levitating and glowing bright green.

And above them were the two b.a.l.l.s of Question Intonation.

There was no sign of Nimbit. Dittero gave a displeased frown. 'It seems we are sans sans a delegate.' a delegate.'

Fitz s.h.i.+vered. The hairs on his wrists p.r.i.c.kled. Looking out of the narrow windows, he saw the gardens sinking into gloom. Thunderclouds unfurled themselves across the sky.

One of Micron's delegates raised a finger. 'The Fabulous Micron requests that the auction recommence at once.'

'Of course, naturally. Naturalismo Naturalismo,' said Dittero, rotating his clipboard nervously in his hands. 'If there are no objections '

The Doctor clinked his teacup into his saucer.

'Doctor?'

111.

'It seems to me,' the Doctor said, 'that it would be impolite to continue without our friend Nimbit. He is is the current highest bidder, after all. And you do want Valuensis to fetch the highest possible price, don't you?' the current highest bidder, after all. And you do want Valuensis to fetch the highest possible price, don't you?'

An uncomfortable smile wormed its way across Dittero's lips. 'You make a good point, Doctor. However, we do have a considerable number of properties to get through, time is pressing, and so '

The Doctor talked to the floor. 'Zwee?'

Fitz peered down. A Zwee trundled over to the Doctor's chair. 'May I be of service, sir?'

'The delegate Nimbit,' said the Doctor. 'Location?'

'The delegate Nimbit, sir, is in his suite.'

'Have you told him we're about to kick off?'

'It troubles me to inform you that the delegate Nimbit is proving most un-responsive.'

'Unresponsive?' The Doctor drained the last of his tea, napkinned his lips and rose to his feet. 'I think that foul play may be afoot.'

I'm drowning. I double up, my hands on my knees, heaving. With an agonising choke the remains of the oxygenated water finds it way out of my windpipe. I spit it out and gasp in a lungful of air.

It stinks. The air tastes of stale sweat. But at least it's air.

I'm ringing wet, my hair plastered against my scalp, my skin goosepimpling.

My feet are sinking into something soft and squelchy. A tepid breeze makes me s.h.i.+ver.

Welwyn closes the tele-door behind us. 'Sorry,' he says. 'Takes a bit of getting used to.'

'You're mad,' I sputter. 'You're b.l.o.o.d.y mad. Where are we?'

'Another of my worlds.' He sighs. 'Unusual commission, this one.'

'Unusual?' We're in a dark, swampy forest. The ground is lost beneath a soup of mist. Moss-covered boulders poke out of the murk. The trees are covered in scales that glisten with trickling sap. Muslin webs drape themselves from the branches and s.h.i.+ver like ghosts. 'What is this place?'

Before he can answer, the ground shudders, knocking me to my knees. My palms land flat on the quivering, furry ground. It's warm and sticky.

'It's a gaia sphere.' Welwyn wanders about, admiring his own handiwork.

In the distance, bats skitter.

I pull my hands away from the ground. They're caked in spongy brown fungus. I peel it away from my fingers. 'A what?'

'It's alive,' says Welwyn. 'This whole world is one. . . organism.'

Now I've got the fungus on my knees. 'What's that smell?'

'Yes.' Welwyn winces. 'Something I hadn't accounted for.'

112.

'Hadn't accounted for what?'

'p.u.b.erty.'

'p.u.b.erty?'

'It had a lovely complexion, before.' Welwyn grips a branch and swings his way over to me. 'And now it's '

'A nauseating adolescent?'

'Unexpected things are beginning to grow,' Welwyn drags his foot out of a sticky pool. 'It's all a bit disgusting.'

'And this brown stuff?'

'It's also developed an infection. Poor hygiene.'

My eyes are watering with the stench of month-old milk. As I look around, I realise this place is rotting before my eyes. The scales of the trees are peeling away like wallpaper. I say, 'Don't tell me another thing you have to sort out?'

Welwyn nods.

'Do all of your planets have these problems?'

'No,' says Welwyn. 'That's merely a rumour.'

'And you said Mother Nature was the cack-handed amateur?'

His face crumples. 'It's not my fault, Trix. I'm only the designer. Nothing was ever proved.'

'What was never proved?'

His puppy-dog eyes beg forgiveness. I could almost feel sorry for him. 'One of my clients specified six moons. One for each of his wives. Unfortunately they kept on banging into each other.'

'The wives?'

'The moons.'

'And he sued you?'

'I settled out of court. He had proof of negligence.'

'And this was a one-off?'

'Then there was the planet where the atmosphere. . . fell off. And the one that accidentally went into an ice age.' He swallows. 'But I've never been found guilty.'

'Why not?'

'I settle out of court,' he sighs. 'That's why I'm taking all these jobs on for Dittero. If it wasn't for him. . . You don't understand. I'm a celebrity celebrity, you know. I get letters letters. I have a reputation to maintain!'

I pat his shoulders. 'Geniuses are always tortured.'

'You really think so?'

'And sometimes they deserve to be. No, that last world we went to wasn't bad. I mean, apart from it giving you cancer and all the dead fish, it was very pretty.'

'Yes, it was, wasn't it?'

113.

'Come on,' I smile at him. 'Let's get back to Utopia and dry off.'

Welwyn holds out the door handle and pulls. A door opens in thin air and I bundle myself, s.h.i.+vering, through it.

Aaargh.