Still Thinking Of You Part 30

'I love that,' Tash said.

'What?'

'The way you ma.s.sage my head.'

'I wasn't aware that I was ma.s.saging your head.'

'No, I know. You just touch me in the way I want to be touched. You just seem to know.' She paused, and then they both spoke at once.

'Rich, I wanted to say'

'Tash, there's something I need to talk to you about.'

'You first,' they chorused.

Tash took the initiative. 'I just wanted to say I am so sorry for giving you such a hard time about Mia. I got it all muddled. For a while there, I thought... Oh, well, it hardly matters what I thought, but I was wrong not to trust you and to trust your judgement.'

Saying sorry was easy for Tash. She didn't really understand why people did make such hard work of it. Saying 'I love you' was easy, as was asking for a pay rise, explaining to a shop a.s.sistant exactly why you were returning faulty goods and talking her way out of a parking fine. Tash could always find the right words. Communication was her forte.

'You were right about Kate's qualities, and that suggests that you probably know what you are talking about with Mia, too.'

Oh, G.o.d, she hoped so. It would be perfect if they could all just get along. If they could love Rich, like each other, have a laugh. Life would be cool.

'I'm going to be different from now on in. I'm going to try to see things more from her point of view.' Tash just wanted everything to be OK again, like it was when they were back home, curled up under the duvet or riding their bikes through Richmond Park or watching movies. They did so many nice things together. And it could be all OK again, she knew it could be. 'And the other thing I wanted to say is that I am so sorry we rowed last night.' Oh, G.o.d, she was, she was.

And he was, so, so sorry. Because look where the row had led. Rich also wanted everything to be OK again, but, with the benefit of an intimate acquaintance with all the facts about their situation, he wasn't as hopeful. How could it all be OK again?

'This awful business with Ted and Kate puts things back in proportion. I love you. You love me. That's all that matters. Agreed?'

'Agreed,' smiled Rich. 'I do love you, Tash.' Rich leant in and kissed her.

He held her tightly and kissed her hard. All ideas of confessing or explaining dripped away. She was right. All that mattered was that they loved one another. They could go back to being chilled and thrilled with one another the moment they were out of here, as soon as everything was back to normal. Jayne was not important. Only Jayne thought she was. They sat hunched under the bar and kissed until their jeans felt uncomfortably tight at the back of their knees, until the bartender coughed and until Jayne was well out of sight.

'What were you going to say?' asked Tash, standing up and flexing her legs. 'Before I made my big speech.'

'Nothing, er, well, the same as you. I was going to say that I love you and you love me, and that's all that matters.'

Rich paid the bill, but avoided the bartender's gaze. He no more wanted to face the bartender's knowing smirks than his own conscience.

59. Jase and Mia Have Dinner.

'You all alone, Checkers? Where is everyone?' Mia asked Lloyd.

It was 8.30 p.m. Mia and Jason had spent the best day in the snow yet. They had skied until 5 p.m. when the lifts closed and then they had, through a silent tactical agreement, headed straight to a bar for a little apres-ski action. It didn't occur to either of them to go and get changed into dry clothes or to invite anyone else along. They were having such a marvellous time that they just wanted it to go on and on. Mia ordered a G & T.

'What about your detox?' Scaley Jase asked.

'What?' Mia had momentarily forgotten the excuse she'd made up to explain her abstinence. 'Oh, yes,' she said, suddenly remembering. 'I'm giving up on that.'

And she was. Sod it. The fresh air had cleared her head. She could see her plan for what it was improbable at best, farcical at worst.

It was very unlikely that Mia would ever get Scaley into bed. In fact it was inconceivable, thought Mia, laughing at her own pun. In the queue of 'women-likely-to-get-into-bed-with-Jason-Clarke', she stood behind every other woman in the resort. Every other woman seemed to be able to attract and secure Scaley's attention with ease. He simply didn't see Mia in that way. She'd done her best to be witty, attractive and available for the entire week, and yet Scaley insisted on sleeping with girls who were not as witty and not as attractive (although she admitted Kiki probably had her beaten on the available stakes). Last night had been soul-destroying. She'd played all her best cards. While they had had a fabulous day together, joking, playing, chatting and skiing, it was clear that he saw her as a cross between his primary school teacher and his big sister. It was undignified. Mia had had enough.

Besides, even if she were to get him into bed, she'd calculated that her chances of conceiving were pretty slim. She was kidding herself that one attempt would be enough. She was thirty-four, for G.o.d's sake. She knew the scary statistics about fertility nosediving with every candle she blew out. Mother Nature was a tyrant. It seemed to Mia that she'd spent all her twenties avoiding getting pregnant and in those days it had seemed a genuine possibility at every turn and now the opposite was true.

But, then, maybe it wasn't Mother Nature who had flawed planning.

Anyway, Mia reasoned, even if the first miracle did occur and Scaley somehow suddenly saw her as a bedmate, instead of a big mate, for approximately twenty minutes (that would do, wouldn't it?), and if, by some fluke, the second miracle occurred and somehow she got lucky after just one attempt, she figured she'd have a pretty determined fetus on her hands. Not the type of fetus to be in the least bit concerned about a couple of gla.s.ses of G & T.

'Make mine a double, Scaley.'

They'd had a great day. They had swooped and swerved down mountains and through trees. They had glided and fallen with good humour and no style. They had chatted about, well, something, although neither could remember exactly what now. Both recalled that there hadn't been a single uncomfortable silence. They had felt a little naughty, absconding from the group and breaking away on their own, but they had both enjoyed breaking the rules just a little bit.

They'd spent the day unthinkingly re-creating the intimacy and exclusivity that had always been so abundant in the past. They'd had fun. And neither of them had wanted the fun to stop. It was only the fact that they both felt duty-bound to join the gang for dinner that brought them back to the hotel. They comforted themselves with the thought that the food was excellent. When they arrived back at des Dromonts, Lloyd was sitting alone in the bar, nursing a whisky.

'So, what's with the ghost town?' asked Jason.

'Dunno where Jayne is,' Lloyd slurred, betraying that this wasn't his first whisky of the evening. 'I haven't seen her all day. Tash and Rich went boarding together. Decided to go to Switzerland and had this madcap idea to stay in another hotel tonight. No idea why. This one is fantastic, and they'll still have to pay for it.' Mia and Jason exchanged looks.

'Maybe they just wanted some time alone,' said Jason.

'More likely that Rich is avoiding a certain someone,' said Mia sotto voce. Jason nudged her, indicating it was wisest that she kept her thoughts to herself. He turned his attention back to Lloyd.

'I feel lousy, mate, really sorry. You should have come out with us, rather than stay here on your own all day,' said Jase as he threw himself on to the comfy, cus.h.i.+oned seat next to Lloyd. He said this with the full knowledge that his generous invitation was impossible to exploit after the event.

'No matter, old man, gave me time to think.' Lloyd forcefully prodded his skull with his forefinger.

'Oh, yeah, about what?'

Lloyd put his finger to his lips. 'It's a secret, at the moment. But I'll let you in on it as soon as I can.'

'Goodo,' smiled Jase with total indifference. 'Want another drink?'

He never had any curiosity to hear anything someone didn't want to tell him. Mia was the opposite and considered pus.h.i.+ng Lloyd for more info. On the other hand, she really wanted to change out of her snow gear and put on something suitable for dinner. She excused herself and left Scaley and Lloyd to their drinks.

Mia bounced up the stairs to her room, well, metaphorically at least. Other than on the slopes, it was very difficult to move with real animation in ski boots. She dashed into her room and checked her reflection.

Yes! She'd thought so. She looked amazing. Obviously the fresh air agreed with her. It was only yesterday that she'd read in one of Tash's magazines that the air in the mountains was excellent for the skin, something to do with oxygen levels. She didn't like admitting that she'd read one of those terrible mags, let alone that she'd found an interesting article. It was just that she'd been hanging around the foyer waiting for the others and she'd seen it poking out from behind a cus.h.i.+on, carelessly abandoned she imagined, and, well, she'd just picked it up through idle curiosity. But then she'd found she couldn't put it down. She had to confess that the next half an hour had flown by and the articles weren't as imbecilic as she'd imagined. Two or three had actually been quite interesting and fairly well written. For example, the article about natural ways to make your skin glow had recommended a number of expensive creams, mountain air or falling in love as the best boosters. She hadn't had the opportunity to buy the creams yet, so it had to be the mountain air.

Mia quickly jumped in the shower and, although she was in a hurry, she hunted for her DKNY body wash. It smelt fantastic, and she always used it on special occasions. Not that having dinner with the gang was particularly unique, but today did feel like a distinctive and exciting occurrence. She dressed at great speed, not sure, or at least not prepared to recognize, what or whom she was hurrying for.

Scaley Jase.

His name popped into her head as she lathered her body with silky bubbles. Then again as she pulled up her cotton briefs, and again as she snapped on her bra. They'd had a fantastic day. Such fun from start to Mia didn't want it to finish.

That had to be the G & T, didn't it? They'd gone straight to her head. She'd been off alcohol for a couple of weeks and suddenly she was Lady Lightweight. Well, Jase would be pleased, she was a cheap date. Not that she was his date. It was just a saying. If they did spend the evening together, as friends, he'd be pleased to see her so relaxed on a couple of G & Ts. Maybe she shouldn't have had doubles, but she did feel deliciously light-headed.

Wasn't it just the way? Her whole purpose for being on this trip was to conceive a child with Scaley, but from the moment they'd met in Heathrow her plan had seemed doomed. Typical, then, that now she had accepted that it wasn't going to happen, all the problems that had stood in the way had suddenly disintegrated.

When Mia had been actively trying to seduce Scaley, she had struggled to secure time together alone. If they ever did have any time together alone, she was always struggling for conversation that was even remotely interesting, let alone sultry or flirty. But now she had acknowledged that the idea was more of a pipe dream than plan, she had suddenly become funny, dirty, happy and suggestive by turn. All week she had constantly a.n.a.lysed Scaley's every move against criteria that she had drawn up to a.s.sess the suitability of his sperm and genes. Invariably he'd failed to meet her exacting standards. She hadn't liked the fact that he drank so much (that would damage his fertility and virility). She hadn't liked his legs, as she suddenly noticed that they were a little short in comparison to the rest of his body (would the baby inherit that?). She hadn't liked the company he kept the girls were silly and cheap (she wasn't sure why she objected to the company, but she did).

However, now that Mia had established that Scaley's service as unwitting sperm donor was no longer required, she suddenly saw things in a new light. Scaley wasn't really drinking that much at all. He'd only had one beer today, and his legs weren't especially short. In fact, he had a great swagger which some women might even find attractive. She still objected to the company he kept, although he hadn't been quite so obvious when leering at other women today. She'd only caught him checking out T & A on two occasions.

Mia rushed around her room. She didn't bother to consider which top would make her look most appealing, it no longer mattered, and her main concern was to return to Scaley as quickly as possible. Mia was slightly afraid that the magic spell which had made the day so relaxed and right might be broken if she stayed away too long. That could happen. In the past, Mia had been on dates which were going swimmingly when suddenly a dynamic was changed and the whole thing fell apart. It could even be a small dynamic such as moving venue or even table. Something intangible but important, and Mia didn't want that to happen tonight.

Not that Mia was on a date.

She was just saying it felt a bit date-like.

Mia realized that she was holding her breath.

When she returned to the foyer, Lloyd had disappeared. Apparently he'd palled up with a group of Belgian tourists at lunch time and had arranged to meet them in the pool hall to shoot some b.a.l.l.s.

'He's made friends?' Mia asked, without bothering to hide her surprise.

'He's a good and interesting bloke. You've just forgotten,' laughed Jason. 'So, it's just you and me for dinner tonight. Any objection?'

For once Mia couldn't find one.

The restaurant was busy, but not crowded. The entire clientele were guests at the hotel, so the atmosphere was friendly, almost intimate. When Mia and Jason walked in all the other guests looked up from their plates and nodded or called out greetings.

'You look lovely, tonight, my dear,' said one elderly lady, who had on a regular basis chatted to the group about the day's snow and the seasoning on the salad and such. She dined with her husband, but he never said a word.

'Thank you,' beamed Mia, a little taken aback by receiving a compliment from a stranger.

'You do,' said Jason, which caused Mia to turn scarlet. Oddly, receiving a compliment from Scaley was worse. How come he told her she looked good tonight? Tonight when she wasn't trying, hadn't agonized over her outfit, hadn't poured herself into scaffolding underwear. Tonight when it no longer mattered what he thought of her. Typical!

'You make a very handsome couple,' smiled the old dear.

'Oh, we're not a couple,' objected Mia, which seemed to cause the whole restaurant to t.i.tter.

'Why are they laughing?' asked Mia with a hiss, as she sat down to face Jason. He was grinning, too.

'I think it was the tone of your denial that amused them. I have to say I haven't heard you utter anything with such pa.s.sionate conviction for years.'

'Ha, ha,' sniped Mia. 'I just didn't want to give anyone the wrong idea.' Jason chuckled, and accepted the menu from the waiter.

Mia relaxed, happy to find that she wasn't offended, or embarra.s.sed, or irritated, or anything bad. The magic hadn't gone just because she'd had a shower and changed clothes. Mia sighed contentedly, selected a bottle of wine, then sat back in her chair, ready to enjoy a pleasant evening with her old friend.

They peppered the starter with conversation about work. Mia realized that, while she was always first to brag about how Scaley was 'ma.s.sive in advertising', she had no clue what he did on a day-to-day basis. Jason was flattered that Mia had asked and surprised that she genuinely listened to his answer, although if she was impressed she didn't say so. Being impressed wasn't her thing. Mia talked about her work, too.

'So what's next for you, Mia?'

'Well, the next step on the ladder to secure promotion would be for me to do another stint abroad. But I'm not sure I want to.'

'Why not? I thought you'd enjoyed your time in Belgium.'

'I did.'

'And Hong Kong.'

'Yes, it was fascinating.'

'And you loved Peru.'

Mia nodded. She'd spent seven years out of the past twelve abroad. She'd seen the world and been impressed and impressive while doing so.

'I'm so glad I had those opportunities and experiences, but I'm not sure I'm prepared to leave everything and everyone again.'

The truth was she couldn't see how being a single mum would fit in with being a diplomat.

Jason sighed. He wasn't exactly sure why he was relieved to hear Mia would be hanging up her travelling boots, but he was. Despite e-mail and the ease of travel, he'd missed having her close by.

Jason coughed to clear his throat, poured another gla.s.s of wine for them both and then said, 'I meant to ask earlier, is the holiday meeting your expectations?'

Mia nearly choked on the Merlot.

Had she just heard that question correctly? Was Scaley Jase asking her something personal? Something serious?

Probably not. Probably just making small talk.

Should she tell him? Could she tell him that the sole reason she was on this holiday was to make honourable his wayward sperm and that by definition, as she hadn't done so, the holiday had not met her expectations? Mia giggled to herself; the whole idea was preposterous. Scaley, a father? Even in the most nominal, biological sense, no way. Her wine gla.s.s was empty again; she refilled it and took another glug. The entire thing was nonsense born out of desperation.

'What's the joke?' asked Jason.

'Oh, Scaley, if you knew what my expectations were for this holiday, you'd be laughing, too.'

Jason grinned, wanting to be affable, keen to be in on the joke. 'Well, tell me, then.'

'I came here to seduce you,' laughed Mia.

Jesus, how much had she had to drink? Jason stared, too stunned to respond. Mia barely noticed as she sped on, her words tumbling out on to the table cloth between them.

'Are you surprised? Honestly, I thought it would be a doddle. You being such a tart and me being, well, not unattractive. But I might as well have been invisible. Admittedly, I hadn't factored in Jayne's presence, and you always were a sucker for fresh blood.' Mia smiled to indicate that there were no hard feelings. 'So, I guess you could conclude that the holiday has failed to live up to my expectations as we haven't got grubby together.'

Mia was choosing to be flip and funny. She was scared that if she hesitated, even for a second, her giggle would become less amused and more of a morbid cackle. Oh, G.o.d, she wanted a baby. She longed for a baby.

Not a woman who was normally keen on swapping confidences, Mia felt an overwhelming urge to disclose how much she wanted a child. She wondered if she should tell Scaley about her plan, now that he wasn't part of it. It would be a relief to talk about her secret longings. It was odd that none of her close friends had any idea what she wanted most in life was a new life. It had been impossible to tell Jase about the plan to have a child on her own when it was his child she wanted to bring up on her own, but now there was nothing standing in her way. She felt a tremendous compulsion to explain how desolate she felt, how purposeless. She was sure that a child would eradicate all feelings of loneliness. He or she would imbue her life with an indisputable sense of meaning. Would Scaley understand her longing? Maybe if she told him it was like longing for a Lamborghini Murcielago. The a.n.a.logy seemed inadequate. Scaley was her best friend, but would he understand how wretched she felt? Could he comprehend just how reckless she had been tempted to be? Mia needed his empathy and compa.s.sion. If he laughed at her crazy plan to conceive a child with him, she would be crushed.

Best to keep quiet. Best to allow him to believe he was simply irresistible. Mia tried to stay upbeat.

'But you know what, Scaley? I don't really mind that we haven't got it on. It's probably a good thing. How could I have gone to bed with you? I have big b.o.o.bs and big thighs, and you've been living in silicon city for over a decade.'

'But you were my first love,' stuttered Jason, finally finding words.