If I Break: Beautifully Broken Part 17

"Mad? I'm f.u.c.king furious! I can't stop taking it. What the h.e.l.l am I going to do? You told me you were sure before I did this. This changes everything!"

f.u.c.k me. f.u.c.k me. f.u.c.k me!

"I'm not going to stop!"

"Cal this is Helen. Listen to me, everything is going to be okay. I promise you, we'll make this work," she says, trying to calm me down. I'm so mad there are tears in my eyes.

"I-am-not-going-to-stop!"

"If you don't you're dead Cal. You understand, this could kill you," Dexter says as if he's talking to a f.u.c.king kid.

"I might as well be Dex! How the f.u.c.k am I supposed to explain this?"

"Lauren loves you. She will understand. We just tell her the truth," Helen says. The truth. Yeah the truth, after we're already married. Tell her she's trapped in a marriage with two different people? I won't do that to her. I can't. There has to be another way.

"I won't. I can't take her through that s.h.i.+t,"

"Let me see what I can do Cal. Let me figure things out," Helen interjects.

"Well, figure it out fast," I say and hang up the phone. My throat is burning, there's a stinging in my chest. I want the feeling gone now, fast. I throw my phone down and next thing I know I've punched through the f.u.c.king wall. It hurts but it distracts me from what's wrong. What is about to go terribly wrong.

s.h.i.+t, I'm bleeding. I barge through my door and I see her there. Her eyes wide, completely still. I'm going to lose her. This is going to be the end of us.

"Cal, what's wrong? You look upset," her voice is wavering and she's squeezing her wrist. She only does that when something's wrong "Um." What do I tell her? I have to tell her something. I run my hands over my face.

She rushes up the stairs to me and takes my wrist in her hand looking at my swollen knuckles.

"Cal, what did you do?!" she asks frantically, leading me to the guest bathroom and starts running water over it.

"Don't be mad, but I punched a hole in our wall," I say trying to downplay that I just busted one of our f.u.c.king walls like a psycho.

Her head snaps up towards me.

"Why did you do that?!" she asks, grabbing our first-aid kit and pulling out the antibiotic wipes.

"Dex really p.i.s.sed me off," I say, sitting on the edge of the bathtub while she cleans my hand.

She nods as if she understands.

"I kind of heard you talking to him," she admits looking up at me guiltily. What the h.e.l.l did she hear? I can't even say anything.

"Did it have something to do with me?" she asks, sitting on my lap. I wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder, and she starts to rub my hair. I don't deserve her. That's why I'm going to lose her. Fate was drunk off its a.s.s when it let me have her and now it realized it f.u.c.ked up.

"I'm-I'm going to be gone a little more than I thought I was," I can't even look at her as I say it. She lets out a breath she was holding in. She's relieved. If only she knew. She smiles widely at me and I wish I could feel the relief she's feeling right now but all I feel is suffocated, like walls are closing in on me.

"That's okay. I mean, it's not okay but it's nothing to go punching holes in the wall over," she teases.

"I'm a big girl," she adds quietly.

I try to smile but it doesn't even work.

"I'm not feeling too good, babe. Would it be really f.u.c.ked up if we didn't go out tonight?" I try to see how bad this sucks for her but she's good at hiding it and gives me a pageant girl smile "No, babe. If you're not feeling well it's nothing we can't do another day."

"Are you sure? Because we can if you still want to do something, I can just lie down," I cup her in my hand and look into her eyes. If she's really disappointed she's doing a h.e.l.l of a job at hiding it.

"No, get some rest. It's your first day back home and you're probably jet-lagged. It's fine," she says, before giving me a soft kiss on the lips.

"I'm going to make it up to you," I promise her.

"And you don't have to sit here with me. You should call your girls and go out," I try to sound excited for her, she should go out. I'll have to get used to not having her. I walk into the bedroom and lie across the bed.

"I'm not going to spend our anniversary out with them. As long as I'm with you, that's what's important," she says, crawling next to me.

I wrap one of my arms around her and hold her close.

"You know that I love you, right?" I try to sound upbeat but I just can't muster it.

"Of course I do," she says, looking back at me curiously.

"No, seriously." I turn her body around towards me, so she's facing me completely.

"No matter what. Whatever happens--if anything were to happen--nothing, under any circ.u.mstances," I take her hand and place it on my chest and hold it there, "will ever take you from here. Even if it doesn't seem like it, always know how much I love you. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, and even if I screw it up--"

She cups my face in her hand "Cal, you're scaring me. Is everything okay?" she asks, sitting up and staring at me. No it isn't but I won't think about that now. She's here and I have her.

"Yeah, just trying to get laid," I say, trying to kill the terrible vibe in the room. She continues searching my face.

"You can tell me anything. Nothing would change the way I feel about you. You'll always be my Cal." I wish that what she says was true but my situation is the outlier to any situation she can imagine.

"I know. That's why I love you," I tell her, pulling her towards me and kissing her long and soft, how she likes it. I don't do anything else. I don't deserve anything else. We have a problem, the clock has just started on our happy ending and it's turning backwards. She's about to find out I'm not her f.u.c.king Prince Charming, not even close.

chapter 15.

Chris This morning if you'd told me that my dad and Lauren would be able to talk without scowling at each other I wouldn't have believed you. That Lauren actually agreed to stay until the end of the month in my parents' house, I would have laughed in your face. It's funny how so much can change in the span of a few hours. I don't know what prompted my dad's change of heart. I wonder if it was the threat of kicking him out of my life that did it. Who ever said you win more flies with honey never met my dad. I look forward to living in a house that isn't a warzone. I'm glad to have him back to himself again and not this angry ticked off guy he's become since Lauren arrived. At first I didn't think she would accept his apology but she did and I know it was because of me. Because she thinks I needed her to. Maybe I did.

I just can't help but want some things to be more familiar, like they were before all of this chaos happened. Getting things back on track is a huge step in the right direction. It reminds me that everything that's gone wrong could possibly be fixed. Nothing is unfixable. That's what makes me feel better as I walk to Lisa's door. I don't know what it is she has to tell me but whatever it is we can fix it. With Lisa you never know what the problem could be. We've been friends since elementary school. She's always been the person I could talk to. She always has a way of making me feel better when some things seemed hopeless. That's when I was young, now the things that seemed hopeless then would be a cake walk now.

I know she's going to be happy to hear that Lauren and I are making it official. Well, I guess it doesn't get any more official than getting married. I ring her doorbell and wait for her to answer. After a few minutes when she doesn't, I ring it again and knock harder at the door. Her car's outside so I know she's home.

"Come on Lisa," I mutter to myself. Before I start to knock on the door again she's opened it.

"Hey Chris," she says, her eyes locked on her feet.

"Hey. What's going on with you?" I ask, walking past her into her house. I'm surprised it's clean. Ridiculously clean. Lisa's never been filthy but she always has stuff everywhere-clothes, old containers of food-but today it looks like my mom has been here and cleaned up for her.

"I've just been busy," she says as she walks past me and sits on her sofa, her hands clasped together in front of her.

"How are you?" she asks dryly. I chuckle.

"I'm good and you ma'am?" I ask sarcastically. That causes her to smile a little.

"What's up? What's been going on with you?" I ask, sitting next to her on the couch. She sighs and runs her hands through her hair.

"I-I have a lot on my mind," she chuckles.

"Did you get fired? Are you going to jail, what's up?" I joke, nudging her and she stands up and crosses her arms.

"You changed your hair," I say, surprised. I didn't notice it until now but the red streak is gone and she's back to her normal blonde color. Her nose ring is out too.

"Yeah. It's time for a change," she says quietly.

"So, you're going to Chicago?"

"Eventually. Right now we decided to stay," I tell her happily. Her eyebrows rise and a smile spreads across her own face.

"We?" she giggles. I nod.

"Me and Lauren and Caylen," I tell her and her eyes widen and the dark cloud that's been over her head since I walked in has disappeared briefly.

"So you guys are... Did you break things off with Jenna?" she asks excitedly.

"Yeah. We're going to try to make this thing work," I tell her and she runs over and gives me a big hug.

"That's so great Chris. It's about time you listened to me," she says, patting me on the back.

"Thank you. For being there, and for listening. For being you, never judging. I don't tell you enough, but you're a great friend. I don't know what I'd do without you." I expect her to joke and give me one of her sloppy kisses on my forehead when she gets emotional but instead her whole body stiffens. I step back from her and I see tears in her eyes.

"Lisa what's wrong?" I ask, starting to feel nervous. I've only seen Lisa cry once in my whole life and that was when her mother missed her graduation because she was too drunk to remember to show up.

"I'm so glad you're happy Chris," she says, her voice wavering as she turns away from me.

"Lisa, what is going on?" I ask, starting to become anxious.

"I don't want to be the one to ruin it. I didn't want to do this. I swear to G.o.d I never meant to hurt you," I turn her around and she's crying so hard her body is shaking. I pull her to me.

"Lisa what is it?"

"Why are you crying Lisa?" a small voice says from behind us. I turn around and see a little girl of maybe seven or eight, with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

"Everything's fine. Go back in my room okay," Lisa says trying to pull herself together.

"Who are you?" the little girl asks me.

"I'm Chris, Lisa's friend," I tell her, looking back over at Lisa.

"What's your name?" I ask, kneeling down so we're at eye level. She gives me a shy smile.

"I'm Willa," she tells me.

"Please go back in my room sweetie," Lisa says, ushering her half way. When the little girl leaves I look at Lisa for an explanation.

"Is that one of your students? You didn't kidnap someone's kid did you?" I say half-jokingly. Lisa has a big heart and I wouldn't be surprised what she'd do to help a kid even if it wasn't exactly the legal way. She sighs, it seems like it lasts forever and then wipes her face.

"No. She was staying with my aunt. But now my aunt's really sick and she can't take care of her anymore," she says quietly.

"You're adopting your niece?" I ask her, sitting back down her couch. I'm not surprised, Lisa loves kids, but to actually take care of one, to be a parent, I don't know if she's ready for that yet. She shakes her head.

"She isn't my niece. She's my daughter," she says quickly. So quickly I know I haven't heard her right.

"Wait. What?" I ask her in disbelief.

"I had her when I was nineteen," she says, tears coming back in her eyes. I feel like I should say something, but I'm at a loss for words. Lisa has a kid, and she never told me.

"I-I don't know what to say," I say, letting out a deep breath.

"Wow, Lisa," is all I can come up with. We both sit in silence and then my heart starts to beat faster and I remember why I'm here.

Oh no. Oh NO!

"She. She isn't mine is she Lisa? You and Cal didn't..." I say, feeling like I'm about to throw up. That son of a b.i.t.c.h. That son of a b.i.t.c.h! She stands from the couch and turns away from me.

"Lisa. Tell me. Say something now," I say, my voice shaking. She turns back around, her lips quivering and her hands shaking.

"She's not your daughter. She's your sister."

When my mom told me she had cancer everything changed. Everything seemed sharper, faster, so fast that nothing really mattered. It all blurred together as time sped up. My world s.h.i.+fted off its axis, my life couldn't be the same.

When Lisa said those words the exact opposite happened. For a moment everything around me froze, time moved in slow motion, at a glacial pace. I can only describe it as when you get really drunk and you move around lazily. Everything's foggy. Your mind is like a swamp, your thoughts float around, everything is sticky. Muddy, sticky isn't the word, muddy. When what you hear is so far-fetched, so catastrophically bad that you brain doesn't compute it. It can't compute it. It's so ridiculous your thoughts won't process it.

Like it glitches.

I don't know how long Lisa's been standing in front of me but I know she could not have just said what I think she just said. It's impossible, I can't even respond to it, because if I responded I'd be just as ridiculous as her. I don't even think I'm here right now. I'm in a nightmare, a constructed dream. Cal is f.u.c.king with me. This is all an illusion so he can break me down, mentally f.u.c.k me so bad that I can't come back from it, but I know this isn't real. My best friend isn't standing in front of me with a kid I just met in the other room telling me she's my sister.

It's implausible because in order for that to be true that would mean she would have had to screw my dad. My father, who would never do anything as disgusting as sleep with my best friend.

He wouldn't betray my mother like that. Because if he slept with my best friend that would make him...a hypocrite, a filthy piece of s.h.i.+t? It would mean that everything he taught me about values and being a good person was bulls.h.i.+t. That everything I believed in was a f.u.c.king lie.

"Christopher," she squeaks out meekly. It snaps me from my trance.

"Say something. Please." I look up at her standing in front of me, tears streaming down her face and I feel a switch about to go off. Like a bomb about to explode and it's taking everything in me not to. So much that I'm afraid to move because the slightest thing could set me the f.u.c.k off.