White Trash Damaged Part 1

White Trash Damaged.

Teresa Mummert.

This book is dedicated to my amazing husband, Joshua Mummert.

Not only did he take over the house while I spent hours on my laptop but he also listened to me ramble on endlessly about my story. If it wasn't for his continuous support, I would never have started writing. Every time I've wanted to give up he has talked me down from the ledge. I appreciate him more than I could ever put into words.

Thank you for everything.

You are an amazing husband, father, and friend.

IF SOMEONE ASKED me a few months ago if I would ever make it out of the trailer park alive, I would have smiled and told them the lie I told myself every day: I will make it out and have a better life for myself. I don't know if I ever honestly believed it, but it was the one thing that kept me from breaking down and giving up on life. Physically, I've left the trailer park and all of the things that were slowly killing me. But it is all still with me.

I stared off at the charred remains of my past. The ground was scorched and dead. All of my memories and the horrors that went on inside those four walls eviscerated with a tiny flame that flickered inside of my heart for Tucker.

It was time to rebuild my life from the ground up, starting from those burnt remnants. I had to move on from the death of my mother and my unborn child. I had to forgive Jackson for taking everything from me. In truth, I may have never been able to escape had he not destroyed everything I was holding on to. I would never understand why he did the things he did, and maybe I wasn't meant to. But regardless of all that, I could no longer live in the past. I needed to move forward and become the person I wanted to be.

I TOOK A FEW tentative steps through the aftermath of my former life. It hadn't rained since the fire and the ashes coated everything, making it difficult to know where to step. The cheap metal frame lay twisted and charred. The concrete front steps remained, blackened and leading to nowhere. This was the spot I had last seen my father. I continued farther into the debris, refusing to dwell on the person I had lost due to him not wanting to be in my life. At least Jax . . . I couldn't even finish my thought. It turned my stomach to think about him as anything more than the animal he was. Fragments of our old boxed television crunched under my foot, and I knew I was facing what used to be the hallway. My throat began to close as I struggled to face my past and walk down this path one last time. It's funny how the memories can hold you hostage on something that no longer existed. I took a deep breath, the air smelling like a campfire, and tilted my face toward the sky. The sun s.h.i.+ned down, warming my skin, and the birds called to one another in the distance. There was no yelling, no hate, just life continuing on in the wake of unspeakable tragedy.

I GAZED AT THE BACK of the old trailer next door as I began to walk toward it. My body reflexively sidestepped the old bucket that used to catch rainwater, even though the bucket was long gone and melted into the dirt. I stopped, glancing to my left at my room. A small smile played on my lips as tears began to blur my vision. This was my tiny corner of the world, and for years it felt more like a prison cell. My eyes danced around the neighborhood, taking in all of the life and families that had surrounded me for years, but had been closed off to me by those walls. I kicked at a plank of wood with the toe of my shoe and raised my chin in silent defiance to all that I had been put through inside that prison. It was now that I finally realized that this place was nothing more than a sh.e.l.l. The real confinement was inside of my head. I had been so beaten down mentally that I had convinced myself I couldn't leave, but it was fear that kept me, not these weak walls.

I stepped across what would have been my bathroom. Not all of the contents had disintegrated into nothingness, and I took a moment to take in what remained from all of those years. The pain, the sadness, and the loved ones brutally taken from me burned down to an old flimsy rubber hose and memories that would haunt me for a lifetime. I looked toward my old self's old room and knew that this place didn't hold any good memories. The memories I truly treasured were in my heart, and nothing could take those away from me.

I LET OUT A LONG, deep breath as I heard the tires on the stone parking lot behind me. I glanced over my shoulder, squinting in the sunlight as I looked at the sleek, black Cadillac parked a few feet away from Aggie's Diner. It was time to finally close out this chapter of my life. I had learned and grown a great deal over the last few months, and I was ready to start over completely. No more running and hiding under secrets. I looked back one last time at the place where my trailer had sat before I made my way across the parking lot and slipped inside the open back door of the car. The driver nodded at me once before he got back inside and pulled out of the dusty lot.

It was impossible to block out the voices of those who had once been my entire world. I could still hear Jax apologizing. I could still see the vacant look in my mother's eyes as she slipped into a drug-addled oblivion. The events of the day that would forever change my life replayed on a loop inside of my head as we made our way across town.

I squeezed my eyes closed and rested my head against the back of the seat. I pushed aside the guilt as I tried to focus on the happier moments that had brought my life to this point. The memories that I held sacred in my heart didn't belong to Jax. They belonged to Tucker. He was the reason I could see past those walls.

I SMILED and let my eyes flutter open. Glancing out of the dark, tinted windows I knew we were getting closer. I sat up straight and ran my hands through my messy blond hair.

"Big day," the driver said in a gravelly voice. My eyes focused on his peppered dark hair. He was at least twenty years older than I was. For a brief moment, I wondered if my father's hair would be turning gray or if he had any at all. I shook the memory of him from my head and cleared my throat.

"Very," I replied as we made our way into the city. I began to hum along to the song on the radio as we turned toward City Market.

When I ran away from my problems the first time, I had done it all wrong. I thought all I wanted was to escape from my s.h.i.+tty life and my abusive boyfriend. . . . I never expected to fall deeply, madly in love with someone else. But I also never expected to lose myself in the process and get absorbed into someone else's larger-than-life world that didn't really have a place for me in it.

I stepped out of the car, lost in my own thoughts as I glanced up at the apartment building I had been calling home. The driver nodded at me with a smile and I returned it, hoping I could keep my nerves at bay for a little longer.

"Thank you," I called over my shoulder as I made my way to the front door and sighed before pulling it open and ascending the stairs.

Everything was going to change once again. I pulled open my apartment door and scanned the living room that was filled with cardboard boxes containing what little I had acc.u.mulated in the few months that I had lived on my own.

I ran my hand over one of the boxes as a light tapping came from the door behind me. I turned to look as it squeaked open and Tucker stood in the doorway.

"Coconut?" He laughed as he ran his hand through his hair and kicked the door closed behind him. I could feel my face turn pink with embarra.s.sment.

"It reminds me of you." I captured my bottom lip between my teeth and chewed on it nervously.

Tucker took two quick steps, closing the s.p.a.ce between us, and cupped my face in his hands.

"If you wanted to smell me, Ca.s.s, all you had to do was invite me over." His lips pulled into a slight grin. I placed my hand on his as he gently caressed my cheek.

"I did. You were late." I smirked as his eyes met mine.

"My flight was delayed. I'm sorry." His eyes drifted over the stack of boxes behind me. "Let me make it up to you." His gaze flicked from my eyes to my mouth. His tongue rolled over his bottom lip, and I knew I was powerless to resist him any longer. His lips met mine hard, and my knees immediately buckled under his touch. His left arm looped around my back and held me firmly against him, keeping me from falling. Even without hitting the ground, I had fallen for this man a long time ago.

I let my mouth open slightly, and Tucker ran his tongue over my lips, causing me to moan as I pushed my tongue against his. My hands slid up his toned chest and into his messy hair. I gripped it, tugging gently as he deepened our kiss.

Panic began to set in as I thought of where this had gotten us before. My body stiffened involuntarily at the memory. Tucker broke away from our kiss and searched my eyes with worry marring his beautiful face.

"What's wrong?" he asked, struggling to steady his breathing.

"I'm sorry. I don't think I can . . . not yet."

His hand slid from my cheek to the back of my head as he pulled me against his chest.

"I'll wait forever. Just don't run away from me again." He kissed the top of my head. "As long as it takes."

I nodded and listened to the soothing steady rhythm of his heartbeat. I don't know how I ever went a day without hearing the sound of it. His voice broke through my thoughts as his chest vibrated against my ear with each word.

"You ready to go start our forever?"

I pulled back to look up into his eyes. I wanted him to see that I meant every word I was about to say.

"I don't ever want to spend another minute apart." I spoke with as much confidence as I could muster, even though I was terrified about taking this next step with Tuck and leaving my new apartment-my flimsy attempt at a fresh start-behind to spend the next few months on the road with him and his band, Damaged. I glanced around my cramped apartment, suddenly realizing that, even though it was familiar, it no longer felt like my home. Tucker's arms were my home, no matter where they took me.

I TOOK A DEEP breath and nodded. He tucked a strand of my dirty blond hair behind my ear and winked before turning around and opening the door. Two large men stepped inside and began grabbing boxes to carry out of the apartment. I picked up my small bag that I had packed for our trip.

"Come on." He bent down, grabbing my bag from me and taking my hand to pull me toward the front door. We made our way down the flight of steps and out the door. Tucker's bike was just off the sidewalk. He grabbed my helmet and held it out for me with a smile, revealing his dimples. There was no other place I wanted to be than wherever Tucker was. I watched him straddle his bike and kick back the kickstand. The bike roared to life underneath him as I flung my leg across it and wrapped my arms around Tucker's waist. I had no idea where we were going, and I didn't care. I took my bag from him and looped it over my shoulder. I rested my head against his back and closed my eyes, letting the suns.h.i.+ne beat down on my face as we made our way out of the city.

We weaved through the traffic on I-95 as the larger buildings faded into the distance until we were surrounded by trees. I realized that we were heading toward Eddington. We exited the highway and came to a stop sign. Tucker's hands went to mine and rubbed them soothingly.

"I want to show you something," he called over his shoulder. I nodded against his back as his muscles flexed and pulled as the bike turned down Maple Street. We flew by the roads leading to my old house. I relaxed a little more knowing I wouldn't have to face the demons of my past. We slowed and turned onto an old dirt road lined by trees. As we came through a clearing, I realized where we were. Old Basin Cemetery. Tucker pulled off into the gra.s.s and shut off the motorcycle.

"Why are we here?" This wasn't the place my mother and Jax had been buried. I didn't know anyone who had been laid to rest here. I slid off the bike and pulled the helmet from my head, running my free hand through my hair. I looked out over the field that was dotted with headstones: some old, some new. Tucker got off the bike and grabbed my helmet from my hand before removing his. He slid the bag off my shoulder and hung it on the handlebars.

"I have a surprise for you." He reached for my hand and I let him intertwine our fingers. He pulled me toward the small field, and I let my feet drag, wondering what he could possibly have in store for me.

We leisurely strolled to the back of the cemetery to a small tree with a tiny angel statue placed beside it. I looked up at Tucker with confusion. He let go of my hand and nodded toward the stone. He rubbed his palms together nervously as I stepped forward, tucking my hair behind my ears and bending down to read the inscription.

Another angel has taken flight Ca.s.s Daniels & Tucker White I reached out and ran my fingers over the cold stone, feeling the indents of each letter. Tucker knelt at my side, his hands fisted together in front of his mouth.

"How?" I could barely choke out the word.

"I thought it would be good to have a place to grieve. Somewhere without all of the bad memories." His eyes misted over as he stared ahead at the stone.

It made it all seem so real. My hand fell to my stomach as I thought about that awful night.

"I'm sorry. I just thought . . ." he tried to explain. I reached over and gripped his forearm tightly.

"No, it's perfect. Our child deserved a place in this world." I nodded. He swallowed and looked down at the gra.s.s. The wind began to blow, whipping my hair in front of my face. Tucker turned to me and brushed it aside. His forehead fell against mine, and I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply and taking in his scent of freedom. "Thank you," I whispered. He stood and held his hand down to me. I placed mine against his palm, and he effortlessly pulled me to my feet and into his arms.

"Whatever happens with us, we will get through it together. If it hurts you, it hurts me too, Ca.s.s."

I nodded into his chest, unable to find the words to express how grateful I was that he fought so hard to be with me.

"Come on. We have memories to make." He pulled back and shot me a wink that still had the power to make me blush. I grabbed his hand as we made the walk back to his bike. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, Tucker and I belonged together. Now we had our own angel looking over us. As we reached the bike, Tucker grabbed my helmet and slid it over my head, fastening the strap below my chin.

"We have a long ride ahead of us." He gripped the waist of my sundress and pulled me closer, kissing me hard on the lips before taking a step back and slipping on his helmet. He got on his bike, and I followed suit, wrapping my arms around his waist and running my fingers along the ridges of his stomach muscles.

We drove out of the small cemetery and headed back onto the highway. I was thankful it was a warm day since I had decided to wear a dress today. Still, the wind made it chilly as we left Eddington and all of our horrible experiences behind us. I had no idea where we were going, and I didn't really care. I watched the cars around us go by in a blur as we made our way to Interstate 75. We rode for hours, only stopping to refuel and stretch our legs.

Traffic began to pick up, and we slowed to a crawl as we made our way to Atlanta. I had never been there before and couldn't wrap my head around the sheer amount of people that populated the city. Everyone had their own destination, and they were oblivious to the hordes of people around them.

Tucker took an exit off the highway and wove his way through the city streets. Everything seemed bigger than life. We pulled up to a stoplight, and Tucker glanced back over his shoulder at me, rubbing my hands that still gripped his waist.

"Hungry?"

"Absolutely," I yelled over the sound of the engine.

He nodded and took off as the light changed to green. After a few more lights and several turns we pulled up at a restaurant that was tucked away at the base of a larger building. It looked like a hole in the wall. I got off the bike, stretching my legs in the most ladylike fas.h.i.+on manageable. I held out my helmet for Tucker and ran my hands through my hair a few times.

"You look beautiful." His grin melted my heart, and I looped my fingers in his as I let him pull me into the small eatery.

I had to do a double take as we entered. The restaurant stretched far back into the building and was much larger than it appeared from outside. The walls were painted a deep gold with patches of gold leaf brushed right onto the walls. The lighting was so low it was nearly dark, with candles lit at each table. Artwork lined the walls, and I would have thought we were at a gallery had it not been for the tables. A woman in a crisp white b.u.t.ton-down s.h.i.+rt and black slacks greeted us as we entered. We followed her toward the back of the room and pa.s.sed a bar that lined the left wall. There was a set of steps that led down below the main level and held a larger dining area. I suddenly felt extremely underdressed for such a place.

"This is beautiful," I whispered as Tucker looped his arm over my shoulders and pulled me into his side. He gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head. The hostess had stopped at a table and waited for us to take our seats. Tucker pulled out my chair, and I slid into it and waited for him to join me. Instead of sitting across from me, he chose the chair to my left and held my hand as we waited for the waitress to bring us our menus.

"This is . . . more than what I expected." I felt so out of place. Luckily, we had arrived just after the dinner crowd, and being that it was a weekday, we pretty much had the restaurant to ourselves. There was one other couple on the far side of the room. They were older and dressed to the nines. I wondered if they were celebrating an anniversary or something.

Our waitress arrived with gla.s.ses of ice water and handed us our menus. She was beautiful. Her hair was more blond than mine, her eyes a sparkling light blue. I watched as she smiled, blus.h.i.+ng slightly in Tucker's direction. He smiled back politely, but gave my hand a gentle squeeze under the table.

"I'll have a beer. Whatever you have is fine."

She turned her attention to me.

"I'll have whatever he is having," I said, clearing my throat. These were the girls who worried me. The ones I could see on Tucker's arm, winking at the paparazzi and looking glamorous while his star continued to rise. As the waitress left to grab our drinks, I glanced down at my sundress, tugging at the hem. I wished I had changed into something a bit . . . cla.s.sier before the trip.

"You look amazing."

I felt my cheeks flush under his gaze. He made me feel like I truly did look amazing. There was an honesty in his voice that I had never heard from anyone else before. I reached for my gla.s.s of water and took a small sip.

"Thank you."

His thumb brushed over the back of my hand as I flipped open my menu and tried to concentrate on finding something to eat. The confusion I felt as I was trying to decipher the Italian menu must have shown on my face because Tucker laughed at me and flipped my menu closed.

"I have no idea what any of it means either. Let's just order a bunch of appetizers. One of them is bound to be good."

I smiled back at him and nodded. I had a tendency to get overwhelmed. Tucker took everything in stride. I admired that about him.

"So . . . where are we headed?" I asked excitedly. This was the farthest away from home that I had been.

"We have a concert in a few hours at Philips Arena. It's kind of a big show. We are headlining for a new band. Probably the biggest concert we have had yet." He grinned and for once he looked nervous. I gave his hand a rea.s.suring squeeze.

"Shouldn't you be rehearsing?" I felt guilty that once again his band was sitting around waiting for him because of me.

"They understand. Trust me. It was Terry's idea for me to come find you."

I thought back to the Twisted Twins. Neither gave off the "love conquers all" vibe. In fact, had they not defended my honor when I worked at the diner, I would have been frightened of them.

The waitress returned with two Budweiser bottles and gla.s.ses. Tucker waved the gla.s.ses away and picked up his bottle, taking a long swig.

"They may be okay with it now, but how much longer are they going to be okay having to change their schedules to accommodate me?" I grabbed my bottle and took a small sip.

"You're not planning on leaving me again, are you?" He c.o.c.ked his eyebrow up as his eyes scanned my face.

"Of course not."

"Then there's nothing to worry about." He shrugged and took another sip. The waitress returned from disposing of the unused gla.s.ses. She held a pen and pad in her hands, waiting to take our order.

"Have you decided?" she asked, her eyes flicking to me but then resting intently on Tucker.

"We'd like one of each of your apps." He smiled, grabbing my menu and placing it on top of his and holding them out for her to take. I did not miss the fact that she went out of her way to touch his hand with her fingers as she grabbed the menus from his hand.

He gave me a small grin, noting my jealousy.

"So . . ." He cleared his throat and took another drink. "What have you been up to while I was on the first leg of the tour?"

I picked at the label of my beer.

"Working mostly. But hey, I saw that you will be doing an awards show soon? That's actually really exciting!" I wanted to add that I had heard about the actress he had been linked to and was dying for him to tell me that there was no truth to the rumors, but I knew I couldn't ask . . . and I knew he wouldn't bring it up. After all, I had been the one who left him, and he had no obligation to be faithful to an absentee girlfriend. Although it's not like he had any reason to worry about what I'd been up to. I couldn't look at another man after being with Tucker. He had ruined me for anyone in the future.

"What about you?"

He took another long pull from the bottle, emptying it. He sat it on the edge of the table and nodded toward the waitress who quickly came and cleared it as she went off to fetch him another beer. I watched her leave, wondering if I could handle what he was going to say. Tucker had been nothing but kind to me, always honest and faithful and pa.s.sionate when we were together, but I would be lying to myself if I said I knew him inside and out. Even today, I had seen new sides to him that I hadn't known existed. I didn't know if those sides had grown from what we had been through together, or if they had been there all along, bubbling under the surface.