Faithful to Buddha, Faithful to You Chapter 33

T/N: Any notes at the end of relevant paragraphs that are indicated with an asterisk * are usually my own translation notes, unless I say otherwise in square brackets. Words in square brackets [  ] in sentences are words I added for clearer meaning. 

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I wake up and find Pusysdeva squatting right next to my bed once again. He is currently staring at my face with a complicated look in his eyes. I step out of the bed without a word. Today is my last day in Kucha. I have already packed up all my belongings into the two Northface backpacks and will be meeting up with the caravan of merchants soon.

After putting on my outer robes, I reach down under the pillow but find nothing there. I lift the pillow up and still don't see it. I look around to see if it has fallen off somewhere, but still nothing. Where can it be?

"Stop looking for it," Pusysdeva speaks up at last with a tired voice, "I've already hidden it."

"You…" Angered, I yell out: "How could you do that?! Return it to me!"

"Without that big bracelet, you will not be able to return to the sky."

"You!"

I can't believe he dared to come up with such a foolhardy plan!

"Return my watc—my bracelet, to me. If you're not careful and touch the wrong spot, the consequences will be disastrous."

"Consequences?" He smiles at me with a devil-may-care att.i.tude. "You mean I will fly to sky?"

"No." Without the anti-radiation jacket, he will not be able to fly anywhere. "At that time, a blinding source of light will flare out, and if it s.h.i.+nes on you, after a few seconds, your body will immediately decay and turn into ashes." I'm hoping to scare him with these horrific images of death.

"Fine, I will not touch anything. But I'm keeping that bracelet still."

Pusysdeva acts as if he doesn't know what fear is, merely stands up and grins at me.

"If you think you can find that bracelet in my room then feel free to search for it."

"What do you want, Pusysdeva?" Tired, I lean back against the bed post. Why does he always like to make trouble during these times, when my heart's already in enough turmoil as it is?

"What I want, don't you already know?" He moves closer to me with eyes flaring red. "I know you don't love me, so all I can do is fight for a bit more time."

I bite my lips and turn my head away, unwilling to face him head on.

"It's futile," I tell him.

"So what?"

He suddenly becomes angry, his tone getting more aggressive: "Hurry up and get ready, it's time to go!"

"Go where?"

"The old fortress Tagan. Me and my brothers [fellow royal guards] will be escorting you there."

I basically got manhandled to the carriage. Though I don't want to, I couldn't resist his strength, so I can only swallow back the bile rising up in me [from anger] and sit still. Pusysdeva and four of his friends from the royal guards escort me out of the Kuchan palace.

The carriage rocks back and forth as it travels. I sit inside staring off into s.p.a.ce. Something is coiling within me; I can neither push it out nor swallow it down.

Early yesterday morning, I had hid myself at a corner of the temple and observed him from afar. Lots of people had come to see Master Bandhudatta off, including people from Subas.h.i.+ City. A sea of people crowded around the temple's gate, making it hard for me to locate Rajiva. It was not until he was sitting atop the camel did I finally stop craning my neck to look. I rubbed the back of my aching neck and firmly tell myself to not blink even once. There was a sea of people separating us, but I could still see the melancholy reflected in his eyes. When Rajiva lifted his hand up, the movement pulled back his sleeve and revealed the faded sandalwood prayer beads. My hand subconsciously moved to touch the Atlas silk scarf on my neck. Camel bells rang out. Rajiva's eyes darted around, searching, but to no avail. He cast his head down in defeat and tugged his camel forward.

The band of people moved forward in a line one by one, kasaya robes fluttering in the wind, until they disappeared around a corner of the Tian Shan range. I could not hold back my tears then.

The carriage continues to rock and sway while I sit in a daze, lost in memories, until Pusysdeva calls for stop to set up camp. I ignore the angry look in Pusysdeva's eyes, quickly eat whatever, and withdraw to my tent.

He follows after me stubbornly. I lie down and turn my back against him, treating him like air. Pusysdeva lets out a tired sigh before stepping out.

We arrive at Tagan late afternoon of the next day, when the sun has begun to set on the crumbling city walls. Looking at that desolate sight, I'm suddenly struck by a feeling of terrible sadness. I have never felt as resigned as I do now about my work. In that moment, I wonder if there is really any point to me coming here to investigate and determine the exact location of this fortress, a place that is now nothing but mere ruins from two thousand years ago. Humans are always moving forward, and things in the 21st century are constantly changing at the speed of light. Who even has the patience nowadays to stop and learn about things from the past?

The same goes for Rajiva. Aside from those who specialize in Buddhist studies and history, how many people out there know of his existence, his contributions? j.a.panese animation have become an integral part of many young people's lives today, but how many of those youths know that the translations of their beloved characters' names into Chinese, names that are hard to p.r.o.nounce like Ashura [Asura], Yasha-ō [Yaksha], Kendappa-ō [Gandharva], Kakura-ō [Garuda], etc, are all based on Rajiva's works?
* [T/N: I could be wrong, but I think Xiao Chun/Ai Qing is most likely referring to the characters in RG Veda, a manga published in 1989 by CLAMP as their debut work; on that basis, I thus put the j.a.panese character names first, followed by the names of the Vedic G.o.ds/beings the characters were based on]

I reluctantly pull out my research tools. Whether I feel like it or not, I must still do something useful. If not, my head might just explode from all these thoughts whirling inside!

In the beginning, I refuse to let Pusysdeva help, but he keeps stealing my measuring tape so I eventually just give up and let him do whatever he wants.

In the evening, we set up camp next to the fortress. I sit next to the campfire chewing on a piece of naan bread, and with each bite I swallow, I soon realize that I have truly 'given up'. I stare blankly at the crumbling walls, imagining a silhouette casting its shadow on the ground. I wonder where he is now, if he's also sitting in front of a bonfire with a troubled heart, thinking about a certain 'someone' like I am right now? I recall the first time we met. It was also an October night like this in the middle of a desert. He was still a teenager then, eyes s.h.i.+ning bright, looking at me with burning curiosity.

"What are you thinking about?"

A cup of water appears in front of my face. I glance up to find Pusysdeva's eyes looking at me. Sparks of fire are reflected in his eyes. He looks so much like Rajiva!

I accept the cup and hold it with both hands.

"This place used to be the military base for Ban Chao in the Western Regions. Ban Chao and his son's administration over the region, which lasted for more than 60 years, had changed the history of the Western Regions, as well as the history of Kucha."

Pusysdeva sits next to me and gazes at the crackling fire in the front.

"Tell me about him [Ban Chao]."

"I really admire Ban Chao. His family members—father Ban Biao, older brother Ban Gu, and younger sister Ban Zhao—were well-known historians and scribes* during the Han Dynasty [206 BCE-220 CE]. Ban Chao himself was also a scribe originally but later renounced the pen for the sword."
* Ban Gu, with the help of Ban Zhao, composed what became known as the Book of Han, a historical record covering the Western, or Former Han dynasty from the first emperor in 206 BCE to the fall of w.a.n.g Mang in 23 CE. This work was modeled after the Records of the Grand Historian by Sima Qian.

I took a sip of the water before continuing with the retell.

"[In 138 BCE,] Emperor Wu of Han dispatched Zhang Qian [a diplomat] to 'explore' the Western Regions, though the true goal was to build alliances.* The offer was this: If the Western tribes agree to surrender to the Han, on top of not having to pay tributes, the Han court will even reward them with gifts and the technological advances of the Central Plains. This tactic was completely different from the Xiongnu's violent conquests of the Western Regions. That's why, for a period of time, the Western Regions willingly submit to the Han, which angered the Xiongnu greatly. But at the end of the [Wester or Former] Han Dynasty, w.a.n.g Mang usurped the throne [and founded the Xin Dynasty], plunging the world into chaos, allowing the Xiongnu the chance to rise up and take control of the Western Regions again. In the early days of Emperor Guangwu's reign [the start of Eastern or Later Han Dynasty] over the newly unified empire, he was more concerned with domestic affairs and reforms and thus declined to get involved with the Western Regions. This policy persisted until his son, Emperor Ming, succeeded the throne and at last ordered Dou Gu to lead an attack against North Xiongnu. It was the start of a new chapter in history, and thus began the story of the heroic Ban Chao."
* Zhang Qian's accounts of his travels to the Western Regions were a major source of cultural and socio-economic data for Sima Qian in his Records, as well as Ban Gu and Ban Zhao in theirs.

"This fortress, though nothing but ruins now under the chilling winds of autumn, is evidence of those glorious years of history. With only 36 men along, Ban Chao had fought and defeated 130 enemies, and from that victory, a new idiomatic expression was born: 'How can one obtain tiger-cubs without entering the tiger’s lair.'* When Emperor Han Zhang Di [son of Emperor Ming] gave the order that the military campaigns in the Western Regions are to be abandoned, Ban Chao had resisted. He chose to stay behind with the ethnic groups and guarded Shule for five years. The number of Han soldiers under his command was not much, but using his wits and character alone, he was able to conquer many Western kingdoms."
* similar in meaning to "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

After much effort by Ban Chao and his son, Kucha eventually acquiesced to the Han's rule. The reign of the Bai family over Kucha, which Ban Chao helped establish, lasted for almost eight hundred years. However, during this period of time where I find myself in, Kucha had no longer listened to the commands of the Central Plains, giving the Han cause to send military this way. And eleven years later, Rajiva will have to face a major turning point in his life.

My heart feels like it's breaking apart, blood dripping out with no restraints, turning the scene in front of my eyes into a crimson picture. Pained, I close my eyes.

"Why did you stop all of a sudden?"

"Aren't you a Kuchan? Why do you not know anything about this period of history?"

I open my eyes. The crimson scene is gone, replaced by Pusysdeva's searching eyes. I smile ruefully.

"I'm fine, no need to think of ways to cheer me up."

He smiles and stays silent.

"How is your relations.h.i.+p like with your uncle, Bai Zhen?"

He furrows his eyebrows at my question.

"We're good. Why do you ask?"

I hesitate for a moment before deciding to tell him: "Don't be a military man any longer."

That catches Pusysdeva off guard. He looks at me, confused and a bit suspicious.

"You may think I am speaking nonsense, but trust me, everything I am about to say is the truth."

I look at him head on and slowly enunciate each sentence.

"Later on, Kucha will undergo a great calamity. Continue to be in the military and danger will befall you. If you can, try and bolster your relations.h.i.+p with Bai Zhen, for he will be someone you can lean on in the future."

Pusysdeva is taken aback and for a while, does not say a single word. At last, a corner of his mouth lifts up into rueful smile.

"I can't believe you were willing to disclose my future to me."

Now it's my turn to be surprised, but before I can recover, he has taken a hold of my hands and holds it tightly in his grasp, voice incredibly gentle.

"Stay with me then, stay and help me overcome that difficult time you speak of."

He pulls my hands to his lap.

"You are a kind celestial being*, so you definitely will not leave me behind to suffer all by myself, right?"
* [T/N: I've been using "fairy" previously, but now that I think about it, it's not a good choice given the European connotations of the word. So I'll be using "celestial being" from now on, since it's closer to the intended meaning and fit the Buddhist/Chinese context here. The correct word is "apsara" but that would just confuse you guys.]

I try to escape his hold and in the process, aggravate my wounds, making me cry out in pain. Pusysdeva immediately lets go.

He lets out a long sigh. I catch a tinge of sadness in his eyes before he turns around to face the crackling fire.

"Ai Qing, if I join the monastery, will you like me then?"

"You!" Startled, I almost jump up, "What kind of nonsense are you saying?!"

He bursts out laughing.

"I was only joking. If I join the monastery, who knows how many girls will cry their hearts out when they learn of the news. Then I'd have to break my vows to comfort them. A person like me can never become a Buddha."

I give him a wry smile. "Pusysdeva, what is it about me that you like?"

"Don't know. You are not even that pretty, your b.r.e.a.s.t.s are small, I don't know what it is that I like about you either."

He looks at me for a long moment before his smile fades and says in softer voice, "You are very pure." His light grey eyes continue to observe my face. "Your eyes are pure, your smile is pure, even your heart is pure. When I'm with you, I feel like I too am becoming pure, unburdened by any filthy thoughts."

He closes his eyes for a second, and when he opens them again, there's a hidden sadness in his gaze.

"Ai Qing, must you really return to the sky? Can you really not stay?"

I stand up.

"It's late, let's retire for the night."

The next morning, we begin our journey back. I had no intention of working in the beginning anyway, also don't want to stay with Pusysdeva any longer, so I had requested that we return earlier than originally planned. I must find a way to get back my time-travelling watch. I have been staying in Kucha for almost half a year. If I don't set out soon, then by the time I reach Chang'an, my one-year limit would be up and I would have to return to the 21st century before I can even meet Fu Jian.

We have to set camp during the night once again. The goal is to reach Kucha by the next day. Unfortunately, during our rest in the forest, we happen to encounter a major incident.

We are just about to get ready to resume our journey after the little rest stop. But as soon as I step inside the carriage, I start to hear strange sounds. When I poke my head out, a strange object suddenly zooms right by me and embeds itself into the carriage's doors. I recognize it to be an arrow.

Pusysdeva's voice can be heard shouting: "Ai Qing, get back inside and stay there!"

I listen to him and plop back inside when all of a sudden, the carriage begins to lurch backwards. I can hear the horses screeching in pain outside. The carriage continues to sway violently, making me fall everywhere and hurting all over. I try to climb out of the carriage and after much effort, I manage to pull back the curtains in the front, only see arrows stuck onto the horses' backs, while the driver is nowhere to be found. There is nothing but sand all around us. I cannot find Pusysdeva. I sway on my feet, feeling dizzy and nauseous, but still manage to drag my body to the doors. I clench my teeth together and jump. I cannot count how many times my body roll on the ground, as my mind is consumed by the searing pain from my wounded arm, before my head collides with something solid and cold. I black out after that.

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Ramblings: I’m back! It’s getting rather redundant if I keep apologizing, so I’ll say thank you instead. Thank you to all who have been leaving comments on various posts during my (long) absence, whether they are comments about the story, or warm words of encouragement and well-wishes to me. I’ve read them all and will reply to each soon! Thank you to those who have been waiting, who continued to have faith in my return. Thank you to those have just joined, to the new readers who are eager for more updates. For as long as you all are here, for as long as one reader remains, I will continue translating. You have my word.

The cliffhanger won’t stay for too long, I promise, as the next chapter will be posted within a day or so as a bonus gift! (Well, ch.34 was actually what I wanted to focus on originally; ch.33 wasn’t supposed to be fully translated, but alas…) I’m almost done with translating ch.34, but I do need some sleep at the moment, so yeah…