Faithful to Buddha, Faithful to You Chapter 37

Chapter 37
Chapter 37: Pusysdeva’s Side Story (Part 3)

[T/N: Note that this chapter is written in Pusysdeva’s perspective . ]

[…]

After thinking through, I become extremely regretful of what I did that day . I didn’t know about her injuries, and my boorish actions had only served to undo all my previous efforts in gaining her affection . After we return to the State Preceptor’s Residence, she starts to avoid me like the plague . It is all my fault . Just when I thought she has finally become accustomed to my touches, I went and did that… But I have no time to dwell on the topic any further as father has fallen ill . I thought to myself that I will properly apologize to her after father recovers .

But father did not make through that illness . My beloved father pa.s.ses away, bringing with him all the pain and sorrow from missing my mother . I did not feel much when my mother died, but the pain of losing my father stayed with me for a long while . It is only now that I finally understand father’s woes, having fallen in love at last . I should have listened to father more when he was alive, instead of doing things that made him upset . Unfortunately, he died without seeing my sincere remorse .

I propose to her, even though the past month has told me that there is no place for me in her heart . I want to give her the one thing my brother cannot . But it’s too late . I cannot win, have never once won in fact . There is a hollow feeling in my chest as I listen to her admitting her love for him . Ai Qing, you taught me what [romantic] love is, but just when I have finally learned how to love, you then tell me that you have never loved me .

During the time I wait for her return from Subas.h.i.+ City, I think long and hard about many things . She chooses to leave because she wants him to make his aspirations come true . I am not that great of a person . I love her so I will find every way possible to make her stay . Time can change everything .

With that thought, I decide to steal her bracelet . The Han has a legend about a celestial fairy who descended to the earth one day and had her clothes stolen by a mortal man as she was bathing in a lake . Without her clothes, she could not return to the heavens, and so she stayed with the man [not knowing he was the thief] and married him . I hope that legend is real .
[T/N: It isn’t, you foolish boy . And even if it is a real story, a relations.h.i.+p based on lies can never last . Just ask the Han on the ending to that story . ]

As it turns out, she really cannot return to the heavens without that bracelet . I then arrange for her to come with me to see the Tagan Fort . Unfortunately, she gets injured once again . I cry when the physician announces that her arm has become too infected and amputation will be necessary if she wants to preserve her life . This is no doubt the punishment for going against the heavens and trying to force a celestial being to stay here . But why did the punishment fall on her and not on me? I am willing to give up my arm for her . I cannot bear to see her suffering like this .

I have given it a lot of thought before deciding to send someone to find him . When I saw her looking at those sketches, I knew I have totally lost . I have lost since ten years ago . If that’s the case, I might as well fulfill her wishes . All that matters is easing her suffering…

Unfortunately, we are unable to stall for any more time . Her injuries can only be healed by returning to the heavens . I give her back the bracelet and a.s.sist her in putting on that strange outfit, and then help her gather all her belongings into that unfathomably deep bag . From now on, with the heaven and earth separating us, I will never be able to see her again . I will never be able to find that warmth and sincerity in anyone else .

But I must let go, for this celestial being has never belonged to me . I leave one final mark on her forehead as a goodbye and gaze at her one last time while standing at the doors . One day up there equals ten years down here . This time, I must not forget how she looks like . By the time she returns, I might become an old man with grey hair, toothless and hazy-eyed, but I hope she would still recognize me then .

I close the doors and step back into the courtyard . I lift my head up and gaze at the sky, where she will soon return to . With tears streaming down my face, I tell myself, I must live well, because I am no longer a child anymore .

The outer gates suddenly burst open . He stumbles through, his face deathly pale . One look at my face is enough to have him rus.h.i.+ng forward to her room . I try to hold him back with all my might, recalling her words about how no one must look directly at the light that emits when she leaves .

Unable to overcome my strength, there is nothing else he can do except crying out her name at the doors . It’s a kind of wail that resembles a piercing scream, one that is filled with so much helplessness and despair that even I am shocked by its intensity . In that moment, I realize there is no point in being jealous of him . He is just like me . Just another poor soul who is unable to actualize his love .

When we step into the room afterwards, I have a sudden panicking thought: Did she really exist? Or was she merely an illusion in my heart? The Buddha says that all things are empty of intrinsic existence and nature…what about her?

His hands tremble as he picks up the drawings on the table . There is blood on them, which has dried into dark crimson, but even still they cannot cover her bright pure smile . He collapses onto the bed and drops his head on top of the drawings, his shoulders clearly shaking . I leave the room in silence, look up at the sky and take a deep breath, then set off searching for my uncle Bai Zhen . I must live well until she returns .

He ends up meditating in her room for three days straight . I instruct the servants to bring him food every day but leave him undisturbed otherwise . Whenever people from the palace or the temple come looking for him, I make up excuses that he is ill and needs to rest . I am now the head of the family, so I must look after everything and everyone in the household, and that includes him .

He finally emerges from the room three days after, looking much more frail than usual, but his eyes are still as clear as ever . The two of them, despite the difference in eye colours, both share the same aura and purity in their gaze . I may not lose to him when it comes to appearances, but I can never possess that kind of clarity in my gaze, the kind that only people with pure souls like him can have .

I have thought that such an incident would cause him to fall off-path, that it would prove to be too much of a blow and he would no longer be able to follow the way of the Buddha . But it is not until some time later, when I go to the Cakuri Monastery to visit him, that I realize he is still the same as ever, still promoting Mahayana as fervent as ever before, if not even more so now .

When it is just the two of us, I look at his calm face and say quietly: “You seem to have recovered your spirits . ”

He returns my gaze and replies in an even tone: “Ten years is nothing but a number . If I keep myself busy by continuing to spread the way of the Buddha, ten years will pa.s.s in the blink of an eye . ”

He returns my gaze and replies in an even tone: “Ten years is nothing but a number . If I keep myself busy by continuing to spread the way of the Buddha, ten years will pa.s.s in the blink of an eye . ”

“What if she doesn’t return after ten years?”

“Then I will go the Central Plains . Even without the purpose of looking for her, I still need to go there and help liberate the people from their suffering . The teachings of the Buddha cannot just stop at Kucha . ”

Seeing the determined look in his eyes, I feel convinced that ten years will pa.s.s as quickly as he says . When he moves his arm, the sleeves get pulled up and reveal the faded prayer beads he still wears on his wrist . Does he plan on keeping them there for another ten years? If I was him, I definitely would not be able to live like this, forever waiting with dying hopes . Compared to him, I feel as though I have never truly learned what it means to love . I am nothing but an outsider to their relations.h.i.+p .

All of a sudden, he asks me: “Why did you clash with the king and make him so angry that he took away your post as a royal guard?”

The day I took my brothers [fellow royal guards] and Ai Qing to the Tagan Fort, it was actually my turn to take watch at the palace . Upon my return, I was only worried about her declining health and did not even go to the palace even once . The king summoned me numerous times but I paid no heed . It is only after she left that I finally turn up at the palace and take all the blame on behalf of my brothers .

“He only did that as a revenge, because he thinks I have been playing with his women . ” A corner of my mouth turns up at that . “Now that our father and mother are no longer around, he has nothing to fear . ”

“I will go and persuade him . ”

“I will go and persuade him . ”

“No need!” I swing my hand as I stand up . “I have grown tired of being a soldier anyway . ”

“Then from now on-”

“Who knows, perhaps I am more suited to being in the trades . ”

I step out of the Cakuri Monastery . Winter has arrived and the wind is biting cold . Looking at the grey sky ahead, I take a deep breath . Right now, you must be up in the heavens . Has your arm healed yet? Do you ever think of me?

I lift up the collar of my woollen robes, climb inside the carriage and tell the coach:

“To my uncle’s residence!”

____________________________________

Chapter 37 Pusysdeva s Side Story Part 3 T N Note that this chapter is written in Pusysdeva s perspective . After thinking through, I become extremely regretful of what I did that day . I didn t know about her injuries, and my boorish actions had only served to undo all my previous efforts in gaining her affection . After we return to the State Preceptor s Residence, she starts to avoid me like the plague . It is all my fault . Just when I thought she has finally become accustomed to my touches, I went and did that But I have no time to dwell on the topic any further as father has fallen ill . I thought to myself that I will properly apologize to her after father recovers . But father did not make through that illness . My beloved father pa.s.ses away, bringing with him all the pain and sorrow from missing my mother . I did not feel much when my mother died, but the pain of losing my father stayed with me for a long while . It is only now that I finally understand father s woes, having fallen in love at last . I should have listened to father more when he was alive, instead of doing things that made him upset . Unfortunately, he died without seeing my sincere remorse . I propose to her, even though the past month has told me that there is no place for me in her heart . I want to give her the one thing my brother cannot . But it s too late . I cannot win, have never once won in fact . There is a hollow feeling in my chest as I listen to her admitting her love for him . Ai Qing, you taught me what romantic love is, but just when I have finally learned how to love, you then tell me that you have never loved me . During the time I wait for her return from Subas.h.i.+ City, I think long and hard about many things . She chooses to leave because she wants him to make his aspirations come true . I am not that great of a person . I love her so I will find every way possible to make her stay . Time can change everything . With that thought, I decide to steal her bracelet . The Han has a legend about a celestial fairy who descended to the earth one day and had her clothes stolen by a mortal man as she was bathing in a lake . Without her clothes, she could not return to the heavens, and so she stayed with the man not knowing he was the thief and married him . I hope that legend is real . T N It isn t, you foolish boy . And even if it is a real story, a relations.h.i.+p based on lies can never last . Just ask the Han on the ending to that story . As it turns out, she really cannot return to the heavens without that bracelet . I then arrange for her to come with me to see the Tagan Fort . Unfortunately, she gets injured once again . I cry when the physician announces that her arm has become too infected and amputation will be necessary if she wants to preserve her life . This is no doubt the punishment for going against the heavens and trying to force a celestial being to stay here . But why did the punishment fall on her and not on me I am willing to give up my arm for her . I cannot bear to see her suffering like this . I have given it a lot of thought before deciding to send someone to find him . When I saw her looking at those sketches, I knew I have totally lost . I have lost since ten years ago . If that s the case, I might as well fulfill her wishes . All that matters is easing her suffering Unfortunately, we are unable to stall for any more time . Her injuries can only be healed by returning to the heavens . I give her back the bracelet and a.s.sist her in putting on that strange outfit, and then help her gather all her belongings into that unfathomably deep bag . From now on, with the heaven and earth separating us, I will never be able to see her again . I will never be able to find that warmth and sincerity in anyone else . But I must let go, for this celestial being has never belonged to me . I leave one final mark on her forehead as a goodbye and gaze at her one last time while standing at the doors . One day up there equals ten years down here . This time, I must not forget how she looks like . By the time she returns, I might become an old man with grey hair, toothless and hazy eyed, but I hope she would still recognize me then . I close the doors and step back into the courtyard . I lift my head up and gaze at the sky, where she will soon return to . With tears streaming down my face, I tell myself, I must live well, because I am no longer a child anymore . The outer gates suddenly burst open . He stumbles through, his face deathly pale . One look at my face is enough to have him rus.h.i.+ng forward to her room . I try to hold him back with all my might, recalling her words about how no one must look directly at the light that emits when she leaves . Unable to overcome my strength, there is nothing else he can do except crying out her name at the doors . It s a kind of wail that resembles a piercing scream, one that is filled with so much helplessness and despair that even I am shocked by its intensity . In that moment, I realize there is no point in being jealous of him . He is just like me . Just another poor soul who is unable to actualize his love . When we step into the room afterwards, I have a sudden panicking thought Did she really exist Or was she merely an illusion in my heart The Buddha says that all things are empty of intrinsic existence and nature what about her His hands tremble as he picks up the drawings on the table . There is blood on them, which has dried into dark crimson, but even still they cannot cover her bright pure smile . He collapses onto the bed and drops his head on top of the drawings, his shoulders clearly shaking . I leave the room in silence, look up at the sky and take a deep breath, then set off searching for my uncle Bai Zhen . I must live well until she returns . He ends up meditating in her room for three days straight . I instruct the servants to bring him food every day but leave him undisturbed otherwise . Whenever people from the palace or the temple come looking for him, I make up excuses that he is ill and needs to rest . I am now the head of the family, so I must look after everything and everyone in the household, and that includes him . He finally emerges from the room three days after, looking much more frail than usual, but his eyes are still as clear as ever . The two of them, despite the difference in eye colours, both share the same aura and purity in their gaze . I may not lose to him when it comes to appearances, but I can never possess that kind of clarity in my gaze, the kind that only people with pure souls like him can have . I have thought that such an incident would cause him to fall off path, that it would prove to be too much of a blow and he would no longer be able to follow the way of the Buddha . But it is not until some time later, when I go to the Cakuri Monastery to visit him, that I realize he is still the same as ever, still promoting Mahayana as fervent as ever before, if not even more so now . When it is just the two of us, I look at his calm face and say quietly You seem to have recovered your spirits . He returns my gaze and replies in an even tone Ten years is nothing but a number . If I keep myself busy by continuing to spread the way of the Buddha, ten years will pa.s.s in the blink of an eye . What if she doesn t return after ten years Then I will go the Central Plains . Even without the purpose of looking for her, I still need to go there and help liberate the people from their suffering . The teachings of the Buddha cannot just stop at Kucha . Seeing the determined look in his eyes, I feel convinced that ten years will pa.s.s as quickly as he says . When he moves his arm, the sleeves get pulled up and reveal the faded prayer beads he still wears on his wrist . Does he plan on keeping them there for another ten years If I was him, I definitely would not be able to live like this, forever waiting with dying hopes . Compared to him, I feel as though I have never truly learned what it means to love . I am nothing but an outsider to their relations.h.i.+p . All of a sudden, he asks me Why did you clash with the king and make him so angry that he took away your post as a royal guard The day I took my brothers fellow royal guards and Ai Qing to the Tagan Fort, it was actually my turn to take watch at the palace . Upon my return, I was only worried about her declining health and did not even go to the palace even once . The king summoned me numerous times but I paid no heed . It is only after she left that I finally turn up at the palace and take all the blame on behalf of my brothers . He only did that as a revenge, because he thinks I have been playing with his women . A corner of my mouth turns up at that . Now that our father and mother are no longer around, he has nothing to fear . I will go and persuade him . No need I swing my hand as I stand up . I have grown tired of being a soldier anyway . Then from now on Who knows, perhaps I am more suited to being in the trades . I step out of the Cakuri Monastery . Winter has arrived and the wind is biting cold . Looking at the grey sky ahead, I take a deep breath . Right now, you must be up in the heavens . Has your arm healed yet Do you ever think of me I lift up the collar of my woollen robes, climb inside the carriage and tell the coach To my uncle s residence