The Kitchen God's Wife Part 13

I met Helen maybe two weeks after we arrived in Hangchow. She was also very young, maybe eighteen, and I heard she was also newly married-no, not to my brother. But I will get to that later.

I had noticed her many times before-in the dining hall, or around the monastery grounds, where we both walked, or in the city below, shopping for meat and vegetables at the open stands. All the women in the monastery noticed one another, because there were only six of us. Most of the pilots were very young, really just boys, so only a few had wives. And the American advisors did not have their wives or girlfriends with them, although sometimes they brought a bad local girl to their rooms. It was always the same girl, I heard later, because five of the Americans caught her same disease, a type of invisible body lice that everybody said now lived in the bathhouse.

In fact, it was because of that girl and her lice that I met Helen. None of the wives wanted to use the bathhouse anymore, even after the monks claimed it had been disinfected. We had heard that it was impossible to kill this lice. And if a woman caught it, no one could tell the difference between her and a prost.i.tute. Because then she would be constantly scratching between her legs, and the only relief she could get was if a man scratched her further between her legs.

I was thinking how I would then have to truly beg my husband. And of course, I was also remembering that time on Tsungming Island when I was bitten by fleas, how I had scratched myself, shouting "Yangsele!" How this kind of behavior was just like that of an unfaithful wife, one who itched for s.e.x so much she would allow herself to become just like a prost.i.tute-to Chinese, Americans, lepers, it didn't matter. This was common knowledge among young women about to be married. Of course, we believed these things. Who else could tell us otherwise? You think I was the only stupid one?

So all of us-the five women and myself-decided not to use the bathhouse anymore. Instead, one of the wives-a stuck-up girl who complained about every little thing-found an extra room that had once been used to store the dragon-welt tea leaves brought down from the mountainside. The floor was still covered with old leaves from many harvests ago. And there was a woodstove in one comer that had been used to dry the leaves. We decided immediately to use this stove to heat the room and make it better than the bathhouse. Using the drying lines already stretched across the room, we draped sheets to make a part.i.tion.

And then we took turns, one of us boiling water, two of us running back and forth between the tea-drying room and the kitchen at the other end of the building, carrying buckets of hot water and boiled cloths. The other three would sit on stools behind the sheets, dipping the cloths into the washbasins, wiping their bodies down. The water would trickle down to the floor and onto the leaves. The steam would rise from the buckets on the floor. And soon the air was the scent of dragon-well tea. We would all breathe and sigh, breathe and sigh, letting this fragrant dew fall on our faces.

So we did not mind about the bathhouse. Even the stuck-up girl laughed and said she was glad the Americans had caught this disease. And every evening I now felt I had an important job, as I carried those buckets of hot water to and from the kitchen with a girl named Hulan.

That's what Helen used to be called: Hulan.

So you see, Helen is not my sister-in-law. She is not your real auntie. How could I tell you this, that I met her during the war in China? When you were little, you didn't even know there was a war in China! You thought World War Two started at a place in Hawaii with your same name, Pearl Harbor. I tried to tell you, but you were always correcting me. You said, "Oh, Mommy, that's Chinese history. This is American history." It's true, it's true. You told me that once. If I told you Auntie Helen was not your auntie, maybe you would have corrected me about that too! See, you're still trying to correct me.

Anyway, this is the truth. I met Helen in that bathhouse. And she was called Hulan. And the first few evenings I did not say very much to her, perhaps only to ask her every now and then, "Is the water already hot enough?"

She was the wife of a vice-captain, Wen Fu's boss. So I thought I should be careful what I said to her, not complain about our living conditions or say that I wished I could stay in Hangchow forever. She might think I didn't want our pilots to pa.s.s their training.

But from the beginning she was very friendly, even announced out loud to me that the monks were not very clean, that they were actually very dirty, because she had found toenails and bits of hair behind her bed. I did not agree or disagree, although I too had found dirty things behind my bed, also on the walls.

And then she told me that her husband, whose name was Long Jiaguo, had complained that the training was still not going well. She said the Americans had many disagreements with the Chinese leaders. And now there was talk of sending everyone to an Italian training camp in Loyang. She said that would be terrible, because Loyang was a sad place to live, a city of only two seasons: floods and dust storms. And while it had once been famous for its hundred thousand Buddha statues, in recent years most of the Buddhas had had their heads cut off. So going to a place filled with wounded Buddhas could only bring the air force the worst kind of luck.

I wondered how she knew this about Loyang, whether she had come from a village near there. She spoke in a slow but loud manner, with a countryside accent I could not identify. And all her movements were large and clumsy, not refined at all. If she dropped a hairpin, she would simply bend over with her bottom sticking out, pick up the pin, and poke it back anyplace in her hair. When she walked, she took big, wide steps, swinging her arms, just like someone who had always carried two buckets of water back and forth for someone else.

Really, she had the manners of a village servant. And this made me wonder how she had come to marry a vice-captain, someone who was educated and handsome, certainly from a refined family. I had known other girls who had been born poor, who had later married well. But their beauty had been exceptional, and their mothers-in-law had quickly trained them how to behave properly.

Hulan could not be called pretty, even if you judged her with an old-fas.h.i.+oned eye. She was plump, but not in that cla.s.sical way of a peach whose pink skin is nearly bursting with sweetness. Her plumpness was round and overflowing in uneven spots, more like a steamed dumpling with too much filling leaking out of the sides. She had thick ankles and large hands, and feet as broad as boat paddles. While she had cut her hair in a popular Western style-parted deep on one side like this, combed back smooth, and curled halfway down-she had applied the curling sticks to her hair unevenly. So here it was lumpy, there it was flat. And she had no sense of fas.h.i.+on, none at all. One day I saw her wearing a Western-style flowery dress on top of a yellow Chinese dress that hung down like a too long slip. On top of this she wore a sweater she had knit, with the sleeves too short. She looked just like laundry hung out to dry.

I am not being critical in remembering her features just because I am angry with her now. Why am I angry? Because she wanted to tell you my story, throw everything into the open before she died. Of course I would have told you eventually myself. I was waiting for the right moment. And you see, now you are here and I am telling you everything.

Anyway, even though I am angry I can remember many good things about Hulan as well. Yes, her eyes were kind-looking, big and open. And her cheeks were nicely rounded, pus.h.i.+ng in her mouth to make it seem small and sweet. And she had a nice-shaped chin, not too big, not weak-looking either. And she was honest. Most important, she was honest, spoke frankly, never tried to hide her feelings.

Or maybe this was not honesty, but foolishness, a lack of modesty, no understanding of when to hide herself. Yes, that's how she was. Show everything, doesn't matter!

Look how she was. When we washed together every evening, she sat on the stool with her legs wide open like this, scrubbing herself vigorously-her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, under her arms, under her legs, between her legs, her backside, the crease of her bottom-until her skin was covered with red streaks. And then she would get on her hands and knees, just like a dog, and naked like that, she would dip her hair into the basin of cloudy hot water left over from her bath.

I was embarra.s.sed for her-and for myself, knowing this was the way I appeared to my husband every night. I tried not to look at her. I would pretend to be busy was.h.i.+ng myself, my thin arms folded in front of my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, one large cloth over my lap, while I used another cloth to wash what was underneath without showing any obvious motions. But I could not stop myself from watching Hulan. How ugly she looked this way. And then I would see how she was thras.h.i.+ng her head back and forth in the basin like a crazy woman, how she lifted her head, squeezed her hair with her strong arms, twisting it like a mop. Then she would stand up, poke a towel in her ear, wipe her nose, and rub herself all over, laughing at me and saying, "Look at you! Your water is going to evaporate before you finish with your bath."

Soon after we met each other in the tea room bathhouse, Hulan and I began to take walks together. It was always Hulan's idea to look for the strangest things. She would mention she had heard about an interesting site, that she learned this from another wife, or a pilot, or a shopkeeper in town. She seemed to talk to everyone, asking what was unusual to see. One time she had heard about a magic spring.

"The water from this spring," she said, "is heavy as gold, sweet as honey, but clear as gla.s.s. If you look into the pool you can see your face, just like in a mirror. If you look another way, you can see the bottom of the pool, covered with black rocks. I heard you can fill a cup with this water, then drop the black rocks into the cup to try to make the water overflow. But not a drop will spill out, it is that thick! A monk told me this."

But when we reached that spring, it turned out to be only a teahouse that charged a lot of money for a strange-flavored drink. Hulan drank that tea and said it was truly magic. It ran through her blood, immediately entered her heart and her liver, then made her feel completely peaceful. But I think she was only sleepy for her usual noontime nap.

Another time, she said she knew of a place in town that served a noodle soup called "cat's ears," and in the window of this restaurant were half a dozen cats with their ears cut off-proof that the restaurant used only the best ingredients. But we could never find the place. And later I heard that "cat's ears" was only a local expression for wonton soup.

I began to think that people liked to fool Hulan, to watch her mouth drop open as they told her fantastic lies, to laugh behind her back. I felt sorry for her, so sorry that I did not want to be the first to tell her the truth, that somebody had only made a big joke on her. But later I became annoyed. I thought she was only pretending to be so innocent, so willing to believe when someone said, Go see the white snake with the figure of a lady. Go see the cave with the singing flutes. And when she invited me to see these things, I began to give her excuses, that I was tired, or my stomach did not feel well, or my feet were too swollen that day to walk so far. I said these same excuses so often they became true. Daomei thinking.

That is how it was between Hulan and me. She grew a field of hope from a little seed of imagination. And although I did not know this, from all my excuses, I began to grow a baby.

10.

LOYANG LUCK.

And then the war began, and I did not know this either. Now you must think your mother is a stupid person-didn't even know a war had started.

But you should know, if I was this way, many people were this way-not stupid, only ignorant. n.o.body told you anything back then. And you didn't know where to go for official information, who to ask. Our husbands didn't tell us. We could only overhear.

And if you read something in the newspaper, you couldn't trust it, not one hundred percent. The newspapers reported only what the government wanted you to hear, just a little bit, only good things about their side, bad things about the other. I am not just talking about what they do in China today. It was already this way during the war, even before that. Maybe it's always been that way, keeping people ignorant, like some kind of strange custom, although n.o.body calls it that.

So we got most of our information through gossip, pa.s.sed from one mouth to another. We did not talk about the fighting so much. We talked about how we were directly affected, just like what you do here-if the stock market is up or down, if prices are up or down, what you can't buy anymore, that sort of thing.

Of course, now when I look back, I know what started the world war. You thought it started in Europe? You see, maybe you are ignorant too. It started in China, with a late-night shooting up north in Peking, a few people killed, but the j.a.panese were beaten back.

You didn't know that? Even I knew that. But of course, when I heard it, I didn't think too much about it. This kind of small fighting had been growing inside China for many years. So it seemed like it was only a small change, like the change within the summer season, when we all began to complain about the heat earlier in the morning than the day before. That is how I remember the start of the war, only the weather, the hot damp making my mind move as slowly as my legs.

During that time, Hulan and I could think of nothing but which dishes to eat to cool us inside out. We were busy fanning ourselves, or chasing away biting flies with a ta.s.sel. In the daytime we did nothing except drink hot tea, take cool baths and long naps, or sit on a veranda, moving our chairs farther back as the sun moved across the sky and ate up our shade.

I was often sick or too irritable to talk. Hulan chattered like a noisy bird. She said she knew exactly why I was not feeling well: "The food they serve, nothing is fresh, and all the same sour taste," she said.

And when I did not answer, she continued with other complaints. "Down there," she said, pointing toward the city, "it is worse, as steamy-filthy as a lice-infested bathhouse. Down there, the stink from the waterways can shrivel your nostrils." This kind of talking did not help my stomach.

In the evenings, the pilots and advisors would return to the monastery for dinner. We all ate in the same big hall. But the Americans would eat their own kind of food, perspiring into their plates. Too much heavy food, the rest of us always whispered, for such hot weather. I was sick just to see it.

Hulan and Jiaguo would eat with Wen Fu and me. We ate many dinners together like this, and I remember thinking how different Hulan's husband was from mine. He was older than Wen Fu, perhaps by ten years or more. And because he was Wen Fu's boss, the vice-captain, he was certainly more powerful. And yet he was not.

One night we heard Hulan scolding Jiaguo, telling him not to eat this or that because of his bowel condition. Another night she announced she had found the book that his absentminded self had misplaced. Still another time, she said she had washed his dirty laundry that day, but the stain on his pants did not come out.

And hearing all this, Wen Fu and I would look at Jiaguo to see what explosion would follow. Wen Fu had told me that Jiaguo had a boiling-point temper, that he once threw a chair at another pilot, missing him by only one hair. But each time Hulan scolded him, Jiaguo did not seem angry or embarra.s.sed. He ignored her, that's what it looked like to me. He would continue to eat, answering, "Anh, anh, anh," as Hulan made one remark after another.

If Wen Fu could have forbidden me to see Hulan, he would have, I'm sure. But how could he tell me not to be friendly to his boss's wife? So instead, he often had bad words to say about Hulan. "A woman like that," he said, "is a wh.o.r.e and a fox-devil, all mixed into one. I would rather have a dead wife than a wife like that."

I said nothing. But secretly, I envied Hulan, that her husband was so lenient to her, even though she was not a very good wife. At the same time, I did not admire Jiaguo. I pitied him, all his weaknesses exposed in front of others like that. Of course, I did not know then the true story about their marriage, why he had to let her be this way.

After dinner, all the men, Americans and Chinese alike, would remain in the hall and play cards. If we women went outside to find a breeze, mosquitoes would immediately cry with joy to see us-zzzs! zzzs!-and chase us back inside. So Hulan and the other women and I usually remained inside. We would watch the men play, amid the smell of cigarettes and cigars, foreign sweat, and Chinese whiskey.

Watching like that, I learned that my husband was very popular with the other men. One man would always save him a seat at the table closest to a ceiling fan. Another would always offer him a drink or a cigarette. And Wen Fu would reward them by laughing out loud, very loud, while banging his hand on the table. The other men would begin laughing too, pounding too.

One time I saw Wen Fu jump up and announce, "Want to know what the American instructor taught me today?" And two other men cheered him on, then laughed with tears in their eyes as he puffed his chest out, hands on hips, and swayed back and forth, barking out nonsense.

I saw how his boldness, his recklessness, made other men want to be the same way. He acted as if he were already a hero: never can lose, no matter how dangerous. And the others must have believed that by being in his company, by laughing his big laugh, this feeling could swell in their lungs as well.

But he also scared them, made them feel his danger. I saw this too. One time he leapt up from the table, so angry, and everyone became alarmed. He was shouting at a young man opposite him, tapping the man's cards already showing on the table, and asking repeatedly, "Are you throwing tricks at me? Are these really your cards?" And the young man-in fact, all the men at that table-were unable to move or speak as my husband continued to shout. And then, while he was still standing, both hands leaning on the table, he suddenly smiled.

"Good, then." And he threw down his cards-"Wah!"-his winning hand. The men stared at each other, then roared with laughter and slapped the accused man on the back, while congratulating my husband on his good joke.

Hulan, Jiaguo, the other men in the room-they all thought Wen Fu was clever, so funny, so charming. I laughed out loud too, a nervous laugh. I saw that my husband did this laughing-scaring game not just with me, but with his friends. And I also began to see that what he did was wrong, cruel, but no one else seemed to see this.

So maybe I was not so ignorant. The other pilots-they were smart, they were nice people. But they didn't see what I could see: He accused and tormented, shouted and threatened. And just at that point when you did not know which way to move, he took the danger away, became kind and forgiving, laughing and happy. Back and forth, this way and that.

Of course, we were confused, fooled into thinking we always wanted to please him. And when we did not, we tried hard to win back his good nature, afraid we would be lost without it.

During the summer afternoons, the sky would often darken, then thunder would come. Whenever we heard this, Hulan and I would hurry and gather together a small hamper of food, our embroidery, that sort of thing. This was like an adventure!

We would walk quickly up the pathway behind the monastery, up three terraces of steps, until we had reached the little outdoor pavilion sitting atop a mound with the wet-green hills in back, the lake below, and the festering city beyond that. And in that tiny heaven we would watch the world being washed down, until we could no longer see the city or the hills, only the soft gray curtain of rain surrounding us completely.

This pavilion reminded me of the greenhouse on the island. It made me homesick-although not for the house where Uncle, Old Aunt, and New Aunt lived. I was longing to be back at that place where I had hidden myself, where I pretended to be lost, where I imagined somebody would find me. I was remembering my poor little broken treasures: my mother's painting, the wings of a b.u.t.terfly that crumbled into dust, a dried flower bulb that I once watered every day, thinking it would grow into a fairy maiden who could be my playmate.

Of course I did not tell Hulan these childish thoughts. We sat quietly in the pavilion, like two proper married ladies. But I also think we were both pulling from our own memories, trying to recall how it was that we had lost our girlhood so quickly.

I remember one afternoon in particular when we sat in that little world. The lightning came, and the rain fell, faster and stronger every minute as if it would never stop. It seemed unnatural for rain to fall so hard and for so long. When two hours had pa.s.sed, we became nervous, although we tried not to show this.

"We have to go back soon," said Hulan, "even if the rain keeps falling."

"Well, what can we do, then? Can't worry it to stop, that's for certain," I said.

"Who said anything about worry? You are looking at someone who lived with floods all her life. The water used to come up to my waist before I'd think about moving my teacup off the table."

While waiting for the rain to stop, I searched through an old Shanghai newspaper I had found in the dining hall a few days before. So many good stories: A famous actress was involved in a big scandal. A Russian Jewish singer had just arrived from Manchukuo and was singing in a benefit play. Money had been stolen from a bank, the same one robbed just two weeks back. A British horse named Go the Extra Mile had won a race the week before.

An advertis.e.m.e.nt claimed a medicine called Yellow could cure the brain of confusion and bad-luck thinking, worries and slow-mindedness. Old Aunt had once bought Uncle a bottle.

There was not very much news about fighting anywhere, only a big declaration from Chiang Kai-shek, saying China would not give up anything to j.a.pan, not even one more inch of land.

While reading, I would reach into my hamper of food, which had been quite full at the start. Perhaps it was my own nervousness about the war that had turned my appet.i.te upside down. I often did not know what I could eat until the moment I was hungry. One minute I wanted one thing, the next minute I could not swallow another bite, and in another minute-hungry again for something completely different! So I had packed a little of everything. And I ate a little of everything, a taste at a time, according to the desires of my tongue and the moods of my stomach. A salty dried fish, a sweet beef jerky, a sour-sweet pickled vegetable, and even a spicy cabbage that punished my mouth and steamed my eyes until tears poured out. Snacks, you would call them here.

And when even these different foods did not seem enough, I asked Hulan what she had brought to eat, if she had anything crisp and salty. That's when Hulan told me I was carrying a baby.

"I know this," she said, as if she had sent a hundred babies into this world. "It's a sure sign when something inside you is hungering for all the tastes of life. Probably a boy, judging by the demands of your appet.i.te."

When she told me this, I did not believe her. I was only nineteen, still growing myself. And Hulan was even younger than I was, so what did she know? I jumped up and put my hands over my hips, pressed them against my dress to see my stomach. Nothing, no baby's head pus.h.i.+ng to come through my belly b.u.t.ton. Yet I could feel something, so hungry for life it might devour me.

And then I thought, No, this is only my own unhappiness, always wanting something more, never happy with the life given me. Old Aunt had told me once that my mother had been this same way before she died: "Too strong inside here," and she had pointed to her stomach. "Never content, always looking for a pear when she already had ten plums to choose from."

"It is only a sour stomach," I said to Hulan. "All this waiting for something bad to happen."

"I'm telling you, it is a baby," said Hulan.

I shook my head.

"A baby," she said, nodding.

"Ai, you think I do not know my own body!"

"Tell me, then," she said. "When was your last bleeding?"

My face instantly became hot! She said that word aloud, the same as if talking about a cough, a headache, a bit of dust in the eye.

"What does this have to do with a baby!" I said, and Hulan folded her bottom lip into her mouth, trying not to laugh.

"Your mother, what did she tell you?" she asked.

And I was struggling to remember what Old Aunt had told me that morning I saw my first blood.

I had woken up, felt the stickiness, then pushed up my gown and looked at my legs. "Somebody chopped me off!" I murmured to Peanut, thinking this was a dream.

And Peanut saw the same blood and screamed. She leapt out of our bed and ran into the courtyard. "Hurry!" she cried. "Weiwei's been killed, same as her mother. She's already dead! Help me, help me!"

Old Aunt came running into the room, then New Aunt, two servants, my boy cousins, and after them the cook's helper, waving a cleaver in his hand. Old Aunt stepped close, took one look at me, but did not look concerned. She told everyone to leave, waving them out.

"Stop this crying," Old Aunt scolded when we were alone. New Aunt came back into the room with Peanut, who stared at me with big eyes.

"See, she's not dead," New Aunt said. She handed me some cloths.

"Listen carefully, both of you," said Old Aunt. "The bleeding is a sign. When a girl starts having unclean thoughts, her body must purge itself. That is why so much blood is coming out. Later, if a girl marries into the proper family chosen for her, if she becomes a good wife and loves her husband, this will stop." That's exactly what Old Aunt told me. And just as she predicted, once I became a good wife, the bleeding stopped.

"Pah!" Hulan said when I told her this, and then she spit on the ground. "Worthless words."

The rain kept pouring down around the pavilion. And that afternoon Hulan told me strange things that I did not believe. Why should I. She was the one who believed the most ridiculous ideas. She said that a woman-body built its own nest once a month. Impossible! She said that a baby came out from the same place a man-thing went in, not through the opening of the stomach. Nonsense talk!

And then she told me how she knew this. She said she had once helped a girl give birth to a baby. "I am telling you the truth," Hulan said. "I saw where the baby came out. Last year I saw this."

The girl, she said, had fallen in love with one of the pilots in Loyang, near the village where Hulan and her family lived.

"This poor girl was only looking for a chance to change her luck," said Hulan. "Lots of girls did that, hoping to catch a husband who would take them away. She was like every girl in that village, not very pretty, destined to marry an old farmer or the one-eyed pot-mender down the road, a life guaranteed with hard work, no hope for any kind of happiness. So when this girl met a pilot, of course she gave him her own body-for a chance, even a small chance, something to hold onto."

Hulan could tell I did not believe her. "Hard for you to imagine, I know," she said. "Your situation is so different. You always knew you would marry someone good, no worries like that." She said this as if she were accusing me. And that made me think, Maybe she did the same as that girl, gave her body to Jiaguo for a chance. Lucky for her, that chance turned into a husband.

"When the girl was about to have her baby," Hulan continued, "she asked me to walk with her to the pilot's house. She was hurting so much we had to stop often along the way. And then we arrived at the housing quarters. The pilot looked very angry to see her. He yelled at all the other men and told them to leave. I stood outside, but I heard everything.

"She begged the pilot to marry her. He would not. She promised his baby would be a son. He said he did not care. She said he could take her as a concubine, marry a real wife later. He refused again. Then she cried and became angry-had no shame left to hide. She shouted and told him she had no chances left in life. She had used them all up on him. She said she could never marry now. Everyone in the village knew she was bad merchandise. Her family would turn her out. And her baby would never have any chances in life, a future with no future.

"And then she became like a madwoman, screaming and wailing. I ran inside the house. She was hugging herself, cursing him. 'You might as well kill us both now. Better than letting us slowly starve. But after we die, we'll see you soon enough. We'll both pull you down from the sky!'

"That pilot got so angry hearing her death-curse. He slapped her hard, and she fell, hit her stomach against the arm of a chair, and rolled to the floor. That slap did not kill her. The arm of the chair did not kill her. But while she lay on the floor, her baby started to come. She screamed and groaned, tried to crawl backward like a crab. She was crying to the baby, 'Don't come out! No reason to come out!'

"The pilot and I ran to her. I pulled back her skirt and saw the top of the baby's head. And then the whole head popped out, with a rope wrapped around its neck. It looked as if it were covered with rice dust. The face was blue, the eyes squeezed shut. I tried to pull the baby out, to pull off the rope. I tried so hard. But the girl was moving too much. 'Lie still!' the pilot shouted to her. And she grabbed his hair, would not let go.

"Now all three of us were shouting and screaming, sharing so much misery. That baby was pulling her insides out. I was pulling that baby out. She was pulling the pilot's hair out. And after it seemed none of us could endure this any longer, she fell back and began to twitch. She rolled back and forth. Her whole body shook. She took a deep breath, sucking deep as if she could not drink enough of the air. She let her breath go. She breathed deeply once again, and then-nothing, no breath came out. How bad! Before one life could begin, the other ended. And that baby with his blue head sticking out of her body turned darker and then died."