An Ordinary Decent Criminal Part 18

She fumbled around in her desk and came up with a pamphlet that she pa.s.sed over.

"There are some other pamphlets around here. A landlord has to provide a fire alarm on each floor of the property. They have to make sure there are working locks on the exterior doors and they have to provide a written receipt when the rent is paid in cash. They have to guarantee the privacy of the tenant, they can't just barge in whenever they feel like it."

I listened and wondered whether there was anything the woman knew that was not neatly encapsulated in some pamphlet.

"And if there are problems between landlord and tenant?"

She drank some more water. Again, she didn't offer me any. "In that case the Residential Tenancies Branch will investigate and try to mediate. In other cases the police might be called or the Human Rights Commission, but that happens only in the rarest of circ.u.mstances."

I stood up and reached over to shake her limp, uncallused hand and barely repressed a shudder. "Well, thank you very, very much. I'll get back to you if I have any problems."

Then I left, wiping my hands on my pants as I went. In the foyer I went over to where I had been sitting and picked up the magazine I'd been looking at. I held it up until the receptionist noticed.

"Yes?"

"Can I take this with me?"

She looked startled. "No one has ever asked that before."

She thought about it while I stood there.

"I suppose you could, I mean, it's just one magazine. Why do you want it, though?"

When I held it open she could see the article I'd been reading. It was t.i.tled "Absolutely the World's Toughest Ten Fish" and was filled with pictures of improbably large fish being caught by very tired-looking men wearing very stupid clothes.

"Actually, I'm kind of embarra.s.sed but I can't put it down."

She read the t.i.tle silently and then favored me with a bright smile. "Wow."

"Yeah. Anyhow, if you let me take the magazine, I'll tell you something you may not realize."

"What?"

"Is it a deal?"

She raised and lowered her head just a little and I leaned in close.

"There's spinach between your teeth."

Laughing in the back of her throat, she reached up and touched the exact spot. "This? It's not spinach. I had an emerald inserted into the enamel of the tooth."

I looked closely. "Oh."

Finally, I was out of there. A half hour later I was on a random bus to shake any tail anyone had pinned on me. In my hand was a plastic grocery bag full of previously loved books and a vegetarian submarine sandwich for supper.

25.

By six o'clock that night I was receiving a kiss from my wife and dog while the mouse glared balefully at me from a dry aquarium tank placed carefully in the room's center.

No one offered so finally I had to ask. "Why is the mouse there?"

Claire kissed me again and smiled gently at the rodent. "He escaped from the cage in our room and tried to make a nest in the futon."

I walked over and looked at him through the plastic wall. His fur was matted and he was industriously licking it back into order.

"Why is the mouse wet?"

Claire linked her arm through mine.

"Well ..."

Renfield came over and sat down beside the aquarium and gave me a dimly lit dog-type smile.

"... I used the dog to catch the mouse."

"And, how did that go?"

The mouse glanced at the dog and then crawled into an empty toilet paper tube to sulk.

"Well. The dog was very good but he held the mouse in his mouth for quite some time. We had a Sylvester and Tweety moment of back-slapping to free the little b.u.g.g.e.r."

She went on brightly. "So. Are you hungry?"

"Not after that story. I have some work in the backyard if you want to help."

"Sure. Oh. I dropped off invitations to our neighbors on both sides and across the street, asking them to RSVP. We received another note at the front door, though."

Claire followed me as I retrieved the blowpipe from the bas.e.m.e.nt and headed up to the bathroom on the second floor. There was a narrow, little, dormer window there that overlooked the backyard and the panes of gla.s.s were tinted to provide privacy, but when the hinges were oiled they would open without too much difficulty. I opened one and rested the blowgun on the sill, which was covered in flaking white paint.

"What are you doing?"

The dart went into the end of the pipe and I put my lips in place. "I need some dark so I'm gonna shoot out that light on the telephone pole out there."

She looked over my shoulder. "No way. I'll give you two to one."

"Two to one what? s.e.x or money?"

She thought about it for a minute. "That really puts some meaning into the saying."

"Which saying?"

"Put your money where your whatever is. No, I need the money. I'll bet five bucks."

"You're on. Watch me. This is going to be the second easiest ten bucks I ever made ..."

I pointed and exhaled fast.

Chuff.

Nothing happened. I tried again twice more.

Chuff.

Chuff.

The light remained brightly s.h.i.+ning.

"Let me try."

I loaded it for her and she looked down the length the pipe.

"What are the darts made from?"

"This and that."

She looked at me suspiciously so I went on. "Okay. I used some of your darning needles. I'll replace them with the ten dollars I'm gonna win from you. Now you don't aim, you just point and ... You're doing it all wrong. Hold on a second."

Chuff.

I heard the tinkle of the dart hit the metal post the light was on and then I shut up. Claire reloaded and grinned at me.

"And for my next trick ..."

Chuff.

The light went out in a tinkle of gla.s.s and I went down to go to work, somewhat subdued. Halfway down the stairs, I figured out that I could take the money from Claire's purse and pay her that way.

In the backyard it was as dark as pitch and I stood listening as I thought about what I wanted. I certainly didn't want anyone to die. That would be bad. I also didn't want anyone to end up in the hospital, which would be bad as well. There was a bit of military doggerel I said under my breath as I prepared. "Mines and b.o.o.by traps can kill so be alert and stay alive ..."

I put the lengths of thin plastic down on the gra.s.s along with a carpet-cutting razor to cut them into strips.

"If possible, don't be in too much of a hurry ..."

Well, my neighbors would definitely be in a hurry and they wouldn't be looking for traps. I ran a length of thirty-pound-test monofilament line from one side of the yard to the other. It was maybe eight inches off the ground. I measured from that and scratched my head.

"Never take anything for granted: it might look harmless, but it might be a killer ..."

Figure the visitors were five feet plus tall. They'd come in over the fence and then head to the house fast and on their way they'd hit the line and trip. They'd go down and their arms would go forward to try to catch themselves so their hands would probably end up about ... here. I ran a single strand of barbed wire from one side of the yard to the other and thought about the wounds that would cause. If my visitors were lucky, they'd have teta.n.u.s shots kept up to date.

"Evidence of old camouflage may indicate mines and b.o.o.by traps ..."

If they missed the wire and line, then they'd reach the stairs and head up. All the notes had been left on the door or on the mat just before the door. I cut one length of plastic to fit exactly on one step and then hammered in the carpet tacks in an irregular pattern pointed up. When I was done, I spray-painted it black and let it dry.

"Suspect all objects that appear loose or out of place ..."

Almost forgot about that one. I took a five-dollar bill from my pocket and put it beside a paving stone leading up to the back porch. It looked good there so I dug a little hole underneath it and put in the big rat trap with a thread running from the bill to the trigger.

"Always look for trip wires ..."

A second and third monofilament line went on both sides of the house in case the neighbor went that way. I'd collected some of Renfield's bowel movements so I scattered those on both sides of the line and then went back to the yard.

"Never bunch up and become a good target for command detonated mines ..."

I took some shards of broken gla.s.s from some water gla.s.ses broken during the move and crushed them fine with a rock. Then I cut one of the plastic strips into a half-inch-wide length and emptied a tube of glue on it. Before it hardened, I dribbled the gla.s.s onto the surface and then put that aside to set. When it was done, I'd spray paint it white and put it on my side of the fence where I'd seen my neighbor climb over.

"Destroy mines and b.o.o.by traps in place or mark, report, and leave them alone ..."

Small plastic tiles cut from the strips served to hold more nails pointed upwards and I scattered forty or so of them across the yard, after giving each a quick shot of black paint. They'd be invisible at night and easily picked up during the day.

"Before cutting trip wires, check both ends for b.o.o.by traps ..."

I coated some lengths of the fis.h.i.+ng line in more glue and draped them in the bushes near the end of the yard. The glue would dry on the surface and make a film that would remain sticky, and anyone disturbing it should pick up a memento. It would be annoying and embarra.s.sing but hardly lethal.

"Objects should not be disturbed without checking for b.o.o.by traps ..."

I tied both ends of the glued line to some empty cans and dropped a few pebbles into each can. With luck, the noise would scare the neighbors and they'd run, which would make more noise so they'd run faster, which would make more noise and so on.

"Only the enemy's imagination limits his use of mines and b.o.o.by traps ..."

With the plastic end of the can of black spray paint removed, it would spray in all directions, so I took it off and then placed it in a hole under one of the paving stones. Small clumps of earth held the stone in place at each corner but stepping on it would still give a healthy dose of paint out each side. It would also make a h.e.l.l of a loud hiss, and strange noises and sights in the night are discouraging to the untrained.

"Be especially careful in areas where you are expected to slow down, bunch up, or become a good target ..."

I made running nooses in four lengths of the line and hung them under the windows around back, just in case anyone decided to come look in. I tied them off with two yards of line to nails driven into the windowsill. If they looked in, then they'd probably get their hands caught and the reflex would be to yank them, which would close the noose, which would scare the snot out of anybody.

"You can learn a lot from the local people: seek their help locating mines and b.o.o.by traps."

More nooses went out in the yard, these about a yard around to catch feet and tied to pieces of sharpened dowel I pushed into the ground to act as anchors.

"Trails and roads should be suspected: check refilled holes, areas covered with straw, littered with dung, pavement repairs, and other suspicious spots ..."

With that done I tied a piece of plastic stripping into a circle about six inches in diameter. In each strip I pushed nails through and angled down so that anyone reaching through would be fine until they withdrew their hand; then they'd get nails in the wrist. These went around the stakes the foot nooses were attached to.

"Report mines and b.o.o.by traps immediately ..."

Of course, there was a way out-they'd have to release the stake, though, and then they'd still be stuck by a noose attaching their leg to the ground and they'd also have a bunch of small holes in their wrists.

"Always check your area for evidence of mines and b.o.o.by traps when you set up your defenses ..."

I went around and scattered dirt and leaves over my works.

"Probe gingerly when mines are suspected; don't depend solely on mine detectors ..."