A Budget of Paradoxes Volume I Part 34

_Le Verrier._--Lord, yes, your wors.h.i.+p; no man who had a drop in him ever looks so cold as he did.

_M. Arago._--Did you see the a.s.sault?

_Le Verrier._--I can't say I did; but I told Brunnow exactly how he'd be crouched down;--just as he was.

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_M. Arago (to Brunnow)._--Did _you_ see the a.s.sault?

_Brunnow._--No, your wors.h.i.+p; but I caught the prisoner.

_M. Arago._--How did you know there was any a.s.sault at all?

_Le Verrier._--I reckoned it couldn't be otherwise, when I saw the prosecutor making those odd turns on the pavement.

_M. Arago._--You reckon and you calculate! Why, you'll tell me, next, that you policemen may sit at home and find out all that's going on in the streets by arithmetic. Did you ever bring a case of this kind before me till now?

_Le Verrier._--Why, you see, your wors.h.i.+p, the police are growing cleverer and cleverer every day. We can't help it:--it grows upon us.

_M. Arago._--You're getting too clever for me. What does the prosecutor know about the matter?

The prosecutor said, all he knew was that he was pulled behind by somebody several times. On being further examined, he said that he had seen the prisoner often, but did not know his name, nor how he got his living; but had understood he was called Neptune. He himself had paid rates and taxes a good many years now. Had a family of six,--two of whom got their own living.

The prisoner being called on for his defence, said that it was a quarrel.

He had pushed the prosecutor--and the prosecutor had pushed him. They had known each other a long time, and were always quarreling;--he did not know why. It was their nature, he supposed. He further said, that the prosecutor had given a false account of himself;--that he went about under different names. Sometimes he was called Ura.n.u.s, sometimes Herschel, and sometimes Georgium Sidus; and he had no character for regularity in the neighborhood.

Indeed, he was sometimes not to be seen for a long time at once.

The prosecutor, on being asked, admitted, after a little hesitation, that he had pushed and pulled the prisoner too. {392} In the altercation which followed, it was found very difficult to make out which began:--and the worthy magistrate seemed to think they must have begun together.

_M. Arago._--Prisoner, have you any family?

The prisoner declined answering that question at present. He said he thought the police might as well reckon it out whether he had or not.

_M. Arago_ said he didn't much differ from that opinion.--He then addressed both prosecutor and prisoner; and told them that if they couldn't settle their differences without quarreling in the streets, he should certainly commit them both next time. In the meantime, he called upon both to enter into their own recognizances; and directed the police to have an eye upon both,--observing that the prisoner would be likely to want it a long time, and the prosecutor would be not a hair the worse for it."

This quib was written by a person who was among the astronomers: and it ill.u.s.trates the fact that Le Verrier had sole possession of the field until Mr. Challis's letter appeared. Sir John Herschel's previous communication should have paved the way: but the wonder of the discovery drove it out of many heads. There is an excellent account of the whole matter in Professor Grant's[805] _History of Physical Astronomy_. The squib scandalized some grave people, who wrote severe admonitions to the editor. There are formalists who spend much time in writing propriety to journals, to which they serve as foolometers. In a letter to the _Athenaeum_, speaking of the way in which people hawk fine terms for common things, I said that these people ought to have a new translation of the Bible, which should contain the verse "gentleman and lady, created He them." The editor was handsomely fired and brimstoned!

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A NEW THEORY OF TIDES.

A new theory of the tides: in which the errors of the usual theory are demonstrated; and proof shewn that the full moon is not the cause of a concomitant spring tide, but actually the cause of the neaps.... By Comm^r. Debenham,[806] R.N. London, 1846, 8vo.

The author replied to a criticism in the _Athenaeum_, and I remember how, in a very few words, he showed that he had read nothing on the subject. The reviewer spoke of the forces of the planets (i.e., the Sun and Moon) on the ocean, on which the author remarks, "But N.B. the Sun is no planet, Mr.

Critic." Had he read any of the actual investigations on the usual theory, he would have known that to this day the sun and moon continue to be called _planets_--though the phrase is disappearing--in speaking of the tides; the sense, of course, being the old one, wandering bodies.

A large cla.s.s of the paradoxers, when they meet with something which taken in their sense is absurd, do not take the trouble to find out the intended meaning, but walk off with the words laden with their own first construction. Such men are hardly fit to walk the streets without an interpreter. I was startled for a moment, at the time when a recent happy--and more recently happier--marriage occupied the public thoughts, by seeing in a haberdasher's window, in staring large letters, an unpunctuated sentence which read itself to me as "Princess Alexandra! collar and cuff!"

It immediately occurred to me that had I been any one of some scores of my paradoxers, I should, no doubt, have proceeded to raise the mob against the unscrupulous person who dared to hint to a young bride such maleficent--or at least immellificent--conduct towards her new lord. But, as it was, certain material contexts in the shop window suggested a less {394} savage explanation. A paradoxer should not stop at reading the advertis.e.m.e.nts of Newton or Laplace; he should learn to look at the stock of goods.

I think I must have an eye for double readings, when presented: though I never guess riddles. On the day on which I first walked into the _Panizzi_ reading room[807]--as it ought to be called--at the Museum, I began my circuit of the wall-shelves at the ladies' end: and perfectly coincided in the propriety of the Bibles and theological works being placed there. But the very first book I looked on the back of had, in flaming gold letters, the following inscription--"Blast the Antinomians!"[808] If a line had been drawn below the first word, Dr. Blast's history of the Antinomians would not have been so fearfully misinterpreted. It seems that neither the binder nor the arranger of the room had caught my reading. The book was removed before the catalogue of books of reference was printed.

AN ASTRONOMICAL PARADOXER.

Two systems of astronomy: first, the Newtonian system, showing the rise and progress thereof, with a short historical account; the general theory with a variety of remarks thereon: second, the system in accordance with the Holy Scriptures, showing the rise and progress from Enoch, the seventh from Adam, the prophets, Moses, and others, in the first Testament; our Lord Jesus Christ, and his apostles, in the new or second Testament; Reeve and Muggleton, in the third and last Testament; with a variety of remarks thereon. By Isaac Frost.[809] London, 1846, 4to.

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A very handsomely printed volume, with beautiful plates. Many readers who have heard of Muggletonians have never had any distinct idea of Lodowick Muggleton,[810] the inspired tailor, (1608-1698) who about 1650 received his commission from heaven, wrote a Testament, founded a sect, and descended to posterity. Of Reeve[811] less is usually said; according to Mr. Frost, he and Muggleton are the two "witnesses." I shall content myself with one specimen of Mr. Frost's science:

"I was once invited to hear read over 'Guthrie[812] on Astronomy,' and when the reading was concluded I was asked my opinion thereon; when I said, 'Doctor, it appears to me that Sir I. Newton has only given two proofs in support of his theory of the earth revolving round the sun: all the rest is a.s.sertion without any proofs.'--'What are they?' inquired the Doctor.--'Well,' I said, 'they are, first, the power of {396} attraction to keep the earth to the sun; the second is the power of repulsion, by virtue of the centrifugal motion of the earth: all the rest appears to me a.s.sertion without proof.' The Doctor considered a short time and then said, 'It certainly did appear so.' I said, 'Sir Isaac has certainly obtained the credit of completing the system, but really he has only half done his work.'--'How is that,' inquired my friend the Doctor. My reply was this: 'You will observe his system shows the earth traverses round the sun on an inclined plane; the consequence is, there are four powers required to make his system complete:

1st. The power of _attraction_.

2ndly. The power of _repulsion_.

3rdly. The power of _ascending_ the inclined plane.

4thly. The power of _descending_ the inclined plane.

You will thus easily see the _four_ powers required, and Newton has only accounted for _two_; the work is therefore only half done.' Upon due reflection the Doctor said, 'It certainly was necessary to have these _four_ points cleared up before the system could be said to be complete.'"

I have no doubt that Mr. Frost, and many others on my list, have really encountered doctors who could be puzzled by such stuff as this, or nearly as bad, among the votaries of existing systems, and have been encouraged thereby to print their objections. But justice requires me to say that from the words "power of repulsion by virtue of the centrifugal motion of the earth," Mr. Frost may be suspected of having something more like a notion of the much-mistaken term "centrifugal force" than many paradoxers of greater fame. The Muggletonian sect is not altogether friendless: over and above this handsome volume, the works of Reeve and Muggleton were printed, in 1832, in three quarto volumes. See _Notes and Queries, 1st Series_, v, 80; 3d Series, iii, 303. {397}

[The system laid down by Mr. Frost, though intended to be substantially that of Lodowick Muggleton, is not so vagarious. It is worthy of note how very different have been the fates of two contemporary paradoxers, Muggleton and George Fox.[813] They were friends and a.s.sociates,[814] and commenced their careers about the same time, 1647-1650. The followers of Fox have made their sect an inst.i.tution, and deserve to be called the pioneers of philanthropy. But though there must still be Muggletonians, since expensive books are published by men who take the name, no sect of that name is known to the world. Nevertheless, Fox and Muggleton are men of one type, developed by the same circ.u.mstances: it is for those who investigate such men to point out why their teachings have had fates so different. Macaulay says it was because Fox found followers of more sense than himself. True enough: but why did Fox find such followers and not Muggleton? The two were equally crazy, to all appearance: and the difference required must be sought in the doctrines themselves.

Fox was not a _rational_ man: but the success of his sect and doctrines ent.i.tles him to a letter of alteration of the phrase which I am surprised has not become current. When Conduitt,[815] the husband of Newton's half-niece, wrote a circular to Newton's friends, just after his death, inviting them to bear their parts in a proper biography, he said, "As Sir I. Newton was a _national_ man, I think every one ought to contribute to a work intended to do him justice." Here is the very phrase which is often wanted to signify that {398} celebrity which puts its mark, good or bad, on the national history, in a manner which cannot be a.s.serted of many notorious or famous historical characters. Thus George Fox and Newton are both _national_ men. Dr. Roget's[816] _Thesaurus_ gives more than fifty synonyms--_colleagues_ would be the better word--of "_celebrated_," any one of which might be applied, either in prose or poetry, to Newton or to his works, no one of which comes near to the meaning which Conduitt's adjective immediately suggests.

The truth is, that we are too _monarchical_ to be _national_. We have the Queen's army, the Queen's navy, the Queen's highway, the Queen's English, etc.; nothing is national except the _debt_. That this remark is not new is an addition to its force; it has hardly been repeated since it was first made. It is some excuse that _nation_ is not vernacular English: the _country_ is our word, and _country man_ is appropriated.]

Astronomical Aphorisms, or Theory of Nature; founded on the immutable basis of Meteoric Action. By P. Murphy,[817] Esq. London, 1847, 12mo.

This is by the framer of the Weather Almanac, who appeals to that work as corroborative of his theory of planetary temperature, years after all the world knew by experience that this meteorological theory was just as good as the others.

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The conspiracy of the Bullionists as it affects the present system of the money laws. By Caleb Quotem. Birmingham, 1847, 8vo. (pp. 16).

This pamphlet is one of a cla.s.s of which I know very little, in which the effects of the laws relating to this or that political bone of contention are imputed to deliberate conspiracy of one cla.s.s to rob another of what the one knew ought to belong to the other. The success of such writers in believing what they have a bias to believe, would, if they knew themselves, make them think it equally likely that the inculpated cla.s.ses might really believe what it is _their_ interest to believe. The idea of a _guilty_ understanding existing among fundholders, or landholders, or any holders, all the country over, and never detected except by bouncing pamphleteers, is a theory which should have been left for Cobbett[818] to propose, and for Apella to believe.[819]

[_August_, 1866. A pamphlet shows how to pay the National Debt. Advance paper to railways, etc., receivable in payment of taxes. The railways pay interest and princ.i.p.al in money, with which you pay your national debt, and redeem your notes. Twenty-five years of interest redeems the notes, and then the princ.i.p.al pays the debt. Notes to be kept up to value by penalties.]