The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress Part 15

He wasn't in his courtroom though plug hat was on desk. Started to leave, only to be checked by group coming in, stilyagi types. A girl was with them, and an older man hustled by them. He was mussed, and clothing had that vague something that says "tourist."

We used to get tourists even then. Not hordes but quite a few. They would come up from Earth, stop in a hotel for a week, go back in same s.h.i.+p or perhaps stop over for next s.h.i.+p. Most of them spent their time gambling after a day or two of sightseeing including that silly walk up on surface every tourist makes. Most Loonies ignored them and granted them their foibles.

One lad, oldest, about eighteen and leader, said to me, "Where's judge?"

"Don't know. Not here."

He chewed lip, looked baffled. I said, "What trouble?"

He said soberly, "Going to eliminate his choom. But want judge to confirm it."

I said, "Cover taprooms here around. Probably find him."

A boy about fourteen spoke up. "Say! Aren't you Gospodin O'Kelly?"

"Right."

"Why don't you judge it."

Oldest looked relieved. "Will you, Gospodin?"

I hesitated. Sure, I've gone judge at times; who hasn't? But don't hanker for responsibility. However, it troubled me to hear young people talk about eliminating a tourist. Bound to cause talk.

Decided to do it. So I said to tourist, "Will you accept me as your judge?"

He looked surprised. "I have choice in the matter?"

I said patiently, "Of course. Can't expect me to listen if you aren't willing to accept my judging. But not urging you. Your life, not mine."

He looked very surprised but not afraid. His eyes lit up. "My life, did you say?"

"Apparently. You heard lads say they intend to eliminate you. You may prefer to wait for Judge Brody."

He didn't hesitate. Smiled and said, "I accept you as my judge, sir."

"As you wish." I looked at oldest lad. "What parties to quarrel? Just you and your young friend?"

"Oh, no, Judge, all of us."

"Not your judge yet." I looked around. "Do you all ask me to judge?"

Were nods; none said No. Leader turned to girl, added, "Better speak up, Tish. You accept Judge O'Kelly?"

"What? Oh, sure!" She was a vapid little thing, vacantly pretty, curvy, perhaps fourteen. Slot-machine type, and how she might wind up. Sort who prefers being queen over pack of stilyagi to solid marriage. I don't blame stilyagi; they chase around corridors because not enough females. Work all day and nothing to go home to at night.

"Okay, court has been accepted and all are bound to abide by my verdict. Let's settle fees. How high can you boys go? Please understand I'm not going to judge an elimination for dimes. So ante up or I turn him loose."

Leader blinked, they went into huddle. Shortly he turned and said, "We don't have much. Will you do it for five Kong dollars apiece?"

Six of them-"No. Ought not to ask a court to judge elimination at that price."

They huddled again. "Fifty dollars, Judge?"

"Sixty. Ten each. And another ten from you, Tish," I said to girl.

She looked surprised, indignant. "Come, come!" I said. "Tanstaafl."

She blinked and reached into pouch. She had money; types like that always have.

I collected seventy dollars, laid it on desk, and said to tourist, "Can match it?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Kids are paying seventy dollars Hong Kong for judgment. You should match it. If you can't, open pouch and prove it and can owe it to me. But that's your share." I added, "Cheap, for a capital case. But kids can't pay much so you get a bargain."

"I see. I believe I see." He matched with seventy Hong Kong.

"Thank you," I said. "Now does either side want a jury?" Girl's eyes lit up. "Sure! Let's do it right." Earthworm said, "Under the circ.u.mstances perhaps I need one."

"Can have it," I a.s.sured. "Want a counsel?"

"Why, I suppose I need a lawyer, too."

"I said 'counsel,' not 'lawyer.' Aren't any lawyers here." Again he seemed delighted. "I suppose counsel, if I elected to have one, would be of the same, uh, informal quality as the rest of these proceedings?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I'm informal sort of judge, that's all. Suit yourself."

"Mm. I think I'll rely on your informality, your honor."

Oldest lad said, "Uh, this jury. You pick up chit? Or do we?"

"I pay it; I agreed to judge for a hundred forty, gross. Haven't you been in court before? But not going to kill my net for extra I could do without. Six jurymen, five dollars each. See who's in Alley."

One boy stepped out and shouted, "Jury work! Five-dollar job!"

They rounded up six men and were what you would expect in Bottom Alley. Didn't worry me as had no intention of paying mind to them. If you go judge, better in good neighborhood with chance of getting solid citizens.

I went behind desk, sat down, put on Brody's plug hat-wondered where he had found it. Probably a castoff from some lodge. "Court's in session," I said. "Let's have names and tell me beef."

Oldest lad was named. Slim Lemke, girl war Patricia Carmen Zhukov; don't remember others. Tourist stepped up, reached into pouch and said, "My card, sir."

I still have it. It read: STUART RENE LaJOIE Poet-Traveler-Soldier of Fortune Beef was tragically ridiculous, fine example of why tourists should not wander around without guides. Sure, guides bleed them white-but isn't that what a tourist is for? This one almost lost life from lack of guidance.

Had wandered into a taproom which lets stilyagi hang out, a sort of clubroom. This simple female had flirted with him. Boys had let matter be, as of course they had to as long as she invited it. But at some point she had laughed and let him have a fist in ribs. He had taken it as casually as a Loonie would . . . but had answered in distinctly earthworm manner; slipped arm around waist and pulled her to him, apparently tried to kiss her.

Now believe me, in North America this wouldn't matter; I've seen things much like it. But of course Tish was astonished, perhaps frightened. She screamed.

And pack of boys set upon him and roughed him up. Then decided he had to pay for his "crime"-but do it correctly. Find a judge.

Most likely they chickened. Chances are not one had ever dealt with an elimination. But their lady had been insulted, had to be done.

I questioned them, especially Tish, and decided I had it straight. Then said, "Let me sum up. Here we have a stranger. Doesn't know our ways. He offended, he's guilty. But meant no offense far as I can see. What does jury say? Hey, you there!--wake up! What you say?"

Juryman looked up blearily, said, "'Liminate him!"

"Very well? And you?"

"Well-" Next one hesitated. "Guess it would be enough just to beat tar out of him, so he'll know better next time. Can't have men pawing women, or place will get to be as bad as they say Terra is."

"Sensible," I agreed. "And you?"

Only one juror voted for elimination. Others ranged from a beating to very high fines.

"What do you think, Slim?"

"Well-" He was worried-face in front of gang, face in front of what might be his girl. But had cooled down and didn't want chum eliminated. "We already worked him over. Maybe if he got down on hands and knees and kissed floor in front of Tish and said he was sorry?"

"Will you do that, Gospodin LaJoie?"

"If you so rule, your honor."

"I don't. Here's my verdict. First that juryman-you!--you are fined fee paid you because you fell asleep while supposed to be judging. Grab him, boys, take it away from him and throw him out."

They did, enthusiastically; made up a little for greater excitement they had thought of but really could not stomach. "Now, Gospodin LaJoie, you are fined fifty Hong Kong for not having common sense to learn local customs before stirring around. Ante up."

I collected it. "Now you boys line up. You are fined five dollars apiece for not exercising good judgment in dealing with a person you knew was a stranger and not used to our ways. Stopping him from touching Tish, that's fine. Rough him, that's okay, too; he'll learn faster. And could have tossed him out. But talking about eliminating for what was honest mistake-well, it's out of proportion. Five bucks each. Ante up.

Slim gulped. "Judge . . . I don't think we have that much left! At least I don't."

"I thought that might be. You have a week to pay or I post your names in Old Dome. Know where Bon Ton Beaute Shoppe is, near eas.e.m.e.nt lock thirteen? My wife runs it; pay her. Court's out. Slim, don't go away. Nor you, Tish. Gospodin LaJoie, let's take these young people up and buy them a cold drink and get better acquainted."

Again his eyes filled with odd delight that reminded of Prof.

"A charming idea, Judge!"

"I'm no longer judge. It's up a couple of ramps. . . so I suggest you offer Tish your arm."

He bowed and said, "My lady? May I?" and crooked his elbow to her. Tish at once became very grown up. "Spasebo, Gospodin! I am pleased."

Took them to expensive place, one where their wild clothes and excessive makeup looked out of place; they were edgy. But I tried to make them feel easy and Stuart LaJoie tried even harder and successfully. Got their addresses as well as names; Wyoh had one sequence which was concentrating on stilyagi. Presently they finished their coolers, stood up, thanked and left. LaJoie and I stayed on.

"Gospodin," he said presently, "you used an odd word earlier-odd to me, I mean."

"Call me 'Mannie' now that kids are gone. What word?"

"It was when you insisted that the, uh, young lady, Tish-that Tish must pay, too. 'Tone-stapple,' or something like it."

"Oh, 'tanstaafl.' Means ~There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.' And isn't," I added, pointing to a FREE LUNCH sign across room, "or these drinks would cost half as much. Was reminding her that anything free costs twice as much in long run or turns out worthless."

"An interesting philosophy."

"Not philosophy, fact. One way or other, what you get, you pay for." I fanned air. "Was Earthside once and heard expression 'Free as air.' This air isn't free, you pay for every breath."

"Really? No one has asked me to pay to breathe." He smiled. "Perhaps I should stop."

"Can happen, you almost breathed vacuum tonight. But n.o.body asks you because you've paid. For you, is part of round-trip ticket; for me it's a quarterly charge." I started to tell how my family buys and sells air to community co-op, decided was too complicated. "But we both pay."

LaJoie looked thoughtfully pleased. "Yes, I see the economic necessity. It's simply new to me. Tell me, uh, Mannie-and I'm called 'Stu'-was I really in danger of 'breathing vacuum'?"

"Should have charged you more."

"Please?"

"You aren't convinced. But charged kids all they could sc.r.a.pe up and fined them too, to make them think. Couldn't charge you more than them. Should have, you think it was all a joke."

"Believe me, sir, I do not think it was a joke. I just have trouble grasping that your local laws permit a man to be put to death . . . so casually . . . and for so trivial an offense."

I sighed. Where do you start explaining when a man's words show there isn't anything he understands about subject, instead is loaded with preconceptions that don't fit facts and doesn't even know he has?

"Stu," I said, "let's take that piece at a time. Are no 'local laws' so you couldn't be 'put to death' under them. Your offense was not 'trivial,' I simply made allowance for ignorance. And wasn't done casually, or boys would have dragged you to nearest lock to zero pressure, shoved you in, and cycled. Instead were most formal-good boys!--and paid own cash to give you a trial. And didn't grumble when verdict wasn't even close to what they asked. Now, anything still not clear?"

He grinned and turned out to have dimples like Prof; found myself liking him still more. "All of it, I'm afraid. I seem to have wandered into Looking Gla.s.s Land."

Expected that; having been Earthaide I know how their minds work, some. An earthworm expects to find a law, a printed law, for every circ.u.mstance. Even have laws for private matters such as contracts. Really, if a man's word isn't any good, who would contract with him? Doesn't he have reputation?

"We don't have laws," I said. "Never been allowed to. Have customs, but aren't written and aren't enforced-or could say they are self-enforcing because are simply way things have to be, conditions being what they are. Could say our customs are natural laws because are way people have to behave to stay alive. When you made a pa.s.s at Tish you were violating a natural law. . . and almost caused you to breathe vacuum."

He blinked thoughtfully. "Would you explain the natural law I violated? I had better understand it . . . or best I return to my s.h.i.+p and stay inboard until lift. To stay alive."

"Certainly. Is so simple that, once you understand, you'll never be in danger from it again. Here we are, two million males, less than one million females. A physical fact, basic as rock or vacuum. Then add idea of tanstaafl. When thing is scarce, price goes up. Women are scarce; aren't enough to go around-that makes them most valuable thing in Luna, more precious than ice or air, as men without women don't care whether they stay alive or not. Except a Cyborg, if you regard him as a man, which I don't."

I went on: "So what happens?--and mind you, things were even worse when this custom, or natural law, first showed itself back in twentieth century. Ratio was ten-to-one or worse then. One thing is what always happens in prisons: men turn to other men. That helps not much; problem still is because most men want women and won't settle for subst.i.tute while chance of getting true gelt.

"They get so anxious they will kill for it. . . and from stories old-timers tell was killing enough to chill your teeth in those days. But after a while those still alive find way to get along, things shake down. As automatic as gravitation. Those who adjust to facts stay alive; those who don't are dead and no problem.

"What that means, here and now, is that women are scarce and call tune. . . and you are surrounded by two million men who see to it you dance to that tune. You have no choice, she has all choice. She can hit you so hard it draws blood; you dasn't lay a finger on her. Look, you put an arm around Tish, maybe tried to kiss. Suppose instead she had gone to hotel room with you; what would happen?"

"Heavens! I suppose they would have torn me to pieces."

"They would have done nothing. Shrugged and pretended not to see. Because choice is hers. Not yours. Not theirs. Exclusively hers. Oh, be risky to ask her to go to hotel; she might take offense and that would give boys license to rough you up. But-well, take this Tish. A silly little tart. If you had flashed as much money as I saw in your pouch, she might have taken into head that a bundle with tourist was just what she needed and suggested it herself. In which case would have been utterly safe."

Lajoie s.h.i.+vered. "At her age? It scares me to think of it. She's below the age of consent. Statutory rape."

"Oh, b.l.o.o.d.y! No such thing. Women her age are married or ought to be. Stu, is no rape in Luna. None. Men won't permit. If rape had been involved, they wouldn't have bothered to find a judge and all men in earshot would have scrambled to help. But chance that a girl that big is virgin is negligible. When they're little, their mothers watch over them, with help from everybody in city; children are safe here. But when they reach husband-high, is no holding them and mothers quit trying. If they choose to run corndors and have fun, can't stop 'em; once a girl is nubile, she's her own boss. You married?"

"No." He added with a smile; "Not at present."

"Suppose you were and wife told you she was marrying again. What would you do?"