Beebo Brinker: Women In The Shadows Part 8

Laura swallowed. "Yes," she said.

"You should know then ... I am not. Not like you. I like the company of girls, yes. My dance pupils. Friends. But I love men. I love them. Do you understand?"

"No." Laura shut her eyes and pulled Tris a little tighter.

"Well, then, I will explain. Men excite me. All men, I mean. The idea of men ... It is hard to say. But I would rather be with a man than with a woman. But now and then I meet a woman who interests me. And sometimes the interest goes beyond just talk. You see?"

"Sometimes I want to kiss her. Or be close to her. But that is all. Now do you see?"

"No." Tris gave an impatient little sigh. "I am telling you I am not queer like you!" she said sharply and Laura winced with sudden pain. Tris felt it and she amended quickly, "That is an unkind word. You people call it gay. All right. I am not gay. I like you, I like to talk to you and watch you move and sometimes I am moved myself to kiss you or be close to you, like this. Our bodies like this, all up and down. You see? But I don't like to go any farther. Not with a girl. You are only the third girl I have felt this for. It will not happen again for a long time. Perhaps I will marry soon, and then it will never happen again."

"Marry! Who? An Indian?"

"No!" she exclaimed almost contemptuously. "Another. He is white."

"You're full of contradictions, Tris," Laura said, looking down at her in bewilderment. "You said you were gay and you married a gay boy."

"Oh, yes. I did, didn't I?" She looked trapped. "Well, I thought I was then. But I know nowpositivelyI am not."

"But you said"

"Such wonderful blond hair you have, Laura. I would give anything for such hair. Why do you always wear it wound up like that?" And she began to slip pins out of the bun, letting them drop to the polished floor, until the coil of gold came loose and Tris gave a delighted, "Ah!"

Laura felt the thrill go through her hard. She forgot her protests about Tris's s.e.x drive and pulled the dancer very close to kiss her full on the mouth. Tris yielded. With one accord they stopped dancing and just clung and kissed, swaying slightly. It lasted for long minutesjust kisses, soft and exploratory, but careful. Laura wondered vaguely, through the fog of lovely sensations, what miserable devil prompted this delectable girl to deny her Lesbian impulses. For Laura could tell that Tris enjoyed this love play as much as she. She encouraged it, even when Laura tried to stop, and pulled her back for more.

By eight o'clock they were lying on the big red silk couch in the bedroom, murmuring inanities to each other, discovering one another's bodies and emotions through twin s.h.i.+elds of clothes and caution.

"Will you come and see me again?" Tris asked.

"Are you inviting me?"

"Of course."

"When would it be convenient?" She said it in clipped English, like the English Tris spoke, to tease her.

"It is never convenient. But come anyway."

Laura laughed. "When?"

"Tomorrow."

"No date tomorrow?"

"Yes. Every night."

"Save a night for me, Tris."

Tris gazed at her for a moment before she answered, "No.

"Why not?"

"We do too much in these few short hours. What would we do with a whole night? I do not like to think."

"I think of it all the time. I can't think of anything else."

"Ah, that is a very bad sign. I am sorry to hear you say that. You must not fall in love with me, Laura."

"I'll try to remember," she said sarcastically.

"I am serious," Tris said.

Laura didn't answer her. She lay on her back and looked up at the small skylight directly over the bed. It was a square of violetthe last shade of fading day.

"I do not want you to fall in love with me, Laura," Tris persisted.

"I hear you," Laura said quietly.

"Well, why don't you answer?"

"I don't know how to answer, Tris," she said, turning to look at her in the semi-gloom of the bedroom.

"What are your feelings for me?"

"Do you want a blue print?" Laura said, hurt. "I can't spell them out for you. I don't understand them myself." But she understood them all too well. She had felt these pangs before for other girlsonly two or three, including Beebo, but enough to make them familiar and unwelcome. But still exciting and irresistible.

Tris lay beside her, quiet for a while, and finally she said, "Do you know why I was not very glad to see you at first today?"

"No." Laura reached across the bed to put a hand on Tris's b.r.e.a.s.t.s, to feel what she could not see in the gathering darkness.

"I was afraid," Tris whispered. "Of my own feelings. I do not like to become involved with women. It has always been unpleasant for me."

"Do you still want me to come back and see you?"

"Yes." She paused and Laura sensed a smile. "As long as I ask you to come back, Laura, you will know you are safe with me."

"Safe?"

"I will put it another way. If a day comes when I do not want to see you, it will be because I am in love with you. And that will be the end. From that day on we will never meet again, until I am cured."

Laura had to smile. Who could take such a charming speech seriously? "All right," she murmured and embraced the lovely dancer.

"Now you must go," Tris told her. "My date will be here soon. He is always prompt."

Laura got up without protest. But it was sweet to take the time to wind up her hair and know she was welcome. "Did you kick me out for the same boy last time?" she asked.

Tris had turned a light on and they watched each other in the mirror before which Laura was combing her hair.

"No. Another."

"I hate him," Laura said with a little smile. "And the rest of them."

Tris gazed at her coolly. "How very foolish," she said. And made Laura laugh.

They parted with a chaste kiss, and for the first time since they had met Laura felt as if she had a slim chance with this odd and irresistible girl who was still so much a stranger to her. She went home to her angry Beebo, her body tense with need. And later, when Beebo demanded her body, Laura surrendered promptly and helplessly.

Beebo, since the night of her attack, had become unbearably suspicious. Everything Laura did, everywhere she went, had to be reported in detail. She called Tris once or twice from work and Tris had bawled her out for not showing up. Laura was more pleased than sorry when Tris sounded jealouswhile she bridled angrily at Beebo's jealousy, she was thrilled with Tris's.

Laura had strong doubts about Beebo's illness now. She could have gone to work weeks ago. The bruises were nearly invisible; only a pale yellow shadow stained the spot where the worst had been. Beebo was using it an as excuse to sit around another week and take it easy and drink and b.i.t.c.h over the phone to Lili about her problems.

"I always hated that d.a.m.n elevator," she declared with her feet up on the coffee table in the living room and a drink in her hand.

"You make me sick!" Laura told her. "You're well. Get up and go to work."

Beebo looked at her watch. "At six-thirty in the evening?" she said, and laughed.

"I'm not going to support us both, Beebo," Laura said. "And I'm sick and tired of playing nursemaid."

To her diary Laura confided, I am in love. I'm sure of it. The more I'm with Beebo the more I want Tris. Oh, G.o.d, how much I want her!

Laura was desperate after two more weeks of Beebo. Beebo drove her frantic when they were cooped up together in the small apartment, as they were every night. And Beebo was wild for the love Laura denied her. The attack she had endured seemed to have touched off a burning core of violence in her that never went out.

When Beebo found the small steel strongbox on the closet floor with Laura's diary inside, she pounded it with a stone to get it open but the lock didn't break. When Laura got home from work and found the battered box on the coffee table in the living room she went pale with alarm, and Beebo, who was lying in wait for her reaction, exclaimed, "d.a.m.n it, I knew it. You sure as h.e.l.l look guilty, Laura. What's in it?" She kicked the box.

"Nothing." Laura walked across the room but her legs felt weak.

"Open it, then."

"No."

"Where's the key?"

"I don't know."

"It's your box, G.o.ddam it. You know where the key is! Why did you hide it from me? What are you ashamed of?"

"I'm under no obligation to show you everything I own!" Laura said frostily. "I'll hide what I please."

"You tell me what's in it," Beebo threatened, "or I'll choke you. I swear I'll choke you, you b.i.t.c.h." She slammed Laura against the wall with one hand to her throat.

Laura gasped in panic. There was only one thing to do with Beebo in these moods and that was go along with her, stall, anything but resist her. That was too painful and Laura even feared that one of these days, with Beebo as crazy as she was, it might be fatal.

"All right," Laura said through a tight throat. "Let me go."

She rummaged for the key for ten minutes, knowing all the while that it was in the wallet in her purse.

"Don't tell me you can't find it," Beebo said, watching her through narrowed eyes.

"I almost never use the thing," Laura said as calmly as she could.

"You find it," Beebo said. And something in the tone of her voice made Laura very frightened. I'm getting out of here, she thought to herself suddenly. If I can just get out of this somehow I'll leave her tonight and I won't come back. I'll go to Jack's.

She turned and faced Beebo, desperate. "Beebo, it's just some personal papers. It's nothing you'd be interested in."

"It's exactly what I'd be interested in. I'd be even more interested in why you went white as a sheet when you saw I had it. Explain that to me, Bo-peep."

Laura pressed her teeth together in a small grimace of exasperation. "It's my birth certificate and my baptism certificate and two insurance policies and some old love letters." she said.

"Love letters from who?" Beebo demanded.

"Beth."

Beebo put her head back and laughed. "Oh!" she said. "Beth! Good old Beth. Your college flame. I'm getting so I know that G.o.ddam girl."

"She was a lot more" Laura began, her cheeks hot. She couldn't bear to hear Beth laughed at, to hear that perfect love ridiculed.

"I know what she was," Beebo said acidly. "She was beautiful. She was bright. She was a queen on the campus and a devil in bed. She was a success. She even liked men, the traitorous b.i.t.c.h. She was so gorgeous and so intelligent and so everything that she could do whatever she d.a.m.n well pleasedeven dump you like a sack of bricks. She loved you so much she got you kicked out of school and got married. To a man." Beebo grinned at her, waiting for Laura to explode. But Laura only glared, too proud to spoil that memory with an ugly spat.

"Queen Beth was everything Beebo is not," Beebo said. "You'll never learn, will you? Love isn't pure roses and romance, Laura. You can't five with a girl, however much you love her, and still faint with joy every time she looks your way. It's a shame you never lived with Beth like you have with me. You'd find out fast enough she is a human being, not a G.o.ddess ... Now, show me the letters."

"Why do you want to read a bunch of miserable old letters?" Laura said, angry that she had to beg. "That's all over, Beebo. It can't do anything but hurt you."

"I'm used to that, Laura. Anybody who lives with you has to be."

"You lie!" Laura flared suddenly. They gazed at each other in electric silence for a minute. Then Laura said quietly, in a move to restore her safety, "Let me fill your gla.s.s." She came to take it from her but Beebo held it away. "What are you trying to do, baby, get me drunk? Let's see the letters."

Laura sat down on the bed beside her. Maybe she could sweet-talk her out of the box. "Beebo," she said. "There's nothing in there you could possibly want to see or be interested in. Will you believe me?"

Beebo looked at her coldly and didn't move. "The letters," she said and held out a hand.

Laura sighed. "After dinner," she begged. "Let's at least eat in peace." And before Beebo could answer she leaned over and kissed her lips. "I love you, Beebo," she said, very softly and hopefully. And there were still times when she wondered if she might not speak the truth. But this wasn't one of them. She spoke out of the need to save her skin.

Beebo swallowed the last of the drink. "Yeah," she said. 'The letters."

Laura kissed her again. Beebo submitted to it without returning the kiss. "You're not very subtle, Bo-peep," she said.

"I just want a stay of execution," Laura said with a wry smile. "If we have to yell at each other, let's save it till after dinner. Please, darling. The box won't walk away." And Beebo, in spite of the obviousness of it, in spite of her own better sense and Laura's flagrant flattery, weakened.

"Are they that bad?" she asked. 'The G.o.ddam letters from Beth the Beautiful?"

"They're just love letters. They're old and stale and the affair is old and stale. It's over and done with."

"Like our affair?" And Beebo said it so simply, without the histrionics and the swearing and the noisy misery she usually showered on Laura, that Laura was touched. She put her forehead down on Beebo's shoulder and whispered, "I don't know, Beebo. You scare me so sometimes I swear I'll move out of here and run like h.e.l.l and never come back. Sometimes I really think you mean to kill me."

"Sometimes I really do," Beebo said and her voice was rough. "If I did, I'd kill myself right afterwards, darling."

"A lot of good that would do me!" Laura exploded. But she softened when Beebo's face went dark. "You don't mean that, Beebo. You'd never really do it ... would you?"