Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 4

SERGEANT Plenty o' time. We'll be a long time dead, an' happy I hope.

MRS. COTTER Amen!

SERGEANT 'Tis my belief that we should all try to do good while we're alive.

MRS. COTTER There's a lot o' good people in the world, Sergeant.

SERGEANT There is, ma'am, but nearly every one o' them thinks that they're better than what they are. That's what annoys me.

MRS. COTTER Sure 'tis imagination that keeps the world movin'.

SERGEANT Yes, an' ambition. All the same, 'tis a good job that people can't see themselves as they really are.

MRS. COTTER They wouldn't believe that they were themselves if they could.

SERGEANT I suppose not.

MRS. COTTER Won't ye come up to the fire in the sittin'-room?

SERGEANT Don't be worryin' about me. I'm all right. That was good stout.

MRS. COTTER The best!

SERGEANT 'Tis a cure for nearly everythin'. Only for takin' a little now an' again, I'd never be able to stand all the hards.h.i.+ps o' me profession.

MRS. COTTER Hard work isn't easy.

SERGEANT True! But a good drop o' stout, or better still "spirits"

makes many things easy. 'Tis the seed o' pluck, so to speak. I'm feelin' just a little queer about the nerves. I think I'll have a drop o' "Wise's."

[_Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away he fills his pipe_.

MRS. COTTER (_entering with drink_) That's like the noise of a row down the road.

SERGEANT Erra, let 'em row away! The Head is prowlin' about.

Let him separate 'em. 'Tis about time he did somethin'

for his livin'. 'Tis a d.a.m.n shame to have the poor rate payers supportin' the likes of him.

MRS. COTTER I wouldn't be talkin' like that, Sergeant.

SERGEANT Why wouldn't I talk? There's as many Head Constables as clergy in the country, an' only for the sergeants an' an odd constable 'tis unknown what 'ud happen!

MRS. COTTER The Head is a dacent gentleman.

SERGEANT You don't know anythin' about him. Grumblin' about havin' to shave himself he does be now, an' only for havin' a bald patch on one side of his face, he'd let his whiskers grow altogether.

[_The Head sneezes in the coal hole_.

SERGEANT What noise is that?

MRS. COTTER (_startled_) That's only the cat in the coal hole.

SERGEANT (_leaving his chair and moves toward it_) He must be suffocatin'. I'll open the door an' let him out. Under the grate he should be a cold night like this. (_Opens the door and sees the Head_) Heavens be praised! 'Tis the Head himself!

[_The Head comes out, arranges his cap, and is not aware that he has a black spot on his nose_.

HEAD 'Tis the Head an' every inch an' ounce of him too that stands before ye.

SERGEANT I thought 'twas y'er ghost I saw.

HEAD (_angrily_) What the blazes would me ghost be doin' in a coal hole?

SERGEANT What I'd like to know is what y'erself have been doin'

there.

HEAD That won't take me long to tell. Waitin' and watchin'

to catch the likes o' you is what took me there.

SERGEANT Now, Head, with all due respects, I'd try an' tell the truth if I were you.

HEAD Sergeant Dooley, sir, anythin' you'll say or be likely to say 'll be used in evidence against you.

SERGEANT An' anythin' that you say or don't say may be used in evidence against you.

HEAD (_enraged_) Sergeant Dooley!

SERGEANT (_coolly_) Yes, Head.

HEAD Do you know that y'er addressin' y'er superior officer?

SERGEANT The less said about superiority the better.

HEAD You can't deny that I found you drinkin' on these licensed premises while on duty.

SERGEANT I might as well tell you candidly that you have no more chance o' frightenin' me or desaivin' me than you have of catchin' whales in Casey's duck-pond.

HEAD (_pa.s.sionately_) I'll--I'll--I--

SERGEANT You'll have a drink from me, an' we'll say no more about the matter. I wouldn't blame any man for takin' a drop a cold night like this. I suppose 'twill be "Wise's" the same as the last? That's if me sense o' smell isn't out of order.

HEAD (_crestfallen, blows his breath on the palm of his hand and looks at the Sergeant_) Is it as bad as that?

SERGEANT I smelt it the instant I came in, an' wondered where 'twas comin' from.

HEAD I only took it to avoid catchin' cold.

SERGEANT Just like meself. We must avoid catchin' cold at any cost. (_To Mrs. Cotter_) Two gla.s.ses o' "Wise's,"

ma'am."