Duty, And Other Irish Comedies Part 5

[_Exit Mrs. Cotter_.

SERGEANT (_to Head_) Wait, an' I'll wipe that black spot off ye'r nose.

[_He does so. Enter Mrs. Cotter_.

MRS. COTTER (_handing drinks_) The fire up-stairs is blazing away, an' there's no one sittin' by it.

HEAD We're all right. (_Holding gla.s.s_) Here's long life to us!

SERGEANT Health an' prosperity!

HEAD (_after finis.h.i.+ng drink_) We must have another, for I'm not feelin' too well, an' 'tis better be on the safe side. 'Twas through neglect that some o' the best min died.

SERGEANT We must not forget that!

HEAD (_to Mrs. Cotter_) The same again, Mrs. Cotter.

[_Exit Mrs. Cotter with gla.s.ses_.

HEAD I saw be the papers last night that the Royal Irish Constabulary are the finest in the world.

SERGEANT Sure every one knows that!

HEAD I wonder what kind are all the others?

SERGEANT That's what I'd like to know.

MRS. COTTER (_at door_) Will I bring them up to the sittin'-room, gentlemen?

HEAD We're first cla.s.s as we are, ma'am.

[_Mrs. Cotter hands the gla.s.ses and a loud knock is heard at the door_.

MRS. COTTER Who's there?

VOICE Police!

HEAD 'Tis the constable!

SERGEANT The bla'gard surely!

HEAD What'll we do?

SERGEANT Take the drinks first, an' consider after.

[_They finish drinks and hand back the gla.s.ses to Mrs.

Cotter_.

HEAD I suppose we had better hide in the coal hole. He has a better nose than yourself, an' one word from him to the Inspector would soon deprive us o' both stripes an' pensions.

SERGEANT I suppose the coal hole is the best place, though it does offend me dignity to go there.

HEAD Wisha, bad luck to you an' ye'r dignity. Come on here!

[_The Head enters, and the Sergeant follows. Mrs. Cotter opens the street door and the Constable enters._

CONSTABLE (_sarcastically_) Thanks very much for openin' the door, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Constable. I was sayin' me prayers up-stairs before goin' to bed.

CONSTABLE If I had known that, I wouldn't have disturbed you.

I hope you said one for me.

MRS. COTTER Of course I did. I always ses a prayer for the police.

CONSTABLE An' right too, ma'am, for 'tis little time we have for prayin'. There's no rest for a man once he joins the Force. Whin y're not kept busy thinkin' o' one thing, y're kept busy thinkin' o' somethin' else.

MRS. COTTER Thinkin' is worse than workin'.

CONSTABLE A hundred times. (_Looking at his watch_) 'Tis a long time since first Ma.s.s this mornin'. Sat.u.r.day! Sunday!

Monday! 'Tis all the same whin y're in the Force. On y'er feet all day, an' kep' awake be the childer all night. An' whin pay day comes, all y'er hard earnin's goes to keep the wolf from the door.

MRS. COTTER G.o.d help us!

CONSTABLE Say what ye will, but life is an awful bother.

MRS. COTTER We must go through it.

CONSTABLE Well, 'tis a good job we don't live as long as the alligators. We might have to support our grandchilder if we did, an' I may tell you it gives me enough to do to support me own.

MRS. COTTER How many have you now, Constable?

CONSTABLE Seven, an' the wife's mother.

MRS. COTTER I thought she was dead.

CONSTABLE (_disgusted_) Dead! There's five years more in her!

MRS. COTTER You seem to be in a very bad humor to-night.

CONSTABLE An' why not? When I have to put up with that bla'gard of a Sergeant--not to mention the Head-constable!

MRS. COTTER We all have our troubles.

CONSTABLE Some of us get more than our share. An' 'tis far from troublin' a dacent woman like you I'd be, only for the Sergeant, ma'am.

MRS. COTTER Excuse me, Constable. I can't keep me eyes open with the sleep.