Not Just Friends Part 5

- I never doubted that we loved each other.

- I believed I could be safe in this relations.h.i.+p.

The disparity between what the betrayed partner believed about commitment and exclusivity and the actual behavior of the unfaithful partner determines the extent of traumatization. One young wife thought she and her husband had the perfect marriage: "I knew we were in a slump, but I never thought we weren't totally committed to each other." Believing that she and her husband had a perfect understanding and an una.s.sailable commitment made his betrayal that much more shocking. Another betrayed spouse poignantly expressed this sense of what it is like to know that what you counted on as exclusively yours has been shared with another person: "You took something that was supposed to be mine, which was intimacy, and you gave it to someone else."

Even couples in open marriages have a.s.sumptions about their outside relations.h.i.+ps. If these a.s.sumptions are violated, they feel a terrible sense of betrayal. The rules might be that each person can have multiple s.e.x partners but cannot become emotionally attached or have secret liaisons with another person. If these rules are broken, the devastation is just as great as in a marriage with the a.s.sumption of monogamy. One such wife, Colleen, couldn't sleep or eat after learning that her husband was communicating secretly with women on the Internet, although they had engaged in s.e.xual swinging for many years.

Following the discovery of a betrayal, there will never again be the blind trust that existed before. In just a few seconds, the safest haven in the world is turned into the source of the greatest treachery.

a.s.sumptions about Your Partner - I thought you were trustworthy.

- I thought you would always be honest with me.

- I thought you would always do the right thing.

When you think you know who your partner is and he or she does something absolutely out of character, it is hard to understand what your eyes are telling you. If you believe that you are married to someone with an especially fine moral character, your chagrin is not only about the infidelity but also about the altered perception of your partner. It's like being married to a four-star general and finding out that he's really a Russian spy.

People are attracted to their mates because they admire and respect them. Even after the process of idealization that characterizes a new relations.h.i.+p has stopped, people still want to believe the best of their chosen partner. It is perfectly reasonable to "accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative." You want to feel that the person you are married to is trustworthy. It is devastating to find out that your husband is a liar or that your wife is a cheat. The affront feels very personal. "You're not who I thought you were!" is a common lament of betrayed partners.

Husbands and wives who never had any reason to doubt their mutual commitment to exclusivity are deeply traumatized by the betrayal of infidelity. A betrayed husband expressed disbelief when he discovered his wife with another man: "My wife was a virgin when we married, and she's always been a devoted wife and mother. I would have bet 2 million dollars that that could not have been my wife coming out of a motel with another man." One woman said, "He's religious and hates liars and was never that interested in s.e.x." His affair shattered these a.s.sumptions.

In contrast are situations where a.s.sumptions of monogamy are shaky to begin with. A couple who had cheated on each other during their engagement were hurt and angry when each of them strayed during the early years of the marriage, but they were not shocked or disillusioned.

Individual Vulnerabilities in the Betrayed Partner It is not possible to predict with 100 percent accuracy how any individual will react to infidelity according to the nature of the betrayal and the manner in which it was discovered. Betrayed partners also react in a variety of ways based on their personal relations.h.i.+p history, self-worth, and emotional stability. Hopelessness about the future is more prevalent in betrayed partners who blame the infidelity on their own shortcomings and those who fear abandonment. To some extent, this is a matter of in-born temperament: Some people are born serene and nonreactive, whereas others come into this world p.r.i.c.kly and hypersensitive.

Who we are is also partly a consequence of the experiences we have had in the past. Our relations.h.i.+p history influences how we will react to interpersonal injuries. To understand why one person stumbles and can't go on and why someone else is able to keep walking in similar circ.u.mstances requires an understanding of each person's past. We carry our wounds and our triumphs around with us long after they've actually happened.

Low Self-Esteem People with low self-esteem will have greater difficulty recovering because they interpret their partner's betrayal as proof of their own inadequacies. Belinda had a chronically ill mother and a supercritical father. Nothing she did was ever good enough for her father. Her mother, on the other hand, was loving but depended on her daughter to take care of her. When Belinda married, she thought she had found her soul mate and would finally get the love and validation she had been searching for. Her whole world came cras.h.i.+ng down when she discovered his love letters to another woman. She couldn't ever feel special with him again. The healing relations.h.i.+p she had expected with her husband turned into another huge scar, although she is working hard to become more independent.

Individuals who had intense sibling rivalries and were the least preferred by their parents are apt to carry into their adult relations.h.i.+ps the need to prove that they are worthy of being loved. When their partners get involved with someone else, it evokes all those old feelings of compet.i.tion or of being the outsider or the one less favored. Betrayed partners who were scapegoated or neglected as children are vulnerable to viewing a partner's infidelity as a personal rejection.

Men or women who are anxious about their own s.e.xual performance or attractiveness are especially vulnerable to excessive feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt if their partner has extramarital s.e.x. Russ felt as if he had been hit with a club when he discovered that his wife, Rita, had had an affair. She had never seemed that interested in s.e.x with him. When he found out that she had discussed his s.e.xual shortcomings with her affair partner, Russ was embarra.s.sed and humiliated. This guy knew all about him, but Russ didn't know anything about the affair partner or his s.e.xual exploits with Rita.

Fractured Trust Individuals who did not develop basic trust during childhood are especially vulnerable to deception by a loved one. Infidelity brings back all of those childhood wounds for a person who was lied to or whose parents made promises they didn't keep. Those who were physically, s.e.xually, or emotionally abused in previous relations.h.i.+ps may be retraumatized when someone they have counted on betrays their trust and dependency. Judith Herman writes, "Trauma forces the survivor to relive all her earlier struggles.... Traumatic life events, like other misfortunes, are especially merciless to those who are already troubled."5 Parental Infidelity Witnessing parental infidelity can place people at greater risk of traumatization if they are betrayed by their chosen partner. Gloria thought her life was perfect until she was thirteen. Her father left her mother for another woman, and Gloria's world blew apart. When she talked about her childhood, everything was placed in time as before her father's affair (when things were wonderful) and after his affair (when her family fell apart). Although her husband knew of her wounds, he had an affair anyway. To Gloria this showed such a lack of regard for her that she could not stay in the marriage.

Men who witnessed a mother's infidelities are more likely than other men to exhibit pathological jealousy and an inability to let go of a partner's betrayal.6 In contrast, some women whose fathers were philanderers seem to accept being married to men of the same ilk. They stay while their husbands stray They look the other way because their expectations were shaped by their family legacy. In contrast, some women whose fathers were philanderers seem to accept being married to men of the same ilk. They stay while their husbands stray They look the other way because their expectations were shaped by their family legacy.

An interesting ill.u.s.tration of a father's influence was told to me by a woman from a large ethnic family who was given a piece of advice the day before her wedding. Her father was a man of few words, but he pulled her aside and said, "I want you to know that if you ever learn that your husband has been involved with another woman, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you." When her husband did cheat, she was unhappy but not traumatized.

Pre-existing Stressful Life Events Disclosure of infidelity is more traumatic when other situational or life events have already created stress or vulnerability. The same life transitions that increase stress, such as unemployment, pregnancy, serious illness, or death of a family member, may push one partner into the escape of an affair-an affair that can push the betrayed partner into a state of collapse. There is no preferred timing for a partner to be unfaithful, but a betrayal in an already burdened relations.h.i.+p feels even more catastrophic.

Pregnancy Lisa remembered what it was like being pregnant with her second child. She was frazzled keeping up with her toddler and sick to her stomach for the first four months. She felt trapped and unattractive and in need of special rea.s.surance and support. Instead, her husband got involved with a woman at work and was even less involved and available at home. The affair was painful enough, but the fact that he had betrayed her just when she was most needy and vulnerable made it doubly painful.

Family Illness Caring for sick and dying relatives obviously puts a strain on a marriage. Constant care and worry draw on the couple's reserves, while their relations.h.i.+p takes a backseat to more urgent obligations. On top of the exhaustion and grief you already have, discovering that your partner is taking advantage of you in such a situation is a serious blow.

Angela had the feeling of being kicked while she was down when her husband had an affair right after her mother died. She considered her mother to be her best friend and was dedicated to caring for her during her terminal illness. After her mother died, Angela was grief stricken. Discovering her husband's fling deepened her depression because she felt totally alone. Her mother would normally have been the person to help her deal with problems in her marriage; now that she was gone, Angela felt she had no one to turn to. Incredulous, she faced her husband, saying, "You had s.e.x with your lover in our bed while I was away taking care of my dying mother?!"

The Nature of the Betrayal The intensity of the betrayed partner's traumatic reaction is connected with the nature of the betrayal. Each infidelity has its own profile and, therefore, its own character. Infidelity with a stranger is different from infidelity with your best friend. A brief fling at a conference is different from a five-year love affair with the next-door neighbor. Staggered revelations about multiple involvements create a crescendo of shock waves. The length and depth of the deception prior to the disclosure will influence the length of time it takes to recover. Hearing the whole truth earlier in the process enhances recovery.7 I will give you guidance on how to structure this process in Chapter 8. I will give you guidance on how to structure this process in Chapter 8.

One of the things that makes the revelations of s.e.x addicts especially traumatic is that the betrayed partner often hears about multiple s.e.xual encounters staggered over time. One injury is admitted, then another, unexpected one comes later, and then another. Each time the betrayed partners think they have heard it all, they are retraumatized with additional horror stories.

Extent of Extramarital Involvement How deep was the emotional involvement and what kind of s.e.xual intimacies were experienced? Unfaithful partners tend to minimize the extent of s.e.xual and emotional involvement. Betrayed wives are usually more obsessed with love letters that were written to the affair partner than with revelations of s.e.xual intercourse with casual acquaintances. On the other hand, betrayed husbands are usually more upset by their wife's having s.e.x with another man. Initial denials of emotional attachment by unfaithful husbands and of s.e.xual activities by unfaithful wives indicate that men and women differ in the type of infidelity they consider the most devastating.

Duration of Affair A clandestine relations.h.i.+p that lasts for years undercuts everything that happened in the marriage during that time. As one husband said, "I can't believe you continued the affair for ten years. It went on so long that all these years our life has been a lie." His memories of those years are now corrupted. Every remembered scene of intimacy and affection is suspect in the light of his new knowledge. All those times his wife told him she loved him now seem like insults and taunts. He cannot believe in the authenticity of any point of connection with his wife that used to bring him joy: "Our whole marriage is a sham."

The death of a wealthy realtor from Connecticut revealed that he had led two entirely separate lives for thirty years.8 Frank Troy had been happily married to his wife for fifty-eight years while at the same time he lived on weekends with another woman in Rhode Island. The other woman knew he was married but thought he was separated from his wife. He told his wife that he had to be away on weekends to help run the ferry to Block Island. He told the other woman not to call him on weekdays because he had to take care of his sickly sister, who needed total quiet. Frank Troy had been happily married to his wife for fifty-eight years while at the same time he lived on weekends with another woman in Rhode Island. The other woman knew he was married but thought he was separated from his wife. He told his wife that he had to be away on weekends to help run the ferry to Block Island. He told the other woman not to call him on weekdays because he had to take care of his sickly sister, who needed total quiet.

Only when Frank died did his wife discover that he had left behind three decades of lying and deceit, along with his sizable estate. On their fiftieth wedding anniversary they had celebrated by renewing their vows in church. Imagine the difficulties she will have coming to terms with the reality that for all those years, she had been married to a man whose double life makes him seem more like an espionage agent than an ordinary husband.

Double Betrayals The ident.i.ty of the affair partner is bound to intensify the traumatic reaction of the betrayed spouse. Eve's husband had an affair with the babysitter, whom she had taken under her wing throughout her college years. Cameron's wife had an affair with his business partner, whom he considered one of his best friends. He told me, "This is a double betrayal. I've been screwed over twice!" Leanne sent her husband, Louis, to help out her friend, Maxine, after the tragic and unexpected death of Maxine's husband. Imagine the sense of betrayal Leanne felt when Louis moved out of the house to be with the grieving widow.

These double betrayals involve multiple losses. When the affair partner is a relative, families seldom recover from the shocking treachery. An example is the betrayed wife who discovered that her husband was in love with her sister; another is the husband who found out that his wife had run off with his father. In that case, his wife and his father became outcasts, and the family was split apart forever.

Stolen Treasures Betrayed partners are hurt when what they longed for in their marriage was given to a rival. Sometimes the spouse has been shortchanged while the lover has been royally treated with gifts of affection, time, and money. One irate wife confronted her husband on just this issue: "We didn't have enough money for baby-sitters, and you spent money for hotel rooms!" Another wife felt cheated and enraged when her quiet, inexpressive husband sent romantic messages to his e-lover. Betrayed partners are deeply chagrined to learn that their workaholic spouse somehow found the time to have an affair.

But there are other kinds of thefts. One husband was willing to make sacrifices for his wife's demanding career, believing that her professional success was good for their marriage and their children. She was often gone in the evenings and traveled several times a year. Her absence was hard for her children and meant that he had to do double duty as both mother and father. When she confessed that she had been having an affair with a man at work, he was outraged that she had enlisted his help in enabling her traitorous behavior: "I thought I was supporting you in your work-all the travel, the late nights. It was all so you could be with someone else."

Flagrant Indiscretions How obvious was the involved partner? What flimsy lies and subterfuges were employed to cover it up? Betrayed spouses often say they feel stupid about not figuring out things earlier: "It went on right under my nose. How could I have been so blind?" Once they know the score, it all seems so obvious. They have perfect vision in hindsight.

It is also hard when the offending partner is flagrant in his or her disrespectful behavior. What made one husband so angry was his wife's blatant disregard for their family and her lack of discretion: "You took our baby along to the zoo with your lover's children?"

The Gulf between Perception and Reality How much of a chasm is there between what the naive partner believed and what really happened? Has a partner been especially attentive, not out of true feeling but as a cover-up? In the early stages of his affair with another woman, one husband took care to be especially loving with his wife. When she found out about his subterfuge, she deeply resented his affectionate ploys: "Just when you were being so nice and so romantic, and I thought you were really committed, I discovered you were hatching elaborate schemes to keep me off the track."

The Threat Continues An important, ongoing consideration is whether the betrayed partner continues to be threatened. Harriet cried hysterically every morning when her husband, Harvey, left for work. Healing the marriage was particularly difficult because Harvey refused to fire the secretary with whom he had a seven-year affair. He claimed that Kitty's services were indispensable. Although Harvey had ended the affair, Harriet was retraumatized every day that Kitty stayed on the job. Harvey grew impatient and frustrated with Harriet's never-ending harangues because he believed he had answered all of her questions and he was no longer intimate with Kitty. Harriet did not settle down until Kitty moved out of state a year later. Only then could Harriet begin to experience the safety that is necessary for recovery.

Trust has to be earned. Safety has to be reestablished. This is not an overnight process. Just as the involved partner cannot flick a switch to turn off all feelings for the lover, the noninvolved partner cannot s.h.i.+ft from betrayal to unquestioning trust in an instant. Each of these common situations carries with it a different flavor of insecurity: He says they're "just friends" again, and he shouldn't have to cut off all contact.

If the contact continues, the threat continues. It's like a recovering alcoholic who continues to go to happy hour after work every Friday, or an Internet infidel who continues to use the computer at home in the evenings.

She hasn't made up her mind whether she's going to stay or leave.

You feel like a displaced person. Your home as you've known it has been destroyed, and you don't know where you will be or who you will be with from day to day.

He says he's stopped, and I should trust him, but I can't.

You're paranoid if you don't trust him, but you violate your own gut feelings if you do.

He's more sympathetic to her than he is to me.

The other woman rants and raves and screams and yells, and the husband feels sorry for her. But when the spouse gets upset, he thinks, "What a b.i.t.c.h. No wonder I had an affair." If this att.i.tude persists, it's an indication that there may not be enough empathy for the injured partner to allow healing in the marriage.

In each of the preceding situations, uncertainty about commitment to work on the marriage or uncertainty that the affair is over keeps the betrayed partner off balance. If you are certain that the affair is over and there is no contact with the affair partner, recovery is straightforward, although still difficult. The threat has ended, and you can proceed to work through what happened and the meaning of what happened. However, additional incidents of deception are retraumatizing and set the recovery process back to zero.

If the involved partner is ambivalent for too long or continues secret contact with the affair partner, the continuing retraumatization and deception will make healing difficult, whether or not the marriage continues. Depending on how emotionally involved the affair has been, ending it may happen over a long period of time or very quickly. Women are more likely than men to have a prolonged period of letting go; men (and less commonly women), who compartmentalize their primarily s.e.xual affairs, can move on very quickly. Sometimes, in fact, the involved partner dismisses the affair so easily that it's hard for the hurt partner to believe it's really over. Certainty comes through concrete demonstrations of openness and proof that any contact with the affair partner has been cut off.

Establis.h.i.+ng Safety: Stop and Share The first step in recovering from the crisis of disclosure is to establish safety by reversing the position of walls and windows. The affair must stop, and any intimate interactions with the affair partner must come to an end. During the affair, secrecy fueled the pa.s.sion with the lover and diminished the intimacy with the spouse. The involved partner must be willing to open windows inside the marriage and put up walls with the affair partner.

If you are an involved partner, you must resolve to stop the affair and then take steps to do it. In the beginning you may be more sensitive about hurting your affair partner than about hurting your spouse. The natural thing is to want to check on your affair partner to see if he or she is okay, but your kind intentions are misguided-actually, somewhat cruel, because they give a mixed message to your lover that you are still interested. You have to make a clean break. You are not the appropriate person to provide support for the distress that the breakup caused. It is unfair to offer comfort that will keep the affair partner attached to you instead of moving on. You must also resolve to share with your spouse any phone contact or face-to-face encounters with the affair partner.

Honesty now is the only way to undo the legacy of deception and lies. You and your spouse both need a.s.surance that sharing every new interaction will not create new explosions, although some may. The involved partner cannot feel safe in an atmosphere of nasty accusations and emotional storms, anymore than the betrayed partner can feel safe in the absence of honest information. The involved partner believes that telling the truth will only make things worse. The betrayed partner must demonstrate that the distress caused by hearing upsetting information is a short-term reaction, but that the long-term effect is to heal the wounds.

Step 1: Stop All Contact with the Affair Partner - What does it mean to stop?Stop all personal contact with the affair partner, if possible; if total avoidance is not possible, stop all personal discussions. Extricating yourself means telling your affair partner that you are committed to rebuilding your marriage and that all intimate communication will stop. Until it is unambiguously clear that the affair is over, your spouse cannot begin to heal and your marriage cannot recover. This means no more phone calls, lunches, or e-mails. If you have a business relations.h.i.+p with your affair partner, as is often the case, there must be an understanding that the relations.h.i.+p will be strictly business. Without closure all three of you will be stuck in a confusing mora.s.s of indecision.

- We were friends before, so why can't we be friends again? Sometimes after an affair is discovered, the involved partner decides to stay in the marriage but also wants to stay friends with the affair partner. What does that mean? Is the affair over or is it just on hold? Are you trying out the marriage with the option of going back to your affair partner? If the affair is just put on hold, your spouse will remain suspicious. It is an unfortunate reality that someone who has crossed the line into a romantic s.e.xual affair can't go back to the previous state of platonic friends.h.i.+p. Sometimes after an affair is discovered, the involved partner decides to stay in the marriage but also wants to stay friends with the affair partner. What does that mean? Is the affair over or is it just on hold? Are you trying out the marriage with the option of going back to your affair partner? If the affair is just put on hold, your spouse will remain suspicious. It is an unfortunate reality that someone who has crossed the line into a romantic s.e.xual affair can't go back to the previous state of platonic friends.h.i.+p.

Dora had an intense affair with her doubles partner at the tennis club. There was no question in her mind that she wanted to stay in her marriage, but she also refused to quit playing tennis with her lover and resign from the club. Dennis, her husband, did not accept her reason for continuing. She was adamant that she didn't want to draw notice at the club by abruptly quitting. As far as Dennis was concerned, resigning their club members.h.i.+p and quitting tennis altogether was better than knowing his wife was in continuing contact with the man she had betrayed him with.

Dora's stubborn refusal to stop playing tennis with her lover looks like ambivalence. Although she says she is committed to Dennis, he will not believe it until her behavior demonstrates her commitment. Apologies and promises alone are not enough to rebuild trust; rea.s.surance comes only with observable change. If Dora has been lying for so long, just saying it's over could be another lie. How can Dennis know if she's telling the truth? Only time and devotion to her husband will convince him. A truly remorseful spouse will come home earlier, be more attentive, make his or her partner feel more desirable, and be willing to put up a thick wall with the affair partner. Only then will a betrayed spouse eventually be able to let go of his or her insecurity.

- What do we do if continuing contact is unavoidable? It is harder to demonstrate renewed loyalty to a betrayed partner when the two people involved in the affair must have continuing contact. Leonard had a two-year affair with an esteemed colleague in his department at the university. After he got caught, he promised his wife, Linda, that he would end the affair and enter couple therapy to work on their marriage. The problem was that his academic department was small and there was no way he could cut off all contact with his former lover. To make matters even more complicated, they were part of a small research team that was on the threshold of a groundbreaking accomplishment in their field. They had to work together. Besides, he still cared deeply for his affair partner and believed that their ability to understand each other was one reason their research was going so well. He was willing to end the affair, but he definitely needed to continue his indispensable working relations.h.i.+p. It is harder to demonstrate renewed loyalty to a betrayed partner when the two people involved in the affair must have continuing contact. Leonard had a two-year affair with an esteemed colleague in his department at the university. After he got caught, he promised his wife, Linda, that he would end the affair and enter couple therapy to work on their marriage. The problem was that his academic department was small and there was no way he could cut off all contact with his former lover. To make matters even more complicated, they were part of a small research team that was on the threshold of a groundbreaking accomplishment in their field. They had to work together. Besides, he still cared deeply for his affair partner and believed that their ability to understand each other was one reason their research was going so well. He was willing to end the affair, but he definitely needed to continue his indispensable working relations.h.i.+p.

In cases where professional collaboration is a necessity, the parameters of the relations.h.i.+p need to be carefully designed and communicated. Here are two suggestions for redrawing those lines: 1. Limit contact to business only. If you are serious about reestablis.h.i.+ng safety in your marriage and sending clear signals to your affair partner, then you must become a polite but distant stranger to your affair partner. Going out together for coffee, swapping stories about your kids, and trading office gossip are invitations to intimacy. Telephone strictly for business purposes, and if the other person steers the conversation into personal waters, say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to discuss that."

2. Do not talk about your marriage with your affair partner. If your ex-lover asks you how your marriage is doing, you can demonstrate that there is a wall around the marriage that cannot be knocked down by answering, "I'm sorry, but it isn't appropriate for me to discuss that with you." Refusal to discuss your marriage tells your affair partner where the boundaries are. You won't be tempted to portray the marriage in a negative light to protect the feelings of the affair partner, who must understand that you now have a new commitment to the marriage. You enhance intimacy and rebuild the sense of "we-ness" in the marriage by confining personal information to your spouse.

Step 2: Share All Unavoidable Encounters - What does it mean to share? Sometimes it's impossible to avoid all contact, so whenever and whatever contact with the affair partner does occur must be told to the betrayed partner, thus opening a window when there is unavoidable or ongoing contact. Sometimes it's impossible to avoid all contact, so whenever and whatever contact with the affair partner does occur must be told to the betrayed partner, thus opening a window when there is unavoidable or ongoing contact.

After disclosure, one husband called his affair partner in front of his wife to tell her it was over. The next day the affair partner called him at work and said, "I know your wife made you call me last night. I could tell. It's not really over, is it?" He told her it was over. And then he went home and told his wife about the call, even though she would never have found out about it on her own. His voluntary honesty gave them a great leap forward into greater trust.

- Volunteer before being asked. Up to this point, the injured partner has had to dig up most of the information. The best sharing is done before the betrayed partner has a chance to ask whether there has been any contact. This suggestion is counterintuitive because most involved partners wish to avoid initiating any topics that could stir things up-especially when some calm has been temporarily restored. As one man said, "If I even mention her name, I'm in for a whole night." But think about what happens if you don't bring it up and your spouse finds out. Any contact you admit having with your affair partner is a golden opportunity to gain trust points with your spouse. Up to this point, the injured partner has had to dig up most of the information. The best sharing is done before the betrayed partner has a chance to ask whether there has been any contact. This suggestion is counterintuitive because most involved partners wish to avoid initiating any topics that could stir things up-especially when some calm has been temporarily restored. As one man said, "If I even mention her name, I'm in for a whole night." But think about what happens if you don't bring it up and your spouse finds out. Any contact you admit having with your affair partner is a golden opportunity to gain trust points with your spouse.

One month after Rudy discovered that his wife, Ruth, was involved with a man who was a client of her firm, he was still feeling shaky about how often they would see each other in the course of their work. One night, when Ruth came home after a long day, Rudy asked her how her day was. "Did anything interesting happen?" "Nothing happened. It was fine," she replied. He then asked her whether she had seen her ex-lover, Steve. "Yeah, he came in, but I didn't have that much to say to him." This was not a good exchange. Rudy felt insecure because he had to pry information out of her, and Ruth felt badgered and scrutinized.

Two weeks later, Rudy again asked his wife, "How was your day?" This time, Ruth said, "I was in line at the bank and guess who was in the car in front of me? Steve! He got out of his car to talk to me. He asked me how things were going with you, and I told him that I really didn't want to talk to him about anything personal." This time, Rudy felt that his wife had given him a gift.

Step 3: Be Accountable - Be willing to prove you are trustworthy. If you are the unfaithful partner and your spouse is constantly snooping around, you might misperceive his or her need to know as an autonomy problem for you instead of a security issue for your spouse. It isn't that your partner has a neurotic need to control your every move. Rather, knowing what is really going on is the only way a traumatized person can begin to reestablish trust. Your approach here can be, "I will help you check up on me." Specifically, you can turn over the beeper, share the cell phone bills, and share your e-mail correspondence. If your affair was an Internet affair, share your Internet history file. If you are the unfaithful partner and your spouse is constantly snooping around, you might misperceive his or her need to know as an autonomy problem for you instead of a security issue for your spouse. It isn't that your partner has a neurotic need to control your every move. Rather, knowing what is really going on is the only way a traumatized person can begin to reestablish trust. Your approach here can be, "I will help you check up on me." Specifically, you can turn over the beeper, share the cell phone bills, and share your e-mail correspondence. If your affair was an Internet affair, share your Internet history file.

- Be accountable for your whereabouts. You may feel smothered, but you owe it to your partner to let him or her know where you are. It may feel as if you are curtailing your freedom, but what you are really doing is taking care of your partner's anxiety. If you are going to be late, call home. It's not fair to create worry. After half an hour, your partner is imagining all kinds of horrible things. Think of what it's like to have a teenager with a new driver's license who doesn't want to wake you up by calling to let you know he or she will be late. You are already sitting on pins and needles, picturing the funeral. In your case, your partner is on pins and needles picturing the rendezvous. You may feel smothered, but you owe it to your partner to let him or her know where you are. It may feel as if you are curtailing your freedom, but what you are really doing is taking care of your partner's anxiety. If you are going to be late, call home. It's not fair to create worry. After half an hour, your partner is imagining all kinds of horrible things. Think of what it's like to have a teenager with a new driver's license who doesn't want to wake you up by calling to let you know he or she will be late. You are already sitting on pins and needles, picturing the funeral. In your case, your partner is on pins and needles picturing the rendezvous.

Surviving Day by Day Recovery from infidelity requires that a couple work together to heal the pain. However, during the early days, both partners may be so depleted from nursing their own wounds that they may not have much left to give each other. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you not deepen each other's wounds during this critical early period. If you cannot muster affection or caring, then be considerate and respectful. At the least, if you treat each other as nicely as you would treat a stranger, you are bound to be decent to each other.

In the beginning, with the trauma fresh, you need immediate help in how to survive from day to day. Take care of yourself with exercise, ma.s.sage, and plenty of rest. If your reactions are extreme (if you cannot eat or sleep, for example), or if either of you has persistent thoughts of suicide or violence, you should talk to your physician about medication and a referral to a therapist.

Develop Support Networks You need the lifeline of an outside support network to get through the pain. You may feel that you and your partner are in separate boats that are capsizing in the wake of the storm. You will be bailing out together later in the process, but right now you may need other resources for support.

Talk to friends who will help you through these stormy times. Be careful that you do not pick anyone to confide in who will bad-mouth your partner or spread rumors about your situation. Friends of the marriage accept your decision to stay in the process of reconciliation and support it positively. They are empathic, but objective at the same time. They are able to be with you and listen, and they are slow to give advice.

In most cases, it is best not to involve family members (especially children). Family members are usually not able to be as neutral as friends because family members have trouble getting past the hurt you have suffered. Every ugly incident will be an indelible memory. Parents can be very pessimistic about your choice to stay together, and they can hold a grudge against your partner long after you have forgiven each other.

Practice Damage Control Even now, in these early days, you are setting the stage for the construction of a stronger marriage. Expect peaks and valleys. Intimate, wonderful days are likely to be followed by freaking-out days. Every word that either of you says is likely to be remembered. It can take superhuman patience and empathy to live through this difficult, confusing time, but following some basic guidelines for helpful communication can make all the difference between going down in flames and staying afloat: 1. Knowing that all questions about the infidelity will be answered later is important. Understanding that they need to be answered in a controlled way is essential.

2. Set limits on the midnight talks. Sleep deprivation will intensify negative emotions. Set aside structured time for discussions.

3. Avoid escalating arguments that could result in physical or verbal abuse. Take time-outs if emotions erupt.

4. It is a challenge to construct a disclosure process that unfolds rather than explodes. Traumatic reactions will make it hard for the injured partner to act rationally and with self-control. Fear of consequences will make it hard for the involved partner to be open. Even at this early stage, respectful (albeit angry) questions and thoughtful answers make the road to full understanding easier and more complete.

Lift the Lid a Little Bit Although it's best to delay discussing the affair until you are on more solid ground, it's unrealistic to expect a sealed lid. Lifting the lid just a little bit can relieve some of the pressure that builds up over unanswered questions. It's important to share a reconstruction of events that allows the betrayed partner to establish the reality of the affair. Betrayed partners have to know the extent of the deception so they can understand what has happened. This means full disclosure of significant facts. Recovery of trust is greatly impaired by the piecemeal, staggered disclosure of basic information. It's critical that there be as few extra, nasty surprises as possible after the original disclosure.

Most likely, questions will focus on both the concrete details and on understanding the meaning of the infidelity. But at this stage it is best to stick to specific facts about who, what, where, and when. How long has this been going on? When did it start? Where did you meet when you had s.e.x? When you said you went to meet with your boss, were you really with your lover? Who else knows? Do the people at work know? When was the last time you were together? At this point, wild imaginings may be worse than the actual facts. Hearing honest answers about who the extramarital partner is and the extent of the relations.h.i.+p meets a basic need.

As I tell couples who are involved in reconstructing safety in their relations.h.i.+p, not all questions need to be answered at once. Some questions should wait. Even though waiting can be agonizing, questions about motivations and meanings are best kept until later. Answering complex questions requires thoughtfulness and receptivity from both people-qualities that are absent at this moment. Trying to wrestle with them now is futile. These are the kinds of questions that can be tabled for later: Why did you get involved with someone else? Did you think about my feelings when you did this? What's wrong with our marriage? What did I do wrong? What does your betrayal say about what kind of person you are? These questions are best addressed when you've established a sense of safety and commitment to work on the issues.

The intimate details of s.e.x in the affair may satisfy an immediate need to know, but they should be left until later to discuss, if they are shared at all. Sometimes people want to know these details in the beginning but not later. The reason not to share s.e.xual details is that later they can become intrusive and interfere with your ability to be s.e.xual with each other. Sharing s.e.xual details now may create flashbacks or obsessive ruminations for the betrayed partner, even though later on curiosity about these details may disappear as the marriage is on more solid ground.

Nina knew what she needed to know at this early stage to regain some emotional stability. She needed to know whether her husband had lied to her about the need to leave for work at 6:00 A.M. A.M. because of extra work. He admitted that he had visited with the other woman at her apartment every morning before going to work and that he had lied about the extra work. Nina was crushed, but she felt some security from his honesty. Hearing the truth made her feel more hopeful about their chances to rebuild their marriage. If he had wanted to continue his affair, he wouldn't have told her. because of extra work. He admitted that he had visited with the other woman at her apartment every morning before going to work and that he had lied about the extra work. Nina was crushed, but she felt some security from his honesty. Hearing the truth made her feel more hopeful about their chances to rebuild their marriage. If he had wanted to continue his affair, he wouldn't have told her.

First Steps of Trauma Recovery Looking at the immediate crisis as a trauma helps make sense of some of the craziness you are probably experiencing. Traumatic reactions that begin immediately after the revelation can continue for some time. Predictable, necessary stages of trauma recovery will take place over many months and possibly several years. However, be a.s.sured that the frequency, duration, and intensity of your traumatic reactions will gradually lessen over time. A detailed description of these traumatic reactions and how to cope with them will be discussed in Chapter 6. For now, let's look at a summary of the first steps in the recovery process.

- Feel the feelings. It can be tempting to minimize or deny painful feelings in oneself or the other person. Honest and open engagement about your wishes, hopes, and fears will become the new foundation for a stronger relations.h.i.+p.

- Reverse walls and windows and establish safety. The real work of recovery begins when the architecture of the marriage and that of the affair are reversed, so that information flows honestly between the partners and stops flowing to the affair partner. Only when there is a sense of safety in the marriage can the damage be repaired.

- Cope with traumatic reactions. Understand that trauma is a normal reaction to the revelation of infidelity. Later chapters provide concrete ways of managing symptoms, such as obsessive ruminating, flashbacks, and hypervigilance. Both partners need to know what reactions to expect and how to cope with them. This is especially important because post-traumatic reactions continue in ever-changing forms throughout the recovery process.

- Promote goodwill and compa.s.sionate communication. Deposits into the relations.h.i.+p account are fostered by caring actions and words of appreciation. Most couples need guidelines to develop communication that is open, positive, and caring.

Is It Worth the Pain?

During this early stage of emotional upheaval, it can sometimes feel as if it isn't worth the effort it's going to take to rebuild your marriage. Sometimes you wonder whether you'd be better off cutting your losses and ending the marriage now. Unfortunately, there is bound to be pain whichever way you turn. The next chapter discusses whether you should pick up the pieces or throw in the towel. I must admit that my own bias is on the side of working on the relations.h.i.+p. Although each individual has to make his or her own decision, I hope that it won't be a hasty one. Please take your time to figure it out while you read on.

5.

SHOULD YOU PICK UP THE PIECES OR THROW IN THE TOWEL?.

"I don't know what to do. I'm d.a.m.ned if I stay and d.a.m.ned if I go.""Sometimes I feel like we've never been closer, and other times I feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy."

IN SOME cases, the revelation of an affair can bring a moment of utter clarity. Some involved partners, as soon as they are on the brink of losing their marriage, know in their bones that they want their marriage to survive. They may have swung easily from spouse to lover when they were living the double life, but once they are faced with the final choice, there is no doubt they want to keep the marriage. It's as though they've been living in a trance and the shock of the revelation snaps them back to reality. Some betrayed partners also react with the same clarity of purpose. They know that no matter what, they want their errant spouse to stay and work with them to make the marriage stronger. cases, the revelation of an affair can bring a moment of utter clarity. Some involved partners, as soon as they are on the brink of losing their marriage, know in their bones that they want their marriage to survive. They may have swung easily from spouse to lover when they were living the double life, but once they are faced with the final choice, there is no doubt they want to keep the marriage. It's as though they've been living in a trance and the shock of the revelation snaps them back to reality. Some betrayed partners also react with the same clarity of purpose. They know that no matter what, they want their errant spouse to stay and work with them to make the marriage stronger.

For others, the moment of clarity provides the energy to leave. Years of low-level dissatisfaction or downright unhappiness may be crystallized into the sharp realization that the marriage is over. When one partner externalizes those feelings by having an affair, the betrayal serves as evidence that the marriage is not working As painful as this revelation may be, either party can use it as a catalyst for deciding to divorce.