Not Just Friends Part 9

Scoring 0-1 match = Missed the target.

2-3 matches = Hit the target.

4-5 matches = Bull's-eye.

If you accurately guessed at least three things your partner had on his or her Guess List, then you have a good idea about how to do bull's-eye caring. You probably do not want to spend time and energy trying to please your partner with actions that are on the rim or totally off-target. You got a good idea about the bull's-eye caring that is already going on when you partic.i.p.ated in the first exercise and shared what pleases each of you. You can improve your accuracy and achieve even more bull's-eyes with what you have learned in "The Newlywed Game."

If you or your partner weren't too successful on "The Newlywed Game" because you don't know what pleases each other, you may have a communication problem. Perhaps you don't express your wishes clearly and need to strengthen your "I want" muscles. Or perhaps you don't listen to your partner's wishes and need to strengthen your "I hear you" muscles.

Sometimes, a "wrong" guess can uncover an unexpressed desire. Gina guessed that her husband, Gary, wanted her to cook big dinners every night. He said, "Well, actually, I didn't have that written down, but, come to think of it, I would really, really like that." And then she went on: "I think you want me to initiate s.e.x more often." And he said, "Now, that's a bull's-eye!"

For his part, Gary learned something new, too. He didn't realize that Gina wanted him to initiate affection that wasn't a prelude to s.e.xual intercourse. They agreed that he would initiate nons.e.xual affection more often and she would initiate s.e.x in an obvious way by touching him rather than by her usual pa.s.sive means, such as wearing a new nightgown to bed.

Resistance to Caring Sooner or later, either partner may feel some resistance to the caring process. Resistance can be to doing caring things, to receiving caring things, or to acknowledging or appreciating caring things. Resistance to caring can indicate ambivalence or anxiety about working on the marriage. It is important to spot the signs of resistance and to understand the reasons one or both partners may be reluctant to reach out with affection and appreciation. Progress will feel at a standstill until resistance to caring is overcome.

Resistance to caring can indicate that the involved partner still has a strong emotional attachment to the lover. The unfaithful partner who acts too loving in the marriage may feel disloyal to the affair partner. In the worst situations, resistance is a sign that the affair isn't over.

Signs of Resistance One sign of resistance is an unwillingness to please your partner by carrying out specific requests to be more involved at home or to be more loving. Isaac was discouraged because whenever he asked Inez to watch TV with him, she seemed to have some excuse to avoid being alone with him. In another example, Tony kept ignoring Tracie's wish for him to take a bigger role in helping out with the children's homework.

You can spot resistance when you hear someone saying "Yes, but...": "Yes, you cleaned the dishes, but you didn't sweep the kitchen floor." When you follow something positive with a "but," the other person will soon learn that nothing is good enough. It's like using a block delete on the computer: it erases whatever positive statement may have preceded it. Think about how it feels when someone says, "Yes, that new outfit is a nice color, but the style makes you look a little heavy."

Another sign of resistance is to discount your partner's positive actions or traits. Discounting occurs when the other person makes attempts to be caring, and you minimize or invalidate the efforts: "You're only doing that to look good in front of the therapist," or "I know you really don't want to have s.e.x with me. You never really liked s.e.x. You're only doing it because you don't want me to get angry. You'll probably resent it later." The message here is that no matter what you do, it isn't going to work. Specifically: "No matter what you do, I'm not going to allow it to influence me. I know that you can't really change enough to please me. My mind is made up."

Overcoming Resistance At this point, if you are staying together only for the sake of the children, you may develop additional, stronger reasons later as your relations.h.i.+p improves. Use whatever resources you have to create a warm, loving family environment. Over time, your original motivation can evolve into staying together because of the pleasures in the marital relations.h.i.+p.

One betrayed wife conveyed what it was like in the beginning of the recovery process, when commitment without caring felt like it wasn't going to be enough: "My husband has recommitted to me after having an affair. That's what I wanted, but I also feel disappointed. A lot of the time, it feels empty. I can see that he wants to be with the kids and for us to be a family, but I don't feel that he has really chosen me." Fortunately, she and her husband stuck with it and had the pleasure of falling in love with each other once again.

- Even if you cant quite manage to be caring yourself and are reluctant to go overboard with appreciation, you can at least notice your partner's efforts. Comment on actions that indicate considerate behaviors: "I noticed you put all of the dishes in the dishwasher. The kitchen looks nice and clean" "It was helpful that you called to say you'd be late coming home" "The flowers you brought home look pretty in the sunroom" "Dinner tonight was delicious." From these little seeds fully expressed appreciation and mutual caring can grow.

- Don't wait for your partner to initiate just because you feel that you deserve special treatment. Resistance can come from either the involved partner or the betrayed partner. Sometimes people are scared and don't want to take the risk of rejection, so they wait for their partner to go first. Either one may have a hard time remembering all the good things their partner has done for them in the past. One betrayed husband put it this way: "I can't believe I'm supposed to be nice to my wife after what she did to me. The truth is, a lot of the time I want to hurt her. I want her to feel some of the rejection and hurt that I'm feeling."

- Walk the walk before you feel the feelings. Sometimes people are under the mistaken impression that they have to "feel" it before they can do it. It's good to know that behavior can sometimes precede actual feelings. If you can act appreciative even before you feel it, the chances are good that loving feelings will follow. Discover the value of pretending that the changes you desire have already been made. Act as if your relations.h.i.+p is as secure and caring as you would like it to be. Small adjustments lead to more permanent and positive patterns of interaction.

- Be the kind of partner you have always wished for, so that you will know you've done your best. The att.i.tude "If you do something nice for me, I'll do something nice for you" is an excuse not to change. You are allowing yourself to be controlled and brought down to the level of someone who is not acting very nicely. When you look back, you won't be plagued by all kinds of shouldas/couldas if the relations.h.i.+p doesn't work out. Besides, you just might get the ball rolling in the right direction. If you act the same way you'd behave if you were married to your "dream" partner, your own dreams are more likely to come true.

- Treat any display of affection as valid "in the moment," not as a sign of eternal commitment. This will free you and your partner to act spontaneously when you feel some warmth toward each other. Sometimes, openly ambivalent partners deliberately restrain themselves from demonstrating spontaneous feelings of affection to guard against communicating more devotion than they feel. Involved partners may not want to act on their positive impulses of the moment for fear it will be misinterpreted as a firm commitment to stay. At times, involved partners feel the full impact of guilt about what they have done to someone they love and respect. At other times, they fall back on their original story of justification for the affair to help themselves deny their guilt. This internal seesaw can lead to inconsistent caring. I In research about "the good marriage" by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, the well-being of the couple was regarded as more important than the separate desires of either partner.

- Give freely, but don't act as if you're giving in. There's a big difference between giving and giving in. If you give willingly to please your partner, you will feel like a winner. But if you give in out of guilt or because you feel coerced, your resentment will make losers of you both. And if you think that sticking to your guns and refusing to please your partner is a winning position, think again. There is no way that you can win if your partner loses. Think of your caring actions as giving to the relations.h.i.+p-a definite win-win situation for both of you. What is good for the relations.h.i.+p will be good for you.

Repair 3: Learning Compa.s.sionate Communication "My spouse doesn't understand me the way you do" is a common refrain in affairs. Unfaithful partners often say that a significant attraction to the affair partner is feeling so accepted. What they are really saying is that their lover was skilled at listening and empathizing.

On a train going from Baltimore to New York, I was captivated by the conversation of the couple sitting behind me. The woman was one of the best empathic listeners I have ever encountered. The interesting part of this story is that they appeared to he strangers. The man was highly opinionated. As he talked about his reactions to different events in his life, she would say, "I understand how you could have felt that way." He gradually opened up more and more. I wondered whether he and his wife had such intimate conversations. If they had had an opportunity to continue their relations.h.i.+p, it could easily have turned into an affair because he felt so well understood and accepted.

Compa.s.sionate communication skills are indispensable to the recovery process after an affair. The goal of compa.s.sionate communication is to use language as a means of creating a more intimate bond. Whether or not you and your partner were good communicators before the affair, your recovery together requires that you become so now. Couples who have difficulty discussing where to vacation or how to deal with an intrusive mother-in-law are really going to have trouble talking to each other about infidelity. Using four proven tools for compa.s.sionate communication will allow you and your partner to forge a more positive bond.

Tool 1: Inhibit, Inhibit, Inhibit Think about your intent. If your intent is to vent your spleen, then it doesn't matter how you say it. You may feel better afterward because you've gotten rid of all those toxins, but the other person feels poisoned. If your intent is to help the other person understand where you're coming from or make a request for change or to do something differently, how you say it makes a big difference. If you come on strong, even it you're not nasty but merely overly persuasive, the other person will resist being influenced by you.

One zinger will erase twenty acts of kindness, according to researchers Cliff Notarius and Howard Markman.8

Inhibit nasty outbursts. So often, after the explosion of discovery, people react by using words as weapons. It is tempting to attack with anger when you are actually afraid and to become insulting when you are hurt or jealous. Staying conscious of your goal to increase safety and goodwill will enable you to exercise some self-control. Popular ideas to the contrary, it is not helpful to "let it all hang out." Too many unmonitored emotional outbursts get in the way of future healing.

Inhibit negative cycling. One of the things that characterize distressed couples is t.i.t-for-tat negativity. This happens when partners feed off each other's words or facial and body expressions until the negativity escalates to a high pitch. You can avoid this negative cycling by refusing to add more fuel to the fire. Don't allow yourself to be triggered by your partner. The best defense is not a good offense. When you come to an impa.s.se over some point, table it, take time out, and make an appointment to talk about it later. When you get back together, you can resume the discussion in a more cooperative frame of mind.

You can disagree without being disagreeable. It's natural to disagree, but for your own good you have to hear what your partner is saying. Get to the bottom of the issue that is being discussed. When partners can hear each other and accept each other's point of view (regardless of whether they agree with it), they are making progress. One way to be sure you are getting the point is to acknowledge each other's statements. This usually decreases contentiousness because people tend to soften when they feel they are being heard and understood. A partner who believes you heard the main point is more likely to listen to your point of view.

Inhibit rehas.h.i.+ng. Don't get into conflicts about conversations that occurred in the past. Couples get hung up on what they did or didn't say last week, and they become furious about their clash of memories. Just let it go, and say, "Okay, let's start fresh. What is your position on this issue right now?" After you state your present positions, check it out with your partner that you heard each other securately this time. If you can't discuss some topics safely, you can come up with a shared list of forbidden topics that you agree not to bring up until safety and goodwill have been reestablished in your relations.h.i.+p.

Inhibit interrupting, contradicting, and confronting discrepancies. Wait for each other to finish before speaking. It takes remarkable restraint to hold back when your partner says something that seems inappropriate or downright dishonest. You might be inclined to stop unwarranted attacks by rus.h.i.+ng in to defend yourself, or to stop what you perceive as unmitigated lies, but your partner won't hear your point of view while he or she is still talking. Wait until your partner is completely finished and then state your perspective as calmly as possible.

Inhibit a.n.a.lyzing, mind reading, and editorializing. You will not get any relations.h.i.+p awards for your brilliance at a.n.a.lyzing your partner's motives. In fact, you will probably achieve high honors in the resentment category. Very few people are warmed by the notion that a partner knows their intentions better than they do themselves.

Tool 2: Play Ping-Pong Too many conversations sound like people at board meetings who remain silent without listening until it is their turn at the mike. Because these ego-driven individuals are interested only in serving the ball, they rarely acknowledge others' comments. People who enjoy talking to each other have a rhythm of going back and forth like a good game of Ping-Pong.

Don't hold the ball. Break your message down into short chunks so that the other person can absorb and respond to it. If you hold onto the conversational ball too long, your partner is likely to glaze over and drop out of the game.

Take turns. Dialogues are much more productive than monologues. Only on debating teams does each person make a long speech and then listen quietly for the reb.u.t.tal. You are striving for real communication, not a debate where one of you scores points off the other.

Practice alternating between being the speaker and being the listener. As the listener, listen attentively and let your body language signal your receptivity. Don't interrupt. When the speaker is finished, acknowledge what you've heard and then respond with your own perspective.

Research-based communication skills training programs suggest using a square piece of vinyl tile to represent "the floor." Partic.i.p.ants in speaker-listener exercises pa.s.s "the floor" back and forth as a reminder of whose turn it is to be the speaker.9

Tool 3: Use "I" Messages as the Speaker I have observed that many individuals use "I" and "you" in exact opposition to the techniques that foster compa.s.sionate communication. When they are in the role of speaker, instead of saying, "I am hurt that ..." they say, "You never think about me." When they are in the role of listener, instead of saying, "So what you think about that is ..." they respond with, "I think that ..."

Focus on expressing your own feelings. First go inside yourself and figure out what you are thinking and feeling. Express yourself directly without emoting, blaming, or interpreting. When you stick to how you feel, your partner cannot argue with you or become defensive. For example, "I get so scared and anxious every time we get a hang-up phone call."

Focus on positive aspects in your requests for change. The basic template is this: When you do A (this undesirable thing), I feel B (some negative feeling). When you do C (the thing I desire), I feel D (some positive feeling). The goal of this kind of communication is for the speaker to express wishes in the manner that will have the greatest likelihood of influencing the other person without creating a defensive response.

Jessica was in the car talking to her husband, John, on the cell phone. He said he would be home from the office at 6:00 and would set the table and make the salad for dinner. She got home at 6:40, but he wasn't home yet. When he opened the front door at 7:00, she said, "When you told me you were going to get home before me and make the salad, I felt happy. When I came home and saw you hadn't done it, I was disappointed." This was instead of saying: "You never get home when you say you're going to" or "I should have known better than to think you'd keep your word."

John Gottman found that in loving couples, wives broached touchy subjects with "softened startups," and husbands showed respect by accepting the influence of their wives.10

Tool 4: Be a Good Listener Women often complain that their male partners are poor communicators. Injured partners similarly complain that the involved partners don't communicate with them about their feelings or about the infidelity. What they usually mean is that their partners don't talk enough. The complaining partners think that they themselves are good communicators because they have a lot to say. However, communication is not a two-way street in which you talk and then I talk. If we just talk and talk, n.o.body is listening. Without listening, there is no real communication.

Communication is a four-way street, in which messages are not only sent, but received: you send I acknowledge receipt of your message I send you acknowledge receipt of my message. The best way to encourage your partner to talk more is for you to listen more and talk less.

Each of you can demonstrate with nonverbal behaviors that you are listening. Maintain eye contact and nod your head if you resonate with what is being said, or engage in back-channeling utterances like "Uh-huh," which means I hear you. You will both gain confidence that your partner is willing to partic.i.p.ate in the process of healing the rift.

Acknowledge what you hear. The heart of active listening is to acknowledge that you heard not only your partner's words but also his or her inner voice. You can demonstrate active listening on three different verbal levels:11 1. Reflecting is the foundation of active listening. A reflecting response is a mirror that acknowledges what you just heard, like a sounding board that echoes the transmission. For example, "So, what you're saying is that it makes you very anxious when we get hang-up calls."

2. Validating is the next level of active listening. When you validate your partner, you substantiate the validity of what he or she is saying. For example, "You're right. We have been receiving a lot of hang-up calls lately, and it could be [the affair partner] trying to contact me."

3. Empathizing is the deepest level of listening. You exhibit empathy for your partner when you show that you understand the underlying emotions behind the message. For example, "You must feel a wave of panic when we get one of those hang-up calls because it might look to you like my affair isn't really over."

Provide support without problem solving. Put your fix-it remedies in storage until your partner actually asks you directly, "What do you think I should do about this?" Try to relate to your partner's emotions without trying to solve the problem.

Gayle told Gordon at dinner how impossible her boss had been that day. When Gordon said, "I told you that you should quit that job," Gayle thought, "Next time, I'll keep my frustrations to myself." What she really wanted was a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Gordon learned that Gayle was more comforted when he said, "I know you had a really rough day today. I understand how upsetting it is to have a boss who is such a jerk."

Provide support without empty rea.s.surances. It may be counterintuitive, but validating your partner's worst fears is actually helpful. You may be afraid that by validating the negative, you will intensify your partner's negativity. Many people believe that acknowledging the reality of their loved one's fears will only make things worse. But minimizing feelings will make your partner feel all alone, and the burden will seem even heavier. As strange as it may seem, taking your partner's concerns seriously is not only validating but actually relieves some of the emotional distress.

It is difficult to listen to a partner's pain in any case, but this is particularly true if you are the cause of the injury. A natural response is to offer rea.s.surances, such as "Don't think about it. It's going to work out fine." However, rea.s.surance does not feel like support. Rea.s.surance feels like cheerleading in the middle of a funeral.

Instead of saying "Time heals all wounds," you can comfort each other by acknowledging "Of course you're upset. Anyone would be upset."

Compa.s.sionate Communication Do's and Don'ts

Creating an Empathic Process One of the best predictors of how successful a couple is going to be in saving their marriage after infidelity is how much empathy they have for each other. More important than the actual problems that exist in the marriage is whether each person can walk for a while in the other s shoes. Can the involved partner feel what the betrayed spouse is going through and understand the humiliation, the anger, and the need to go over and over what has happened in the past? Can the betrayed partner feel the loss and the guilt that the unfaithful spouse is living through?

Here's a concluding example of how both partners s.h.i.+fted into an empathie process after a false start. An unfaithful wife was scheduled to go to her company picnic, where her former affair partner was going to be present. Spouses were not invited.

Husband: I don't want you going to the office picnic because he'll be there.Wife: I have to go. Politically, it's not good for me if I don't go.

This first interchange wasn't nearly as productive as the one that took place later that day At that point, they delved deeper into the risks involved to them as a couple of either going or not going. Notice that this time, they approach it as a joint problem that they are trying to solve together.

Wife: What would it be like for you if I went to the office picnic?Husband: It makes me uncomfortable.Wife: Is there any way I could make it easier for you?Husband: What are the consequences if you don't go? Is there anything we could do for damage control?

This couple s.h.i.+fted from playing singles and being on opposite sides of the tennis net to a doubles game where the fallout from the affair was tackled together. Every little step you take toward each other counts. Little investments that you make now can lead to big dividends. Find the place inside your relations.h.i.+p where you are still connected by caring and affection. Expand that spot until it grows larger. Know that there is reason to hope. The communication skills you learn and practice now will always serve you well. Exploring the meaning of the affair can be accomplished only in an atmosphere of caring, commitment, and compa.s.sionate communication. Of course, there will be setbacks, ups and downs. They are part of the normal process of recovery.

So far, we have worked on feeling the feelings, establis.h.i.+ng safety, and coping with traumatic reactions. Now it is time to construct a story about who each of you is and what has happened in your marriage and in the affair. From the stories in Part III, you will come to understand why the affair happened and what you can do to rebuild a strong and happy marriage that will be less vulnerable in the future.

PART III.

The Search for Meaning

A vital part of trauma recovery is telling the story of what happened. The only way for anyone to comprehend what seems an incomprehensible event is through the search for meaning. After any personal loss or unimaginable catastrophe, we need to piece together what happened and talk about our experience. Rescue workers receive debriefing, bereaved family members join support groups, and trauma victims create a narrative of their experience. Expressing the emotions and telling the story is the best pathway to healing. This applies to the trauma of an affair, too. If you don't know the story of the affair, you may recover but you will not heal-the wounds will always be there. vital part of trauma recovery is telling the story of what happened. The only way for anyone to comprehend what seems an incomprehensible event is through the search for meaning. After any personal loss or unimaginable catastrophe, we need to piece together what happened and talk about our experience. Rescue workers receive debriefing, bereaved family members join support groups, and trauma victims create a narrative of their experience. Expressing the emotions and telling the story is the best pathway to healing. This applies to the trauma of an affair, too. If you don't know the story of the affair, you may recover but you will not heal-the wounds will always be there.

When you're telling the story of the affair, how you talk together is even more important than what you say. The story of the affair is not just about what happened in the affair itself. The story must include the context in which the affair occurred. This part of the book will help you explore infidelity from different perspectives. The story of the marriage will provide a framework to understand whether relations.h.i.+p vulnerabilities set the stage for an affair. The unfaithful partner must be understood through his or her personal history, att.i.tudes, and unmet needs. Looking at outside influences is also an essential part of the story since infidelity flourishes in an environment of social approval. Understanding the dynamics of the unmarried affair partner will be helpful for all three people affected by the extramarital triangle.

In the process of exploring each of these perspectives, the couple discovers what created vulnerability to an affair in the first place. Four Vulnerability Maps (Individual, Relations.h.i.+p, Social, and Single Woman) in each relevant chapter will help you to a.s.sess your susceptibility to becoming involved in an extramarital triangle. Vulnerabilities must be understood before a couple can weave their stories into a meaningful narrative that accounts for what led to the affair, what sustained it, and how it was resolved.

8.

THE STORY OF THE AFFAIR.

Everybody, including our therapist, tells me I'm crazy to keep on digging for details.I only know that I can't rest until I know the whole story.

THE BETRAYED partner's drive to hear about the inner life of the affair is more than just a desire to satisfy curiosity or uncover more lies. Knowing the true story behind a trauma is the only way the victim can stop obsessing and begin to heal. partner's drive to hear about the inner life of the affair is more than just a desire to satisfy curiosity or uncover more lies. Knowing the true story behind a trauma is the only way the victim can stop obsessing and begin to heal.1 Betrayed partners need to discuss what they had been feeling, what they suspected, and what they already know. Then they need to fill in all of the missing pieces. Betrayed partners need to discuss what they had been feeling, what they suspected, and what they already know. Then they need to fill in all of the missing pieces.

Because affairs are secret, betrayed partners can't resolve their grief over their loss of innocence until they know what really happened. Unfaithful partners who lie about the details cause more harm than good because the only way to restore a betrayed partner's sanity is to be honest about what has, up to now, been concealed.

The burning question for betrayed partners is: "How do I know you won't betray me again?" They can answer this only by knowing what led to the infidelity and what kept it going. In the first stage of discovery, unfaithful partners either lied or were brutally honest, and betrayed partners were both fragile and attacking. But discussing the affair now that goodwill has been established will help put it to rest for both partners. The final story of the affair should be co-constructed by both partners to account for all of the secrets, unanswered questions, and contrasting interpretations and attributions.

Although involved partners might resist sharing the story of the affair, it's important to realize that anything that is good for the relations.h.i.+p will ultimately be good for them personally. Also, involved partners need to tell the story for their own recovery: to understand how and why they crossed the line into an affair. Letting the secrets out of the bag helps them detach from the affair partner and dissolve the romantic fantasy.

Why It's Important to Tell I'm convinced that it is crucial to tell the story of the affair. My conviction is based on my own clinical experience with couples as well as the experience of trauma therapists and other infidelity researchers. But not all therapists agree with me. Many of them believe, right along with their unfaithful clients, that the less said about the affair, the better. To complicate matters, well-intentioned friends and family members usually advise "Be quiet. Talking about it just makes it worse."

Of the 465 therapists in my survey, 41 percent believe that "a spouse's desire to know details of the partner's extramarital involvement should be discouraged by the therapist."

Yet betrayed partners themselves verify that knowing the details is beneficial. Peggy Vaughan's on-line survey of 1,083 betrayed partners found that couples who thoroughly discussed the affair were more likely to stay married. Open discussion and honest communication led to restored trust and an improved relations.h.i.+p that was even better than before the affair.2

In Vaughn's survey: (1) when the unfaithful spouse answered all questions, 86 percent of couples remained married and 72 percent rebuilt trust; (2) when the unfaithful spouse refused to answer questions, 59 percent remained married and 31 percent rebuilt trust.

Research by Jennifer Schneider and her colleagues found that honesty is crucial for both s.e.x addicts and their spouses.3 Nearly every betrayed wife of a male s.e.x addict felt that she should be the one to decide how much to be told. Most did not ask for information they were not ready to hear. Nearly every betrayed wife of a male s.e.x addict felt that she should be the one to decide how much to be told. Most did not ask for information they were not ready to hear.4 Telling the Truth Rebuilds Trust To cleanse the lying that occurred during the affair and in the early stages of revelation, the involved partner needs to be totally honest. Only information offered freely can clear the air.

Fill in the Missing Pieces Telling the story of the affair replaces a fictionalized account with the truth. It is totally shattering and disorienting to find out that intrigue and deceptiveness were going on while you were a.s.suming everything was normal. That's why both partners need to get out their calendars, discuss the receipts, and review the cell phone calls. Things won't make sense to the betrayed partner until all the missing pieces are accounted for.

After Rachel discovered Ralph's affair, she needed to make sense of the time before she was aware of his involvement with Lara. She zealously scrutinized the calendar as a key to what had really happened. She had many questions she still wanted Ralph to answer: - When we had such great s.e.x at the beach, were you still turned on from being with Lara the day before?