Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 10

She may be concerned that you raising this issue will make people at school think she is s.e.xually active or a "s.l.u.t." She may be concerned about looking like she is calling in a parent to fight her battles for her. She may be concerned that the teacher will single her out in cla.s.s if you approach the school about the curriculum. All of these are valid concerns, and depending on which concerns your daughter has, you have a few things to think about.

First, it's important to let your daughter know you respect her concerns and that you won't take action on this issue without consulting her and keeping her informed. Second, you need to weigh the costs and benefits of taking action.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Try to figure out if there is a way you can achieve the benefits without the negative impacts for your daughter. You might want to approach an organization like Planned Parenthood or SIECUS about the problem so it can con- tact the school about your concerns anonymously and your family won't be singled out.

Maybe after you and your daughter have a good talk about the issue, she will change her mind and be supportive of your intervention. Maybe she would prefer to take on the issue herself with some friends from the cla.s.s. But be prepared for the possibility that she just isn't comfortable with your getting involved in this. If, after a good discussion of the issue, she is still not comfortable, it might be best to back off.

Take home point one: No matter what is going on in their school, make sure your children are getting accurate and effective s.e.x education at home and from other sources. No matter what is going on in their school, make sure your children are getting accurate and effective s.e.x education at home and from other sources.

Take home point two: Don't let fighting a battle in the community damage your relations.h.i.+p with your child. If you decide to take the issue on, keep your child in the loop, take her concerns seriously, and try to work together to come up with a way to approach the issue. Think creatively to find a solution that you can both live with. Don't let fighting a battle in the community damage your relations.h.i.+p with your child. If you decide to take the issue on, keep your child in the loop, take her concerns seriously, and try to work together to come up with a way to approach the issue. Think creatively to find a solution that you can both live with.

Q: It seems that all of my daughter's friends are getting "promise rings" from their fundamentalist Christian dads. We are certainly not going to do that, but it makes my daughter look like the s.l.u.t in the crowd. How can I help her with this issue?

A: This provides an excellent opportunity to talk with your daughter about your family's values related to s.e.xuality. Make sure she understands that just because your family has no specific rule to abstain until marriage, it doesn't mean that you don't have values. Help her to think through issues like health and safety, respecting yourself and your partner, and waiting until you are ready instead of giving into pressure. Once you've talked through these things, it might help your daughter to role-play a conversation with her friends about her values. If she is comfortable explaining what her values are, then she will be able to respond to anyone who insinuates that she is a s.l.u.t because she doesn't have a promise ring.

It's also possible that your daughter may be feeling left out of this ritual that all of her friends seem to have with their families. You may want to come up your own way of recognizing your daughter's transition to adolescence.

Perhaps you might even incorporate a special piece of jewelry into this occa-110sion. That way when her friends are showing off their promise rings, your daughter will have her own symbol to point to of how much her parents care about her, trust her, and recognize that she is growing up.

Q: How can I guide my child into standing up for what she wants to do and not to be pressured into having s.e.x when she isn't ready?

A: Arming your child with correct information is a necessary part of helping him or her avoid being pressured. There's no shortage of myths that peers or partners may use to try to pressure someone into s.e.x. They may claim that "everyone" is doing it. Statistics indicate otherwise: About half of high school students reported having had s.e.xual intercourse in a 1999 study-which means, of course, that roughly half are not. 14 14 That large percentage can let your kids know that they are in good company if they choose to wait. That large percentage can let your kids know that they are in good company if they choose to wait.

Partners may use myths like "blue b.a.l.l.s"-the claim that men who have become s.e.xually aroused will suffer agonizing pain if s.e.x is not forthcoming- to make their partner go all the way. Letting your kids know that there is no such thing is a great start to helping them overcome this kind of pressure. You can also point out that their partner has the option of masturbation to relieve s.e.xual tension.

In addition to correct information, kids need a sense of self-worth and the courage to do what they believe is right. They also need to understand what a healthy s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p involves-consent rather than coercion or exploitation. Talking through possible scenarios is one way to help your kids develop s.e.xual decision-making skills.

Additionally, encourage kids to talk openly with their partners about s.e.x- ual decision making. Both boys and girls need to know how to say no and mean it, and both boys and girls need to understand that they need to listen and stop when a partner says no. In dating relations.h.i.+ps, when things go further than one partner would like, sometimes it is because the partners weren't communicating clearly about what was okay and what was too far. A good guideline for encouraging your kids to talk with their partners about s.e.x is that if they aren't comfortable talking with their partner about it, then they shouldn't be doing it with their partner.

Q: My son is about to turn 12, the age when boys often begin experimenting with masturbation. I remember having a lot of feelings of guilt and shame during this time. How can I talk to my son about this?

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief A: Congratulations on recognizing the need to do this. In the absence of communication on the issue, boys are virtually guaranteed to feel tremendous and unnecessary shame and guilt. A few words can do wonders. Simply let him know * What masturbation is.

* That it's a normal thing nearly everyone does at some point.

* That it's a natural indication that the body is becoming ready for s.e.xual activity and reproduction.

* That all of the stories about grave consequences are complete nonsense.

* That although it is not shameful, it is private.

Invite his questions and answer them straightforwardly.

Q: Are his religious peers likely to get different messages about masturbation from their parents?

A: Yes, and it's best to let him know that. Regardless of their families' religious orientations, your son's peers are most likely to hear nothing at all from their parents about masturbation. But if they are are religious, they may hear that it is sinful or perverse. The majority of traditional religions explicitly condemn masturbation, often in weirdly over-the-top terms. religious, they may hear that it is sinful or perverse. The majority of traditional religions explicitly condemn masturbation, often in weirdly over-the-top terms.

The Catholic catechism calls masturbation "an intrinsically and gravely disordered action." 15 15 One popular nineteenth-century Jewish theologian called it "a graver sin than any other in the Torah. One popular nineteenth-century Jewish theologian called it "a graver sin than any other in the Torah. "16 "16 Mormonism teaches that "masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit," while s.h.i.+'a Islam forbids it completely, quoting sect founder (and son-in-law of Muhammad) Imam Mormonism teaches that "masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit," while s.h.i.+'a Islam forbids it completely, quoting sect founder (and son-in-law of Muhammad) Imam Ali as saying "one who m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.es commits a sin equal to killing me eighty times." 17 17 Ay caramba! Ay caramba!

But at least one influential religious conservative has voiced support for a more accepting, naturalistic parenting approach to masturbation-and has been excoriated for it by his fellows. The following pa.s.sage refers to a conversation he had as a boy with his minister father: We were riding in the car, and my dad said, "Jim, when I was a boy, I wor- ried so much about masturbation. It really became a scary thing for me because I thought G.o.d was condemning me for what I couldn't help. So I'm telling you now that I hope you don't feel the need to engage in this act when you reach the teen years, but if you do, you shouldn't be too con-112cerned about it. I don't believe it has much to do with your relations.h.i.+p with G.o.d." What a compa.s.sionate thing my father did for me that night in the car. 18 18 Aside from "I hope you don't feel the need" and the reference to G.o.d, this is a message nonreligious parents can relate to. And it comes from none other than James Dobson.

He still tangles it with silliness, suggesting that boys in the act think not of any girls they know but only of their "eventual wives." Christian author Herbert J. Miles goes one better, suggesting that boys pray first, thanking G.o.d for the gift of s.e.xuality, then think only of him during o.r.g.a.s.m (which certainly gives "Oh, G.o.d!" a whole new meaning). 19 19 But let's give credit to both of them for getting the basic message right and thereby reducing the number of children growing up with unnecessary self-loathing and s.e.xual repression. But let's give credit to both of them for getting the basic message right and thereby reducing the number of children growing up with unnecessary self-loathing and s.e.xual repression.

At least we've progressed since pilgrim days when the Puritan colony of New Haven, Connecticut, specified the death penalty for "blasphemers, ho- mos.e.xuals and masturbators"! 20 20 Q: My 16-year-old and I are able to talk openly about s.e.xuality. I've always stressed that s.e.x is natural and enjoyable if you do it safely, make sure you and your partner are respectful of each other, and wait until you are ready to handle the responsibilities it brings. My teenager has been in a relations.h.i.+p for several months and came to me and said that she and her partner have talked about s.e.x, and they think they are ready. How can I raise the concerns I have while keeping the open communication that we have built? Even though I trust my daughter and think she makes good choices, it's hard for me to be comfortable with her taking this step.

A: Although there is no single correct answer to this question, families must take the same basic issues into consideration. And as with all naturalistic parenting, consequences are key: Legal consequences. The legal age of consent for s.e.xual intercourse varies by state in the United States but is generally between 16 and 18 (Ten-nessee and Pennsylvania recognize consent as young as age 13 in some The legal age of consent for s.e.xual intercourse varies by state in the United States but is generally between 16 and 18 (Ten-nessee and Pennsylvania recognize consent as young as age 13 in some cases). The age difference between partners is often relevant in deter- mining questions of legality (e.g., whether s.e.xual contact const.i.tutes statutory rape). If your child is under 18, a close look at the laws in your state should precede any discussion.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Personal consequences. A healthy s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p must be fully consensual, regardless of age. Make sure your child knows that s.e.x must A healthy s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p must be fully consensual, regardless of age. Make sure your child knows that s.e.x must never be used to try to "earn" someone else's love and that neither partner should be pressured in any way. A good rule: If you aren't sure whether you are ready, you aren't-and any partner who pressures or threatens is not worth being with.

There are countless bad reasons for having s.e.x: because friends are already doing so, because she thinks she "should have" by now, be- cause a partner is pressuring her, or because a person is worried about the consequences of saying no.

Invite your child to consider other options for expressing love and relieving the natural s.e.xual tension that comes with adolescence.

Physical consequences. No matter what precautions are taken, heteros.e.xual intercourse should always be seen as an act that can lead to No matter what precautions are taken, heteros.e.xual intercourse should always be seen as an act that can lead to pregnancy. If that consequence would be unthinkable, intercourse should also be unthinkable. Make sure your child knows that the sto- ries of "sure-fire ways" to avoid pregnancy (coitus interruptus, certain positions, first s.e.x, etc.) are myths.

Make sure that she and her partner have a good plan in place for preventing pregnancy and disease. This is an important thing to talk about even though you are encouraging her to hold off, because you won't be there when the moment arrives where she makes the deci- sion. You can frame this discussion in terms like "If you decide to go ahead, what is your plan for protection?" You may want to offer to make an appointment for your daughter with a gynecologist (most likely not the same doctor her mother sees) to talk about birth control and disease prevention options. Sometimes teens are more comfort- able talking with a medical professional rather than a parent about specific options, and a gynecologist will have information that you may not. You can make it clear that since she's considering s.e.x, it is a good time to see the gynecologist, regardless of whether she decides to have s.e.x with her partner, and that seeing the gynecologist doesn't in any way mean that she has to take that step.

If you have confidence in your child's decision making and maturity, this guidance should be sufficient to make sure she is taking all factors into account and making a decision with the head as well as the heart.

114.Q: My daughter wants to join the GLBT Allies Club, but she is being called a lesbian by some of the conservative religious kids at school. What can I say to help her with this situation?

A: Remind your daughter that the reason she is interested in joining the club is that she knows that there is nothing wrong with being gay or lesbian. Ask her why she is concerned that these kids are calling her a lesbian. Is she offended?

Is she worried that the rumor will keep boys from asking her out? Is it something else?

Compliment her on her courage and the empathy that made her inter- ested in joining the club. Ask what her friends think about those who join the club. Ask whose opinions she most respects and what those those people think of the club. Let her know that you are proud of her for standing on the right side of one of the foremost civil rights issues of our day and that you would completely support her joining the club. people think of the club. Let her know that you are proud of her for standing on the right side of one of the foremost civil rights issues of our day and that you would completely support her joining the club.

This is also an excellent opportunity to underline the value of dissent discussed in Chapter 1. As much as anything, gay rights is about standing up for the right of others to be different as long as that difference does no harm.

It is also possible that your daughter is questioning her s.e.xual orientation and that being called a lesbian is. .h.i.tting a nerve because she isn't sure. This is a good time to let her know that you support her and love her regardless of her s.e.xual orientation. A way to do that subtly would be to talk about how silly it is that they are calling her a lesbian as though that is something to be ashamed of, because there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Let her know that she can really throw them off by saying, "So what if I was?" Whatever her s.e.xual orientation, she knows that being a lesbian is nothing to be ashamed of and can tell that to her cla.s.smates who don't seem to get it.

Q: I think my child might be gay. How do I let him know that it's okay with me, without putting him on the defensive about the issue or making an unwarranted a.s.sumption?

A: As a nonreligious parent, you have a real advantage here over many religious parents because you haven't raised your child in a setting that disapproves of h.o.m.os.e.xuality (or of difference in general). Even so, your child may still a.s.sume that you would disapprove of his being gay. One thing you should do is examine your own a.s.sumptions about gays and lesbians and educate yourself. Even nonreligious people are sometimes uncomfortable with h.o.m.os.e.xuality and may 115 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief have some stereotypes to overcome. A good place to start looking for resources is Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), an organization with local support groups and an excellent website ( www.pflag.org). Click on "Family and Friends" to learn about the process of having a loved one come out and to find answers to your questions. Click on "Family and Friends" to learn about the process of having a loved one come out and to find answers to your questions.

One thing that all parents can do, regardless of whether they think their child may be gay, is to send messages in the home that are inclusive and accepting of gay people. The att.i.tudes you model toward gays and lesbians are important, regardless of whether your child is gay, because they help form the att.i.tudes that your child will have toward people who are gay. Modeling an att.i.tude that is accepting toward gays and lesbians also helps establish an environment in which your child will feel comfortable coming out to you when he is ready if he identifies as gay.

One way to establish a welcoming environment is to try to use more gender-neutral language about your child's future relations.h.i.+p partners. Instead of asking your son, "Do you have a girlfriend?" you can ask, "Are you dating anyone?" Instead of telling your daughter that you hope she finds a good man, you can say, "I hope you find a partner who really appreciates you."

If the language you use doesn't presume that your child is heteros.e.xual, it sends a signal that it wouldn't be a problem for you if he or she isn't.

If you have friends or family members who are gay or lesbian, the rela- tions.h.i.+p with them that you model for your child is important. Your welcoming acceptance and normal interaction with these friends and family members shows your child that your relations.h.i.+p with him or her wouldn't be hurt if you learned that he or she is gay or lesbian. These friends or family members can also serve as people you might be able to turn to for advice and whom your child can talk to about his or her s.e.xual orientation. Ask them about how and when they came out to their parents and what their parents did that made that easier or harder.

You may get to a point where you want to address the issue more directly with your child. Try to find a natural opening into the conversation. If it feels forced or out of the blue, it is harder to have a good talk. Maybe your child will tell you about a friend who is gay and is afraid to tell his parents. Maybe you will watch a movie or a TV show where a character is struggling with coming out. You can use that as an opportunity to send a message without mak- ing any a.s.sumptions about your child. You might be able to say something like "I hope if you had something important like that going on in your life, you 116would know that I would listen to you and accept you, no matter what it was."

At that point your child may change the subject; if so, let the conversation move on. Just because your child doesn't take the opportunity to tell you right then and there doesn't mean that he didn't receive your message.

Justin Richardson and Mark A. Schuster's book Everything You Never Wanted Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About s.e.x (but Were Afraid They'd Ask) Your Kids to Know About s.e.x (but Were Afraid They'd Ask), which is reviewed in the Resources section, includes an excellent chapter about GLBT teens.

Q: What humanist ideas can help my kids resist the lure of drugs and other practices that threaten their health?

A: Both Parenting Beyond Belief Parenting Beyond Belief and and Raising Freethinkers Raising Freethinkers advocate reason-giving as a central tenet of good parenting. Rather than saying, "Drugs are bad-m'kay, don't use drugs," like Mr. Mackey in South Park, we want to follow up with information about advocate reason-giving as a central tenet of good parenting. Rather than saying, "Drugs are bad-m'kay, don't use drugs," like Mr. Mackey in South Park, we want to follow up with information about how how drugs can be harmful to your health and safety. drugs can be harmful to your health and safety.

As with all complex topics, the drug conversation shouldn't come out of the blue sky. From the earliest years, children should be made aware of how amazing their brains and bodies are. This leads naturally to a desire to treat them well and keep them working properly by putting good things in (healthy foods, plenty of fluids, etc.) and avoiding the bad (junk foods, poisons, etc).

This in turn forms a sensible foundation for later discussion about drugs and other risky behaviors. The humanist principles from the beginning of this chapter apply very well to issues of drugs and alcohol.For the sake of credibility and effectiveness, it's important to be well- informed yourself when you engage drug and alcohol questions. Generic warnings and scare tactics are less effective than specific, concrete information. Kids get information and ideas about drugs from many sources. Trying to scare them with horror stories that don't jibe with what they see happening around them will lead them to disregard what you say about drugs. If, instead, you approach them with real information about the risks and consequences of drug use and empower them with tools they need to resist unhealthy behaviors, kids are much more likely to make good decisions.

I highly recommend the book Just Say Know: Talking with Kids About Just Say Know: Talking with Kids About Drugs and Alcohol by Cynthia Kuhn, Scott Swartzwelder, and Wilkie Wilson. by Cynthia Kuhn, Scott Swartzwelder, and Wilkie Wilson.

The authors are scientists and parents and discuss the topic in a way that is approachable and informational. They don't take a tone of moral panic, preferring to suggest techniques that arm the kids with the information they need to make good decisions.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Q: My husband and I allow our kids a sip of our wine or beer at the dinner table.

My Baptist sister-in-law, visiting from out of town, saw us do this and hit the roof.

She warned that we were setting our kids up for a life of alcoholism and an early death. This seems ridiculous to me, but is there anything hard and fast I can offer to counter it?

A: Research indicates that your sister has it precisely backwards. As with so many other things (religion, s.e.xuality, death, etc.), children are more likely to develop dysfunctional and unhealthy habits and concepts if alcohol is made into forbidden fruit and a magical rite of pa.s.sage into adulthood.

"The best evidence shows that teaching kids to drink responsibly is better than shutting them off entirely from it," says Dr. Paul Steinberg, former director of counseling at Georgetown University. "You want to introduce your kids to it, and get across the point that this is to be enjoyed but not abused." 21 21 In his landmark 1983 study The Natural History of Alcoholism, The Natural History of Alcoholism, Harvard psychiatrist Dr. George E. Vaillant found that people who grew up in families where alcohol was forbidden at the table but consumed elsewhere were seven times more likely to be alcoholics that those who came from families where wine was served with meals but drunkenness was not tolerated. Harvard psychiatrist Dr. George E. Vaillant found that people who grew up in families where alcohol was forbidden at the table but consumed elsewhere were seven times more likely to be alcoholics that those who came from families where wine was served with meals but drunkenness was not tolerated.

Vaillant also looked at cross-cultural data, finding a much higher fre- quency of alcohol abuse in cultures that prohibit drinking among children but condone adult drunkenness (such as Ireland) and a relatively low occurrence of alcohol abuse in countries that allow children to occasionally sample wine or beer but frown on adult drunkenness (such as Italy). Moderate exposure coupled with mature adult modeling is the key.

Vaillant concluded that teens should be allowed to enjoy wine with fam- ily meals. "The way you teach responsibility," he noted recently, "is to let parents teach appropriate use." 22 22 This is another area in which you want to be informed about the laws in your state. In most states it is legal for parents to serve alcohol to their children, but not to others under the age of 21. Also, many states have a "not a drop" law that sets a legal limit of zero for the blood alcohol level of drivers under the age of 21, which you want to be aware of if your teenager has activities involving driving later in the evening.

Q: My son's friend is fighting depression. His family is "trusting in G.o.d" to pull him through. This is very hard for my son and us to watch. How should teens intervene (if at all) when they see a friend that is suffering and not getting help because of the family's religious beliefs?

118.A: It's not uncommon for religious families to receive very questionable advice regarding depression. One prominent Christian psychologist asks those with family members suffering from depression to consider whether "[the]

depression stem[s] from unconfessed sin, or guilt over past sins," to seek rest "as prescribed in the New Testament in Hebrews 4," and to try to "see the blessing in this difficulty" before he finally notes that medication may be needed. 23 23 If the family of your son's friend is mired in this head-in-the-sand ap- proach, it is crucial that your son intervene. The keys to helping those suffering from depression are (1) taking the person's depression seriously, (2) listening to the person's feelings and concerns, and (3) getting the person to seek out help from a (secular) medical professional.

Many depressed people do not know that depression is a recognizable and treatable disease. Your son's biggest contribution might simply be sharing this information, insisting his friend see a physician or mental health professional, and going with him. Reports are common of depressed teens declining to seek treatment until a friend offers to go along. Your son's willingness to intervene could very well save his friend's life.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Activities Role-Play Responses Ages 12+ Role-play situations in which your children have a choice to be pa.s.sive or active in the presence of h.o.m.ophobic language. Ask what they might say in the lunchroom with a group of kids when one person says, "Pete is such a f.a.g!" or on the bus when someone says, "That sweater is so gay."

Born Again!

Ages 36 Materials: sheet, 25-watt red light bulb, 6' length of yarn, drum sheet, 25-watt red light bulb, 6' length of yarn, drum Children with a sibling on the way are often interested in the birth process.

Create a reenactment with the child under a sheet (womb), a piece of yarn (umbilical cord) tied to the child's belt, and a single red low-wattage bulb in an otherwise darkened room. Simulate the mother's heartbeat with a small drum pulsing a beat. Press down (gently!) on the child with your hands to simulate contractions, at which point the heartbeat begins to increase in tempo. As the child emerges from the sheet, flip on the lights. Child squeals with delight. Be prepared to do it again . . . and again . . . and again.

Body Myth or Body Fact?

Ages 12+ Materials: blank index cards (other variations can include dice or a game board of your creation) blank index cards (other variations can include dice or a game board of your creation) Write a body/s.e.x myth or body/s.e.x fact on each of 3040 index cards. On the opposite side of each card, identify as MYTH or FACT. Examples: * s.e.x education results in kids having s.e.x earlier. (MYTH) * The U.S. average for first intercourse for girls is 17. (FACT) * Most teenagers are s.e.xually active. (MYTH) * You can't get pregnant the first time you have s.e.x. (MYTH) * Condoms keep you from feeling anything during s.e.x. (MYTH) * If you m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e, you can go blind. (MYTH) * 98 percent of boys m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e (FACT) 120.(Sources of myths and facts include the PBS website for IN THE MIX at www.pbs.org/inthemix/educators/lessons/s.e.x1/myths.html and the LiveScience Se and the LiveScience s.e.x Quiz at www.livescience.com/php/trivia/?quiz=s.e.x) Divide the family or group into two teams. Read a myth or fact about s.e.x- uality and have the teams compete for the right answer.

The v.a.g.i.n.a Monologues Ages 15+ Consider seeing a production of The v.a.g.i.n.a Monologues The v.a.g.i.n.a Monologues with your high schooler. Many college campuses put on productions of this play around with your high schooler. Many college campuses put on productions of this play around Valentine's Day (or V-Day) to support organizations opposing violence against women. Read up on the controversies surrounding the play and make your own decision regarding suitability. Other possibilities: Other possibilities: Rent a film dealing with issues of s.e.xual ident.i.ty and societal pressures. Consider Rent a film dealing with issues of s.e.xual ident.i.ty and societal pressures. Consider Before Night Falls Before Night Falls (2000), (2000), Philadelphia Philadelphia (1993), or (1993), or Brokeback Mountain Brokeback Mountain (2005). (2005).

Movie and a Chat Ages 15+ Go to an R-rated movie with your teen in exchange for a half-hour chat over pizza afterwards. (Based on a recommendation by Debra Haffner.) Create a Reference Library for s.e.xuality and Body Issues Ages 13+ Create a small library of books dealing with various issues related to s.e.xuality, body image, development, and gender ident.i.ty. Locate it in a private area of the house and invite your teen to make use of it.

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Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Resources s.e.xuality Information s.e.xuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) www.siecus.org A first-rate advocate for comprehensive science-based s.e.x education.

Religious Inst.i.tute on s.e.xual Morality, Justice, and Healing www.religiousinst.i.tute.org An outstanding counterpoint to conservative religious dogma regarding s.e.xuality.

Planned Parenthood www.plannedparenthood.org Excellent source of information and resources related to reproductive health.

Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) www.pflag.org A national nonprofit organization with over 200,000 members. "PFLAG pro- motes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bis.e.xual and transgender persons, their families and friends through: support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy, to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights."

Also see: www.anyoneandeveryone.com www.anyoneandeveryone.com. An outstanding information and advocacy site for parents of gay and lesbian persons.

COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) www.colage.org "A national movement of children, youth, and adults with one or more les- bian, gay, bis.e.xual, transgender, and/or queer parents."

Dr. Marty Klein-Straight talk on s.e.x, love, and intimacy www.s.e.xed.org Richardson, Justin, and Mark Schuster. Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About s.e.x (but Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your to Know About s.e.x (but Were Afraid They'd Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your 122 122Child's s.e.xual Development from Birth to the Teens (New York: Crown Publishers, 2003). A top-flight resource. Rather than treating s.e.xuality as something that suddenly pops up at p.u.b.erty, the authors cover s.e.xual development from birth onwards. Recommendations are based on actual data, and the authors are careful to let the reader know when they are offering an opinion and data is limited or inconclusive. They treat s.e.xual development as natural and pleasurable and provide information about STDs and unplanned pregnancy (New York: Crown Publishers, 2003). A top-flight resource. Rather than treating s.e.xuality as something that suddenly pops up at p.u.b.erty, the authors cover s.e.xual development from birth onwards. Recommendations are based on actual data, and the authors are careful to let the reader know when they are offering an opinion and data is limited or inconclusive. They treat s.e.xual development as natural and pleasurable and provide information about STDs and unplanned pregnancy in a way that is informative without taking a tone of moral panic. Last, they recognize that different parents will have different values related to s.e.xuality that they want to pa.s.s on to their kids, and they direct their advice to helping you pa.s.s on the messages that you want to pa.s.s on in a healthy way.

The presentation is accessible, containing threaded real and hypothetical parenting situations throughout the book. Includes an excellent chapter on children's s.e.xual orientation.

Haffner, Debra. Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's Guide to Raising s.e.xually Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's Guide to Raising s.e.xually Healthy Teens-From Middle School to High School and Beyond Healthy Teens-From Middle School to High School and Beyond (New York: Newmarket Press, 2001). Haffner draws on her expertise gained through (New York: Newmarket Press, 2001). Haffner draws on her expertise gained through twelve years as the CEO of SIECUS, the s.e.xuality Information and Education Council of the United States, as well as her personal experience raising children. Her daughter, aged 15 at the time of publication, wrote the Foreword for this book. Her focus on "teachable moments" rather than one "big talk" is really sensible. The book is accessible and provides helpful tools for parents to a.s.sess what their values are related to s.e.xuality in addition to providing insights on how to pa.s.s those values on to children and help them develop good s.e.xual decision-making skills. This book is the followup to her previous work, From Diapers to Dating From Diapers to Dating, and it focuses on middle school up through college, while the previous book focuses on the early years.

Krasny Brown, Laura, and Marc Brown. What's the Big Secret? Talking About What's the Big Secret? Talking About s.e.x with Girls and Boys s.e.x with Girls and Boys (New York: Little, Brown Young Readers, 2000). Terrific first look at the issues surrounding s.e.xuality. Ages 48. (New York: Little, Brown Young Readers, 2000). Terrific first look at the issues surrounding s.e.xuality. Ages 48.

VIDEO: Abstinence Comes to Albuquerque Abstinence Comes to Albuquerque (2006). The compelling story of a faith-based organization using federal funds to bring abstinence-only s.e.x education into public schools in Albuquerque. Available in full on Google Video (2006). The compelling story of a faith-based organization using federal funds to bring abstinence-only s.e.x education into public schools in Albuquerque. Available in full on Google Video ( http://video.google.com). 27 minutes. A must-see. 27 minutes. A must-see.

The Unitarian Universalist Church has produced a s.e.xuality curriculum for various age groups called Our Whole Lives. There are grades K1, 46, 79, 123 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief high school, and adult programs. The programs build on one another and by the time the youth are in the junior high the program is a series of one-hour year-long programs that covers a. Examining Values Examining Values b. s.e.xuality and Body Awareness s.e.xuality and Body Awareness c. Gender and Diversity Gender and Diversity d. s.e.xual Orientation and Gender Ident.i.ty s.e.xual Orientation and Gender Ident.i.ty e. Relations.h.i.+ps Relations.h.i.+ps f. Lovemaking Lovemaking g. Preparing for Parenthood Preparing for Parenthood h. Responsible s.e.xual Behavior Responsible s.e.xual Behavior i. s.e.xually Transmitted Diseases s.e.xually Transmitted Diseases j. Abuse of s.e.xuality Abuse of s.e.xuality All programs are taught by trained lay leaders, and parental permission is required.

General Health and Body Issues Kuhn, Cynthia, Scott Swartzwelder, and Wilkie Wilson. Just Say Know: Talking Just Say Know: Talking with Kids About Drugs and Alcohol with Kids About Drugs and Alcohol (New York: W.W. Norton, 2002). A scientific yet very accessible guide to talking with kids about drugs. It avoids taking a tone of moral panic and focuses instead on giving kids accurate information about the effects of drugs so that kids will listen rather than tune out. The authors provide a good general overview of how brains work and how drugs (New York: W.W. Norton, 2002). A scientific yet very accessible guide to talking with kids about drugs. It avoids taking a tone of moral panic and focuses instead on giving kids accurate information about the effects of drugs so that kids will listen rather than tune out. The authors provide a good general overview of how brains work and how drugs affect them, as well as a brief overview of the legal issues involved. The last several chapters cover specific types of drugs including their effects, statistics about use rates, and what the main talking points are about each type for your conversation with your kids. The authors include caffeine, over-the-counter and prescription medicines, in addition to alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs.

The chapter about marijuana is especially good because it provides compelling reasons for avoiding it, without resorting to exaggerations. The book is a short yet comprehensive reference that is well focused on providing the necessary information for your conversations with your kids while avoiding getting bogged down in more technical detail than is necessary.

124.Mayle, Peter. Where Did I Come From? Where Did I Come From? (Fort Lee, NJ: Lyle Stuart, 2000). A factual, kid-accessible account of where babies come from. Animated anatomical ill.u.s.trations help explain the process. Ages 48. (Fort Lee, NJ: Lyle Stuart, 2000). A factual, kid-accessible account of where babies come from. Animated anatomical ill.u.s.trations help explain the process. Ages 48.

Schaefer, Valorie Lee. The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls (Middleton, WI: American Girl, 1998). An unbeatable, readable, approachable, and accurate resource for girls age 10+. (Middleton, WI: American Girl, 1998). An unbeatable, readable, approachable, and accurate resource for girls age 10+.

Harris, Robie, and Michael Emberley. It's So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, It's So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick, 2004, ages 712) and (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick, 2004, ages 712) and It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, s.e.x, and s.e.xual It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, s.e.x, and s.e.xual Health Health (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick, 2004, ages 912). The t.i.tles say it all. (Cambridge, MA: Candlewick, 2004, ages 912). The t.i.tles say it all.

Naturalistic, wonder-filled approaches to the topics surrounding reproduc- tion, p.u.b.erty, and s.e.x.

Celebrating Difference Gillespie, Peggy, and Gigi Kaeser. Love Makes a Family: Portraits of Lesbian, Love Makes a Family: Portraits of Lesbian, Gay, Bis.e.xual, and Transgender Parents and Their Families Gay, Bis.e.xual, and Transgender Parents and Their Families (Amherst, MA: University of Ma.s.sachusetts Press, 1999). Age 14+. (Amherst, MA: University of Ma.s.sachusetts Press, 1999). Age 14+.