Raising Freethinkers_ A Practical Guide Part 2

KID: "100 miles!"

MOM: "Good guess! That's what people thought a long time ago. They thought it was attached to the sky about 100 miles away, but now we know it's a star out in s.p.a.ce. Okay now. Grandma's house is 700 miles away. Do you think the sun is closer than that?"

FIND OUT TOGETHER.

"How far away is the sun?"

"I dunno. Let's get a tape measure and find out!"

"Dad!! You're such a dork."

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"Well, how can we find out then, smarty pants?"

"Google it!"

(After Googling it . . .) "Now I wonder how they figured that out without a tape measure?"

THE OBVIOUS FIB.

"How far away is the sun?"

"About 20 feet."

"No, it isn't!"

"I'm pretty sure it is. Maybe 21."

"It's MUCH more than that!"

"Well, how far do YOU think it is?"

VALUE-ADDED ANSWER.

"How far away is the sun?"

"93 million miles."

"Wow, that's far!"

"Wouldn't want to walk it. Hey, you know how they figured that out? It's the most amazing story . . ." 4 4 THE QUESTION CHAIN.

Eventually, the child will pick up the rhythm herself and provide the next question herself: "How far away is the sun?"

"93 million miles."

"Wow, that's far! How did they figure that out?" How did they figure that out?"

"You know, it's the most amazing story . . ."

I've used an empirical question here-one for which there is a single ver- ifiable answer-but the same techniques work to keep nonempirical or "val- ues" questions going.

If you want to encourage a child to continue asking questions, the single biggest mistake you can make is something freethought parents do way too much: Offer uninvited corrections. If a 6-year-old child makes a guess that's 13 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief wrong, resist as often as possible the urge to correct it. This advice galls many freethinkers: "Let a wrong answer go unchallenged?! But, but, but . . . What if What if it gets stuck in there?" it gets stuck in there?"

Relax. Remember, you want questioning itself to be pleasurable, and con- stant correction at an early age does not achieve this. If you are teaching critical thinking as a value, the child will quickly develop the urge to self-correct and to invite your help.

A sample conversation with a 6-year-old: KID: I think Bowser can read my mind.

DAD: Oh? Why do you think that?

KID: I was gonna give her a crust of bread, and she started wagging her tail as soon as I thought of it!

(Here's the moment we typically wind up the correction machine, making sure the child knows that there's a nonparanormal explanation. Resist!) sure the child knows that there's a nonparanormal explanation. Resist!) DAD: Hmm. Well, we better watch what we're thinking, then! DAD: Hmm. Well, we better watch what we're thinking, then!

Good Dad! I'm so proud of you. You didn't say it was true I'm so proud of you. You didn't say it was true or or false, and she didn't ask you to (yet). You simply made her feel good for thinking and guessing and inquiring about the world. false, and she didn't ask you to (yet). You simply made her feel good for thinking and guessing and inquiring about the world. There's plenty of time for insisting There's plenty of time for insisting on the right answers. on the right answers. First, we need to build the desire and the tools to find them on her own. First, we need to build the desire and the tools to find them on her own.

There comes a time (generally age 8 to 10) when the child will recognize that you have not weighed in on a hypothesis and begin inviting you to do so: DAD: Hmm. Well, we better watch what we're thinking, then!

KID: So do you think she can really read our minds?

(Now instead of stomping on it, draw out her own thinking . . .) DAD: I don't know. . . . Can you think of any other explanation?

Around age 13, kids will generally stop stop inviting you to weigh in-a natural part of finding their own ident.i.ty. But if you established yourself as a fa-cilitator of thinking instead of The Guy with the Big Red Pen, you just may be invited to continue the inquiries together after all. inviting you to weigh in-a natural part of finding their own ident.i.ty. But if you established yourself as a fa-cilitator of thinking instead of The Guy with the Big Red Pen, you just may be invited to continue the inquiries together after all.

Q: I'm uneasy with the "obvious fib." We must never lie to our children.

A: I've heard this a.s.sertion that "we must never lie to our children" from many nonreligious parents, always intoned in the kind of hushed voice usually re-14served for sacred p.r.o.nouncements. Although I don't advocate outright lying, the playful fib can work wonders for the development of critical thinking.

Many nonreligious parents, in the admirable name of high integrity, set themselves up as infallible authorities. And since (like it or not) we are the first and most potent authority figures in our kids' lives, turning ourselves into benevolent oracles of truth can teach our kids to pa.s.sively receive the p.r.o.nouncements of authority. I would rather, in a low-key and fun fas.h.i.+on, encourage them to constantly take whatever I say and run it through the baloney meter.

I tell them "The sun is twenty feet away" precisely so they will look at me and say, "Dad, you dork!!" When they ask what's for dinner, I say, "Monkey lungs, go wash up." When the fourth grader doing her homework asks what 7 times 7 is, I say 47, because she should (a) know that on her own by now and, equally important, (b) know the wrong answer when she hears it.

Yes, I make sure they end up with the right answer when it matters, and I make sure they end up with the right answer when it matters, and no, no, I don't do this all the time. They'd kill me. But pulling our kids' legs once in a while is more than just fun and games. Knowing that Dad sometimes talks I don't do this all the time. They'd kill me. But pulling our kids' legs once in a while is more than just fun and games. Knowing that Dad sometimes talks nonsense can prepare them to expect and challenge the occasional bit of nonsense, intentional or otherwise, from peers, ministers, and presidents.

Q: You suggested letting our children "run with ideas" instead of making constant corrections. But what about religious questions? I don't want to force my views on my child, but at the same time I feel the need to be a little more proactive in that area. I can't sit still while she runs with some religious notion, can I?

A: Depends. Are you trying to get her head full of the right answers, or trying to raise a powerful, autonomous thinker? "With questions of belief," someone once said, "you have three choices: feed the child a confirmation, feed the child a disconfirmationor teach the child to fish. "5 "5 Religion has no magical powers to seduce our children. Yes, it comes with emotional lures that can subvert reasoning, but the proper response is to strengthen reasoning by building critical thinking skills, not hide the lures. Religion loses its power to emotionally hijack the mind when you take it out of the singular and into the plural. If a child is raised hearing only one religious perspective-orthodox Islam, let's say, or Hasidic Judaism, or evangelical Christianity-the potential for emotional hijacking is very real. But if the child is allowed to consider several different possibilities without fear, each one loses any emotional monopoly, and the child can turn to reason to sort it out.

15.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Ideally, your kids will try on many different religious hats along the way.

My daughter Delaney came to me at age 4 and announced that she had finally figured out, as she put it, "the G.o.d and Jesus thing." Jesus, she said, made all the good things in the world, and G.o.d made all the bad and scary things.

Few religious parents would be able to let this rest, to let their child sleep on the hypothesis that G.o.d is the source of all evil. But many nonreligious parents do little better when they say, "No, no-G.o.d isn't real." In the process, both sets of parents will have subst.i.tuted their authority for the child's autonomous thought. I've always preferred to praise the independent thought and let the child run with it. It's good practice. "Cool," I said to Delaney. "I never thought of it like that."

The next week, she had a new theology: G.o.d, she said, makes all the things for grownups, and Jesus makes the things for kids. My favorite example: G.o.d made the deep end of the pool, and Jesus made the shallow end, for her.

I hugged her. "So G.o.d for me and Jesus for you, eh?"

"I guess so," she said. "I'm not sure. I'm still thinking about it."

And that's all I ask. More recently she's been trying on the gla.s.ses of secular humanism, but I fully expect her to continue trying on spectacles, going back and forth, back and forth, until she finds the pair that makes the most sense. So let your child hypothesize about the world without constraints and without fear in all areas, including religion.

Q: I still worry that the natural gullibility of childhood will do its work, and my child will end up unable to tell fantasy from reality unless I am vigilant.

A: It's very common to see our kids as suckers for a good fantasy, but there's increasingly strong evidence that we needn't be quite so concerned. A 2006 study in the journal Child Development Child Development suggests that young children, although certainly impressionable, are less gullible than many parents fear. suggests that young children, although certainly impressionable, are less gullible than many parents fear.

By age 4, children make consistent use of context to decide whether a new piece of information is likely to be fact or fantasy. In three separate studies, children between the ages of 3 and 6 were given information either in scientific terms ("Doctors use surnits to make medicine") or in fantastical terms ("Fairies use hercs to make fairy dust"). Children's ability to use contextual cues to decide the likely truth of a given statement proved higher than had previously been supposed and increases significantly between the ages of 3 and 5.

University of Texas professor Jacqueline Woolley, the lead author of the studies, put it this way: "It is clear from the present studies that young children 16do not believe everything they hear, and that they can use the context surrounding the presentation of a new ent.i.ty to make inferences about the real versus fantastical nature of that ent.i.ty." 6 6 This is good news for parents wis.h.i.+ng to protect their children from reli- gious indoctrination and may partly explain why religion has found it necessary to back up even the most attractive religious claims with threats of h.e.l.l.

To counter a child's natural ability to use context to discriminate between reality and fantasy, religious indoctrination must construct multiple barriers and safeguards. Freethought simply requires the removal of these barriers and the encouragement of skills already present in the child.

Q: My 6-year-old is fascinated by the natural world. I've tried to introduce her to the idea of evolution, but when I say, "A long time ago, apes turned into humans," she squinches her face-and I know she's picturing something pretty funny.

How can I help her understand the long, slow, fascinating process of evolution?

A: By teaching it the same way evolution happens-in small steps over many years: 1. Draw her attention to adaptations. If I'm out on a walk in the woods with my own daughter and we see a deer with protective coloration, I'll often If I'm out on a walk in the woods with my own daughter and we see a deer with protective coloration, I'll often say, "Look-you can barely see it! What if I was an animal trying to find a deer to eat? That one wouldn't be very easy to find. And its babies would have the same coloring, so I'll bet they'd be hard to find, too."

2. Imagine a poor adaptation. "Hey, what if it was bright pink? I think I'd have a pink one for supper every night, they'd be so easy to catch." I step on a twig and the deer bolts away. "Ooh, fast too! I'll bet I'd have to eat "Hey, what if it was bright pink? I think I'd have a pink one for supper every night, they'd be so easy to catch." I step on a twig and the deer bolts away. "Ooh, fast too! I'll bet I'd have to eat slow slow pink ones every night. Soon there wouldn't be any slow pink ones left because I'd have eaten them all!" pink ones every night. Soon there wouldn't be any slow pink ones left because I'd have eaten them all!"

3. Move to natural selection, using a nonhuman example and a shortened timescale. Evolution itself requires thousands of generations and a ma.s.sive timescale, so above the microbial level we can't see it in action. But we can study Evolution itself requires thousands of generations and a ma.s.sive timescale, so above the microbial level we can't see it in action. But we can study natural selection, natural selection, the mechanism by which evolution occurs. Once natural selection is understood, evolution is an inevitable consequence of the pa.s.sage of time. And one creature in particular is just waiting in the wings, so to speak, to explain natural selection to our kids: the peppered moth. the mechanism by which evolution occurs. Once natural selection is understood, evolution is an inevitable consequence of the pa.s.sage of time. And one creature in particular is just waiting in the wings, so to speak, to explain natural selection to our kids: the peppered moth. 7 7 See the Activities section of this chapter for the story of the peppered moth, then tell it to your kids on your next walk in the woods. See the Activities section of this chapter for the story of the peppered moth, then tell it to your kids on your next walk in the woods.

17.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief 4. Use a.n.a.logy to teach the otherwise unimaginable timescale. a.n.a.logies can be difficult for very young kids, but once your child is able to handle that level of abstraction, there's no better way to render the inconceivable conceivable. Saying a million Earths would fit inside the sun is fine, but saying "If the sun were a soccer ball, Earth would be a peppercorn"-now a.n.a.logies can be difficult for very young kids, but once your child is able to handle that level of abstraction, there's no better way to render the inconceivable conceivable. Saying a million Earths would fit inside the sun is fine, but saying "If the sun were a soccer ball, Earth would be a peppercorn"-now I get it. Same goes for time. Use either Sagan's Cosmic Calendar or Dawkin's armspan a.n.a.logy, both of which are described in the Activities section of this chapter.

Q: I want to try to answer all of my child's amazing and wonderful questions, but often my scientific literacy isn't good enough. I don't know why the sky is blue, but I know there is a reason! Are there good resources for parents like me that have kid-friendly answers to these questions?

A: Yes, there are, and you'll find several in the Resources section of the chapter-but that's a secondary concern. When it comes to encouraging wondering and questioning in children, remember that knowing the answers is the least important quality for a parent to have. Caring Caring about the answer and caring even more about the process is much more important than the answer itself. about the answer and caring even more about the process is much more important than the answer itself.

In The Sense of Wonder, The Sense of Wonder, Rachel Carson put it this way: "If a child is to keep his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companions.h.i.+p of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in." I honestly feel sorry for the child who has never heard a parent say "Jeez, I don't know!" then drop everything in the excited rush to find out. Rachel Carson put it this way: "If a child is to keep his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companions.h.i.+p of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in." I honestly feel sorry for the child who has never heard a parent say "Jeez, I don't know!" then drop everything in the excited rush to find out.

Give your child the gift of seeing that knowledge is never complete, not even for Mom or Dad, and that a ravenous curiosity is always a thrilling bird to feed.

Freeing Our Kids from "Fearthought"

My daughter Erin went through a brief period at age 8 when she would literally dissolve into tears at bedtime but was unwilling to discuss it. The morning after one such nighttime session, we were lying on the trampo-line together, looking at the sky, and I asked if she would tell me what was troubling her.

"Did you do something you feel bad about, or hurt somebody's feel- ings at school?" I asked. "There's always a way to fix that, you know."

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"No," she said. "It isn't something I did."

"Something somebody else did? Did somebody hurt your feelings?"

"No." A long silence. I watched the clouds for awhile, knowing it would come.

At last she spoke. "It isn't anything I did. It's something . . . I thought."

I turned to look at her. She was crying again.

"Something you thought? What is it, sweetie?"

"I don't want to say."

"That's OK, you don't have to say. But what's the problem with think- ing this thing?"

"It's more than one thing." She looked at me with a worried forehead.

"It's bad thoughts. I think about saying things or doing things that are bad.

Like . . ."

I waited.

"Like bad words. That's one thing."

"You want to say bad words?"

"NO!!" she said, horrified. "I don't at ALL!! But I can't get my brain to stop thinking about this word I heard somebody say at school. It's a really nasty word and I don't like it. But it keeps popping into my brain, no matter what I do, and it makes me feel really, really bad!!"

She cried harder, and I hugged her. "Listen to me, Erin. You are never bad just for thinking about something. Never."

"What? But . . . if it's bad to say a bad word, then it's bad to think it!"

"But how can you decide whether it's bad if you don't even let your- self think it?"

She stopped crying in a single wet inhale, and furrowed her brow.

"Then . . . It's OK to think bad things?"

"Yes. It is. It's fine. Erin, you can't stop your brain from thinking-es- pecially a huge brain like yours. And you'll make yourself crazy if you even try."

"That's what I'm doing! I'm making myself crazy!"

"Well, don't. Listen to me now." We went forehead to forehead. "It is never bad to think something. You have permission to think about every- thing in the world. What comes after thinking is deciding whether to keep that thought or to throw it away. That's called your judgment. A lot of times it's wrong to act on certain thoughts, but it is never, ever wrong to let yourself think them." I pointed to her head. "That's your courtroom in there, and you're the judge."

19.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief The next morning she woke up excitedly and gave me a high-speed hug. Once she had permission to think the bad word, she said, it just went away. She was genuinely relieved.

Imagine if instead I had saddled her with traditional ideas of mind- policing, the insane practice of paralyzing guilt for what you cannot con- trol-your very thoughts. Instead, I taught her what freethought really means.

In the years since that day, Erin has often mentioned that moment.

She has said it's the best thing I ever did for her. As with most such mo- ments, I had no idea at the time that I was giving her anything beyond the moment itself. I just wanted her to stop crying, to stop beating up on herself. But in the process, it seems, I genuinely set her free.

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Activities There are scads of terrific published activities to promote curiosity, wonder, and questioning. I've chosen to highlight a few particular favorites of nonreligious parents, including some that have been kid-tested at wonder, and questioning. I've chosen to highlight a few particular favorites of nonreligious parents, including some that have been kid-tested at Camp Quest and elsewhere. The Resources section includes books and sites Camp Quest and elsewhere. The Resources section includes books and sites that are br.i.m.m.i.n.g with more still more activities, ideas, and resources. that are br.i.m.m.i.n.g with more still more activities, ideas, and resources.