Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 2

NO PLACE TO HIDE:.

THE ACCESSIBLE INTROVERT.

TIn contrast to the Shadow Dweller, the Accessible Introvert does not come off as remote or intimidating. In fact, these introverts may be hard to distinguish from extroverts-unless you pay attention.

While I was more remote as a child, hiding in my room, writing and ill.u.s.trating science fiction "books," and biting my lower lip in photos, my adult persona smiles confidently at the camera and makes inviting eye contact in conversations. I have matured into a professional who is friendly, pleasant, and approachable. And it's a problem.

While Accessible Introverts are not as subject to ridicule and social alienation, we sometimes envy Shadow Dwellers, who suffer much less intrusion, interruption, and, well, extroversion. Don't get me wrong-we like people. We just like them one or two at a time, with s.p.a.ce in between.

Accessible Introverts are often cause-oriented people who are well trained in negotiating the social arena. The time they spend thinking about the big picture moves them to want to do something about it. Yet, they prefer the thinking to the schmoozing often required to achieve change. These accessible types also tend to identify with people who have been snubbed or teased, so they strive to be friendly to everyone. They are the kids in school who are friends with geeks and jocks alike-and secretly prefer the geeks. But the openness they put out is not entirely honest, just as the angry facade of a Shadow Dweller does not tell the whole story.

I have actually asked less-accessible friends of mine how I can put up a s.h.i.+eld when I need more privacy. I was recently given a clue. I agreed to be photographed by an artist friend of mine, MarkWolfe, for an exhibit he called "Faces." He was purposely mysterious about it (he's a Shadow Dweller, artist-in-black type), only telling me to dress simply with no makeup and then just look at him-no pose. I had suffered a migraine that morning, and between that and the medication I used, I was in a very internal, slowed-down state. I looked up at him, doing nothing to mask my condition. Note the difference between his "naked" photo of me and my posed press photo.

When I attended the exhibit, I was shocked by what I saw. The sad part is that I hardly recognized that face. Here are Wolfe's comments on the piece and on his Faces Faces exhibit: exhibit: As opposed to the normal face exposed to the world, I photographed my subjects with high contrast imagery devoid of make-up and soft lighting. Laurie is vivacious and energetic, always smiling...I tried to capture her "less exposed" side. All of us, especially introverts, often try to hide, disguise, or cover up ourselves. But I've found that, especially in introverts, there's a rich character that can be revealed through art. Laurie's photo is a small reflection of the inner side of a contemplative woman, exposing a deeper sensitivity and vulnerability. As opposed to the normal face exposed to the world, I photographed my subjects with high contrast imagery devoid of make-up and soft lighting. Laurie is vivacious and energetic, always smiling...I tried to capture her "less exposed" side. All of us, especially introverts, often try to hide, disguise, or cover up ourselves. But I've found that, especially in introverts, there's a rich character that can be revealed through art. Laurie's photo is a small reflection of the inner side of a contemplative woman, exposing a deeper sensitivity and vulnerability.

Some exhibit attendees saw my image as "determined," others as "sad," still others as "thoughtful." My husband found it to be intimidating. Now that was a compliment! I recall a statement I received from my graduate school advisor, "You could never be intimidating, Laurie." His comment-however well-intentioned-still p.i.s.ses me off.

Accessible Introverts need to be p.i.s.sed off more often or to tell others (nonverbally, of course) to p.i.s.s off more often. We get hara.s.sed by strangers, hounded by compet.i.tors, and asked intrusive questions. We have the fatal combination of being accessible, yet lacking the extroverted capacity for comebacks. We are the ones that take a dig, mull it over, and spend days developing better and better comebacks. We can take our anger in and turn it on ourselves with demeaning self-talk, such as: "Why do you have to be such a wimp?," "Why do you let people treat you that way?," "Why didn't you say anything?" and so on.

Steve Payne Photography Negative self-talk is a particular risk for the Accessible Introvert. Because we have almost almost adapted to the extrovert culture, we get down on ourselves for not being adapted to the extrovert culture, we get down on ourselves for not being more more extroverted. We look in the mirror with puzzled expressions and worry about our capacities. Sound familiar? extroverted. We look in the mirror with puzzled expressions and worry about our capacities. Sound familiar?

THE SET UP.

I didn't plan on writing this section, perhaps because the topic is a painful one. But last night I had a dream that wrote it for me: I return to my first school-the school that intimidated me as a child-for a reunion. In the large auditorium, I see Popular Girl, Insecure Girl, Tomboy Girl, and other cla.s.smates, as well as some new faces from more recent cla.s.ses. Insecure Girl, who used to hang out with me-in real life we created secret codes together-greets me and excitedly tells me that I get to be one of the Homecoming Queen Contestants. The fact that she is a contestant leaves me a little suspicious, but I notice that some of the prettier and more popular girls are also contestants. I meet up with other cla.s.smates, surprised by how friendly and welcoming everyone is, including Popular Girl. (Oddly, Popular Girl is not not a contestant for Homecoming Queen.) I am also surprised, and moved, by my encounter with Tomboy Girl-my relations.h.i.+p with her had been lukewarm. She greets me with genuine affection and says she wants to talk to me. My extroverted little sister is there as well, loving and loyal as always. a contestant for Homecoming Queen.) I am also surprised, and moved, by my encounter with Tomboy Girl-my relations.h.i.+p with her had been lukewarm. She greets me with genuine affection and says she wants to talk to me. My extroverted little sister is there as well, loving and loyal as always.

Most people don't know that I'm an introvert, because I think I can fake it really, really well. At my current job, we get wined and dined a lot by drug reps, and half the time we get lunch from one of them. I love the free lunches, but it also means no "alone break" for the entire day. And the dinners and happy hours? I've gone a few times and had a lot of fun, but it takes a team of mules to get me to go.-Margit, too-accessible nurse and mom Much to my relief, the other contestants are putting on "uniforms" provided by the school-showgirl-like tuxedo tails over a bodysuit and tights. There are slight variations in the outfits, and I am offered one I like, with a sheer, soft blue skirt descending from the tails. I put it on in preparation for the Homecoming Parade, and as I feel all the love and attention around me, I become quite confident that I will win. in the outfits, and I am offered one I like, with a sheer, soft blue skirt descending from the tails. I put it on in preparation for the Homecoming Parade, and as I feel all the love and attention around me, I become quite confident that I will win.

It is at this point that Popular Girl and Insecure Girl come to me with buckets of water and throw the water on my face. Everyone laughs, and I soon realize that I have been set up. The whole invitation, the confidence building-everything had been designed for this punch line. This humiliation. Everyone laughs, and I soon realize that I have been set up. The whole invitation, the confidence building-everything had been designed for this punch line. This humiliation.

I run out in tears, then angrily return to grab my clothes. I am struck that n.o.body expresses regret or tries to get me to stay. They are still laughing and enjoying the gag. I see a book t.i.tled "The Children," and the last page is closing, suggesting that this is the end of the story, the resolution of the plot.

I feel despair as I consider the options: Leave and be forgotten, or return and "take the joke." I do start to return, but with a third option in mind...

The dilemma I was left with in the dream is The Dilemma The Dilemma of the introvert: to disappear or to play along. The prospect of popularity had enticed Insecure Girl to betray me-a former ally-and likewise seduced me into partic.i.p.ating in the popularity contest. Even as I walk away, broken, the power of popularity prevents anyone from reaching out to me. [Note: my husband read this and informed me that my dream was almost an exact replay of the '70s horror flick of the introvert: to disappear or to play along. The prospect of popularity had enticed Insecure Girl to betray me-a former ally-and likewise seduced me into partic.i.p.ating in the popularity contest. Even as I walk away, broken, the power of popularity prevents anyone from reaching out to me. [Note: my husband read this and informed me that my dream was almost an exact replay of the '70s horror flick Carrie Carrie-except that the cla.s.smates poured pig's blood over her and then she started killing people. I had purposely missed that movie. Perhaps the theme is archetypal.]

Just before I wake up, I consider a third option-to ignore the groupthink and talk to people separately. I was drawn to Tomboy Girl, who I knew I could trust, and to my loving sister. Somehow, I knew I had real friends amid the laughing crowd, and I decided to find recognition in them.

THE THIRD OPTION.

The third option, for Shadow Dwellers and Accessible Introverts alike, is to know you have friends-and to be a friend. It is easy for the many of us to sacrifice the few: to allow the Goth or the Geek to take the rap, while secretly sharing their pa.s.sion for the intricate contents of the mind. I used to write science fiction stories that stunned by literary mother. I had vivid, and sometimes terrifying, dreams at night. My older sister said that, when I was daydreaming, I seemed to enter a trance like state. I am still convinced that, when I was little, I floated floated down the stairs every morning. down the stairs every morning.

But I now know that I'm not that unusual. We all have our introverted little secrets. I recall attending a lecture on dreams, and feeling immense relief when the speaker described people like me as "ideationally gifted." "Yes! That's me," I thought.

"Not crazy or weird, but ideationally gifted." ideationally gifted." As introverts, we have a greater tolerance for the contents of the mind. Some of us see into other worlds; some of us see inside patterns and equations; some of us access spiritual truths. But if any of us are weird, we all are. We were manga when manga wasn't cool. As introverts, we have a greater tolerance for the contents of the mind. Some of us see into other worlds; some of us see inside patterns and equations; some of us access spiritual truths. But if any of us are weird, we all are. We were manga when manga wasn't cool.

Most of us also carry our stories of humiliation. And, sadly, many of us, like Insecure Girl in my dream, have partic.i.p.ated in the humiliation of other introverts-introverts who were unable or unwilling to partic.i.p.ate in the extroverted games.

As you start to challenge the extrovert a.s.sumption and reclaim the gift of your inner life, don't be surprised if you encounter feelings of grief or anger. Introverts have a habit of becoming admirably hip as we find vehicles for our gifts, but we also know the pain of being teased, laughed at, and left out-even if we only experience the ridicule indirectly, through a more honest member of our group.

As Gloria Steinem said, "The truth will set you free. But first, it will p.i.s.s you off."

Chapter 4:.

"Anyone Else IN?"

Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact.-Martha Beck Half of us.

More than half of us prefer introversion to extroversion. of us prefer introversion to extroversion.

When I share this fact with introverts, they consistently react with disbelief. Half. I almost have to say it as a mantra to myself, because I also have been programmed to believe that our numbers are few. But the a.s.sumption that introverts are the exception is not just something floating around in the ether; it's available in any bookstore. Virtually every self-help book on introversion to date indicates that we make up one-third of the population. One of these, hot off the press in 2007, states: "They [extroverts] represent the norm of Western society and outnumber introverts three to one."

If you search the Internet, as introverts often do, some sources estimate that introverts make up only one-fourth one-fourth of the population. A 2004 "Ask Yahoo" entry posed the question, "What's the ratio of introverts to extroverts in the human population?" The response? "According to several sources, extroverts make up 60 to 75 percent of the population." And "several sources" of the population. A 2004 "Ask Yahoo" entry posed the question, "What's the ratio of introverts to extroverts in the human population?" The response? "According to several sources, extroverts make up 60 to 75 percent of the population." And "several sources" do do place introverts in the minority-confidently, conclusively. The belief in the minority status of introverts has seeped into our pores and become conventional wisdom. place introverts in the minority-confidently, conclusively. The belief in the minority status of introverts has seeped into our pores and become conventional wisdom.

In order to get a perspective on how this happened, we'll need to rewind about fifty years. Bear with me: you need to see it to believe it.

A vast amount of data is generated from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI ), which is available in twenty-one languages and is administered to over two million individuals each year. The MBTI measures introversion and extroversion, along with the other aspects of type developed by Jung and his successors.

During the formative stages of the MBTI, beginning in 1942 and resulting in the first MBTI Manual MBTI Manual in 1962, Isabel Briggs Myers realized that she needed to get a read on the percentages of introverts and extroverts in the population. This was not an easy task at the time. Population studies were extremely rare, and would have been unheard of for a test instrument. Myers still was not satisfied to rely on her hunches, so she carefully designed and conducted a study of 399 male eleventh and twelfth grade students. Only 26.9 in 1962, Isabel Briggs Myers realized that she needed to get a read on the percentages of introverts and extroverts in the population. This was not an easy task at the time. Population studies were extremely rare, and would have been unheard of for a test instrument. Myers still was not satisfied to rely on her hunches, so she carefully designed and conducted a study of 399 male eleventh and twelfth grade students. Only 26.9 percent of the boys were identified as introverted. Myers adjusted the percentage to correct for the bias of her sample, and came up with her population estimate of "one-third." The estimate was published in the 1962 manual, though the study supporting it was never published.

It is important to note that the MBTI is not a static ent.i.ty. In the tradition established by Myers herself, the test continued to be "tested" with progressively larger samples. What started as Form A is now Form M, and by my count, the MBTI has undergone a good ten revisions-and counting! This progressive tradition has sp.a.w.ned a vast amount of research over the years. But in 1998, researchers were finally able to do what Isabel Briggs Myers could not: an actual population study. The study was based on a national representative representative sample-3,009 randomly selected individuals-which, through weighting of underrepresented groups, was made to approximate the distribution of the 1990 U.S. Census. The findings were clear: introverts and extroverts are equally represented in the population. A follow-up study, using a national representative sample of 1,378 subjects, was published in 2001. The new study not only dispels the myth of an extrovert majority, but turns it upside-down: introverts represent 57 percent of the population, and extroverts trail behind at 43 percent. The estimate made over forty years earlier has been rendered obsolete. sample-3,009 randomly selected individuals-which, through weighting of underrepresented groups, was made to approximate the distribution of the 1990 U.S. Census. The findings were clear: introverts and extroverts are equally represented in the population. A follow-up study, using a national representative sample of 1,378 subjects, was published in 2001. The new study not only dispels the myth of an extrovert majority, but turns it upside-down: introverts represent 57 percent of the population, and extroverts trail behind at 43 percent. The estimate made over forty years earlier has been rendered obsolete.

Or so it would seem.

Why is the outdated minority statistic referenced so often? One reason may be the tendency to use secondary references in publications. Isabel Briggs Myers used her original estimate in her book, Gifts Differing, Gifts Differing, first published in 1980. When the popular book was printed again in 1995, the chapter on introversion and extroversion still quoted the statistic, though a footnote clarifies, "An early, unpublished study by Isabel Briggs Myers is the basis of statements in this chapter about the frequencies of types in the general population." Other authors quoted this statistic without the footnote, and their books became references to other sources. Before long, "several sources" were repeating Myers' original estimate, and a fact was born. What seemed to be several was actually one well-reasoned but extremely out-of-date statistic. first published in 1980. When the popular book was printed again in 1995, the chapter on introversion and extroversion still quoted the statistic, though a footnote clarifies, "An early, unpublished study by Isabel Briggs Myers is the basis of statements in this chapter about the frequencies of types in the general population." Other authors quoted this statistic without the footnote, and their books became references to other sources. Before long, "several sources" were repeating Myers' original estimate, and a fact was born. What seemed to be several was actually one well-reasoned but extremely out-of-date statistic.

Another problem may be the complexity of MBTI data. Introversion is often embedded within more specific personality types, represented in codes such as ISTJ or IFTP. Yet, the percentages of introversion and extroversion are often noted separately or can be obtained by adding up the results for the eight introvert types.

What puzzled me in my own research is that it was actually very difficult difficult for me to figure out where the much-quoted 1:3 ratio came from. The authoritative clearinghouse for MBTI data is available in the for me to figure out where the much-quoted 1:3 ratio came from. The authoritative clearinghouse for MBTI data is available in the MBTI Manual, MBTI Manual, which, at this writing, is in the second printing of its third edition. Because the current research didn't support the ratio, I started working my way backward in the thick manual, first hitting on results from an earlier national representative study: "In the 1996 sample, Introverts were slightly more common [than extroverts] for both genders." No help there. Though I read about numerous studies, I saw nothing to suggest that introverts were in the minority. I eventually abandoned the "thick manual," and continued to search for the elusive data-until I found Myers' footnote in the back of her book. which, at this writing, is in the second printing of its third edition. Because the current research didn't support the ratio, I started working my way backward in the thick manual, first hitting on results from an earlier national representative study: "In the 1996 sample, Introverts were slightly more common [than extroverts] for both genders." No help there. Though I read about numerous studies, I saw nothing to suggest that introverts were in the minority. I eventually abandoned the "thick manual," and continued to search for the elusive data-until I found Myers' footnote in the back of her book.

Our ability to overlook the three three editions of acc.u.mulated data on introversion and extroversion, spanning a period of over fifty years, and to at least not editions of acc.u.mulated data on introversion and extroversion, spanning a period of over fifty years, and to at least not equivocate equivocate about the applicability of the original estimate, is quite remarkable. Maybe the truth got lost in translation from the academic to popular literature, but perhaps something less conscious and more insidious is at work. about the applicability of the original estimate, is quite remarkable. Maybe the truth got lost in translation from the academic to popular literature, but perhaps something less conscious and more insidious is at work.

Sometimes it takes an observation from outside our culture to see what is too close to identify. TheMBTI Manual reiterates an anecdote shared by attendees at a "psychological type" conference in Great Britain: The U.S. attendees found it hard to identify the extroverts among their British colleagues because they did not act like American extroverts. The British attendees reported a similar difficulty identifying introverts in America because "U.S. Introverts exhibited behavior that in the United Kingdom was a.s.sociated with Extroversion: sociability, comfort with small talk, disclosure of personal information, energetic and fast-paced conversation, and so forth." Most Americans, whether introverted or extroverted, have learned to look like extroverts. reiterates an anecdote shared by attendees at a "psychological type" conference in Great Britain: The U.S. attendees found it hard to identify the extroverts among their British colleagues because they did not act like American extroverts. The British attendees reported a similar difficulty identifying introverts in America because "U.S. Introverts exhibited behavior that in the United Kingdom was a.s.sociated with Extroversion: sociability, comfort with small talk, disclosure of personal information, energetic and fast-paced conversation, and so forth." Most Americans, whether introverted or extroverted, have learned to look like extroverts.

It's one thing if extroverts don't see us, but it's even more tragic when introverts no longer see introverts. It's a chicken-egg problem: if there are so few of us, why look? If we don't look, we don't see. But does it matter? After all, we like being alone. Correction: we like being introverted. introverted. Yes, we do have the need for solitude, and we enjoy time alone, but we also like to be introverted in more public settings, and we relate in our own way. We enjoy a different conversational pace than extroverts, namely, one that allows people to think. We are moved by ideas, and make connections through shared interests. We love the comfort of hanging out when there's no pressure to talk. Yes, we do have the need for solitude, and we enjoy time alone, but we also like to be introverted in more public settings, and we relate in our own way. We enjoy a different conversational pace than extroverts, namely, one that allows people to think. We are moved by ideas, and make connections through shared interests. We love the comfort of hanging out when there's no pressure to talk. Half. Half. More than half More than half of us. of us.

When we stop seeing introverts, we not only feel alienated, but we lose power. We don't like competing anyway, but if there are just a handful of us, it's just easier to adapt. The a.s.sumption of extroversion can prevent us from taking the risk-when it may not be that risky after all-of being openly introverted. And when we adapt and either pa.s.s as extroverts or stay on the sidelines, the extrovert a.s.sumption is strengthened and our power further erodes. Let's look a little closer at what we're a.s.suming.

THE EXTROVERSION a.s.sUMPTION As we grow and adapt to American society, we internalize As we grow and adapt to American society, we internalize the a.s.sumption that extroversion is normal and introversion is a deviation. Here's a quick sampling of some of the messages we take in: Parties are fun Being popular is important It's "who you know"

Networking is essential to success It's not good to be alone It's important to be a "team player"

Most people are extroverts The more the merrier If we a.s.sume that everyone around us is extroverted, as our society leads us to believe, we naturally feel less comfortable in public settings. We may feel that we need to keep our introverted ways to ourselves and adapt while among people. We don't even pause to think that others might also crave a deeper conversation and a quieter room. When we go to an obligatory party, we a.s.sume that everyone else wants to be there. After all, "parties are fun!" Rest a.s.sured, any party with an obligatory component has invitees who are wis.h.i.+ng they were elsewhere, along with some who have managed to be be elsewhere. elsewhere.

In the American workplace, introverts often feel immense pressure to be extroverted. Whether spoken or not, we pick up the a.s.sumption that we're supposed to make friends at work. Introverts don't get this. We generally go to work to work. work. I can hear the protest, "But it's more fun to have friends at work!" Here is another extrovert a.s.sumption. Extroverts are energized through interaction. They are happy to create more friends.h.i.+ps, because then there are more people to keep the interactions going-after work, on the weekend, at parties, and so on. I can hear the protest, "But it's more fun to have friends at work!" Here is another extrovert a.s.sumption. Extroverts are energized through interaction. They are happy to create more friends.h.i.+ps, because then there are more people to keep the interactions going-after work, on the weekend, at parties, and so on.

Introverts more often see the workplace as a place to interact with ideas. ideas. A friendly greeting is fine and good, but workplace chatter feels distracting and intrusive. And if we work with clients or customers, we may be all the more protective of our social energies. Yet, the extrovert a.s.sumption is so woven into the fabric of our culture that an employee may suffer reprimands for keeping his door closed (that is, if he is one of the lucky ones who A friendly greeting is fine and good, but workplace chatter feels distracting and intrusive. And if we work with clients or customers, we may be all the more protective of our social energies. Yet, the extrovert a.s.sumption is so woven into the fabric of our culture that an employee may suffer reprimands for keeping his door closed (that is, if he is one of the lucky ones who has has a door), for not lunching with other staff members, or for missing the weekend golf game or any number of supposedly morale-boosting celebrations. a door), for not lunching with other staff members, or for missing the weekend golf game or any number of supposedly morale-boosting celebrations. Half. Half. More than half More than half of us don't want to play. We don't see the point. For us, an office potluck will not provide satisfying human contact-we'd much rather meet a friend for an intimate conversation (even if that friend is a coworker). For us, the gathering will not boost morale - and will probably leave us resentful that we stayed an extra hour to eat stale cookies and make small talk. For us, talking with coworkers does not benefit our work-it sidetracks us. of us don't want to play. We don't see the point. For us, an office potluck will not provide satisfying human contact-we'd much rather meet a friend for an intimate conversation (even if that friend is a coworker). For us, the gathering will not boost morale - and will probably leave us resentful that we stayed an extra hour to eat stale cookies and make small talk. For us, talking with coworkers does not benefit our work-it sidetracks us.

Whether we are at work or at play, the extrovert a.s.sumption prevails and alienates over half of the population. Half. Half. Not just a few nerdy recluses, but more than half of us. Not just a few nerdy recluses, but more than half of us.

FINDING INTROVERTS.

Whether we want to make a new friend or not, it is crucial that we start to see "the other half " of the population. Just knowing our numbers-solid numbers that have been available for a decade but have yet to be known known-changes our perceptions. It is very hard to argue that over half of the population is weird or somehow deviant. Be clear-we don't have to gather or, heaven forbid, have a big party to be strengthened by our numbers. We just need to know the truth.

But it does help to see see as well. And once you know there are more like you out there, you'll notice things-like the fact that coffeehouses have popped up everywhere. Coffeehouses! Places where people read or write or draw or just chill. Quiet places. At this moment, I happen to be typing at a coffeehouse inside a large bookstore. There are eleven other people scattered among the tables and couches-even a little family with mom, dad, a little boy, and a baby-and as well. And once you know there are more like you out there, you'll notice things-like the fact that coffeehouses have popped up everywhere. Coffeehouses! Places where people read or write or draw or just chill. Quiet places. At this moment, I happen to be typing at a coffeehouse inside a large bookstore. There are eleven other people scattered among the tables and couches-even a little family with mom, dad, a little boy, and a baby-and no one no one is talking! I keep waiting for voices, and all I hear is the soothing background music. I am the most impressed by the family: the baby is sucking on a rattle; the boy eats his ice cream and then studies the scene outside the window; mom and dad read. When the boy eventually asks a question, the parents respond to him quietly, and when the baby starts to fuss, they get up and exit as if to leave the sleeping undisturbed. is talking! I keep waiting for voices, and all I hear is the soothing background music. I am the most impressed by the family: the baby is sucking on a rattle; the boy eats his ice cream and then studies the scene outside the window; mom and dad read. When the boy eventually asks a question, the parents respond to him quietly, and when the baby starts to fuss, they get up and exit as if to leave the sleeping undisturbed.

But on their way out, an observer makes a comment about the baby and continues to deliver a monologue to the couple, loudly-a bull in a china shop. The young parents are clearly uncomfortable, and politely break away as quickly as possible. This place operates under the a.s.sumption of introversion. Most of the inhabitants are by themselves, and tables are small to accommodate intimate conversation, if necessary.

I have noticed that, when larger groups meet in a coffeehouse, they usually have something to do, do, such as reading and critiquing each other's writing, planning an event, reviewing the movie they just attended, or sharing a side-by-side activity such as knitting. It is a culture of ideas, and extroverts seeking a place to meet, greet, and mingle soon get bored and leave. such as reading and critiquing each other's writing, planning an event, reviewing the movie they just attended, or sharing a side-by-side activity such as knitting. It is a culture of ideas, and extroverts seeking a place to meet, greet, and mingle soon get bored and leave.

It is no secret that these introvert enclaves are amazingly successful, and the reason is as easily apparent. Half. More than half Half. More than half of us now have a place to be publicly introverted. You think it's the coffee? The people who primarily want the coffee take it to go. As I scan the room, only one of the eleven is drinking coffee-at least I of us now have a place to be publicly introverted. You think it's the coffee? The people who primarily want the coffee take it to go. As I scan the room, only one of the eleven is drinking coffee-at least I think think it's coffee: some dark blended drink topped with loads of whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Maybe that person, like me, sees the purchase as a very reasonable rent payment on some prime introvert real estate. it's coffee: some dark blended drink topped with loads of whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Maybe that person, like me, sees the purchase as a very reasonable rent payment on some prime introvert real estate.

I often do seek out places where I can do something solitary (reading, drawing, writing, handwork) but among other people, like coffee houses, cafes, or the library. I see a lot of people doing more of this now, and it makes me feel good, rea.s.sured that I'm not alone in my craving for time with myself without the necessity of conversation but in the presence of humans doing the same. I often do seek out places where I can do something solitary (reading, drawing, writing, handwork) but among other people, like coffee houses, cafes, or the library. I see a lot of people doing more of this now, and it makes me feel good, rea.s.sured that I'm not alone in my craving for time with myself without the necessity of conversation but in the presence of humans doing the same.-Suzanne, who would like extroverts to know, "We're OKAY being introverts, and, no, we don't wish we could be just like them."

But let's say you're at a social event. Finding the introverts in this setting requires a bit more skill. You may find one or two on the fringes of the activity or outside getting air. Some will be locked in a group conversation, but you can tell they aren't really present-they keep glancing at their watch or the door. Unfortunately, many introverts are pros at holding a look of interest while most of their focus is directed inward. The best indicators of introversion are very subtle: a concentrating expression, a tendency to look off at nothing in particular-indicators that the person is thinking. These are the kind of hard-to-define expressions that artists love to capture in portraits.

Still others will be cloistered with a spouse or close friend, talking in hushed tones to signal to others, "this is private." The introverts generally leave early, energy drained, while the most extroverted gain momentum and stay until the end-and then are ready for the "after party."

A NEW a.s.sUMPTION Though common wisdom would Though common wisdom would suggest that introverts should connect by starting a conversation, we are discovering that common wisdom is not very trustworthy when it comes to introverts. Introverts work from the inside out, and the simplest and most profound way that we can connect is by acting like introverts. acting like introverts. And we will feel freer to act like introverts when we know that others-many others-get it. And we will feel freer to act like introverts when we know that others-many others-get it.

Start by carrying around the 57 percent statistic as you go about your day. As you look around you, keep in mind that more than half of us are introverted-half of the people in your neighborhood, half of the people downtown, half of the people on campus. When I was little, I got scared if I was awake while everyone else in the house was sleeping. I learned to comfort myself by remembering that there were other people awake, even though I couldn't see them: night s.h.i.+ft workers, people flying to different countries, telephone operators. There is something powerful in knowing that you are not the only one holding up a certain kind of consciousness-the only one awake. Even if you can't see the others, knowing they are there helps.

Buoyed by the comfort of knowing that you have quiet, like-minded company, you can relax into your introversion. You can bring your power source with you. Perhaps you can even meditate-right in the middle of that big old mosh pit called America.

WHERE THE (INNER) ACTION IS.

Perhaps the biggest challenge is to see other introverts when they are alone. I was recently watching the remarkable BBC video series "Planet Earth." I was able to view the rare snow leopard in its natural habitat, thanks to the solitary watch of the cameraman camping in the remote mountains of Pakistan. As I observed these speckled, sphinx-like inhabitants of the snowy mountains, I felt grat.i.tude for the photographers who embraced solitude-one was on a three-year a.s.signment-in order to bring me this vision.

Even introverts-you'd think we would know better-are p.r.o.ne to see the solitary introvert in a very flat and limited way: usually gaunt white guy, often in front of a computer, low in energy, malnourished, bored and stuck in some kind of repet.i.tive activity or inactivity. When forming impressions, it is quite American to skim the surface, to surf and schmooze and sample. But to know the introvert, surfing won't do. If I had only seen the solitary cameraman in his hut, looking through his lens-there was some footage of this-I would have become quickly bored. But beholding what he was seeing what he was seeing gave me chills. gave me chills.

Let's go to Zurich, Switzerland, circa 1914, to observe another solitary soul. This man is a respected scholar who has abandoned his teaching at the university, because he doesn't want to continue teaching until he's figured some things out. He continues to see patients and attend to his family, but spends vast stretches of time alone, reclining and staring off into s.p.a.ce, occasionally scribbling some notes. If we look just at the face of it, we may wonder why he's withdrawing, why he traded a prestigious position for this sitting around. We might be concerned that he's become socially phobic or depressed-or both.

This rising intellect was Carl Jung, and he was conducting an experiment, using himself as the sole subject. He used a process similar to self-hypnosis to submerge himself deeper and deeper into the unconscious, the part of the mind where dreams and fantasies live. His methods and discoveries are chronicled in his fascinating biography, Memories, Dreams, Reflections. Memories, Dreams, Reflections.

As a diver going beneath the calm surface of the ocean, Jung found a world teeming with life. He discovered what he called the "collective unconscious," a reality beyond the level of the personal unconscious that emerges through universal symbols and products of culture, from art to mythology. He even found a cast of characters-archetypes-Great Mother, Hero, Trickster, and the infamous Shadow, to name just a small sample.

For an introvert, a placid surface may be evidence that the introvert, to borrow Adrienne Rich's words, "has moved on, deeper into the heart of the matter." As with Jung, the exterior of inactivity may belie a vast internal wonderland. Seeing the introverts who are out of sight, and getting a glimpse of worlds they inhabit, asks more of us than a simple introduction.

Seeing an introvert means knowing there's more. It means looking for her ideas, her observations, her creations.

Introverts talk to us every day through their stories, theories, movies, technology, paintings, songs, inventions-the list is endless. For the introvert, conversation can be a very limited forum for self-expression. When a song moves you, a writer "gets" you, or a theory enlightens you-you and its creator are connecting in a realm beyond sight or speech. Not all of these expressions come from introverts, nor does every introvert's idea reach a wider audience. But connecting through the contents of the mind is the introvert's way.

You might take the time to find out who took the photo you so admire in a magazine; by the way, the photographers I viewed on watch (at different locations) for snow leopards were Doug Allen and Mark Smith. When you are stunned by what your cell phone can do, consider the person who designed the tiny circuitry. Start humanizing the ideas you hold and hear and read and see every day. And when you want to meet an introvert, try asking what the person is thinking or observing. A great question someone once asked me was, "How do you like to express yourself?" Reach beyond the surface.

This comparison [the introvert stereotype versus the real me] just shows me how complicated people are, and that they can appear like an introvert on the outside but every day surround themselves with wonder and mystery.-Solveig, high school soph.o.m.ore, who enjoys thinking and drawing in her room MY s.p.a.cE IN CYBERs.p.a.cE.

In cybers.p.a.ce, the rules of engagement favor introverts. We can connect while remaining alone. We can read and write rather than talk. And we can more comfortably network with people who share our interests and ideas. Like the coffeehouse, cybers.p.a.ce allows introverts to be alone more publicly. Introverts can post profiles, blogs, and videos without seeking an agent or a publisher. We can create or join communities based on even our quirkiest ideas. We can connect with other introverts enjoying the same playground. And we can turn it off whenever we want.

The computer is my introverted but sometimes intimate connection to the world of my choosing.-Don, pa.s.sionate about baseball, music, politics, religion, exercise, and the author's sister This worried comment inevitably arises: "But that's no subst.i.tute for real real relations.h.i.+ps!" This concern makes sense if we're comparing an Internet chat to a sustained relations.h.i.+p with a partner or close friend. And it is true that an Internet user can invent a personality online. There is more freedom on the Internet, for better relations.h.i.+ps!" This concern makes sense if we're comparing an Internet chat to a sustained relations.h.i.+p with a partner or close friend. And it is true that an Internet user can invent a personality online. There is more freedom on the Internet, for better and and for worse. But just as the Internet may limit relations.h.i.+ps, it can also create, expand, and enrich them. Online dating is a G.o.dsend for many introverts who cringe at the idea of meeting someone at a bar or social event. Where else but cybers.p.a.ce does the introvert have the opportunity to for worse. But just as the Internet may limit relations.h.i.+ps, it can also create, expand, and enrich them. Online dating is a G.o.dsend for many introverts who cringe at the idea of meeting someone at a bar or social event. Where else but cybers.p.a.ce does the introvert have the opportunity to start start in our comfort zone of written communication and talk later? How else can you defy geography and search widely for a soul connection? And because introverts can often open up more easily in a written message, Internet communication can also enhance existing relations.h.i.+ps. in our comfort zone of written communication and talk later? How else can you defy geography and search widely for a soul connection? And because introverts can often open up more easily in a written message, Internet communication can also enhance existing relations.h.i.+ps.

Though computerized communications may seem cold, the fact is, we're writing writing again-we're even writing with our phones! Though I still prefer the art of letter writing, it is an infrequent luxury. An email or text message offers a similar indulgence without the ha.s.sle. again-we're even writing with our phones! Though I still prefer the art of letter writing, it is an infrequent luxury. An email or text message offers a similar indulgence without the ha.s.sle.

Unless you're talking about s.e.x, I'm not so sure that live is always better. It is part of the extrovert a.s.sumption to value interaction over inner inner action. Most introverts savor live time with a close friend, because they know there will be plenty of inner action for both of them. But much of what we call "social" in America allows for very little inner action. Emailing a friend or posting a blog entry will probably feel much richer, and help us feel much closer, than being up close and impersonal. action. Most introverts savor live time with a close friend, because they know there will be plenty of inner action for both of them. But much of what we call "social" in America allows for very little inner action. Emailing a friend or posting a blog entry will probably feel much richer, and help us feel much closer, than being up close and impersonal.

Chapter 5:.

Meditating with the Majority: The Introverted Society

The first great thing is to find yourself and for that you need solitude and contemplation-at least sometimes. I can tell you deliverance will not come from the rus.h.i.+ng noisy centers of civilization. It will come from the lonely places.-Fridtj of NansenEverywhere we looked in j.a.pan, we saw calm and order.-T. R. Reid I recently watched a television interview of a woman who had been born into a cult. Having no other reality to judge hers against, she discussed how hard it was to find validation of her feeling that things were not right. Having to marry her uncle felt creepy, but everyone around her said it was good.

This woman's circ.u.mstances brought home to me the importance of self-validation-and of introversion. The introvert's habit of keeping "one foot out" of a given social grouping-whether it be family, community, or society-is a lifesaver, sometimes literally, literally, when the group stifles or oppresses what the individual values. when the group stifles or oppresses what the individual values.

As I look back, I kept one foot out of most places I inhabited. Since my formative years in rural Minnesota, I have taken up residence in various parts of the country, from the Rockies and the Sierra Nevadas, to East Coast cities, and on to my current home nestled in an Appalachian river city. Being somewhat of a vagabond-to the extent you can be one while getting married and raising children-I have made a hobby of studying the psychological nuances of culture. What I now also realize is that I've been looking for my home-a home that allows me to practice, rather than defend, my introversion; to, perhaps, allow both feet to rest inside. Like Goldilocks in the story of "The Three Bears," I have been looking for a place to sit down that is just right-the place that feels comfortable and allows me to relax into who I am.

Searching for home helps us define what it is we need. It wasn't until I left Minnesota that I developed an appreciation for its introverted characteristics, and I have found different pieces of the puzzle in each place I have lived. You have likely gathered your own pieces of the puzzle, and this may be a good time to take note of your discoveries. Introverts are, by nature, travelers. Whether you use the vehicle of literature, cinema, the Internet, the open road, or the limitless sky, you have probably visited many worlds. And if you enjoy science fiction or fantasy, you are particularly adept at envisioning alternative realities. You may want to take a moment and write a list of these places, real or imagined, and identify the features of each place that help you feel comfortably introverted.

But does such an alternative reality even exist? If America is extroverted, are there other societies that are introverted? What would an introverted society look like, feel like? What are the elements of an introverted society?

Let's explore two cultures that have been identified with introversion: Nordic culture, or Norden, Norden, and j.a.pan. and j.a.pan.

NORDEN: PRIVATE AND PROUD.

Norden, meaning "the north," refers to the countries that make up the Nordic Council: Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Norway, and Sweden. Though each country has its own distinct character, commonalities in language and geography give it the flavor we know as "Scandinavian." meaning "the north," refers to the countries that make up the Nordic Council: Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Norway, and Sweden. Though each country has its own distinct character, commonalities in language and geography give it the flavor we know as "Scandinavian."

Growing up in the American North-Minnesota-gave me an early taste for Scandinavian culture. I knew my heritage. I am 100 percent Norwegian, a descendant of the Vikings. We are tough and stoic. We don't whine. Life, as my dad put it, was "sweat, blood, and tears." Like Norway, Minnesota was cold, so we had to reserve energy and be resilient. People-except, it seemed, the ones living with me living with me-didn't talk more than necessary; they just took care of things.

This "Norden of the U.S." values privacy and reserve, along with a code of civility-the "MinnesotaNice" I learned so well-that engenders clean neighborhoods and respectful interactions. If your shopping cart accidentally hits someone else's, you plead "I'msorry" (with an emphasis on the "o" sound, of course). Some grocery stores in the metro area of Minneapolis-St. Paul provide carpeted floors, chandeliers, and soft music; clean indoor air was guaranteed long before this became a national trend; and lawns, even in poorer neighborhoods, are well-tended and trimmed. Lakes within the city limits are kept clean, and are encircled by walking and bike paths, benches and parkland.

Still, Minnesotans who visit a city in the homeland, such as Bergen, Norway, are stunned by its beauty and cleanliness. Public bathrooms are immaculate, brightly colored flowers spill out of window boxes (in season), and the air is crisp and clean. Introverts are less likely to feel overstimulated here, and are spared the constant evidence (i.e., trash) of the other people who share this s.p.a.ce. Author Donald S. Connery captures this "freshness" in his book, The Scandinavians: The Scandinavians: Norway has the clear-eyed appearance of the freshest, cleanest, and most natural nation in Europe. It is almost as if the weary and sophisticated continent had set Norway apart as a national park or royal preserve and had appointed the Norwegians as custodians to keep the waters clear, the mountain snows untouched by industrial soot, and the wonders of nature unspoiled by thoughtless trespa.s.sers.

Salivating? There's more. There's not only more natural s.p.a.ce outside, but employees in Norden get more s.p.a.ce at work, both for their thinking and for their time away away from work. The prevailing form of government, social democracy, embraces consensus decision-making, a more inclusive, "feminine" style of management, and attention to the individual worker. While this may seem a far cry from the Viking way of getting things done, there's another side to that story. These brutal warriors are thought to have established the first democracy - in the form of regular common meetings. Radical for the times, women and handicapped people could attend. These meetings, translated, were called "The Thing"-all hail Scandinavian simplicity! from work. The prevailing form of government, social democracy, embraces consensus decision-making, a more inclusive, "feminine" style of management, and attention to the individual worker. While this may seem a far cry from the Viking way of getting things done, there's another side to that story. These brutal warriors are thought to have established the first democracy - in the form of regular common meetings. Radical for the times, women and handicapped people could attend. These meetings, translated, were called "The Thing"-all hail Scandinavian simplicity!

The value of the individual voice continues to be evident in the Norden workplace. Managers go to lengths to see that each employee is represented in decision-making, and often meet privately with individuals to solicit their views. A relative of mine who works for a Danish company said that the efforts to reach consensus in meetings were frustrating for her at first, and required her to slow down the more driven pace she had been accustomed to. The discussions foster inner action inner action as well as interaction, allowing a deeper level of a.n.a.lysis and understanding. as well as interaction, allowing a deeper level of a.n.a.lysis and understanding.

And, perhaps most attractive of all for the introvert, Norden employees get an abundance of time away away from work. While an American mother often struggles to put together even a short maternity leave-using her vacation time or unpaid family leave-a Swedish mom and dad get from work. While an American mother often struggles to put together even a short maternity leave-using her vacation time or unpaid family leave-a Swedish mom and dad get over a year over a year of parental leave to divide up as they choose. That's of parental leave to divide up as they choose. That's paid paid leave at 80 percent of salary. The Swedes also know how to vacation-about seven weeks a year, paid, not counting holidays. The other Nordic countries also have generous policies, and members of the European Union are guaranteed at least twenty days of paid leave. The United States, which provides no minimum leave requirement, was referred to in one a.n.a.lysis as the "No-Vacation Nation." leave at 80 percent of salary. The Swedes also know how to vacation-about seven weeks a year, paid, not counting holidays. The other Nordic countries also have generous policies, and members of the European Union are guaranteed at least twenty days of paid leave. The United States, which provides no minimum leave requirement, was referred to in one a.n.a.lysis as the "No-Vacation Nation."