Bitter Is The New Black Part 1

Bitter Is the New Black.

Confessions of a condescending, egomaniacal, self-centered Smart-a.s.s, or why you should never carry a Prada Bag to the unemployment office.

A MEMOIR.

Jen Lancaster.

for my mom despite and because (but mostly because).

for kate who makes the impossible anything but.

for auntie virginia and cousin stephen, my style icon and the man who invented fun and for fletchthanks for doing all the heavy lifting (with love and squalor).

AUTHOR'S NOTE.

This boutique-to-barrio tale is a modern Greek tragedy, as defined by Roger Dunkle in The Cla.s.sical Origins of Western Culture: a story in which "the central character, called a tragic protagonist or hero, suffers some serious misfortune which is not accidental, and therefore meaningless, but is significant in that the misfortune is logically connected."

In other words? The b.i.t.c.h had it coming.

And I am that b.i.t.c.h.

Bitter Is the New Black is my story.

Although this memoir is based on real events in my life, I've taken a few liberties for the purpose of moving the story forward. In some cases names and places have been altered, characters combined, time compressed, and events taken out of sequence.

Regardless of these changes, I a.s.sure you, yes, I really was that bad.

First she was a seed, and then she was trouble.

-TODD LANCASTER, DECEMBER 25, 1970.

I do much better as a G.o.ddess, she said, since my secretarial skills have always been limited.

-BRIAN ANDREAS, IN TRUSTING SOUL.

PROLOGUE.

LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

April 7, 1977.

Dear Mrs. Lancaster:.

Jennifer is one of the brightest and most articulate students in the fourth grade and a pleasure to have in my cla.s.s. However, an incident today concerns me. During recess, I heard her remark to another student, "I can make Stacey Coopersmith do anything I want."

I wanted to tell you, as I am sure you want to keep that kind of behavior in check.

Sincerely, Mrs. C---.

THE CAMPUS.

Student Newspaper.

3/15/84.

Jeni-.

Pls. see me re. Page One's budget for next week's issue. Although your proposed layout looks great, I'm not sure the headline for the Spring Break story should be Jeni to Vacation in Europe. As well, the story may be more interesting if you actually include a broad range of other students' plans, and not just your own.

Thx, C. H---.

VIKINGS RADIO.

2/10/85.

Jennifer, Broadcasting on the school radio is an awesome responsibility. If I did not think you were up to the challenge, I would not have awarded you your own show. However, I want to make it clear that you will lose this slot if we have a repeat of last night's incident.

I spent my morning fielding calls from parents angry about your commentary. Regardless of your opinion, it is never "OK" to report that the Pep Step Dance Squad members "look fat in their new outfits" nor are you allowed to call them "boyfriend-stealing s.k.a.n.ks."

There are plenty of other students anxious to claim your spot if the editorializing continues. Do not let this happen again.

Mr. W---.

University English Department.

10/05/88.

Miss Lancaster, Congratulations on the commendable job on your essay exam. However, I regret to inform you that I must award you a B+, and not the A-you'd earned. Quite simply, I cannot tolerate your shouting at your neighbor to "stop chewing your gum like a d.a.m.n cow" during the test.

The reverberation of giggles after your profane outburst was disruptive and inappropriate, and I had no choice but to dock your grade.

Prof. D--- "Lord, what fools these mortals be!"

William Shakespeare (15641616), "A Midsummer Night's Dream,"

Act 2, Scene 2.

pi beta phi*pi beta phi*pi beta phi*pi beta phi.

january 21, 1991.

jen, congrats on the most faboo party!! it was our best ever, thanks to you! you rule as rush chairwoman...major snaps!!

however, the exec board has overturned the $100 fines you slapped on sisters not wearing green at the emerald city event. we think your attention to detail is totally awesome, but those fines were way harsh.

pi love and mine, pres. r--- p.s. we've also turned down your request to fine anyone who called you "hitler" during the party-we were totally joking!!

pi beta phi*pi beta phi*pi beta phi*pi beta phi

The Village Idiot BAR AND GRILLE.

5/25/95.

Jen, Thanks for volunteering to be in charge when I took Chris to the emergency room. His burn is healing well, and he will be back in the kitchen on Tuesday. You did an excellent job running things with a couple of small exceptions.

First, Brian will NOT be required to provide you with a detailed essay on the virtues of a properly cooked steak.

Second, I know you think the hostess wasn't seating people in an orderly manner, but I DID NOT give you the authority to fire her. She will also be back on Tuesday and expects an apology.

In the future, leave personnel decisions to me.

Thanks, B---.

From the desk of Miss Jennifer A. Lancaster March 1, 1999 Dear Human Resources, It is with regret that I'm tendering my resignation as a contract negotiator for Great Plaines HMO, effective two weeks from the date of this letter.

I appreciate the learning experience and I wish your organization tremendous success in the future.

Best, Jennifer A. Lancaster.

P.S. Perhaps the next time an angry physician locks a contract negotiator in a storage room as a bargaining ploy, you'll actually admonish the doctor in question. What you consider "a blip in the negotiation process with a crucial member of our provider network," I consider felony kidnapping.

P.P.S. I lied. It is with NO regret that I tender my resignation. I'm off to the dot-com sector to get rich. And the next time I'm locked in a closet? I'm pressing charges.