Campaign Ruby Part 15

We went inside to find a cl.u.s.ter of campaign workers folding letters. Envelopes stuck to their forearms on account of the lack of air-conditioning. In what looked like a stationery cupboard, we found Felix Winks on the phone. He wore a big NO WHALING badge, which made his lapel sag.

He finished his call, stood up and smiled at us. 'Great to see you, Maddy.'

'Hi,' said Maddy, as if she was auditioning for a p.o.r.no.

'Roo.' I shook his hand.

'I'd offer you both a seat but I've only got two,' he said. 'Let's go out for coffee.'

He led us down the street to a quaint little coffee shop where everyone knew his name. 'What can I get you?' he asked.

Maddy froze.

'I'd like a latte,' I said. 'And you, Maddy?'

'Same,' she swooned. 'But make it skinny. I only drink skinny.'

Save that poor girl from herself, Ruby.

'So,' Felix said, 'how do you want to do this?'

Maddy reddened. I stepped in. 'Max and Sh.e.l.ly will be here at half four, leaving us enough time for a quick half-hour walk-through.'

Maddy's hand trembled so much she struggled to pick up her teaspoon. I thought I had better continue. 'I understand you've been talking to Maddy about a shopping-centre walk.'

'Yes,' he said. 'The local Westfield works well for me because it's a Friday so we'll get the after-school mums and kids.' His brick of a phone started to vibrate violently on the table. 'This will be centre management-I'd better take it.' He took the call outside.

I turned to Maddy and whispered, 'I have no idea what I'm doing. You need to take over.'

She tore open a packet of sugar and emptied it everywhere but in her coffee. 'I'm cool,' she said, 'just a little jumpy-too much caffeine.'

Felix returned. 'We can go for a run-through now if we like. Does that work for you?'

'Yes,' said Maddy, 'we can come together-go together.'

We piled into the car and hit the road, stopping a hundred yards away at a set of lights near a busy intersection. Outside, in the scorching heat, a man was smoothing an adhesive sign onto a billboard. It was a colossal photograph of the LOO.

'What does it say?' Felix squinted in the sunlight.

'MAX MASTERS : STEADY HANDS , READY TO GOVERN .' I scanned the photograph. The silvery tie was perfect with his skin tone. His smile was friendly, his eyes serious. 'Oh no.' I groaned.

'What?' They both turned to me.

I pointed to the adjacent billboard.

EXPERIENCING ERECTILE PROBLEMS? TRY READY,.

STEADY, GO! CALL 1300 GET IT UP.

'That's just great,' said Felix. 'On the same street as my b.l.o.o.d.y campaign office.'

I took a photograph of the billboards and emailed it to Luke.

Hi Luke. Postcard from Adelaide. Regrettable slogan coincidence. R Maddy found a parking s.p.a.ce at the shopping centre and we were inside the blissfully cool air-conditioned building when my phone rang. It was Luke.

'Tell me you're kidding.' His voice was low.

'Sorry, Luke, photos don't lie.'

'There's not much we can do about it now, I guess. How big is it?'

'Long and stiff as a board.'

'Shhhh,' he said, 'don't make me laugh-Max is doing live radio. See you in Adelaide.'

I turned to Felix, who was busy chatting with Russell from centre management. Maddy stood behind Felix, shamelessly scoping out his a.r.s.e.

We were shown the entrance Max and Sh.e.l.ly would use and walked past a number of shops, including a green grocer, bakery, butcher, shoe repair, cafe and pet shop.

'All of these tenants are happy to have Mr and Mrs Masters in their shops,' Russell said, 'except the pet shop owner, because she's worried the flashes will spook the kittens.'

'Thanks for your time, Russell.' Felix shook his hand.

'No worries, Felix,' said Russell. 'My wife and I'll be voting for you. Will your girlfriend be joining us this afternoon?'

'Girlfriend?' hissed Maddy.

'Nonie's at work,' said Felix, 'but she'll come if she can-she's dying to meet Max and Sh.e.l.ly.'

'Terrific,' I said, to distract him from the sound of Maddy's heart shattering into a billion pieces.

Maddy excused herself. I took the opportunity to check my BlackBerry. I had about eighty unread emails, which seemed impossible because I didn't know that many people in this country let alone people with my four-day-old email address. There was one from Luke.

R.

Please find a way to get the media bus to the shopping centre without pa.s.sing the newly erected billboard.

Couldn't resist.

L.

PS Let's chat about your role at some point. Keep up the good work.

I went to find Maddy in the loos.

'Where are you?' My voice echoed through the stalls. 'Anyway, what kind of a name is Nonie?'

I heard a giggle. 'A dumb one,' Maddy said, opening the door. 'He's just so s.p.u.n.ky.'

'That means something entirely different where I come from,' I said. 'There are better candidates for you, I'm sure of it.'

'Doubt it.' She reapplied gloss in the mirror. 'There's no time to find a bloke in this job-it's all pollies, staff and journos, all of whom are off limits.'

'All of them?'

'All of them. Why?'

Yes, Ruby, why? asked my head.

'Come on,' I said, 'we need to find a way to get the media bus here without pa.s.sing the billboard.'

'I'll do that. You wait for the cops and buy me some chocolate.'

I went outside to Felix. 'What are you wearing this afternoon?'

'This.'

My head shook itself.

'Felix, you're about to be on national television and these will become your new file photographs with all the local papers.'

He looked down at his front-pleated chinos and the stripy s.h.i.+rt under his droopy jacket.

'I've watched enough Trinny and Susannah to know that s.h.i.+rt will strobe on telly, the jacket and chinos are too similar to look contrasting and too different to look matched. The LOO will probably be wearing a suit because he's coming straight from the plane.'

He looked wounded.

'Sorry.'

'No worries,' said Felix, perking up a bit. 'I'll go home and change. I've got a really gangster pinstripe-'

I shook my head. 'Anything plain?'

'Nonie knows my wardrobe better than I do. I'll get her on the phone.' He dialled and gave me his handset.

'Nonie, my name's Roo and I work for Max Masters. I need your help. Has Felix got any block-colour suits?'

'I am so glad you asked. I bought one for him, but he never wears it because he thinks it's too flash. It's just a two-b.u.t.ton black suit I got in the sales last year from Hugo Boss. It fits him like a glove. He has a white s.h.i.+rt and textured red tie to go with it.'

'Gorgeous,' I said. 'Is it clean?'

'It's still got the tags on. Listen, while I've got you on the phone I was thinking of wearing a little royal-blue summer dress and white cardigan-does that sound okay?'

'How little?'

She laughed. 'Below the knee.'

'Shoes?'

'White sandals, low-heeled.'

'Lovely,' I said, 'I look forward to meeting you.' I handed Felix his phone. 'Go home. Nonie knows what to do.'

When the cops had arrived and were satisfied with the venue, I went in search of chocolate and called Debs to track down my suitcase.

'Young Ruby,' she said, 'you'll be pleased to know I sent your bag to Perth with my colleague.'

'Actually, I'm in Adelaide.'

'b.u.g.g.e.r. Are you going to be there overnight?'

'I have no idea.'

'Well, when you know, tell me and I'll have it couriered to you. Are you still wearing your pink frock?'

'No,' I said. 'I bought myself some new gear and I sort of borrowed your overnight bag from Daphne's cupboard in Melbourne.'

'Did you now?' She laughed. 'And all this time I've been self-flagellating for my poor wardrobe-challenged niece, only to discover she has stolen my favourite pants.'

'I didn't steal any of your pants. That's disgusting.'

'Trousers are pants in this country, dear girl,' she said. 'The only people who wear trousers are old men and, in any case, they usually refer to them as slacks. Flip-flops are thongs, thongs are g-strings, sweets are lollies and a lay-by is a purchasing method-not a lorry stop. And we don't say lorry. It sounds like a girl's name, not a truck. Rhymes with f.u.c.k-far more appropriate. Daph has the list.'

'Whatever,' I said. 'Anyway, Aunty Debs, I'm very impressed that you referred to me as your niece. And there I was thinking you were a puppy-hating commitmentphobe.'

'I did not call you my niece. Anyway, I've got to go, champ. Super busy.' She hung up.

Then I remembered the trousers. I had left them and Debs' s.h.i.+rt in the Perth hotel laundry. I emailed Beryl.

Beryl Could you please track down the number for housekeeping at the hotel in Perth? I need to do some urgent trousers recovery.

Roo For the life of me, I couldn't remember the name of the hotel. I did recall that the bed had been comfortable and I hadn't spent enough time in it.

Armed with three bags of something called Fantales, I got a text message from Maddy.

In manager's office with Felix who looks seriously hot. Nonie looks like Cate b.l.o.o.d.y Blanchett with Angelina Jolie's lips. Come quickly-Luke on way from airport. M She wasn't wrong. Felix looked like he'd stepped off a red carpet and Nonie was a vision in a bias-cut, cobalt silk dress.

'You two look the part.'

'You must be Roo,' said Nonie, rus.h.i.+ng to embrace me. Maddy shot me a murderous look.

We made our way to the designated entrance to wait with the media scrum for Max and Sh.e.l.ly, Luke and the rest of the campaign team.

'Welcome back to Watson, Max,' said Felix when the LOO arrived. They began the walk.

I hung back at a safe distance with the journalists. 'Where have you been?' Oscar breathed in my ear.

'Here and there,' I said. 'And you?' Maddy, who was walking with Luke, turned around. I tried to ignore her stare.