More Bitter Than Death: A Novel Part 2

"Yeah, sorry. That was dumb."

She tugs again on the gray man's cardigan and I can see that one of the b.u.t.tons on the front is missing. As if she could read my mind, she suddenly covers the spot where the b.u.t.ton should have been. Embarra.s.sed. As if I had caught her in the middle of some sort of shameful act.

Patrik continues, "Mia didn't buy cereal for the baby. Mia didn't buy Colgate."

"I bought Sensodyne!" Mia protests.

"You know that I don't use that junk. You know what toothpaste we use. How many times do I need to tell you?"

"I'm sorry. I know, I forgot-"

"Wait a minute, both of you," I interject. "First of all, Patrik, you're breaking our rules when you belittle Mia like that. I would like you to apologize."

Patrik sighs melodramatically and lets his whole long body fall back against the back of the chair with a jerk, studying his wife from below his furrowed brows.

"Yes, sorry. That was dumb," he says. His voice is so neutral that I can't decide if he's being serious or sarcastic.

"Second of all, do you realize that you're arguing about a tube of toothpaste?" I ask.

Silence.

"h.e.l.lo?" I continue. "Does it matter if Mia buys Sensodyne or Colgate? Does it make any difference? Is that how you evaluate your relations.h.i.+p?"

"That's not what I'm saying," Patrik responds heatedly, not aggressively but more as if he were eager to explain to me how it all fits together, explain the situation. "I mean, it's not that the toothpaste really makes a difference, but it kind of symbolizes everything in our relations.h.i.+p. About Mia. She can never really do anything . . . right. It doesn't matter how many times you tell her."

"Sorry, sorry," Mia repeats as if it were a mantra.

I turn toward her and lower my voice. "Mia, how does it make you feel when Patrik says things like this?"

She hesitates and glances uncertainly at Patrik again. "I don't actually know . . ."

"Last time we met you mentioned that you sometimes felt like Patrik insulted you. Do you maybe feel a little bit insulted right now?" I prompt.

"I don't actually know," she says again.

"You see?" Patrik counters without hesitation. "She doesn't even know what she thinks. Okay, so I'm a jerk, but at least I can admit it. At least I know who I am."

I don't take my eyes off Mia.

"Mia, how does what Patrik is saying right now make you feel?"

"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know . . ." Mia is visibly frustrated, rocking back and forth in her chair. "I don't know anything anymore. I just know that . . . that I love Patrik and I want to . . . I want him . . . to love me back. And for us . . . to be a family again."

Patrik shakes his head and gives me a look of triumph. "What did I tell you?"

Excerpt from Pediatric Health Care Center Patient File

18-month checkup A boy 18 months old comes in for developmental a.s.sessment. The mother thinks the boy is behind, which concerns her. The mother describes the child as having abnormal language and speech development and says he does not always seem to understand her when she talks to him. The child does not speak but is responsive and does not withdraw from his parents. The mother also thinks her son has delayed psych.o.m.otor development and explains that he only recently learned to walk. No siblings in the home; the mother admits that she does not have much experience with children and nothing to compare him to.

During the visit the child is pleasant and cooperative. Nothing abnormal detected on his somatic exam. The child makes good eye contact and seems curious and interested. He appears somewhat behind in gross motor skills. Has some difficulties walking without support. His fine motor skills appear to be slightly delayed. He is unable to stack blocks or draw. However, this may be because the child is not interested in the tasks. I explained to the mother that all children develop differently, that speech and motor skills can vary dramatically and still fall within normal parameters. This seemed to rea.s.sure the mother, and no further action is currently considered necessary. We also made an appointment for the boy to see Nurse Ingrid for his vaccinations.

Sture Bengtsson, MD

The windows are black and the rain forms narrow rivulets that meander down the gla.s.s. I open the window, lean out, and see the neon lights on the complex of yellow brick buildings that house the Forsgrenska Pool and Medborgarplats Library. The light reflects off the wet cobblestones of the square below, and silhouettes of people make their way across the lit-up surface. Fall has taken over the city and the darkness feels both relentless and comforting. Raindrops fall on my face and the cold and damp penetrate my thin clothes.

I quickly shut the window and glance around the room to make sure that everything is tidy. There's an oval table in the middle of the conference room. There are seven chairs around it. Five of the places also have notepads and pens. On the wall there's a large, painstakingly cleaned whiteboard with the track lights aimed right at it. To the side there's a smaller table with mugs, a thermos, tea bags, and instant coffee. At Aina's and my places at the table there are two copies of the Self-Help Treatment Manual for Women Who Have Been Victims of Violence. Everything seems to be in order. Naturally I wouldn't want to overlook anything.

I glance up at the big clock over the shorter end of the table. Quarter to seven. The members of the first group will be showing up soon. The only thing missing is Aina. I feel a sense of irritation growing and feel guilty about it at the same time. What Aina has done for me can never be compensated, never be repaid. It is petty and small-minded of me to be upset at her for being fifteen minutes late. Aina comes running through the door with her keys in her hand and a bag containing a box of doughnuts between her teeth.

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself," she says through her clenched teeth, alluding to the bag.

"I thought you didn't want this to be coffee-and-doughnut therapy."

"No, s.h.i.+t, I know," Aina says. "But then I changed my mind, because this isn't therapy. It's self-help. And we're supposed to sit here for two hours. And it's almost seven o'clock. And we're going to be hungry." She took the bag out of her mouth and now she's balancing on one leg, trying to take off her knee-high boots. Then she curses and sits down in the doorway and starts tugging at them with both hands.

"You know from the beginning I suggested coffee-" I say.

She holds up her hand to stop me from objecting, to show that she doesn't want to have a pointless debate, the one we have for almost ritualistic reasons. We always find some minor detail that we don't agree on and then agree on all the big issues, the important ones.

The phone rings, alerting us that someone is down at the front door. Aina stands up, grabs her boots and the doughnuts, and runs out to the kitchen. I head out to open the door.

"Well then, now that everyone is here, I would like to start by welcoming you all to this group of women who have experienced violence."

Aina and I are standing at the whiteboard. I glance over at her. She has her blond hair up in an elaborate knot and she is wearing a beautiful knit shawl around her shoulders. She looks calm and collected, sure of herself, like someone you want to confide in. For my part I feel tired and tousled. The rain and wind have made a mess of my short, dark hair and my clothes are wrinkled. Not that I think it would matter if I were all dressed up; the dishevelment just makes me seem more approachable.

I look for the first time at the women attending the session. There are five women of various ages seated around the table. They are all avoiding looking at each other, keeping their eyes focused on Aina and me or straight down at the table. There's something helpless and insecure about them all.

The woman sitting closest to me appears to be about the same age as me. She has thick, dark hair, which she has up in a ponytail, and she's wearing worn jeans and a hooded sweats.h.i.+rt. I'm struck by how normal she looks. She looks like someone's sister or friend, a daycare worker or a bank teller. If you saw her in town you would never think she'd been the victim of violence, which makes sense of course. There's no template for how people like them-like us-are supposed to look. The woman squirms uncomfortably as if she has noticed that I'm looking at her. She looks me in the eye. Her eyes are dark, unflinching. She smiles cautiously, hesitantly, and then looks down at her hands resting on her knees.

Aina starts talking. She discusses the purpose of the group: "not a psychotherapy group, a self-help group led by a professional facilitator . . ."

And the rules: "Everything said here is confidential; you are all bound by an informal confidentiality agreement . . ."

And the guidelines: "once a week for eight weeks . . ."

It feels strange to have two group leaders. I can't help but study Aina, evaluate her efforts. She's doing well. The word confident comes to mind. Aina seems confident and secure. You can tell she's experienced. I think about how insecure I am in my role in this project. I'm a group leader, but at the same time a former victim of violence. A thin membrane separates the two, group leader instead of partic.i.p.ant, professional instead of victim.

"I think we'll start with a little presentation," Aina says. "It's unusual that you're all from the same town. You may recognize each other or have seen each other before. For that reason, we would like to remind you again of our confidentiality agreement. It's really important that you all feel safe here. None of you need to worry that what you say here in this group will become public knowledge. Okay?" She looks around the table, seeming to make eye contact with each of the partic.i.p.ants. I look at the women, who nod earnestly and murmur their agreement.

"Why don't we go around the room so you can tell us your names, your first name is enough, and then a brief word about why you're here. Of course you don't need to say any more than you want. Maybe you could also say something about what you hope to get out of attending this group, what you expect the group to help you with."

Aina smiles and manages to look both interested and compa.s.sionate at the same time.

"I'll start." The woman next to me looks around and smiles again, tentatively and a little nervously.

"My name is Kattis. Well, that's my nickname. It's really Katarina, but, Kattis, everyone always calls me Kattis. And I work at the Employment Center, as a caseworker slash instructor. Although maybe I shouldn't have told you that." She interrupts herself and shakes her head. "Sorry. I'm nervous. It's hard to talk about this stuff."

Aina catches her eye and gives her an encouraging nod. Kattis takes a deep breath and starts again.

"I'm here because I was abused by my ex-husband. I hope these sessions will help me move on, put Henrik behind me, and forgive myself for being so d.a.m.n stupid to have stayed with him." Exhale. Silence. Kattis looks as though she can't quite believe what she said.

"Welcome, Kattis. I'll keep your goals in mind," Aina says, nodding and jotting something down on her notepad. Then she turns to the young girl sitting next to Kattis. She can hardly be much older than eighteen, I think, young, thin, and frail, looks like she might break at any moment. Her long, narrow fingers are incessantly picking at something: her short skirt, her hair, her face.

"I'm Sofie, and I'm here because I was physically abused by my stepfather. Not incest or anything like that. He just used to hit me, when he was drunk or if I did something wrong, mostly. I'm here because I want . . ." Sofie stops talking and stares intently at the floor as if searching for the right words. "I want what she wants-Kattis, I mean." She smiles a little shyly at Kattis. "I want to move on and stuff, you know?"

Aina nods and makes a note. The other group members also nod. They look touched and interested.

After Sofie there's another young woman, a few years older but still young. She looks strong and energetic, with short, bleached-blond hair and a sporty outfit. I get the sense she's an athlete. She looks around and seems to be looking at everyone in the group at the same time.

"I'm Malin. I was raped by a guy I thought I could trust. I'm here because I hope it'll make me a little less angry. And because I don't want to feel like a victim. I think talking about it helps. I think things can get better."

Her voice is strong and clear and she tentatively makes eye contact with Aina. As if she's challenging her.

Aina writes something on her notepad and then moves on to the next woman. She's the oldest one in the group, probably in her sixties, permed hair, dyed red, and fingernails yellow from smoking. Her face is wrinkled and marked with age spots. Everything about her seems tired and downtrodden. As if life hasn't been kind to her. For a second I wonder what I have in common with these women. Probably nothing, I scold myself silently. I urge myself to focus on them, the women in the group, not on myself. I feel like a hopeless egocentric and keenly long to be outside in the darkness thick with rain.

"I'm Sirkka," the woman says in a thick Finnish accent. "I'm here because I was abused by my husband. As I have now come to understand, after all these years. He died last winter, and after that I started wondering."

She sighs, a sigh so deep that it causes all other activity in the room to cease. She has everyone's attention.

"I wish . . ." Doubt. "I wish I could start over again, like you young girls who are here. I'm too old now, but I guess I still hope that I can . . ." More doubt. "Make peace with myself, maybe." Sirkka bobs her head to indicate that she's said what she wanted to.

Now to the last of the partic.i.p.ants, a beautiful woman in her forties, short, dark hair that frames her face, green eyes, deep, wine-red lipstick, perfectly applied. She's impeccably dressed, the kind of woman you notice. She glances up from the table and decides to focus on me instead of Aina.

"I'm Hillevi, and right now I'm living in a shelter with my three kids, my boys." Hillevi smiles and looks happy, maybe at the thought of her sons.

"I lived in Solgrden before I started getting beaten up by the father of my sons, uh, well, my husband." Hillevi pauses. It's not an interruption because she's not sure what to say next, but rather a carefully considered pause, and it strikes me that Hillevi is an experienced speaker, comfortable talking in front of a group. She looks around the table but then turns her eyes back to me.

"I can live with the fact that he beat me. I was raised to believe in marriage. My parents are conservative Baptists and they taught me that marriage is for better or worse, come rain or s.h.i.+ne. Jakob didn't hit me often, and afterward he was always unbelievably full of remorse. He's not a misogynist. He respects me. He loves me. He's just so hot-tempered. He just gets so mad. We've seen a marriage counselor. Jakob has been trying, working on his behavior. I thought it had gotten better." Hillevi stops to think. "It did get better. Really. But then he hit Lukas."

She stops talking again. I look her in the eye and only now do I see the shame.

"He hit Lukas, that's our oldest son. He's almost seven."

Hillevi bursts into tears and lets them flow down her cheeks and down over her thin, pale neck.

"I'm here because I need to accept that I can't live with the man I love and because I need to forgive myself for not being able to protect our children."

I nod slowly to confirm that I've heard what she said. That I've witnessed that her world is crumbling and needs to be put back together in a new way.

Aina's voice brings me back to the group again and to the evening's agenda.

"Okay," she says. "Now we know a little more about each other. We thought we would proceed by describing some of the common reactions in people who have been the victims of these types of things, and also some of the most common phases people go through in dealing with such a crisis. But this isn't a lecture. It's intended more as a dialogue, so please feel free to interrupt me."

I clear my throat and turn around to grab a whiteboard pen. It's my turn to speak.

"People usually describe a crisis as having different phases. Have you ever heard this before?"

I outline the anatomy of a crisis on the whiteboard in front of us. The group sits quietly, watching me, waiting for my instructions. Suddenly I feel my cheeks burning. I'm not used to this, not used to leading groups this large. Not used to talking about the a.s.sault and abuse of women, not used to getting so close to my own fears while I'm at work.

Self-consciously I rub my hands over my black tunic and look down at the linoleum floor.

"Okay, we have fifteen minutes," I say. "I was thinking that maybe a couple of you would like to share your stories with us in a little more detail?"

To my surprise someone actually offers to go first. Malin silently raises her hand to indicate that she'd like to speak.

"I'd be happy to go first. It's not that hard for me-how should I put this-to talk about this stuff. Mostly it just makes me . . . angry."

Malin stops and looks right into my eyes from the opposite side of the ring of women. The room is completely silent, just the sound of traffic humming by from somewhere outside, out in the autumn darkness.

"Who are you angry at?" Sofie asks, hesitantly. And everyone suddenly turns to look at the slender girl to my left. She says it with such caution that it sounds like an apology instead of a question.

"At myself. Obviously," Malin says, and then laughs briefly but loudly with her mouth open. From the corner of my eye I can see Aina nodding, picking up her pen and making a note.

"Can you tell the story from the beginning? What happened?" Aina asks.

"It's really a very . . . pathetic story," Malin explains. "We met online, this guy and I, in a chat room, not on one of those shady s.e.x sites or anything. It was a website for long-distance runners. I'm a runner, you know. Anyway, I knew who he was. It's a really small world, you know, those of us who are involved in running on that kind of serious level, and he lives out in Varmdo too . . ."

Malin's voice fades away and to my surprise I can see that her hands are clenched onto her jeans-clad thighs with a convulsive tightness. On the surface she seems relaxed and open, but I conclude that this is actually very hard for her to talk about. Suddenly she exhales, a deep sigh escapes her, and she shakes her head a little.

"I know you can never really know who someone is online, not truly. I mean not, like, for real. But we used to chat and then, after we exchanged email addresses and phone numbers, we started emailing and texting each other. It was . . . well, it was kind of like flirting, I admit. Although it's not like there was anything graphic in those emails or text messages, nothing explicit, if you know what I mean. Although, okay, flirtatious and a little suggestive maybe. But there was absolutely nothing that . . . nothing that . . . would explain what . . . what happened."

Everyone nods, watching Malin, who pulls out a tube of lip balm in silence and holds it in her hand without using it.

"And then one day we talked to each other on the phone and decided we should meet, just like that, at his place. I know, that was a huge mistake," Malin says, shaking her head so that her short blond hair swishes around the top of her head like a helmet. She brushes her bangs to the side, raises the lip balm, and slowly runs it over her pale, full lips with a vacant expression on her face.

"That was my first mistake, but not my last," she said. "It was a Friday and I had been out for beer with a bunch of coworkers after work that day. We had just had our big bonus meeting at work. I sell advertising and every quarter we get a bonus check if our sales numbers are good enough, you know? And that day we'd all just found out that we had all made the cutoff, to get our bonuses, I mean. So everyone was feeling really . . . well, celebratory. To say the least. Everyone probably drank at least four, maybe five beers, me included. The problem was that I hardly ever drink. I mean, not that that's really a problem, but . . ."

Malin stops and looks at each of us one by one in silence as if she's wondering if she can trust us, if we can be trusted, if we deserve to be trusted.

"So I was drunk," she admits. "I'm so incredibly stupid."