Mr. Punch's Country Life Part 15

_Giles._ "I reckon he's allers in at meal-times, sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Curate._ "Oh--er--by the way, Mr. Bloggs, I was wondering whether you would give me a small subscription for a most excellent object: I mean the repairing of the cemetery wall."

_Wealthy Parvenu._ "Not me, sir. The cemetery wall don't _need_ any repairing. Them as is inside can't get out, an' them as is outside don't want to get in. Good mornin'!"]

_First Rustic_ (_just out of the County Hospital_). An' they putt me under that theer chlorryfum--an' I simmed to go right oop into 'Evin--yes, I wur oop in 'Evin fur a toime, sure 'nough.

_Second Rustic_ (_with interest_). An' did ye 'ear a pianner?

_Elderly Farmer_ (_who is being applied to for the character of his late shepherd_). No, I never 'ad no fault to find wi' the fellow--(_conscientiously_) not as I knows on. He unnerstan's shep--I will say _that_ fur 'en--he's a rare 'un at doctorin' of 'em, too. An' a stiddy chap an' that, keps a civil tongue in 'is yead, and don't go away on the booze. No, _I_ aint got nawthen' to say 'gainst th' man.

_The Inquirer._ Would ye hev any objection to sayin' why ye're partin'

wi' en?

_Eld. F._ Well, I dunno as theer was any partickler _reason_ for 't.

(_He endeavours to think of one in a puzzle-headed way._) I s'pose I must ha' thowt I'd make a bit of a s.h.i.+ft like--and theer ye hev it.

_First Stock-breeder_ (_to Second_). Well, an' how's Muster Spuddock to-day?

_Muster Spuddock._ Oh, 'mong th' middlins--'mong th' middlins. Pretty well fur an old 'un.

_First Stockbr._ An' how's trade with _you_, eh?

_Muster Sp._ (_beaming_). Oh, nawthen' doin'--nawthen' doin' 't all!

_First Stockbr._ (_with equal cheerfulness_). Same _'ere_, sir--same 'ere. On'y thing that's got money has been th' dead meat.

_Muster Sp._ (_without appearing to envy the dead meat on this account_). Ah, that's it. Ye cann't reckon on moor nor thrippence,--an'

your own expenses, i' coorse.

_First Stockbr._ An' _thet_'s borderin' nigh on fowerpence; an' when it comes to two pound a bullock----!

[_They shake their heads with an unsuccessful attempt to look lugubrious at these cryptic considerations._

_Muster Sp._ Well, well; sheep food's goin' to be plentiful, too, right up to Christmas.

_First Stockbr._ That's the way to look on it.

[_They go off to dine at the ordinary, with a sense that matters might be worse._

[Ill.u.s.tration: Jones, who can't sleep well in London during the hot weather, goes to have a quiet night in a village!

[_Portrait of_ one _of the village Cochins, &c._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: EDUCATION.--_Squire._ "Hobson, they tell me you've taken your boy away from the National School. What's that for?" _Villager._ "'Cause the master ain't fit to teach un!" _Squire._ "O, I've heard he's a very good master." _Villager._ "Well, all I knows is, he wanted to teach my boy to spell 'taters' with a 'p'!!!]"

[Ill.u.s.tration: COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.--_Farmer's Wife_ (_to little rustic, her protege_). "Well, Sam, your master and I are going up to London for the cattle show."

_Cow Boy._ "Oh, I'm sure I hope yeou'll take the fust prize, 'm--that I dew!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "IN THE LONG RUN."--_Town Gent._ "Now do you find keeping poultry answers?" _Country Gent_ (_lately retired_). "O, 'es, s'posed to answer. Y' see there's the original cost of the fowls--'f course the food goes down to me, y' know. Well, then, I purchase the eggs from the children, and they eat them!!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ONLY TWO FEET AT THE WINDOW"

(_Old song adapted_)

_Milkman_ (_aghast, anxiously_). "Hullo! Wot's that?"

_Old Woman._ "His.h.!.+ Our lodger, just come. Open-air cure!"]

AGRICULTURAL.--The poorest farmer in the land, if unable to feed his calves, can always graze his s.h.i.+ns.

AT THE CATTLE SHOW.--_Young Farmer._ "Are you fond of beasts, Miss Gusherton?"

_Miss Gusherton._ "Oh, really, Mr. Pawker, if you mean that as a declaration, you must speak to mamma!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Rector._ "Why, doctor, where are you off to? I thought the meet was down at the cross roads."

_Doctor._ "Well, the fact is, I've got a patient up here that I must see, and the hounds are certain to come this way."

_Rector._ "I see. Killing two birds with one stone, eh?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Short-sighted Old Gentleman._ "Excuse me, but I think you've dropped one of your parcels!"]