A Sketch Of What You Mean To Me Part 8

I took a deep breath. If she knew about the cancer, she would throw her Florida plans overboard and stay here to make sure I got better. I couldn't be a sudden speedb.u.mp on her highway to success.

Eric and Lea returned to the table as well.

'Are you tired already?' Eric asked.

'He doesn't feel well.' Fiona answered for me.

'Hm.' Eric's shoulders sagged a little. 'Do you think it will get better and you can come to the after party or...'

'How should I know?' I sighed. 'Right now, I just wish to be in bed. I turn out to be the party p.o.o.per at my own senior prom.' I snorted.

'Maybe you need some fresh air and will feel better?' He suggested.

'I can try.' I got up like an old man. They accompanied me outside, the girls soon standing there, clasping their arms around their upper body because of the evening breeze.

'And? How do you feel?' Fiona asked.

'No difference yet.'

'Do you want to go home?' She looked at me with concern in her eyes. 'Eric could drop us off before they go to the after party.'

'That's actually a good suggestion.' I felt relieved.

'That's too bad, man.' Eric said. 'I imagined this evening a little different.'

'Sometimes, life is not how you wished for it to be.' I said grumpily.

'Don't be offended. I just thought that this would be a night where we'd all get to see the sunrise together.'

'It will be more romantic if it's just you and Lea anyway.' I said.

Eric drove Fiona to her place and then dropped me off at my house.

'Have fun you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.' I managed a grin.

'That narrows it down. You get better. See ya.' Eric waved.

'Why are you home already?' My mom greeted me.

'It's nice to see you, too, mom.' I dragged myself past her.

'Are you okay?' She asked insistently.

'Yes.'

'So, you haven't told them yet?' She asked.

'No, it's still prom.'

'When will you tell them?' She placed a hand on her hip.

I sighed. 'Tomorrow. I will. I have to.'

I felt better the next day but after having been up for two hours, I soon felt tired again.

'I hope you haven't caught the flu. There's still my prom to go to next Friday.' Fiona said when she came to my house the next day.

Well, Fiona, I'm sorry. I wanted to say. But I couldn't plan for this cancer to start after your precious prom. Of course, I didn't say it because I knew it wouldn't have been fair. Nothing of this was fair but this surely shouldn't be any of her problems. The best thing really would be if she never found out about the cancer. I felt numb when I thought about that. Because the only way that she wouldn't know, was to cut off all the contact to her completely. Florida would help with that but that wouldn't be enough.

'No, no.' I said, thinking that the flu would be a nice alternative.

'Let's go to your room, I can give you a ma.s.sage and you can relax a little.' She suggested.

'That sounds nice but I think some fresh air would do me good. You came with your bike, right? Why don't we go for a ride?'

'Okay, sounds good to me, too.'

We drove in silence to a beautiful lookout point. There was a small parlor with a bench that was attached to two chains which hung from the roof of the parlor. We sat down on it and looked out onto the ocean.

'I hope I will find places like this in Florida.' She said, while leaning on my chest.

'I'm sure you will.' I said pensively.

'And you will call?' She looked into my eyes.

I slightly pushed her away to make her sit upright. What I was about to say would hurt her, but at least I'd give her a free ticket out of this disaster.

'Fiona, I'm not sure this is going to work.'

'What do you mean?' Her body tensed up.

I sighed. 'I've been thinking about this for a while now. A long distance relations.h.i.+p is just not what I envisioned for myself. We are so young.' My heart crumbled and everything inside me screamed vehemently.

'But you knew that from the beginning!' She exclaimed. 'And this whole time you were the one who said that we could make this work easily.'

I nodded, fighting the tears away. 'Yes but I didn't know what it really meant. You will be in Florida and probably soon meet someone more interesting anyway.' That thought made me sick. 'It's better if we stop it now and give each other that freedom.'

Slowly, realization crept over her face and with that, all the color left it.

'You're breaking up with me.' Her voice was a whisper. She swallowed. 'Out of the blue.' She blinked. 'You can't really mean that, Kevin. Right? There is no logical reason why we should split up. Wasn't everything perfect?' She looked at me with a bewildered expression.

I turned my gaze to the ground.

'You don't love me anymore.' She stated, a slightly insane touch appearing in her eyes.

I swallowed, so that the lump that had been building up in my throat would slide back down.

'Why did you even bother spending so much time with me if it was that terrible?' She pushed me away, and I had to hold onto the chain of the bench in order not to fall. 'You could've at least ended it some time ago, so that I could have had someone at prom with me who'd actually have enjoyed being there with me.' A new wave of panic showed in her expression. 'You won't even come next week, will you?'

It hurt my ego a little that all she thought of at that moment was that stupid prom.

'Is there anything other than prom that you think about or are you really that superficial?' I asked, which seemed to be that straw too many.

She snorted. 'This really hurts you know. I honestly wouldn't have expected this from you. Not after all the wonderful moments we had.' She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands.

'I'm sorry Fiona. I didn't want it this way and I didn't want to hurt you. Believe me.' I said insistently. I wished I could have told her the truth, could have made it all okay. But it would have only made it worse. And so what I did was getting up.

I swallowed looking at that picture of misery. 'We should go back now.'

She turned her head towards me and looked at me as if I was some kind of alien.

'I can't move.' She hissed. 'Why don't you make for the toilet and p.i.s.s off?' She turned her head away again.

I waited for her to add anything else but she didn't. 'I'm sorry.' I whispered more to myself. I knew I had to leave now or I would tell her everything after all. So, I went to my bike and drove off, breaking her heart and mine.

At home, I wanted to take it all back, I wanted to take her in my arms, kiss her and tell her how much I loved her. Of course I was upset. I didn't even dare thinking about being without her because my heart would start to feel so heavy and hurt so much I thought it was going to burst. There was no way I could live without hearing Fiona's voice daily, listening to all the little stories she had to tell. Not being able to hold her, touch her soft skin, let alone kiss her, would be a life not worth living. But it was better if she had to say goodbye to me now. That would give her some time to adjust that when the time came and I really wouldn't be here anymore, it wouldn't be so hard on her. And perhaps she wouldn't even have to go through h.e.l.l at all and would find someone else to fall in love with, someone who could give her all the time and energy she deserved.

Chapter 12.

Fiona called twice the next day. I neither picked up the phone nor called back. Then, she sent a text.

Seriously? That's just how it's going to end? You don't even talk to me anymore?

I felt like the cruelest person in the world. Was this really the right way to proceed? I paced around in my room nervously. I felt ashamed of myself. Never had I lied to somebody before and actually hurt that person with the lie.

h.e.l.looo???

But losing someone you love through death hurts much more than having a relations.h.i.+p end. Once I die, she can at least think that it served me right. I swallowed and answered her.

Stop. Talking will just make it worse because it won't change anything. IT'S OVER!

Her answer came promptly.

GO TO h.e.l.l.

Perhaps, I'd soon be there. I dropped onto my bed and pressed my hands to my temples. Her impulsivity would be a help in keeping her away from me. Now that she was so mad, I was sure I wouldn't hear anything from her anymore. And that's how it was. The calls stopped, she blocked me on social media and it was as if she never even existed. I stared at the blank spot where her profile picture used to be and started to sweat. What had I done?

When it knocked at my door, I hoped that it would be Fiona for a moment but when I heard my mom's voice, I quickly dismissed that thought.

'Kevin, are you sleeping?'

'No.'

'Can I come in?'

I didn't answer.

'h.e.l.lo? I'm coming in now.'

She entered and found me on my bed with red eyes from crying.

'What's wrong?' She asked softly.

'What is wrong?' I screamed. 'I might be dying and Fiona is leaving me for Florida and I'm not going to college. So sorry, if I'm not sitting all cheerful at the dinner table with you.'

'I know. I don't expect you to. But this is hard for me, too. I love you.' She touched my shoulder. 'Right now, you are here and you are hurting. Please, don't shut me out and make me feel like I have already lost you. Talk to me.' She added.

'I told Fiona.' I lied to my mom. Again. But it was necessary to keep Fiona from more harm because my mom would make me tell her the truth right away and then the mess would be even bigger.

'How did she react?'

'She was shocked. And then she said that she needed to digest this first.' I said grimly. 'That it was good that Florida would bring some distance between us. She broke up with me.' I put my head into my hands.

'What?' My mom was beside herself. 'This is so unlike her. You two were so good together, why would she push you away?'

'Yes!' I yelled. 'But that's what happened.'

'I don't understand. But everybody reacts differently when hearing bad news. Maybe you just need to give her some time and she will come around.'

I nodded, sad.

'I'm so sorry.' My mom said. 'How about Eric?'

'I haven't told him yet. What if he reacts the same way?'

'He won't. I could never have imagined that Fiona would react like this but I am even more certain that Eric will understand. Do you want me to tell him?

'No.' I sighed. 'I will. Can I please be alone now?'

She studied me with a concerned look but then nodded, turned on her heel and left the room.

During the week I somehow just functioned mechanically. However, it was like I was drunk. Everything around me seemed blurry and out of tune. At graduation, I couldn't even enjoy receiving my diploma. I just walked across the stage like a zombie. Afterward, we went to Eric's house with our parents for a party. It certainly wasn't the right time to spoil the mood but when is there ever a good time for it? My mom looked at me encouragingly when Eric and I were about to disappear to his room to be away from the loud crowd for a moment.

'So, what's bugging you?' Eric asked me.

'Why do you mean?' I said drily.

'You haven't smiled all week and even now you look like somebody died. Is it because Fiona is going to Florida?'

'That's one of the things, yes. We broke up. But that's not the main issh- '

'You what?' Eric made big eyes.