Ryan's Place Part 20

Keeping Maggie from learning the truth about his meetings with Jack Reilly was getting to be increasingly difficult for Ryan. When the P.I. came to him a few days later with the news that he had a lead on Ryan's brother Sean, Ryan was relieved on several levels. If nothing else, it meant he finally had something concrete to share with Maggie.

"What did you find out?" he asked the detective as an image of his dark-haired brother came to mind. "Where is he? Is he okay?"

"He's right here in Boston, working as a firefighter," Jack told him. "The trail led to his last foster family, but I had the devil's own time getting a word out of them. They were afraid that you'd just be stirring up bad memories. Finally I convinced them to contact him. I gave them my number, and he called earlier today."

"And?"

"He wants to see you. Here's the address and the phone number. The number's unlisted, so don't lose track of it."

"Did you tell him anything about me?"

Jack shook his head. "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to, so I just said you'd been anxious to find him and that I was sure you'd be in touch soon."

Ryan sighed. So, this was it? he thought, staring at the piece of paper with Sean's address. It was only a couple of miles away. It was hard to imagine, but they could have pa.s.sed on the street a thousand times and not even known it.

"You going to call him now?" Jack asked.

Ryan shook his head. "I need to tell someone first."

"Maggie?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'll leave you to it, then. Do you want me to keep looking for the others?"

No matter how this reunion went, Ryan knew he needed to find the rest of them now. He had to play this out to the end. "Of course."

"I'll be in touch, then." Jack glanced toward the door and smiled. "And here comes Maggie now. Just in time, I'd say."

He waved to Maggie, then took off. Maggie's gaze followed him from the bar before she came over and joined Ryan. "Another of those top-secret meetings? It must be quite a case he's handling."

Ryan slipped the piece of paper in his pocket. Despite Jack's advice, he wasn't ready to share the news yet. He needed to absorb it.

"Where have you been off to?" he asked, deliberately ignoring her question.

She regarded him with disappointment, but let the matter drop. "I went to see Lamar," she said.

"How is he?"

"Getting stronger every day. He wants to see you."

"I'll get by there this week. Is the new apartment okay?"

"A little small, but it's clean and in a nice neighborhood. Let.i.tia says it's a palace compared to the place where they were forced to stay before she gave up and moved to the shelter. We looked over her budget and found a way for her to put a little aside from Jamal's paycheck each week toward a down payment on a house. Once Lamar is back on his feet, she's going to look for work, too." Maggie eyed him speculatively. "I suggested she find a book of Irish recipes at the library and practice a bit, then invite us over for dinner."

Ryan shook his head. "As if Father Francis weren't bad enough, now you're going to be bringing me new employees?"

"I never said anything about you hiring her," Maggie said, her expression perfectly innocent. "But it's a great idea, don't you think? Besides, Rosita will be having her baby anytime now, so there'll be an opening in the kitchen."

"As if Rosita has done a lick of work since she came," Ryan grumbled.

"Only because Rory is a gentleman," Maggie replied.

"Okay, fine. Whatever. If Let.i.tia needs a job, we'll work it out."

Maggie studied him with a narrowed gaze, as if she suspected his capitulation had been too easy. "Is everything okay? Is there something you're not telling me?"

Ryan frowned at the question. "Who says I'm keeping anything from you?" he asked defensively.

"Nothing's really changed, has it?" she asked. "You still can't let me all the way into your life."

He heard the unmistakable hurt in her voice. Regret washed through him, but he couldn't make himself share the truth. Not just yet. "I'm sorry, Maggie. I'm trying, but I'm not there yet. Be patient, okay?"

She sighed heavily. "Since I'm in love with you, it seems I have no choice."

Her easy claim of love startled him. He'd known her feelings for him were growing, but to have her admit that she actually loved him caught him off guard. Even more surprising was the fact that it didn't terrify him. Rather, it made him want to admit that his feelings were growing deeper as well.

He took her hand in his, swallowed hard, then fumbled until he found the right words. "If it's any consolation, I love you, too." The admission had been easier than he'd expected, but he couldn't help adding a quick disclaimer. "At least as much as I know how to love anyone. Can that be enough for you?"

A faint glimmer of a smile appeared on her lips. "For now," she said, her eyes s.h.i.+mmering with unshed tears. "It is for now."

Ryan must have looked at that slip of paper with Sean's address on it a dozen times a day. Each time he picked up the phone to call his brother, then settled the receiver back into its cradle. For two solid weeks that paper taunted him, as did the worried frown puckering Maggie's brow. He evaded all the questions Rory and Father Francis had about his dark mood, as well. He was driving them all away, and all because he was afraid to tell them the momentous news that he'd found one of his brothers.

At night, lying awake in bed next to a sleeping Maggie, he questioned why he was having such a difficult time with this. It didn't take long for him to figure out the answer. He was desperately afraid of how seeing Sean again might change things.

What if his brother hated him for standing by and watching him walk away with strangers that day and doing nothing? For all Ryan knew, Sean could have found their parents and discovered that Ryan's worst fear was accurate, that he had somehow driven them away. He knew it was a boy's fear, not that of a rational grown-up, but he couldn't seem to turn his back on it just the same. He'd lived with that guilt burning inside him for too many years.

Greater than the fear of all that, though, was this mounting panic that if he didn't do something, Maggie would eventually slip away. Despite her promise to give him all the time he needed, it was already happening. She was growing more reserved as he insisted on keeping his secret. The openness he prized in her was giving way to brooding silences. He couldn't let that go on or he would lose her forever. He sighed heavily.

"Ryan?" she murmured, rolling toward him. "Are you awake?"

He nodded, then realized she probably had her eyes closed. "Yes. Go back to sleep. I didn't mean to disturb you."

Instead, she propped herself on her elbow and studied him sleepily. "What's wrong?"

"I have a lot on my mind."

"Please tell me."

He hesitated, then drew in a deep breath. This was the moment he'd been waiting for, here in the dark, where she couldn't read his expression so readily.

When he didn't speak right away, she said, "Is it so hard to talk to me? There's nothing you can't say now. I want to be here for you, but I can't be if you won't let me in."

She was right and he knew it. "Okay, here it is. I've had Jack looking for my family," he said quietly.

"Really?" Maggie remarked, her voice surprisingly neutral, as if she didn't want to risk getting excited. "And?"

Relieved by her calm, accepting reaction, he went on. "He's found one of my brothers."

"Oh, my G.o.d," she murmured. "Which one?"

"Sean. He's two years younger than I am."

He felt her tears fall on his bare chest. "Oh, Ryan, that's wonderful! How long have you known?"

"A couple of weeks now."

"And you haven't said a word? Why not?"

"I'm not entirely sure why I haven't," he admitted candidly.

"Have you been to see him?"

"No...."

"Why on earth not? Is he here in Boston?"

He shrugged, feeling helpless. "Only a couple of miles away, as a matter of fact. And to be honest, I don't know why I haven't called or gone to see him. He must be wondering about it, too, since Jack told him I was looking for him."

"Oh, Ryan, put yourself in his shoes," Maggie said urgently. "It must be awful waiting for a call that hasn't come. It must be a little bit like reliving what he went through after your parents took off. I'm sure all of you kept expecting to get a phone call any day."

"Oh, G.o.d," Ryan whispered, struck by her words. "I never looked at it that way. You're right, Maggie. It was months before I finally accepted the fact that they weren't calling and weren't coming back." The memory still haunted him. How many hours had he stayed near the phone wherever he was, waiting, trying desperately not to hope when it rang, fighting tears when it wasn't for him.

"That's when I started getting in trouble," he told Maggie. "Once I knew that it didn't matter where I was, because they were never going to look for me, I didn't care if I was moved from foster home to foster home. I didn't want to get attached to any of those families, so whenever I felt myself letting down my guard, I'd do something to get sent away."

He felt Maggie's hand on his cheek.

"It must have been so awful for you," she said sympathetically. "And now you have a chance to get back something you lost. Don't wait another day. Call Sean. Go to see him."

Ryan wasn't sure he could do it alone. "Would you...?" He looked into Maggie's eyes. "I want you to come with me."

To his dismay she shook her head. "Ryan, after all these years this should be private, just the two of you."

He searched his heart for the strength, but it wasn't there. Besides, having Maggie with him, since she'd been the one to encourage the search, felt right. "No, I need you to be there. If we're going to be family, that's how it should be."

She stared at him, clearly stunned by the casual mention of a future for the two of them. "Are we? Are we going to be family?"

He was just as shocked that she hadn't known that that was what they were leading up to, that it was the reason for everything he'd done lately to deal with the past. He was desperately trying to tie up all the loose ends so he could move forward with a clear conscience.

"That's why I'm doing this," he explained. "I want to find them all, to make sure that, you know, there are no problems you ought to know about before you marry me."

"Problems?" she asked, clearly bewildered.

"Illnesses, that kind of thing," he said, avoiding her gaze.

Maggie sat straight up in bed and regarded him with unmistakable dismay. "You're looking for them to see if everyone's healthy? healthy?"

"Of course," he said defensively. "That's the responsible thing to do."

"And that's the only reason?" she asked, disbelief still written all over her face.

"It's important, dammit!"

"Oh, Ryan," she whispered, fresh tears tracking down her cheeks. "It shouldn't be about that."

And then, to his shock, she climbed out of bed, dragged on her clothes and left the room without so much as a glance in his direction. And somehow, despite the terrible, aching emptiness inside him, he couldn't find a single word to call her back.

Chapter Fourteen.

Ryan didn't get it. He'd done what Maggie wanted. Maybe he hadn't found his whole family, but he'd found one of his brothers. That was a start, dammit! What did she want from him? If she was expecting the Devaneys to suddenly turn all warm and fuzzy like the O'Briens-well, it wasn't going to happen. There was too blasted much water under the bridge for that.

"Ryan, you've the look of a man with a lot on his mind," Father Francis said, sliding onto a stool at the bar. "Anything I can help with?"

"Not unless you can explain the way a woman's mind works," Ryan retorted.

Father Francis grinned. "Now that is a mysterious thing," he agreed. "Are we talking about any woman's mind, or is it Maggie's that has you looking as if there's a dark cloud hanging over your head?"

"Maggie's, of course."

"I notice she hasn't been coming in as regularly as she was," Father Francis said. "It's been a few days since her last visit, hasn't it?"

"Close to a week," Ryan admitted despondently.

"Have you spoken to her?"

He shook his head. What was the point of calling, when he didn't know what to say?

Father Francis looked dismayed. "Now there's your first mistake, it seems to me. Whether he's right or wrong, a man should take the first step toward making things right." He gave Ryan a canny look. "Unless, of course, you're happy with the way things are."

"No, of course not, but I don't know the first thing about smoothing this over. I have no idea what Maggie expects. She's the one who walked out." It was a disingenuous statement, and Ryan knew it. He knew precisely why Maggie was so furious. She was outraged because he cared more about making sure his family health history was problem free than he did about some phony family reunion.

Father Francis studied him intently. "She left without giving you any clue at all about why she was upset?" the priest asked doubtfully. "That doesn't sound like Maggie."

"Are you calling me a liar?" Ryan asked edgily.