The Last Dragonslayer Part 15

'But ugly, of course? And potentially a maneater with nothing on his mind but death and destruction?'

'Not in the least.'

Yogi Baird abandoned that line of questioning.

'O... kay. Even pre-cogs as low as B-3 are receiving visions that he is shortly to be killed at your hands. What's your reaction to that?'

'I can't say. Maltca.s.sion has not transgressed the Dragonpact so it all looks like a lot of smoke to me. He will die eventually, of course, and when he does I am firmly of the opinion that the Dragonlands should be converted into a national park-'

'What a novel idea!' Yogi laughed. 'This area is badly in need of more housing, Miss Strange. Three hundred and twenty square miles of prime real estate on the borders don't pop up every day, and they represent thousands of jobs and much prosperity. Are you seriously trying to tell the viewers that we should ignore all that and instead devote the land to a few creatures of dubious value?'

'Well... yes. I saw a herd of Buzonjis up there; until yesterday they were thought to be almost extinct.'

'I'm no expert, of course,' said Baird in the sort of voice people use when they are trying to tell you they are are an expert, 'but I think you'll find the best place for endangered species is in a zoo. What are zoos for anyway? Without all these endangered species kicking around, there'd be no work for zookeepers and naturalists.' an expert, 'but I think you'll find the best place for endangered species is in a zoo. What are zoos for anyway? Without all these endangered species kicking around, there'd be no work for zookeepers and naturalists.'

'Eh?'

Yogi steered the show towards something less controversial.

'So tell me, what makes a good Dragonslayer? A steady hand and a sharp sword?'

'I think the name Dragonslayer is a misnomer,' I answered carefully. 'I see myself more as a keeper, who has to weigh the interests of the Dragon against dangerous outside influences.'

'Ah yes. Some newspapers have criticised you for your pro-Dragon stance. Our researchers have uncovered that Dragons are, and I quote: Dangerous fire-breathing and evil-smelling loathsome vermin who would think nothing of torching an entire village and eating all the babies were it not for the magic of the Dragonpact Dangerous fire-breathing and evil-smelling loathsome vermin who would think nothing of torching an entire village and eating all the babies were it not for the magic of the Dragonpact.'

'Where did you read that that?'

'My researchers have sources.'

'Well,' I conceded, 'it is is the populist view, although after my short meeting with Maltca.s.sion I was more inclined to think him a gentleman of considerable learning.' the populist view, although after my short meeting with Maltca.s.sion I was more inclined to think him a gentleman of considerable learning.'

'So, loathsome worm or learned gentleman? Let's see what the callers have to say. I have Millie Barnes on line one. h.e.l.lo, Millie, what is your question, please?'

A little girl's voice came over the loudspeaker. She couldn't have been older than five.

'h.e.l.lo, Jennifer. What's a Dragon like?'

'He looks like a huge pile of stones, Millie. Rough and shapeless. You wouldn't know he was there unless he spoke. As for character, he is n.o.ble and fearless and has much that he could teach us-'

'Thank you for your question, Millie,' said Mr Baird dismissively. 'I have Colonel Baggsum-Gayme on three. Go ahead, Colonel.'

'Jennifer, m'girl,' said the colonel gruffly, 'best not to try and attack the blighter on your own, what with you being a girlie and all. Allow me to offer my services as the finest hunter of big game, advice absolutely free as long as I can stuff the ruffian and put him in the trophy room. I'll even have one of his legs made into an umbrella stand for you. Deal?'

'Next caller?' I asked.

'h.e.l.lo, yes, I think you have been beguiled, my dear. Everyone knows that Dragons are evil reptiles with no sense of reason and exist only to steal livestock, frighten small ladies and little old children and make us vote Marxist.'

'h.e.l.lo,' said the next caller, 'I think what you're doing is absolutely right and you should follow your own obviously high moral code in this most difficult of situations.'

I liked this caller better.

'Thank you, Mister... ?'

'Strange. Or at least it will be. I think that I should adopt your your name when we are married. Do you like Chinese food?' name when we are married. Do you like Chinese food?'

'Thank you, caller. I have Mr Savage from Worthing on line six. h.e.l.lo, caller, go ahead.'

'h.e.l.lo, Miss Strange.'

'h.e.l.lo, Mr Savage. What's your question?'

'You call yourself a Dragonslayer, Miss Strange, but I have irrefutable evidence shown to me by a man in the pub that it is I who am the true Dragonslayer. I see you as an usurper, keeping me from my true calling.'

'Well, Mr Savage,' I began, thinking how wrong I was to suppose that I would get only one nutter on the phone-in, 'perhaps you and I should discuss this inside inside the Dragonlands. As you know, only a true-' the Dragonlands. As you know, only a true-'

But the line had gone dead.

'Our next caller is Mrs Shue from the Corporate Kingdom of Financia. h.e.l.lo, caller, go ahead.'

'h.e.l.lo, yes. My husband is up at the Dragonlands, waiting for this creature to die, and we wanted to claim a small hill overlooking a stream. I wonder if you can tell us the best place to go once the force-field is down?'

'My advice to you,' I began slowly, 'is the same as for every person who might be waiting up at the Dragonlands.'

'Yes?' said Yogi Baird expectantly.

'Go home. No matter what prophecy you've heard, the Dragon has done nothing wrong. He is fit and well and will doubtless last for years.' I suddenly felt very angry. 'What is the matter with you people? A n.o.ble beast may die, and all you are thinking about is lining your own pockets. You're like a bunch of vultures hopping around a wounded zebra, waiting for the moment to poke your heads into the ribcage and greedily pluck out a piece of-'

I was almost shouting in my anger but stopped when one of the TV lights popped.

'That's it!' said the engineer, looking up from his mixing panel. 'They've pulled the plug. We're off air.'

Yogi pulled his earpiece out and glared at me.

'I have NEVER NEVER been pulled on a live programme before, Miss Strange! Who do you think you're talking to? This is been pulled on a live programme before, Miss Strange! Who do you think you're talking to? This is my my show and I like to keep it light. You want to get on a soapbox? Go on show and I like to keep it light. You want to get on a soapbox? Go on Tonight with Clifford Serious Tonight with Clifford Serious.'

'But-'

He hadn't finished.

'I've been on TV for twenty years so I think my opinions count for something. Let me give you some advice: act a bit more responsibly in front of thirty million people. The bosses at Yummy-Flakes are not going to be pleased. If I knew you were a troublemaker I would have interviewed Sir Matt Grifflon instead. At least he has a song he's promoting-!'

'Yogi, darling!' yelled his producer, holding a telephone. 'I've got the Zebra Society on the phone; they think we're negatively portraying zebras as pa.s.sive victims. Will you have a word? They're a bit upset.'

Baird glared at me.

'And I've got the Vulture Foundation on line two. They think your programme is spreading unfair stereotypes about a n.o.ble bird.'

'See what you've done? A few badly placed words in this business and it's curtains. Ratings are everything how could you be so selfish?'

He turned, glared at me and took the phone from his producer.

'No, sir,' I heard him say. 'I simply adore adore zebras...' zebras...'

Foundling Trouble

I walked back to Zambini Towers. There seemed to be a buzz in the city. The influx of people eager to stake a claim had been huge, and all the shopkeepers had been doing a roaring trade, keeping those in constant vigil up by the Dragonlands well supplied with food, bedding and drink. Stocks of string had long ago run out, and a consignment of ten thousand claim forms had sold out in thirteen minutes.

Lady Mawgon was sitting in the lobby and looked as though she had been waiting to see me.

'Miss Strange,' she said, rising to meet me, 'don't think that becoming a Dragonslayer has in any way altered the low opinion that I hold of you and Master Prawns. Despite that frightful hag Zen.o.bia refusing to supply us with any alternative foundlings, I have negotiated with the King of Pembroke to send us replacements. They arrive on Monday, so I will expect you to be packed and back at the Blessed Ladies of the Lobster by Monday lunchtime.'

She glared at me with a triumphant grin.

'With the greatest of respect, my Lady,' I replied, 'I believe only Mr Zambini can sign our release papers.'

'On the contrary,' sneered Lady Mawgon, who had obviously been doing her homework, 'the Minister for Foundling Affairs is King Snodd's useless brother, and he owes me a favour. He will sign your papers.'

She smiled.

'There. Until Monday, then. And don't try to steal any cutlery I'll be searching you both as you leave.'

I stared at her hotly. There didn't seem to be much I could say. Luckily, I didn't need to.

'Jennifer?'

It was Tiger with a message.

'Yes?'

'There's been a news flash. The Duke of Brecon has raised an army to advance upon the Dragonlands as soon as the Dragon is dead. They aim to claim most of the land for themselves. Every able-bodied man or woman in the Kingdom of Brecon is to be mobilised.'

A cold hand fell on my heart. I hadn't thought that it would come to this so quickly. The Kingdom of Hereford and the Duchy of Brecon had been itching for a sc.r.a.p for years, and the size of their armies made it potentially the biggest land battle fought in the Kingdoms since the Third Troll War. Worse, I knew for a fact that King Snodd was dying to try out his super-dreadnought lands.h.i.+ps, vast tracked vehicles of riveted steel seven storeys high that crushed and destroyed all in their path.

'We haven't had a good war for years,' said Lady Mawgon, 'and never one on live TV. Colourful costumes, the clank of machinery, rousing songs. It will be most enjoyable.'

'If your idea of enjoyment is watching people killed in an unspeakably unpleasant way,' replied Tiger sarcastically, 'then I guess so.'

'Your impertinence knows no bounds,' remarked Lady Mawgon scornfully, 'but since you will not be here for long, I shall ignore it. There won't be any death it'll be a walkover. Brecon won't be able to muster anything more than five thousand troops. Hereford has a lot of seriously good military hardware, at least eighty thousand men and that doesn't include the Berserkers.'

'King Snodd would use Berserkers?' I asked.

'He would,' replied Lady Mawgon. 'Nothing like the sight of a Berserker in a crazed frenzy to get the enemy to beg for peace.'

I was shocked. Berserkers were highly unstable individuals possessed of such grossly volatile temperaments that it allowed them to fight with extraordinary powers in every civilised nation they were defined under the Geneva Convention as 'illegal weapons of war that could cause unnecessary suffering and injury'.

'Would you excuse me, Lady Mawgon? I have to make a telephone call.'

She inclined her head to dismiss us, and we hurried off towards the offices.

'Here,' I said, handing Tiger a signed photo of Yogi Baird, 'I was going to tear this up into small pieces but thought you might like to instead.'

'That's very thoughtful of you,' said Tiger, 'thank you. Did Lady Mawgon tell you about us being replaced?'

'That's not until Monday,' I said. 'Lots can happen.'

'I don't want to go back to the Sisterhood.'

'It won't come to that, I promise.'

I wished I could believe it. The rights that foundlings possessed could be written on an ant in quite large letters. I was in no doubt that Mawgon could do precisely as she said, and there was nothing we could do to stop her.

'Think that's small enough?' asked Tiger, showing me the torn-up picture of Yogi Baird.

'That bit there,' I said, pointing out a piece that still might be smaller. I dialled the number Lord Tenbury had given me and was soon through to the switchboard at Snodd Hill Castle.

'I'd like to speak to the King, please.'

'I'm sorry,' said a snotty telephonist with a plummy voice, 'the King doesn't take person-to-person calls.'

'Tell him it's Jennifer Strange.'

There was protracted silence and a few minutes later the King came on the line.

'I don't make a habit of using the phone, Miss Strange,' he announced loftily, 'but since it is you I am willing to make an exception. You wish to tell me you will lay claim to the lands for me?'

'You cannot go to war over the Dragonlands,' I said, all royal protocol now vanished. There was silence for a few moments.

'Cannot?' questioned the King. 'Cannot? It is your your behaviour that tempers me to this extremity, my dear. If you had made claim to the lands as we requested, then none of this would be necessary. Brecon ama.s.ses his troops at the border, so we must meet force with force.' behaviour that tempers me to this extremity, my dear. If you had made claim to the lands as we requested, then none of this would be necessary. Brecon ama.s.ses his troops at the border, so we must meet force with force.'

'But the Dragon is not going to die. He has done nothing wrong!'

'The court soothsayer Sage O'Neons is rarely mistaken, my dear. Are you willing to lay claim to the Dragonlands for the Crown?'

'Will it stop the battle?'

'Sadly, no. It will merely give us the benefit of international law being on our side.'

'Then I gain nothing; I refuse.'

Royal politics was not something I was good at. But the King had other ideas.

'There is something you can can do to avert serious loss of life even now.' do to avert serious loss of life even now.'

'What?'