The Invention Of Wings Part 13

Handful.

Some days I'd be coming down East Bay and catch sight of a woman with cinnamon skin slipping round a corner, a s.n.a.t.c.h of red scarf on her head, and I'd say, There you are again. I was twenty-five years old and still talking to her.

Every October on the anniversary-day of mauma going missing, us slaves sat in the kitchen house and reminisced on her. I hated to see that day come dragging round.

On the six-year mark, Binah patted my leg and said, "Your mauma gone, but we still here, the sky ain't fall in yet."

No, but every year one more slat got knocked out from under it.

That evening, they dredged up stories on mauma that went on past supper. Stealing the bolt of green cloth. Hoodwinking missus with her limp. Wrangling the cellar room. Getting herself hired out. That whole Jesus-act she did. Tomfry told about the time missus had him search the premise and mauma was nowhere on it, how we slipped her in the front door to the roof, then trumped up that story about her falling asleep there. Same old tales. Same laughing and slapping.

Now that she was gone, they loved her a lot better.

"You sure do have her eyes," Goodis said, looking at me moon-face like he always did.

I did have her eyes, but the rest of me had come from my daddy. Mauma said he was an undersize man and blacker than the backside of the moon.

On my sake, they left out the stories of her pain and sorrow. Nothing about what might've happened to her. Every one of them, even Goodis, believed she'd run and was living the high life of freedom somewhere. I could more easy believe she'd been on the roof all this time, sleeping.

Outside the day was fading off. Tomfry said it was time to light the lamps in the house, but n.o.body moved, and I felt the ache for them to know the real woman mauma was, not just the cunning one, but the one smelted from iron, the one who paced the nights and prayed to my granny-mauma. Mauma had yearned more in a day than they felt in a year. She'd worked herself to the bone and courted danger, searching for something better. I wanted them to know that woman. That was the one who wouldn't leave me.

I said, "She didn't run off. I can't help what you think, but she didn't run."

They just sat there and looked at me. You could see the little wheels turning in their heads: The poor misled girl, the poor misled girl.

Tomfry spoke up, said, "Handful, think now. If she didn't run off, she got to be dead. Which-a-one you want us to believe?"

No one had put it to me that straight before. Mauma's story quilt had slaves flying through the sky and slaves laying dead on the ground, but in my way of reckoning, mauma was lost somewhere between the two. Between flyaway and dead-and-gone.

Which-a-one? The air was stiff as starch.

"Not neither one," I told them and got up from there and left.

In my room, I laid down on the bed, on top of the story quilt, and stared at the quilt frame still nailed to the ceiling. I never lowered it anymore, but I slept under mauma's stories every night except summers and the heat of autumn, and I knew them front, back, and sideways. Mauma had sewed where she came from, who she was, what she loved, the things she'd suffered, and the things she hoped. She'd found a way to tell it.

After a while, I heard footsteps overhead-Tomfry, Cindie, Binah up there lighting lamps. I didn't have to worry with Sarah's lamp anymore. I just had sewing duties now. Some time ago, Sarah had given me back to missus, official on paper. She said she didn't want part in owning a human person. She'd come special to my room to tell me, so nerve-racked she couldn't hardly get the words up. ". . . . . . I would've freed you if I could . . . but there's a law . . . It doesn't allow owners to easily free slaves anymore . . . Otherwise, I would have . . . you know that . . . don't you?"

After that, it was plain as the freckles on her face-the only way I was getting away from missus was drop dead, get sold, or find the hid-place mauma had gone. Some days I mooned over the money mauma'd saved-it never had turned up. If I could find that fortune, I could try and buy my freedom from missus like we'd planned on. Least I'd have a chance-a horse-p.i.s.s of a chance, but it would be enough to keep me going.

Six years gone. I rolled over on the bed, my face to the window. I said, "Mauma, what happened to you?"

When the new year came round, I was in the market getting what Aunt-Sister needed when I overheard the slave who cleaned the butcher stall talking about the African church. This slave's name was Jesse, a good, kind man. He used to take the leftover pig bladders and fill them with water for the children to have a balloon. I didn't usually pay him any mind-he was always wagging his tongue, putting Praise the Lord at the end of every sentence-but this day, I don't know why it was, I went over there to hear what he was saying.

Aunt-Sister had told me to hurry back, that it looked like sleet coming, but I stood there with the raw smell hanging in the air while he talked about the church. I found out the proper name was African Methodist Episcopal Church, and it was just for coloreds, slaves and free blacks together, and it was meeting in an empty hea.r.s.e house near the black burial ground. Said the place was packed to the rafters every night.

A slave man next to me, wearing some worn-out-looking livery, said, "Since when is the city so fool-trusting to let slaves run their own church?"

Everybody laughed at that, like the joke was on Charleston.

Jesse said, "Well, ain't that the truth, Praise the Lord. There's a man at the church who's always talking 'bout Moses leading the slaves from Egypt, Praise the Lord. He say, Charleston is Egypt all over again. Praise the Lord."

My scalp p.r.i.c.ked. I said, "What's the man's name?"

Jesse said, "Denmark Vesey."

For years, I'd refused to think of Mr. Vesey, how mauma had sewed him on the last square on her story quilt. I didn't like the man being on it, didn't like the man period. I'd never thought he knew anything about what happened to her, why would he, but standing there, a bell rang in my head and told me it was worth a try. Maybe then I could put mauma to rest.

That's when I decided to get religion.

First chance I got, I told Sarah I was burdened down with the need for deliverance, and G.o.d was calling me to the African church. I dabbed at my eyes a little.

I was cut straight from my mauma's cloth.

Next day, missus called me to her room. She was sitting by the window with her Bible laid open. "It has come to my attention you wish to join the new church that has been established in the city for your kind. Sarah informs me you want to attend nightly meetings. I'll allow you to go twice a week in the evenings and on Sunday, as long as it doesn't interfere with your work or cause problems of any sort. Sarah will prepare your pa.s.s."

She looked at me through her little gla.s.ses. She said, "See to it you don't squander the favor I'm granting you."

"Yessum." For measure, I added, "Praise the Lord."

Sarah.

I couldn't imagine why Nina and I had been summoned to the first-floor drawing room-that was never a good thing. We entered to find the very corpulent Reverend Gadsden seated on the yellow silk settee, and beside him, Mother, squeezed way over to one side, gripping her cane as if she might bore it into the floor. Glancing at Nina, who, at fourteen, was taller than I was, I noticed her eyes flash beneath their thick, dark lashes. She gave her chin a tiny defiant yank upward, and for a moment, I felt a pa.s.sing bit of pity for the reverend.

"Close the door behind you," Mother said. Down the pa.s.sageway, Father was in his room, too ill now to work. Dr. Geddings had ordered quiet, and for weeks, the slaves had padded about, speaking in whispers, careful not to rattle a tray for fear of their lives. When one's physician prescribes quiet as a remedy, along with a syrup made from horseradish root, he has clearly given up.

I took my seat on the twin settee beside Nina, facing the pair of them. The accusation against me would be failing as Nina's G.o.dmother. As usual.

This past Sunday, my sister had refused confirmation into St. Philip's Church, and it wasn't even that as much as the way she'd done it. She'd made a pageant of it. When the other youths left their chairs on the dais and went to the altar rail for the bishop to lay his hands on their sweet heads, Nina remained pointedly in her seat. Our entire family was there, except for Father, and I watched with a confused mix of embarra.s.sment and pride as she sat with her arms crossed, her dark hair gleaming around her shoulders and a tiny circle of red blazing on each of her cheeks.

The bishop walked over and spoke to her, and she shook her head. Mother went stiff as a piece of wrought iron on the pew beside me, and I felt the air in the church clotting around our heads. There was more coaxing by the bishop, more obstinacy by Nina, until he gave up and continued the service.

I'd had no inkling what she planned, though perhaps I should have-this was Nina, after all. She was full of fiery opinions and mutinous acts. Last winter, she'd scandalized her cla.s.sroom by taking off her shoes because the slave boy, who cleaned the slate boards, was barefooted. I'd lost count of the letters of apology Mother had ordered her to write. Rather than submit, she would sit before the blank paper for days until Mother relented. On her eleventh birthday, Nina had refused her human present with such vehemence, Mother had given up out of sheer weariness.

Even if I'd tried to prevent Nina's display at church that day, she would've pointed out that I, too, had spurned the Anglicans. Well, I had, but I'd done so to embrace the Presbyterians, whereas Nina would've spurned the Presbyterians, too, given half a chance. She hated them for what she called their "gall and wormwood."

If there was a wedge between my sister and me, it was religion.

Over the last several years, it seemed my entire life had been possessed of swings between asceticism and indulgence. I'd banished society in the aftermath of Burke Williams, yes, but I'd been a chronic backslider, succ.u.mbing every season to some party or ball, which had left me empty and sickened, which had then sent me crawling back to G.o.d. Nina had often found me on my knees, weeping as I prayed, begging forgiveness, engaged in one of my excruciating bouts of self-contempt. "Why must you be like this?" she would shout.

Why, indeed.

Mr. Williams had been shaken from the lap of Charleston like a soiled napkin. He was married now to his cousin, keeping shop in his uncle's dry goods store in Columbia. I'd put him behind me long ago, but I hadn't been able to make peace with living here in this house till the end of my days. I had Nina, but not for much longer. As charismatic and beautiful as she was, she would be wooed by a dozen men and leave me here with Mother. It was the ubiquitous truth at the center of everything, and it had driven me to my backsliding. But there could be no more of that-at twenty-six I would be too old for the coming season. It was truly over, and I felt lost and miserable, galled and wormwood-ed, and there was nothing to be done about it.

Here in the drawing room, Reverend Gadsden looked reluctant and uncomfortable. He kept pursing and unpursing his lips. Nina sat erect beside me, as if to say, All right, let the castigation begin, but under the cover of our skirts, she reached for my hand.

"I'm here today because your mother asked me to reason with you. You gave us all a shock yesterday. It's a grave thing to reject the church and her sacraments and salvation . . ."

He went on with his jabber, while Nina's hand sweated into mine.

She saw my private agonies, but I saw hers, too. There was a place inside of her where it had all broken. The screams she'd heard coming from the Work House still inhabited her, and she would wake some nights, shouting into the dark. She put up an invincible show, but underneath I knew her to be bruised and vulnerable. After Mother's scathing reprimands, she would vanish into her room for hours, emerging with her eyes bloodshot from weeping.

The reverend's kind but tedious speech had been floating in and out of my awareness. "I must point out," I heard him say, "that you are placing your soul in jeopardy."

Nina spoke for the first time. "Pardon me, Reverend Sir, but the threat of h.e.l.l will not move me."

Mother sank her eyes closed. "Oh, Angelina, for the love of G.o.d."

Nina had used the word h.e.l.l. Even I was a little shocked by it. The rector sat back with resignation. He was done.

Naturally, Mother was not. "Your father lies gravely ill. Surely you know it's his wish that you be confirmed into the church. It could well be his last wish. Would you deny him that?"

Nina squeezed my hand, struggling to hold on to herself.

". . . Should she deny her conscience or her father?" I said.

Mother drew back as if I'd slapped her. "Are you going to sit there and encourage your sister's disobedience?"

"I'm encouraging her to be true to her own scruples."

"Her scruples?" The skin at Mother's neck splotched like beetroot. She turned to the reverend. "As you see, Angelina is completely under Sarah's sway. What Sarah thinks, Angelina thinks. What Sarah scruples, she scruples. It's my own fault-I chose Sarah to be her G.o.dmother, and to this day, she leads the child astray."

"Mother!" Nina exclaimed. "I think for myself."

Mother s.h.i.+fted her calm, pitiless gaze from the reverend to Nina and uttered the question that would always lie between us. "Just so I'm not confused, when you said 'Mother' just now, were you referring to me, or to Sarah?"

The rector squirmed on the settee and reached for his hat, but Mother continued. "As I was saying, Reverend, I'm at a loss of how to undo the damage. As long as the two of them are under the same roof, there's small hope for Angelina."

As she escorted the reverend to the door, rain broke loose outside. I felt Nina slump slightly against me, and I pulled her to her feet and we slipped behind them up the stairs.

In my room, I turned back the bed sheet and Nina lay down. Her face seemed stark and strange against the linen pillow. Rain was darkening the window, and she stared at it with her eyes gleaming, her back rising and falling beneath my hand.

"Do you think Mother will send me away?" she asked.

"I won't allow it," I told her, though I had no idea how to stop such a thing if Mother took it in her head to banish my sister. A rebellious girl could easily be sent off to a boarding school or deported to our uncle's plantation in North Carolina.

Handful.

Didn't my Lord deliver Daniel?" Denmark Vesey shouted.

The whole church answered, "Now he's coming for me."

Must've been two hundred of us packed in there. I was sitting in the back, in the usual spot. Folks had started leaving it free for me, saying, "That's Handful's place." Four months I'd been sitting there and hadn't learned a thing about mauma, but I knew more than missus about the people G.o.d had delivered.

Abraham, Moses, Samson, Peter, Paul-Mr. Vesey went down the list, chanting their names. Everybody was on their feet, clapping, and waving in the air, shouting, "Now he's coming for me," and I was smack-dab in the middle of them, doing the little hopping dance I used to do in the alcove when I was a girl singing to the water.

Our reverend was a free black man named Morris Brown, and he said when we got worked up like this, it was the Holy Ghost that had got into us. Mr. Vesey, who was one of his four main helpers, said it wasn't the Holy Ghost, it was hope. Whatever it was, it could burn a hole in your chest.

The heat in the church was awful. While we shouted, sweat drenched our faces and clothes, and some of the men got up and opened all the windows. The fresh air flowed in and the shouting flowed out.

When Mr. Vesey ran out of people in the Bible for G.o.d to deliver, he went along the benches calling names.

Let my Lord deliver Rolla.

Let my Lord deliver Nancy.

Let my Lord deliver Ned.

If he called your name, you felt like it would fly straight to heaven and hit G.o.d between the eyes. Reverend Brown said, be careful, heaven would be whatever you picture it. His picture was Africa before the slaving-all the food and freedom you wanted and not a white person to blight it. If mauma was dead, she would have a big fine house somewhere and missus for her maid.

Mr. Vesey, though, he didn't like any kind of talk about heaven. He said that was the coward's way, pining for life in the hereafter, acting like this one didn't mean a thing. I had to side with him on that.

Even when I was singing and hopping like this, part of me stayed small and quiet, noticing everything he said and did. I was the bird watching the cat circle the tree. Mr. Vesey had white wooly nubs in his hair now, but beside that, he looked like before. Wore the same scowl, had the same knife blades in his eyes. His arms were still thick and his chest big as a rain barrel.

I hadn't mustered the nerve to talk to him. People feared Denmark Vesey. I'd started telling myself the joke was on me-maybe I'd come to the African church for the Lord, after all. What'd I think I could learn about mauma anyway?

n.o.body heard the horses outside. Mr. Vesey had a new chant going-Joshua fought the battle of Jericho, and the walls came tumbling down. Gullah Jack, his right-hand man, was beating a drum, and we were stomping the floor. Jericho. Jericho.

Then the doors busted open, and Gullah Jack's hands stopped pounding, and the song died away. We looked round, confused, while the City Guard spread along the walls and in the aisle, one at every window, four barring the door.

The head guard marched down front with a paper in one hand and a musket gun in the other. Denmark Vesey said with his booming voice, "What's the meaning of this? This is the house of the Lord, you have no business here."

The guard looked like he couldn't believe his luck. He took the b.u.t.t of the gun and rammed it in Mr. Vesey's face. A minute ago, he'd been shouting Jericho, and now he was on the floor with a s.h.i.+rt full of blood.

People started screaming. One of the guards fired into the rafters, sending wood crumbs and smoke swirling down. The inside of my ears pounded, and when the head man read the warrant, he sounded like he was at the bottom of a dry well. He said the neighbors round the church found us a nuisance. We were charged with disorderly conduct.

He stuffed the paper in his pocket. "You'll be removed to the Guard House and sentenced in the morning with due and proper punishment."

A sob drifted from a woman on the far side, and the place came alive with fear and murmuring. We knew about the Guard House-it was where they held the lawbreakers, black and white, till they figured out what to do with them. The whites ones stayed till their hearings, and the black ones till their owners paid the fine. You just prayed to G.o.d you didn't have a stingy master, cause if he refused to pay, you went to the Work House to work off the debt.

Outside, the moon looked weak in the sky. They gathered us in four herds and marched us down the street. A slave sang, Didn't my Lord deliver Daniel? and a guard told him to hush up. It was quiet from then on except for the clopping horses and a little baby tied on its mother's back that whimpered like a kitten. I craned my neck for Mr. Vesey, but he wasn't anywhere to see. Then I noticed the dark wet spatter-drops on the ground, and I knew he was on up ahead.

We spent the night on the floor in a room filled with jail cells, men and women crammed in together, all of us having to pee in the same bucket in the corner. One woman coughed half through the night and two men got in a shove-fight, but mostly we sat in the dark and stared with flat eyes and dozed in and out. One time, I came awake, hearing that same little baby mewing.