No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday Part 26

Lesson One: Never, ever ruin a woman's Christmas Suzie glanced up, her heart beating so loudly she was surprised they couldn't hear it. Drew was still totally wide-eyed; Gareth thankfully was looking vaguely interested whilst Alex was staring at her as if she was a complete lunatic.

She felt like she was having an out of body experience. As though she was watching someone else make a complete fool of herself a or maybe that was wishful thinking. She tried very hard to look in control and confident as she leant forward to pull the speaker phone from the middle of the table towards her.

"Now for a practical demonstration," she said pressing the redial b.u.t.ton and sensing the three men in the room looking at each other in confusion. The phone rang out filling the silence until someone could be heard picking it up.

"h.e.l.lo, Pauline speaking,' said a woman's voice.

"h.e.l.lo Mrs. Collingwood!" Suzie jumped in before Alex could express his astonishment that she was calling his mother in the middle of a team meeting. "It's Suzie here again and I've got Alex with me."

"Right dear. How is he?"

"Oh he's being very brave Mrs. Collingwood."

"Is he? That's good. I'm so glad you called me Suzie. I've been thinking about it all morning. I know it's very hard when you end a relations.h.i.+p but it's so kind of you to worry about how Alex is going to cope."

"With parents like you to help, Mrs. Collingwood I'm sure he'll pull through."

"Well we are always here for him, he knows that. Do you want to put him on and I'll ask him shall I?"

"Of course. Here he is." Suzie elbowed Alex in the ribs.

"What are you doing," he mouthed to her.

"Just say h.e.l.lo," she mouthed back.

"Er, hi mum," he said holding his hands up in utter confusion.

"Oh, Alex I'm so sorry it's not worked out with Suzie. When she called to tell me she'd ended it I could have cried for you, really I could. And she said you were taking it badly and that what you were most worried about was spending Christmas alone. Well young man you don't have to worry yourself about that anymore. Of course we'd love to have you here with us. It's been so long. And all your little nieces and nephews will love having their favourite Uncle Alex around for a change to play with them. I've already called your sisters and it's all set. A Collingwood family Christmas is just what you need to get yourself out of the doldrums."

Alex sat opening and closing his mouth.

"But Mum..." he finally managed to sputter out as he stared red-faced at Suzie. "I was going to..."

"No buts young man, you are spending Christmas in the bosom of your family and that's that. We'll sort you out son. Soon have you back to your chipper self. Now I've got to go as your Dad's taking me down to Sainsbury's to get the pick of the crackers. I'll call you later to see if you've had a good day. Chin up son. Bye."

The phone went dead and for a moment there was silence in the room. Suzie hadn't really thought forward to this point in the meeting. Her heart was still beating exceptionally fast but she could feel something else, sparked by the look of shock and dismay on Alex's face. Something that felt distinctly like triumph, joy even. What she really wanted to do was stand in Alex's face and let out a highly juvenile "Waaaaaaaaaah." She glanced at Drew. His eyebrows were still AWOL but he was nodding and smiling approvingly whilst casting the odd nervous glance at Gareth.

"Continue," barked Gareth suddenly breaking the silence as Alex continued to reel.

"What?" shrieked Alex. "But she's..." he started.

"Stop," said Gareth holding his hand up to Alex. "I said you could talk when it was your turn. Now I want to see the rest of what she's got. Carry on Suzie."

"Okay," she said. Not sacked yet, that had to be good. She pressed the b.u.t.ton to move onto the next slide.

Lesson Two: Never ever use a text to break bad news.

She reached down and picked up her mobile phone, pressed a few b.u.t.tons then put it back on the table, folded her arms and smiled straight at Alex. A few seconds later his phone bleeped causing him to leap up in his chair like it was a time bomb.

"Aren't you going to pick up your text then?" she asked.

"What, now?" he said.

"Now," she found herself bellowing.

She'd never seen him so wary of the device that was normally either glued to his ear or his fingers. He picked it up cautiously and clicked the b.u.t.tons necessary to open the text she'd sent him. He looked at her nervously before glancing down to read it. Less than a second later he'd dropped the phone on the floor as though it had burned him.

"You're insane," he screeched. "Tell her to stop," he shouted at Gareth.

Gareth said nothing, just raised his eyebrows questioningly at Suzie.

She bent forward to click onto the next slide.

*This is the text that Alex has just received," she explained to Gareth and Drew as three words appeared on the screen.

ONE WORD a BOBBIT.

That was when Drew lost it. A sound erupted from his mouth like a small explosion, coughing and spluttering mixed with hysterical laughter at the sight of Alex's ashen face. Gareth looked confused, glancing between the three of them in complete bewilderment. Suzie was quick to step in with an explanation.

"For those of us unaware of the plight of Lorena Bobbitt I shall elaborate." She changed the screen to show a newspaper clipping with the headline CRIMES BELOW THE BELT: PENILE REMOVAL AND CASTRATION. Gareth gasped as Suzie described the infamous Lorena Bobbitt of Virginia, USA, and her extreme reaction to her husband's misdemeanours back in 1993.

Taking Gareth's subsequent smirk as positive, Suzie decided to press on whilst she appeared to be getting away with it.

"And so finally lesson three," said Suzie clicking onto her last slide.

Lesson Three: s.e.x is a privilege and not a right Alex was by now speechless looking pleadingly at Gareth who had leant back in his chair as the smirk grew into a broad smile. Suzie walked around the table towards Alex who flinched as she brushed pa.s.sed to take an object from the shelf behind him, covered by her best Cath Kidston tea towel. She placed it in front of him before whipping the towel off to reveal a full knife block. Alex whimpered when Suzie removed a large carving knife with a flourish.

All three men were quiet now, a trace of fear flickering in their eyes. It felt as if the whole room were holding its breath until Suzie shrugged and put a rea.s.suring hand on Alex's shoulder, satisfyingly making him flinch again.

"Don't panic, I wouldn't use this on you," she said putting it back in the block.

Alex sagged in his chair, emotionally exhausted.

"I think this is more your size don't you?" She pulled out a small vegetable peeler, made sure everyone had seen it, then slammed it on the desk in front of him before calmly walking back to the front of the room and turning to face her audience.

"And that gentlemen, concludes my presentation," she said. "Any questions?"

A shocked silence hung in the room, no-one having been prepared for what had just taken place and therefore what should happen next.

It was Drew who stood up first. Big hearty man claps filled the room as he positively beamed at Suzie.

"Brilliant," he said. "Just brilliant."

And to her absolute shock, Gareth stood up too and joined in with the spontaneous applause.

"Not brilliant," Gareth said. "Genius. That's what that was. Absolute genius. Look at him. It's every wronged woman's dream to nail a man like that." Alex was still sitting in his chair as white as a sheet, staring at the knife. A bead of sweat had formed on his forehead. Gareth banged the table with both fists. "I love it," he cried. "It's different, it's controversial, it's funny. A revenge column. That's what we need." He sat down abruptly as he tried to catch up with his racing thoughts. "It's just so... so... what is it Drew?" he asked snapping his fingers in his direction.

"Tabloid?" offered Drew.

"Yes, that's it. Tabloid," he cried, getting up again and walking round the table to Suzie before taking her hands in his. "Please say you can you do that for other losers like you?" he asked.

Suzie, reeling from being called a genius and a loser in the same breath by her boss, felt she had stepped into a parallel universe. She had quite expected to be sacked by the end of the day.

"I can try," she managed to say.

"The male tortured ma.s.ses of Manchester will be forever in your debt," he said to her solemnly before turning and waving his finger at Alex.

"As for you," he said. "A list of potential advertisers by lunchtime. Get on the phone to Argos. See if they want to run a promo' on kitchen knives." He left a pause long enough for Alex to turn even whiter. "Just kidding," he added, thumping Alex on the back. "No knives," Gareth said to Suzie. "Lawyers wouldn't like it."

"Okay," she whispered wondering what on earth she had started.

"Excellent," replied Gareth looking at his watch. "Let's adjourn shall we, I need to make some calls. Back here in half an hour."

He swept out of the room leaving Drew beaming at Suzie. He walked towards her and put both hands on her shoulders.

"Brilliant," he said yet again before he turned and left her alone with Alex.

"Are you okay?" she couldn't help but ask. He looked so weak and pathetic, almost as if he was about to throw up. He dragged his eyes away from the knife and looked at Suzie in a way she had never seen him look at her before. She stared back trying to work out what it was until finally it dawned on her that he was looking at her with a sense of total and utter awe.

"Sorry will do," she said to break the silence.

"Sorry," he said biting his lip and nodding his head. "I am sorry."

She got up slowly and walked towards him. How good did it feel to see him lean back in his chair, the fear having returned to his face. She paused for a moment before squeezing his shoulder to feel him flinch one more time. A grin filled her face and she walked out of the room her head held high.

"One down, three to go," she muttered.

end.