Unfinished Hero - Raid Part 33

"Because I trusted you then. I don't trust you now."

One of his arms s.h.i.+fted up, his hand curling around the side of neck and he whispered, his voice thick, "Listen to me."

With a mighty heave, I tore from his arms. I whirled, lifted a hand and shoved him in the chest, all the while shouting, "You need to go!"

His hand caught my raised one and held it firm.

"Baby, listen to me."

I ripped my hand from his and took two quick steps back.

"No. I was wrong. I thought I could withstand the heat, but I can't. I wanted to go slow. You pushed us to go fast and I didn't have enough good times stored up. Your smiles, your laughter, there wasn't enough to take the heat. You're a criminal, Raid, and I accepted that. This, I can't accept. I don't know what hideous thing happened to you over there except I know it was hideous. But there weren't enough good times when you were the Raiden I know you are to beat back the Raiden that f.u.c.ked up s.h.i.+t that happened to you forces you to be that gives me the times I need to endure the inferno within. You lose control of that and I'm close, it doesn't just consume you. It consumes me."

"I don't want you to know what happened in that h.e.l.lhole, Hanna," he returned.

"You think that hasn't escaped me?" I shot back. "The subject barely comes up before you shut it down, but Raid, if you think I don't feel the squeeze of the elephant always in the room, you clearly think I'm a bigger idiot than I actually am."

"You feel that squeeze, babe, and you can still breathe. If you actually knew, you wouldn't be able to live with that s.h.i.+t. You wouldn't be able to sleep. Your mind would go over it and over it, and since you weren't there, you'd make s.h.i.+t up that would torture you, but I promise you, none of it would be as bad as it actually was."

"I believe you," I retorted. "What you don't understand since you won't let me talk about it is that I'd rather live with that torture, the pain of which I would eventually be able to control, than let you hold onto that pain without even a little release so you can learn to live with it."

He went silent but the air in the room got heavy.

I ignored that and declared, "You need to leave."

"Hanna-"

"Leave!" I shrieked, losing it, hands straight down at my sides in fists.

Then I was going backwards, tripping over my feet, and I would have gone down if Raiden's arm wasn't around my waist.

Then I couldn't go down because my back was flat to the wall and Raiden's front was pressed to me.

Not this again.

I couldn't help it. It freaked me out when he did this so I started panting.

"You know why we do that s.h.i.+t?" he asked.

I didn't answer. I didn't even know what s.h.i.+t he was referring to, but that wasn't the only reason I didn't answer. I didn't answer because he was scaring the pants off me.

He didn't need me to answer.

He kept going.

"It's not for G.o.d, babe. And it's not for country."

My chest pressed repeatedly against his with each breath.

Raiden went on.

"It's for pretty girls with tanned legs that go up to her G.o.dd.a.m.ned throat who ride asinine bikes and who'll drop to their hands and knees, crawl to you and take your c.o.c.k, moaning against it, making you so f.u.c.kin' crazy you think your d.i.c.k's gonna explode in her mouth."

Oh G.o.d.

"Raid-"

"You might think that's jacked, but it's not. It's the G.o.dd.a.m.ned f.u.c.kin' truth. Whether you got that in your bed before you go or hope to find it when you get back, that's why you do it. You do it for her. You do it to keep her safe. You planted kids inside her, or you hope to; you do it for them. You get home in one piece, she's your reward." His body pressed into mine and his face, partly shadowed, came to within an inch of mine. "You're my reward, Hanna."

My reward.

Oh.

My.

G.o.d.

Raiden wasn't done.

"I didn't know it. When I was over there doin' what I had to do, I didn't have any f.u.c.kin' clue. I didn't know until I saw you laughin' with Paul Moyer. Jumpin' up and down with Bodhi, all excited about s.h.i.+ny ribbons on your G.o.dd.a.m.ned bike. So into me you could barely talk when you ran into me. Sittin' outside on your G.o.dd.a.m.ned f.u.c.kin' porch swing of all f.u.c.kin' things, lookin' right out of a f.u.c.kin' movie. So cute. Christ, no joke, it hurts even to look at you and believe you're real. So f.u.c.kin' sweet, I remembered there's a G.o.d and He actually likes me. You go over there, far f.u.c.kin' away, you see s.h.i.+t, you do s.h.i.+t, you get through it knowin' that's home. That girl in the porch swing, knittin' a G.o.dd.a.m.ned afghan and drinkin' wine, carefree because you sweat and bleed so that's what she can be."

Listening to his words, the tears didn't bite the backs of my eyes.

They spilled over in streams.

"Sweetheart-" I whispered brokenly.

"And you know what gets me?" he asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "What gets me now is the guys who bled out in the sand and they didn't have that. They died never understanding. They died not gettin' even a taste of their reward. They thought they were protecting home and country, but they didn't even know what home was. I feel for the women who lost their men in that sand, Hanna, it guts me. But their men died havin' that. Knowin' why they died. Knowin' exactly what home means and knowin' it's worth it. Those guys who didn't have it, they died without a f.u.c.kin' clue. And every day since I clapped eyes on you, finally understanding, it f.u.c.kin' destroys me."

His words destroying me, I wrapped my hands around the sides of his neck and held on. "Raid, sweetheart, please-"

He talked right over me.

"So I'm not leavin', Hanna. I was a d.i.c.k and I hurt you and I cannot promise it won't happen again, so I won't. And you are not wrong. This s.h.i.+t burns in me, what happened, what I saw, what I did. But most of all who I lost. Every one of those guys deserves to have their reward sittin' in a porch swing or however that s.h.i.+t comes about. When I say those men were good men, there isn't a word in the f.u.c.kin' dictionary that describes how good those men were. And there are only four of us left who know exactly what that means. They died and I'm here and I found my reward and I'm not letting it go. Because if they were alive and they knew I let something that important slip through my fingers, they'd be p.i.s.sed at me. And if they can sacrifice everything so you can have your porch swing and I can come home and have everything they lost, you can f.u.c.kin' learn how to take the heat and give it to me."

"Okay," I agreed immediately.

I agreed so immediately, Raiden's, "Come again?" was clipped and short with surprise.

"Okay, honey. I'll learn how to take the heat."

The room went completely still. Everything suspended. It felt like time stopped.

Then I gasped, as unexpectedly, I wasn't against the wall anymore.

Raiden chanting, "Jesus, f.u.c.k, Jesus, f.u.c.k," he had an arm around me and I was sailing across the room. I landed on my back on the kitchen table with Raiden bent over me.

His hands started to move on me, his mouth came to my neck and I wrapped him in my arms, turned my head and invited in his ear, "Take what you need."

At my words, his body stilled. Then abruptly he stood up, taking me with him so I was seated on the edge of the table, Raiden standing between my spread legs. With a hand cupping the back of my head, he pressed my cheek to chest, his other arm around me. His body bowed so it formed a hard, strong s.h.i.+eld around me, protecting me from nothing, but, Raiden being Raiden, instinctively still protecting me.

I kept my arms around him, pressed deep and held tight.

"Jesus, f.u.c.k," he murmured.

I was silent.

Raiden fell silent too.

I gave it time.

Raid took it.

Then I asked gently, "You never talked about that with anybody, have you?"

"No."

He only gave that to me.

I shut my eyes and held on tighter.

I said no more and gave it more time.

Raiden took it.

I opened my eyes and promised him, "Like the rest, that gift is just for me and I'm never going to share it with anybody."

"Jesus, f.u.c.k," he whispered.

I again went silent, but I held him closer.

It was Raid that broke it this time.

"That *okay' you gave me, does that mean you're still with me?"

"Yes, honey."

I heard him draw in a deep breath.

Then he stated, "Right, then I need you to promise me something."

"Okay," I replied.

He pulled away, cupped my jaw in both hands and tipped my head back so he could catch my eyes in the dim light.

"I give you s.h.i.+t, you do not eat it. Like today, you give it back to me. We'll work it out, Hanna, but we'll do it like we did it tonight. Not you getting where my head is at and bowin' to that in hopes you takin' my s.h.i.+t eventually turns something in me. Today, I stepped far over the line and that is not cool. After I calmed my a.s.s down, I spent the last two hours standing on your porch, thinkin' if I put a little more strength in that throw you wouldn't have landed on the bed, and the thoughts of what I could have done to you have been brutalizing me. That, babe, I promise I'll check. The other s.h.i.+t, if it overwhelms me and I try to force it down your throat, you force it right back."

"Agreed," I replied.

He dug the pads of his fingers in slightly before they relaxed.

"Okay," he murmured.

I lifted my hands to wrap them around his wrists and took a deep breath.

Then I cautiously said, "Honey, I hesitate to mention this, but I think today proves you've got some issues to work through."

Both his hands slid back into my hair. He stuffed my face in chest and burst out laughing.

I found this reaction both a relief and a little weird, but even so, as usual I wanted to watch him laugh, but couldn't because it was dark and my face was smushed to his chest. He didn't stop laughing before he let me go, but bent at the waist, put a shoulder in my belly and hefted me up.

This action was more than a little weird and a surprise, so much so I straight up girlie shrieked, "Raid!"

He turned and walked out of the kitchen, ordering, "Quiet, babe, I got some issues to work through."

Oh boy.

I knew what that meant.

"Um... maybe we should find alternate outlets to battle that burn," I suggested to his back, my hands gripping his tee at his sides.

I became perplexed when he didn't head up the stairs, but unlocked and opened the front door and strode out to the porch. He turned right as he swung me around. He was still holding me, but we were front to front and I frantically grabbed hold of his shoulders so I wouldn't go flying when his hands slid down and yanked my knees up at his sides.

Then he sat in the porch swing with me astride him and tipped his head back to look at me.

"Think, my girl f.u.c.ks me in her porch swing, that'll beat back the heat."

"Raid-"

"Or at least that heat. She'll be building a better kind of fire."

I needed to get a handle on this situation.

Therefore, I slid my hands up to his neck and dipped my face closer. "Sweetheart, I like this idea but I'm being serious."

"Baby, bein' seriously serious, you are the only thing in four years that has come close to getting me to a place where I can even begin to think I might be able to bear those flames."

Automatically my hands s.h.i.+fted to his face, palms to his cheeks, fingers wrapped around his ears and my forehead dropped to his as my eyes closed.

"I want to be that for you," I whispered.

I was both alarmed and pleased that each one of those seven words was weighted with precisely just how much I wanted what I said.

"Good, honey, *cause you already are."

Oh G.o.d.

I loved that.