Question Quest Part 26

"Two things. First, I knew that you had to appear very soon, if you were going to, so any arrival was suspect. Second, you used a term only a member of the Adult Conspiracy can use. You said the word 'h.e.l.l.' "

"But this is h.e.l.l," Jot protested.

"Its waiting room, anyway," t.i.ttle added.

"That doesn't matter. Only an adult can use the term. Therefore it was obvious that you were not a child, or children. Not of our culture, anyway, and since you are speaking the human language, you must be pretending to be human."

"I shall be more careful, next time," Jot said.

"Well, out with it," t.i.ttle added. "What do you want?"

"I want to free my wife from h.e.l.l," Humfrey said. "The woman I love. She does not belong there and must be released."

"You have a wife who is not in h.e.l.l," Jot pointed out.

"And you can only have one wife," t.i.ttle reminded him.

"I shall have to choose between them," Humfrey said. "If Prince Dolph was able to choose between his two loves, I can do the same. But first things first: release my wife."

"I have to listen to your plea," Jot stated.

"But I don't have to do your bidding," t.i.ttle finished.

"But you do have to deal with me," Humfrey said. "You have to satisfy me that you have given my plea fair consideration."

"Why do I have to do that?" Jot asked.

"Yes, who says I have to?" t.i.ttle added.

"You said it," Humfrey said. "You laid down the rules of your game, and this is a footnote to those rules."

Jot sighed. "I said too much."

"You've done your homework," t.i.ttle said.

"Well, I am the Magician of Information, and I have had some intercourse with demons. I have a notion of their nature."

"You can't say a word like that to a child!" Jot cried.

"You have violated the Adult Conspiracy!" t.i.ttle added.

Lacuna kept her mouth shut, but found that she was rather enjoying this dialogue. She knew that the business at hand was deadly serious, but the children were little darlings, even if they weren't what they seemed.

"There are no children here," Humfrey reminded them. "Only facsimiles. Anyway, that demoness was my wife."

The twins considered. "I will make you a deal," Jot said.

"Yes, a fair deal," t.i.ttle said.

"But if it is not fair, I don't have to make it," Humfrey said sternly.

"I will complete your Question Quest," Jot said.

"I will ask you the one Question you can't answer," t.i.ttle added.

"There is no honest Question I can't answer."

"If you answer it correctly, you will win," Jot said.

"And if you don't, you will lose," t.i.ttle said.

"But it must be a fair Question," Humfrey said.

"It's an easy Question," Jot said.

"Anybody could answer it," t.i.ttle agreed.

Lacuna knew that it would be nothing of the sort; Humfrey had explained that at the beginning. How did he plan to handle it?

"Let me be the judge of that," Humfrey said. "Tell me what the Question will be, should I choose to answer it."

Lacuna knew that trick wouldn't work. The Demon would require him to agree to answer it before he gave the actual Question. But she was surprised.

Jot said, "It will be this-"

"What is the color of Mela Merwoman's panties?" t.i.ttle asked.

"Objection," Humfrey said. "If you ask me that one, I will be unable to answer it because she doesn't wear any panties. So that is a Question with no Answer, and therefore unfair."

"But she will wear panties," Jot argued.

"When she makes legs to walk on Xanth," t.i.ttle continued.

"Why would she ever walk on land?" Humfrey demanded. "She prefers to swim in water."

"In search of a husband," Jot said.

"In the next volume of the History of Xanth," t.i.ttle finished.

Humfrey nodded, as if persuaded. "So you will ask me to name the color, when she does don them."

"Yes," Jot said.

"When," t.i.ttle agreed.

"And the correctness of my Answer will determine whether my wife is released from h.e.l.l."

"Right."

"True."

Lacuna knew that Humfrey knew that the Demon would see that Mela chose panties of a different color than Humfrey predicted. So how could he possibly win?

"That seems fair," Humfrey said after a bit. "But it would be tedious to have to wait for her before recovering my wife. It will be a year before she walks on land."

What was he doing? How could he agree to the fairness of a manifestly unfair Question?

"You will just have to wait," Jot said.

"Not that it makes any difference," t.i.ttle added.

Humfrey arched a wrinkled eyebrow. "I was not speaking only of me. I was speaking of you. It will be tedious for you to have to keep this matter in your mind for that year, when it would be preferable to dispose of it immediately."

"I have demonic patience," Jot said.

"I can wait forever," t.i.ttle agreed.

"Unless there is a s.h.i.+ft in the fortunes of your game, and you are called away from Xanth in the interim," Humfrey said. "Then you would not be able to attend the panting."

Lacuna was perplexed, then realized that he meant the donning of the merwoman's panties. Which meant the Demon could not dictate their color, and Humfrey would win. Of course in that event the magic would be gone from Xanth, because of the absence of the Demon, changing everything. But the Demon still would have lost, which would probably gripe him somewhat.

"You have a point," Jot said.

"But only one point," t.i.ttle said.

"I should think you would prefer to avoid both the inconvenience of keeping the matter in mind and the chance of missing the event," Humfrey said. "Considering that there is an easy way to accomplish that avoidance."

"What?" Jot said, caught by surprise.

"How?" t.i.ttle asked.

"By plea-bargaining," Humfrey said. "It is obvious that if I answer the Question, we shall both have to wait a year before verifying its validity, to mutual inconvenience and annoyance, despite knowing the outcome.

But if we compromise now, we can each get part of our desire without further nuisance. We can skip the Question and Answer."

"You are beginning to make sense," Jot said.

"For a human being," t.i.ttle amended.

He was? Lacuna could not quite see how. But she was neither a Magician nor a Demon.

"Let me reside in h.e.l.l for a month," Humfrey said. "Then let Rose out for a month. The average attendance will be the same. Naturally I would rather have Rose out without penalty, and you would rather keep her in, but this may be a feasible alternative."

"No, you're too smart to live in h.e.l.l," Jot said.

"You would get the denizens all worked up," t.i.ttle agreed.

"But who else would be willing to fill in, in h.e.l.l?" Humfrey asked. "It has to be me."

"There is another."

"Yes, another."

"Who?"

"The Gorgon," Jot said.

"Your other wife," t.i.ttle clarified.

"But I wouldn't ask her to do such a thing!" Humfrey protested.

"But I would," Jot said.

"Yes, I would," t.i.ttle agreed.

The two of them gestured with their four little hands. Suddenly the Gorgon stood in the chamber, regal in a black dress and veil. "Humfrey!" she exclaimed. "Are you finished here yet?"

"I am plea-bargaining with the Demon X(A/N)th," he said, "to mitigate the sentence on Rose. I have offered to spend time in h.e.l.l equivalent to the time she is released from h.e.l.l, but-"

The Gorgon's veiled eyes narrowed. "So you can spend time with her both in and out of h.e.l.l?" she asked. "Neither of you much noticing where you are?"

"Yes, that's it," Jot said.

"He's a cunning one," t.i.ttle said.

The Gorgon's veiled gaze focused on them. "Children?"

"They are the present form of the Demon," Lacuna explained.

The Gorgon refocused on Humfrey. "Well, I'll have none of this. I'll visit h.e.l.l instead."

Humfrey looked surprised, but Lacuna was catching on to his ways. He had antic.i.p.ated this, too, and was maneuvering both the Gorgon and the Demon into agreement with his compromise. "I would not ask you to-"

The Gorgon looked at the children. "If I resided in h.e.l.l, would I be allowed to pursue my career in dream pictures?''

"If the Night Stallion asked for you," Jot said.

"h.e.l.l is a bad dream, after all," t.i.ttle agreed.

"But-" Humfrey said.

"Then I'll do it," the Gorgon said.

"I agree," Jot said.

"She can sub for you," t.i.ttle agreed.

Humfrey looked amazed. "If that is the way you feel-"