Twilight Saga - Breaking Dawn Part 20

She wiped something wet from my cheek. "Shh."

"What's the deal, Bella?" I stared at the pale carpet. My bare feet were dirty, leaving smudges. Good. "I thought the whole point was that you wanted your vampire more than anything. And now you're just giving him up? That doesn't make any sense. Since when are you desperate to be a mom? If you wanted that so much, why did you marry a vampire?"

I was dangerously close to that offer he wanted me to make. I could see the words taking me that way, but I couldn't change their direction.

She sighed. "It's not like that. I didn't really care about having a baby. I didn't even think about it. It's not just having a baby. It's... well... this baby."

"It's a killer, Bella. Look at yourself."

"He's not. It's me. I'm just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I can-"

"Aw, come on! Shut up, Bella. You can spout this c.r.a.p to your bloodsucker, but you're not fooling me. You know you're not going to make it."She glared at me. "I do not know that. I'm worried about it, sure."

"Worried about it," I repeated through my teeth.

She gasped then and clutched at her stomach. My fury vanished like a light switch being turned off.

"I'm fine," she panted. "It's nothing."

But I didn't hear; her hands had pulled her sweats.h.i.+rt to the side, and I stared, horrified, at the skin it exposed. Her stomach looked like it was stained with big splotches of purple-black ink.

She saw my stare, and she yanked the fabric back in place.

"He's strong, that's all," she said defensively.

The ink spots were bruises.

I almost gagged, and I understood what he'd said, about watching it hurt her. Suddenly, I felt a little crazy myself.

"Bella," I said.

She heard the change in my voice. She looked up, still breathing heavy, her eyes confused.

"Bella, don't do this."

"Jake-"

"Listen to me. Don't get your back up yet. Okay? Just listen. What if... ?"

"What if what?"

"What if this wasn't a one-shot deal? What if it wasn't all or nothing? What if you just listened to Carlisle like a good girl, and kept yourself alive?"

"I won't-"

"I'm not done yet. So you stay alive. Then you can start over. This didn't work out. Try again."

She frowned. She raised one hand and touched the place where my eyebrows were mas.h.i.+ng together. Her fingers smoothed my forehead for a moment while she tried to make sense of it.

"I don't understand.... What do you mean, try again? You can't think Edward would let me... ? And what difference would it make? I'm sure any baby-""Yes," I snapped. "Any kid of his would be the same."

Her tired face just got more confused. "What?"

But I couldn't say any more. There was no point. I would never be able to save her from herself. I'd never been able to do that.

Then she blinked, and I could see she got it.

"Oh. Ugh. Please, Jacob. You think I should kill my baby and replace it with some generic subst.i.tute? Artificial insemination?" She was mad now. "Why would I want to have some stranger's baby? I suppose it just doesn't make a difference? Any baby will do?"

"I didn't mean that," I muttered. "Not a stranger."

She leaned forward. "Then what are you saying?"

"Nothing. I'm saying nothing. Same as ever."

"Where did that come from?"

"Forget it, Bella."

She frowned, suspicious. "Did he tell you to say that?"

I hesitated, surprised that she'd made that leap so quick. "No."

"He did, didn't he?"

"No, really. He didn't say anything about artificial whatever."

Her face softened then, and she sank back against the pillows, looking exhausted. She stared off to the side when she spoke, not talking to me at all. "He would do anything for me. And I'm hurting him so much.... But what is he thinking? That I would trade this"-her hand traced across her belly-"for some stranger's ..." She mumbled the last part, and then her voice trailed off. Her eyes were wet.

"You don't have to hurt him," I whispered. It burned like poison in my mouth to beg for him, but I knew this angle was probably my best bet for keeping her alive. Still a thousand-to-one odds. "You could make him happy again, Bella. And I really think he's losing it. Honestly, I do."

She didn't seem to be listening; her hand made small circles on her battered stomach while she chewed on her lip. It was quiet for a long time. I wondered if the Cullens were very far away. Were they listening to my pathetic attempts to reason with her?

"Not a stranger?" she murmured to herself. I flinched. "What exactly did Edward say to you?" she asked in a low voice."Nothing. He just thought you might listen to me."

"Not that. About trying again."

Her eyes locked on mine, and I could see that I'd already given too much away.

"Nothing."

Her mouth fell open a little. "Wow."

It was silent for a few heartbeats. I looked down at my feet again, unable to meet her stare.

"He really would do anything, wouldn't he?" she whispered.

"I told you he was going crazy. Literally, Bells."

"I'm surprised you didn't tell on him right away. Get him in trouble."

When I looked up, she was grinning.

"Thought about it." I tried to grin back, but I could feel the smile mangle on my face.

She knew what I was offering, and she wasn't going to think twice about it. I'd known that she wouldn't. But it still stung.

"There isn't much you wouldn't do for me, either, is there?" she whispered. "I really don't know why you bother. I don't deserve either of you."

"It makes no difference, though, does it?"

"Not this time." She sighed. "I wish I could explain it to you right so that you would understand. I can't hurt him"-she pointed to her stomach-"any more than I could pick up a gun and shoot you. I love him."

"Why do you always have to love the wrong things, Bella?"

"I don't think I do."

I cleared the lump out of my throat so that I could make my voice hard like I wanted it.

"Trust me."

I started to get to my feet.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm not doing any good here."

She held out her thin hand, pleading. "Don't go."I could feel the addiction sucking at me, trying to keep me near her.

"I don't belong here. I've got to get back."

"Why did you come today?" she asked, still reaching limply.

"Just to see if you were really alive. I didn't believe you were sick like Charlie said."

I couldn't tell from her face whether she bought that or not.

"Will you come back again? Before ..."

"I'm not going to hang around and watch you die, Bella."

She flinched. "You're right, you're right. You should go."

I headed for the door.

"Bye," she whispered behind me. "Love you, Jake."

I almost went back. I almost turned around and fell down on my knees and started begging again. But I knew that I had to quit Bella, quit her cold turkey, before she killed me, like she was going to kill him.

"Sure, sure," I mumbled on my way out.

I didn't see any of the vampires. I ignored my bike, standing all alone in the middle of the meadow. It wasn't fast enough for me now. My dad would be freaked out-Sam, too. What would the pack make of the fact that they hadn't heard me phase? Would they think the Cullens got me before I'd had the chance? I stripped down, not caring who might be watching, and started running. I blurred into wolf mid-stride.

They were waiting. Of course they were.

Jacob, Jake, eight voices chorused in relief.

Come home now, the Alpha voice ordered. Sam was furious.

I felt Paul fade out, and I knew Billy and Rachel were waiting to hear what had happened to me. Paul was too anxious to give them the good news that I wasn't vampire chow to listen to the whole story.

I didn't have to tell the pack I was on my way-they could see the forest blurring past me as I sprinted for home. I didn't have to tell them that I was half-past crazy, either.

The sickness in my head was obvious.

They saw all the horror-Bella's mottled stomach; her raspy voice: he' s strong, that' s all; the burning man in Edward's face: watching her sicken and waste away... seeing it hurting her; Rosalie crouched over Bella's limp body: Bella' s life means nothing to her -and for once, no one had anything to say. Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.

I was halfway home before anyone recovered. Then they all started running to meet me.

It was almost dark-the clouds covered the sunset completely. I risked darting across the freeway and made it without being seen.

We met up about ten miles out of La Push, in a clearing left by the loggers. It was out of the way, wedged between two spurs of the mountain, where no one would see us. Paul found them when I did, so the pack was complete.

The babble in my head was total chaos. Everyone shouting at once.

Sam's hackles were sticking straight up, and he was growling in an unbroken stream as he paced back and forth around the top of the ring. Paul and Jared moved like shadows behind him, their ears flat against the sides of their head. The whole circle was agitated, on their feet and snarling in low bursts.

At first their anger was undefined, and I thought I was in for it. I was too messed up to care about that. They could do whatever they wanted to me for circ.u.mventing orders.

And then the unfocused confusion of thoughts began to move together.

How can this be? What does it mean? What will it be?

Not safe. Not right. Dangerous.

Unnatural. Monstrous. An abomination.

We can' t allow it.

The pack was pacing in synchronization now, thinking in synchronization, all but myself and one other. I sat beside whichever brother it was, too dazed to look over with either my eyes or my mind and see who was next to me, while the pack circled around us.

The treaty does not cover this.

This puts everyone in danger .

I tried to understand the spiraling voices, tried to follow the curling pathway the thoughts made to see where they were leading, but it wasn't making sense. The pictures in the center of their thoughts were my pictures-the very worst of them. Bella's bruises, Edward's face as he burned.