Twilight Saga - Breaking Dawn Part 46

I felt in control. Perhaps my sense of security was false, but I did feel pretty good about not killing anyone today. If I could resist totally human strangers, wouldn't I be able to handle the werewolf and a half-vampire child that I loved?

"I want to see Renesmee," I said. Now that my thirst was tamed (if nothing close to erased), my earlier worries were hard to forget. I wanted to reconcile the stranger who was my daughter with the creature I'd loved three days ago. It was so odd, so wrong not to have her inside me still. Abruptly, I felt empty and uneasy.

He held out his hand to me. I took it, and his skin felt warmer than before. His cheek was faintly flushed, the shadows under his eyes all but vanished.

I was unable to resist stroking his face again. And again.

I sort of forgot that I was waiting for a response to my request as I stared into his s.h.i.+mmering gold eyes.

It was almost as hard as it had been to turn away from the scent of human blood, but I somehow kept the need to be careful firmly in my head as I stretched up on my toes and wrapped my arms around him. Gently.

He was not so hesitant in his movements; his arms locked around my waist and pulled me tight against his body. His lips crushed down on mine, but they felt soft. My lips no longer shaped themselves around his; they held their own.

Like before, it was as if the touch of his skin, his lips, his hands, was sinking right through my smooth, hard skin and into my new bones. To the very core of my body. I hadn't imagined that I could love him more than I had.

My old mind hadn't been capable of holding this much love. My old heart had not been strong enough to bear it.

Maybe this was the part of me that I'd brought forward to be intensified in my new life.

Like Carlisle's compa.s.sion and Esme's devotion. I would probably never be able to do anything interesting or special like Edward, Alice, and Jasper could do. Maybe I would just love Edward more than anyone in the history of the world had ever loved anyone else.

I could live with that.

I remembered parts of this-twisting my fingers in his hair, tracing the planes of his chest-but other parts were so new. He was new. It was an entirely different experience with Edward kissing me so fearlessly, so forcefully. I responded to his intensity, and then suddenly we were falling."Oops," I said, and he laughed underneath me. "I didn't mean to tackle you like that.

Are you okay?"

He stroked my face. "Slightly better than okay." And then a perplexed expression crossed his face. "Renesmee?" he asked uncertainly, trying to ascertain what I wanted most in this moment. A very difficult question to answer, because I wanted so many things at the same time.

I could tell that he wasn't exactly averse to procrastinating our return trip, and it was hard to think about much besides his skin on mine-there really wasn't that much left of the dress. But my memory of Renesmee, before and after her birth, was becoming more and more dreamlike to me. More unlikely. All my memories of her were human memories; an aura of artificiality clung to them. Nothing seemed real that I hadn't seen with these eyes, touched with these hands.

Every minute, the reality of that little stranger slipped further away.

"Renesmee," I agreed, rueful, and I whipped back up onto my feet, pulling him with me.

22. PROMISED.

Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.

"Tell me about her," I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us.

"She's like nothing else in the world," he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.

I felt a sharp pang of jealousy over this stranger. He knew her and I did not. It wasn't fair.

"How much is she like you? How much like me? Or like I was, anyway."

"It seems a fairly even divide."

"She was warm-blooded," I remembered.

"Yes. She has a heartbeat, though it runs a little bit faster than a human's. Her temperature is a little bit hotter than usual, too. She sleeps."

"Really?"

"Quite well for a newborn. The only parents in the world who don't need sleep, and our child already sleeps through the night." He chuckled.

I liked the way he said our child. The words made her more real."She has exactly your color eyes-so that didn't get lost, after all." He smiled at me.

"They're so beautiful."

"And the vampire parts?" I asked.

"Her skin seems about as impenetrable as ours. Not that anyone would dream of testing that."

I blinked at him, a little shocked.

"Of course no one would," he a.s.sured me again. "Her diet... well, she prefers to drink blood. Carlisle continues to try to persuade her to drink some baby formula, too, but she doesn't have much patience with it. Can't say that I blame her-nasty-smelling stuff, even for human food."

I gaped openly at him now. He made it sound like they were having conversations.

"Persuade her?"

"She's intelligent, shockingly so, and progressing at an immense pace. Though she doesn't speak-yet-she communicates quite effectively."

"Doesn't. Speak. Yet."

He slowed our pace further, letting me absorb this.

"What do you mean, she communicates effectively?" I demanded.

"I think it will be easier for you to... see for yourself. It's rather difficult to describe."

I considered that. I knew there was a lot that I needed to see for myself before it would be real. I wasn't sure how much more I was ready for, so I changed the subject.

"Why is Jacob still here?" I asked. "How can he stand it? Why should he?" My ringing voice trembled a little. "Why should he have to suffer more?"

"Jacob isn't suffering," he said in a strange new tone. "Though I might be willing to change his condition," Edward added through his teeth.

"Edward!" I hissed, yanking him to a stop (and feeling a little thrill of smugness that I was able to do it). "How can you say that? Jacob has given up everything to protect us!

What I've put him through-!" I cringed at the dim memory of shame and guilt. It seemed odd now that I had needed him so much then. That sense of absence without him near had vanished; it must have been a human weakness.

"You'll see exactly how I can say that," Edward muttered. "I promised him that I would let him explain, but I doubt you'll see it much differently than I do. Of course, I'm often wrong about your thoughts, aren't I?" He pursed his lips and eyed me.

"Explain what?"Edward shook his head. "I promised. Though I don't know if I really owe him anything at all anymore..." His teeth ground together.

"Edward, I don't understand." Frustration and indignation took over my head.

He stroked my cheek and then smiled gently when my face smoothed out in response, desire momentarily overruling annoyance. "It's harder than you make it look, I know. I remember."

"I don't like feeling confused."

"I know. And so let's get you home, so that you can see it all for yourself." His eyes ran over the remains of my dress as he spoke of going home, and he frowned. "Hmm."

After a half second of thought, he unb.u.t.toned his white s.h.i.+rt and held it out for me to put my arms through.

"That bad?"

He grinned.

I slipped my arms into his sleeves and then b.u.t.toned it swiftly over my ragged bodice.

Of course, that left him without a s.h.i.+rt, and it was impossible not to find that distracting.

"I'll race you," I said, and then cautioned, "no throwing the game this time!"

He dropped my hand and grinned. "On your mark ..."

Finding my way to my new home was simpler than walking down Charlie's street to my old one. Our scent left a clear and easy trail to follow, even running as fast as I could.

Edward had me beat till we hit the river. I took a chance and made my leap early, trying to use my extra strength to win.

"Ha!" I exulted when I heard my feet touch the gra.s.s first.

Listening for his landing, I heard something I did not expect. Something loud and much too close. A thudding heart.

Edward was beside me in the same second, his hands clamped down hard on the tops of my arms.

"Don't breathe," he cautioned me urgently.

I tried not to panic as I froze mid-breath. My eyes were the only things that moved, wheeling instinctively to find the source of the sound.

Jacob stood at the line where the forest touched the Cullens' lawn, his arms folded across his body, his jaw clenched tight. Invisible in the woods behind him, I heard now two larger hearts, and the faint crush of bracken under huge, pacing paws."Carefully, Jacob," Edward said. A snarl from the forest echoed the concern in his voice.

"Maybe this isn't the best way-"

"You think it would be better to let her near the baby first?" Jacob interrupted. "It's safer to see how Bella does with me. I heal fast."

This was a test? To see if I could not kill Jacob before I tried to not kill Renesmee? I felt sick in the strangest way-it had nothing to do with my stomach, only my mind. Was this Edward's idea?

I glanced at his face anxiously; Edward seemed to deliberate for a moment, and then his expression twisted from concern into something else. He shrugged, and there was an undercurrent of hostility in his voice when he said, "It's your neck, I guess."

The growl from the forest was furious this time; Leah, I had no doubt.

What was with Edward? After all that we'd been through, shouldn't he have been able to feel some kindness for my best friend? I'd thought-maybe foolishly-that Edward was sort of Jacob's friend now, too. I must have misread them.

But what was Jacob doing? Why would he offer himself as a test to protect Renesmee?

It didn't make any sense to me. Even if our friends.h.i.+p had survived...

And as my eyes met Jacob's now, I thought that maybe it had. He still looked like my best friend. But he wasn't the one who had changed. What did I look like to him?

Then he smiled his familiar smile, the smile of a kindred spirit, and I was sure our friends.h.i.+p was intact. It was just like before, when we were hanging out in his homemade garage, just two friends killing time. Easy and normal. Again, I noticed that the strange need I'd felt for him before I'd changed was completely gone. He was just my friend, the way it was supposed to be.

It still made no sense what he was doing now, though. Was he really so selfless that he would try to protect me-with his own life-from doing something in an uncontrolled split second that I would regret in agony forever? That went way beyond simply tolerating what I had become, or miraculously managing to stay my friend. Jacob was one of the best people I knew, but this seemed like too much to accept from anyone.

His grin widened, and he shuddered slightly. "I gotta say it, Bells. You're a freak show."

I grinned back, falling easily into the old pattern. This was a side of him I understood.

Edward growled. "Watch yourself, mongrel."

The wind blew from behind me and I quickly filled my lungs with the safe air so I could speak. "No, he's right. The eyes are really something, aren't they?"

"Super-creepy. But it's not as bad as I thought it would be.""Gee-thanks for the amazing compliment!"

He rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. You still look like you-sort of. Maybe it's not the look so much as... you are Bella. I didn't think it would feel like you were still here." He smiled at me again without a trace of bitterness or resentment anywhere in his face. Then he chuckled and said, "Anyway, I guess I'll get used to the eyes soon enough."

"You will?" I asked, confused. It was wonderful that we were still friends, but it wasn't like we'd be spending much time together.

The strangest look crossed his face, erasing the smile. It was almost... guilty? Then his eyes s.h.i.+fted to Edward.

"Thanks," he said. "I didn't know if you'd be able to keep it from her, promise or not.

Usually, you just give her everything she wants."

"Maybe I'm hoping she'll get irritated and rip your head off," Edward suggested.

Jacob snorted.

"What's going on? Are you two keeping secrets from me?" I demanded, incredulous.

"I'll explain later," Jacob said self-consciously-like he didn't really plan on it. Then he changed the subject. "First, let's get this show on the road." His grin was a challenge now as he started slowly forward.

There was a whine of protest behind him, and then Leah's gray body slid out of the trees behind him. The taller, sandy-colored Seth was right behind her.

"Cool it, guys," Jacob said. "Stay out of this."

I was glad they didn't listen to him but only followed after him a little more slowly.

The wind was still now; it wouldn't blow his scent away from me.

He got close enough that I could feel the heat of his body in the air between us. My throat burned in response.