Shame. Part 3

'I'm so glad I was the one who became your girl pigeon.'

And at that moment neither of them in their wildest dreams could imagine that the Monika who was just about to leave would never ever come back.

4.

It took four days before she managed to gather her thoughts enough to begin to formulate an answer. The nights were filled with restless dreams, all taking place near large bodies of water. Enormous shapes hovered beneath the water's surface like black clouds, and although she stood on land she perceived them as threatening, as if they could still get at her. She was thin again and could move unhindered, but something else had prevented her from moving. It had something to do with her legs. Several times she awoke just as a giant wave came rolling in towards her and she realised that she wouldn't be able to escape it.

The big pillow behind her back was wet with sweat. She wished she could lie down properly. For just one night, to be able to lie down and sleep like a normal person. That possibility no longer existed. If she lay down she would be suffocated by her own weight.

It had been so many years since she had written a letter. She got one of the little people to buy her some stationery on the first day, but then she hid it in the top drawer of the desk. The letter she had to answer was in there too, smoothed out after having been crumpled up, and every time she pa.s.sed the desk her eyes were drawn to the elegant bra.s.s fittings.

In the past few days some more fragments of memories had surfaced from the depths. Brief images in which Vanja was present. Vanja laughing on a blue bicycle. Vanja deeply engrossed in a book. She had distinctly seen her dark-brown ponytail, always tied back with a red elastic band. And then a vague image of the woodshed back home, whatever that had to do with the whole thing. Small shards that refused to fall into place. Small objective fragments utterly devoid of emotional content.

She had emptied the refrigerator. She had eaten everything. On three occasions the urge had been so strong that she had to call the pizza delivery. The menu said half an hour, but just like all the other idiots they were never on time.

To think that something that was empty could hurt so much.

The letter was still occupying her thoughts. Most of all she would have liked to tear it up and throw it away, but it was too late. She had read the words and they had become etched inside her and were now impossible to ignore. And, worst of all, her anger was starting to subside and suddenly leave room for something else. An obscure feeling of dread.

Alone.

That feeling hadn't bothered her in a very, very long time.

The nights were the worst.

She tried to convince herself that she didn't have anything to be afraid of. Vanja was locked up and couldn't reach her; if another letter showed up she could toss it away unread. She mustn't let herself be lured into the trap again.

But no amount of clever words helped. And she realised that it really wasn't Vanja who scared her. It was something else.

On this morning she had got up early, before it was even light. She never dared get into the shower when there was a risk that the little people might catch her unawares. It was so hard to dry off properly between all the rolls of fat, and she knew how the eczema on her back must look. The itching told the tale. If they saw it they would sound the alarm, and never in her life would she permit anyone to rub lotion on her. She owned two dresses that she always wore. Ankle-length tents with holes at the top. She had had them made fifteen years ago, and she didn't want to think about the fact that one of them would soon be too small.

After Saba had had her morning walk on the lawn and the balcony door was locked, Maj-Britt went to the kitchen and sat down at the table. She looked at the clock. It should be three or four hours before anyone showed up, but what did she know? They came and went pretty much as they liked. But, to be honest, she was eagerly awaiting them today. Her empty stomach was screaming to be filled. And despite the reproachful glances she had ordered extra provisions.

Hi, Vanja.

She really had no desire at all to say hi to her, but how else did you start off a letter? And how did you refute implied insults without revealing how upsetting they were? She wanted to sound cool and unperturbed, show that she was above all the embarra.s.sing things that a confused inmate thought she was ent.i.tled to write.

As you guessed, I was surprised by your letter, to say the least. It took a while before I remembered who you were. As you said, some years have pa.s.sed since you were. As you said, some years have pa.s.sed since we last saw each other. Both my family and I are we last saw each other. Both my family and I are doing fine. Goran is working as a department head doing fine. Goran is working as a department head in a big company that makes appliances and I work in a big company that makes appliances and I work in the banking industry. We have two children who in the banking industry. We have two children who are both studying abroad now. I am quite content are both studying abroad now. I am quite content with my life and have only happy memories of my with my life and have only happy memories of my childhood. Mother and Father pa.s.sed away many childhood. Mother and Father pa.s.sed away many years ago, and I miss them terribly. That's why we no years ago, and I miss them terribly. That's why we no longer drive up there very often, but prefer to take longer drive up there very often, but prefer to take our holidays abroad. So I haven't talked to anyone our holidays abroad. So I haven't talked to anyone and know nothing about you or your fate. But I understand and know nothing about you or your fate. But I understand from your address that you wound up in trouble from your address that you wound up in trouble.Tonight Goran and I are going to the theatre, so I will have to close now.Best wishes, Maj-Britt Pettersson She read over what she had written. Exhausted from the effort, she decided that it would have to do. Now she just wanted to get it out of the flat and mailed so that she could put the whole thing behind her.

It had irked her to write his name.

The home help arrived at one o'clock today; a new one, someone she had never seen before. Another one of those young girls, but at least she was Swedish. The kind who went about dressed in suggestive sweaters with the bra straps showing. And then they were surprised that rape was on the increase. When young girls dressed like wh.o.r.es, what were the boys supposed to think?

'Hi, my name is Ellinor.'

Maj-Britt looked with distaste at her outstretched hand. Never in her life would she dream of shaking it.

'I don't suppose you've been informed of the routine in this household?'

'What do you mean?'

'I hope at least you took along the correct shopping list when you went to the store.'

'Yes, I think so.'

The intruder kept smiling, and this irritated Maj-Britt even more. She took off a worn denim jacket decorated with small colourful plastic b.u.t.tons with slogans printed on them; they gave the garment an even more slovenly appearance, if that were possible.

'Shall I put the stuff in the fridge or do you want to do it yourself?'

Maj-Britt scrutinised her from head to toe.

'Just put the bags on the kitchen table.'

She always put away the food herself, but she could no longer lift the heavy bags. She liked to know where all the food was stored. In case she was in a hurry.

When she was left alone in the hall she took a look at the small plastic b.u.t.tons. With her thumb and forefinger she gingerly pulled out the jacket and snorted as she examined them. DON'T KEEP SILENT! STOP THE TORTURE. FEMINIST d.a.m.n RIGHT! IF I AM ONLY FOR MYSELF WHAT AM I DON'T KEEP SILENT! STOP THE TORTURE. FEMINIST d.a.m.n RIGHT! IF I AM ONLY FOR MYSELF WHAT AM I? A candle wrapped in barbed wire with the legend rights for all. A mult.i.tude of small self-righteous messages about this and that, as if she had taken on the responsibility of changing the world all by herself. Oh well, it would pa.s.s when she got a little older and understood the way things worked.

She heard the little person go into the bathroom and fill a bucket with water.

It took about half an hour for her to finish. Maj-Britt stood by the balcony door and waited for Saba to come in. Outside in the playground stood a father pus.h.i.+ng his child on a swing. The child, who couldn't be much more than a year old, whooped with laughter each time the swing changed direction and fell back towards the father's outstretched arms. She had often seen them there. Sometimes the mother came along too, but she seemed to suffer from some kind of pain, because sometimes the man had to help her up after she had been sitting on the park bench. Saba stayed near the balcony and never paid any attention to the people she met outside. And Maj-Britt would send the home helps out to pick up the dog s.h.i.+t; she didn't want any complaints from the neighbours about letting Saba out alone.

She opened the balcony door to let Saba in. At the same moment a window opened on the second floor across from her, and the mother of the kid in the swing stuck her head out.

'Mattias, there's someone on the phone asking if you want a ride to the course you're taking. Something about car-pooling.'

That was all Maj-Britt heard, because now Saba was back inside and there was no reason to keep the door open. She pulled it shut. When she turned round, Ellinor was standing in the room.

'I can take her out for a while if you like. I did the cleaning so fast that I have time for a short walk.'

'Why should you do that? She's just been outside.'

'But I thought she might want to go for a longer walk. It might be good for her to get some exercise.'

Maj-Britt smiled to herself. This was a bolder move than most of them made, but there would still be some way to get rid of her.

'Why do you think she needs that?'

'A little exercise is always a good thing.'

'For what?'

Maj-Britt could see her gaze waver. She was suddenly searching for a better choice of words, and that was certainly needed. The objective was to make her opt for no words at all.

Maj-Britt didn't take her eyes off her.

'What do you think would happen if someone didn't get any exercise?'

Now she was finally speechless.

'Maybe you think someone might get fat, if they didn't exercise?'

'It was just a suggestion. I'm really sorry.'

'So what you're saying is that it would be dangerous to get fat. Am I right?'

So. This one shouldn't be any problem in future.

Ellinor had already opened the front door when Maj-Britt handed her the letter.

'Could you post this for me?'

'Of course.'

Her eyes scanned the address with curiosity just as Maj-Britt had foreseen.

'I didn't ask you to deliver it in person. Just stick it in a post-box.'

Ellinor put the letter in her handbag.

'It was nice meeting you. I'm the one coming next time too, so we'll be seeing each other again.'

When she received no reply, she closed the door behind her. Maj-Britt looked at Saba and sighed.

'We can hardly wait, can we?'

It turned out as she had antic.i.p.ated, only easier. As soon as the letter was out of the flat, the walls managed to regain something of their old ability: to provide a boundary between herself and everything out there she didn't want to deal with. She felt safe again.

She had two days to be happy. Then Ellinor was back again, and Maj-Britt understood right away that she hadn't managed to shut her up as properly as she had intended. The girl wasn't in the flat more than a few minutes before her torrent of words caused another deep rift.

'Say, is it okay if I ask you a question? I know you don't like to talk to any of us who come here, but ...'

She had both asked the question and answered it herself. Why should Maj-Britt have to join in her conversations? She caught Saba's eye, and they were in agreement. They had to see about getting this person replaced.

'That letter that I posted ...'

She didn't even have to finish her sentence before Maj-Britt wanted with all her heart to get her out of the flat so that she could open the refrigerator undisturbed and select what she was going to stuff in her mouth.

'Was it the the Vanja Tyren?' Vanja Tyren?'

Maj-Britt was trapped again. Once more her long since forgotten 'best friend' was trying to force her into something against her will. She didn't intend to permit it. She didn't intend to reply. But it was no use. When Ellinor didn't get an answer she just kept going on her own, and the words she said made the cracks grow to huge holes exposing her to the hostile outside world.

'The Vanja Tyren who killed her entire family?'

5.

Leaders.h.i.+p tools and methods that produce results.

She had agreed several months earlier to take the course, a long time before Thomas had come into her life. At a time when any of the infrequent breaks in her monotonous daily life had been more than welcome. Back then she had looked forward to the trip.

Now everything was different. Now she didn't know how she was going to make it through the four days.

A pharmaceutical company had offered to pay her course fee. Not for a moment had they managed to convince her that they were worried about her leaders.h.i.+p skills or ability as a boss to motivate her staff. Perhaps they were worried about her ability to motivate her staff to select their company's brand of medicine when they were writing prescriptions, but both sides partic.i.p.ated in the game. It wasn't the first time that a pharmaceutical company had shown some of the clinic's doctors a little extra appreciation. Nor would it be the last.

She didn't consider herself a particularly good boss, but as far as she knew the staff in her department were satisfied. Her poor leaders.h.i.+p qualities seldom had any effect on them; on the contrary, she was the one who usually took on the most extra work. Delegating tedious tasks had always gone against the grain; it was easier to do them herself and avoid resentment. She always felt a need to compensate in some way if she asked them to do something, keep them in a good mood. But actually it was more about ensuring continued goodwill towards herself. So that n.o.body would think badly of her.

In her role as a physician she had more self-confidence. If she hadn't been regarded as highly skilled and goal-oriented, she never would have been offered the job four years ago. The clinic was under private management with a foundation as the primary shareholder, and to be offered a position as head surgeon was a clear endors.e.m.e.nt. There were nine departments in the building, and she was the head of General Surgery. Even so, her leaders.h.i.+p skills could definitely use some work, and in her former life, the one before she met Thomas, she would have thrown herself into the a.s.signment wholeheartedly. Now it no longer felt so important. Thomas thought she was fine the way she was, despite all her shortcomings. Right now she just wanted to enjoy that feeling.

Except that there was one shortcoming she hadn't revealed yet.

The nastiest, lowest of them all.

She stood at the bus station and waited. Thomas had given her a lift there, and despite the fact that they had been urged to keep their phones turned off during the four-day workshop, she had promised to call him every night. Now she was sorry she hadn't taken her own car. A woman she didn't know had called and offered her a ride, saying she had got Monika's name and number from course management. And why not? At least that's what she thought when the matter first came up. Now she wished she could have the time to herself, that she could sit all by herself and enjoy the giddy feeling she was experiencing. Everything was suddenly transformed into a sense of warm, exhilarating antic.i.p.ation. Things were perfect, she didn't need anything else. If this was what they called happiness, then she suddenly understood all human striving for it.