Candle In The Darkness Part 37

As soon as Caroline entered the kitchen, little Isaac gently nudged her sorrow aside, running to her with arms outstretched, as overjoyed to see her today as he was every day. She lifted him in her arms to kiss his soft cheeks, accepting his own wet kiss in return. He was a beautiful child, with Tessie's almond-shaped eyes, Josiah's ebony skin, and Eli's broad smile.

"Merry Christmas, Isaac," Caroline said, caressing his dark, woolly head. "You don't even know what that means, do you?"

"Oh yes, he does," Tessie said. "Don't you know his granddaddy been telling him all about baby Jesus in the manger, and the angels singing, and the shepherds coming? That boy gonna have the whole Bible memorized before he has a mouthful of teeth."

"It might be Christmas," Esther said with a sigh, "but we sure ain't having much of a Christmas dinner this year. We eating the same old thing we eat every day-dried peas, salt pork, and these here potatoes."

Eli walked into the kitchen with a few sticks of firewood just then and heard Esther's complaint. "You know what the Bible says about eating poor?" he asked. "Says it's better to eat a stale old piece of bread in a kitchen full of love than a great big feast in a mansion where everybody arguing all the time."

"Well, we certainly got plenty of love around here," Esther said, "but that's about all we got."

"Something smells good," Caroline said, sniffing the air. "What's baking in the cast-iron oven?"

"Oh, that's just some sweet potatoes I'm fixing with sorghum and spices and such. Thought it might taste a little bit like sweet potato pie . . . without the crust, since there ain't much flour."

Against her will, Caroline thought of Charles and his family again. Their flour mills had been at a near standstill ever since the wheat harvests in the Shenandoah Valley had been lost to the enemy. Tessie heard through the slave grapevine that Mr. St. John had hired Josiah out to labor in the mines somewhere to earn extra money. Tessie hadn't seen her husband since the night he'd brought Charles to the hospital. Yet in all the years that Tessie had spent apart from Josiah, Caroline had never heard her complain or seen her shed tears. She longed to ask Tessie what the secret was to forgetting. How much time had to pa.s.s before she would stop thinking of the man she loved every hour of every day, wondering where he was, what he was doing?

When their simple meal was on the table, ready to eat, Eli climbed up to the loft to wake Gilbert, who had been allowed to sleep late. The two men took turns staying awake all night, guarding Caroline's property-and especially their meager supplies of food and firewood. Starving souls roamed the besieged city at night, stealing from anyone who had a little more than they did.

When everyone was seated around the table, Eli spoke the blessing. "Lord, I thank you for this food, and I ask you to bless those sorry folks who don't even have this much. I thank you that Ma.s.sa Lincoln won the election up north, cause he promise to set all us colored folks free. I thank you for sending your Son on this happy day and for loving us so much you adopt us into your family. Thank you, Ma.s.sa Jesus. Amen."

Caroline looked around at her servants and silently thanked G.o.d that they had adopted her into their family. Her own mother and father may have both chosen to leave her, but Tessie and Eli had stayed, even when it meant giving up their chance at freedom. She remembered her conversation with Eli a long time ago about Rahab the spy, who had betrayed her city, but who later became part of Christ's family. Maybe Eli was right; maybe G.o.d did give something in return for what was lost.

"I'm thinking this war is just about over," Eli said as they ate. "Ain't that right, Missy?"

"Yes," she replied, "anyone who's realistic and has read about all the defeats we've suffered lately knows that it's nearly over. And that the South has lost."

According to the papers, General Sherman had just made good on his promise to deliver the city of Savannah to President Lincoln for a Christmas gift. But news of the desolation Sherman had left in his wake made Caroline disgusted with the Yankees. As much as she longed to see the slaves emanc.i.p.ated, she hated that it had cost such a staggering price.

"Now that our freedom is almost here," Eli continued, "we have to start thinking about the future-what we all gonna do once we free. And most important, what job G.o.d asking us to do for Him. I think we should go round the table and let each person say what they dreaming about. Then we know how to pray for each other in the New Year."

Heads nodded in agreement as Eli looked around the table at everyone. Caroline had never told any of her servants that her punishment for spying was going to be exile. If the war didn't end before spring, before the next prisoner exchange, she would very likely be banished from her home in Richmond and sent north. But as she listened to her servants' dreams for the future, she decided not to spoil the day by telling them what awaited her.

"All right then," Eli said. "Guess I'll go first . . . When I'm a free man I want to start a church where I can preach about the love of Ma.s.sa Jesus. I believe He wants me to help all the colored folk learn how to serve their new Ma.s.sa." He turned to Esther, seated beside him.

"Now, Eli," she said with a frown. "You know the Lord ain't giving me no fancy plans like yours."

"That don't matter," he said. "G.o.d needs people to do all kind of things, big and small. Just tell us what's on your heart."

"Well . . . I want to be able to cook again, to have me some food in this kitchen so I can feed the people I love. I want to have my son, Josiah, home. And I want to watch this little grandbaby of mine grow up into a man. That's all."

"Those are fine things to wish for," Eli said. "How about you, Gilbert?"

He stared down at his plate for so long that Caroline didn't think this normally quiet man was going to share his thoughts with the others. When he finally did, he surprised her.

"I'm praying that your daddy comes back, Missy Caroline. And that when he does . . . well, I'd like to get a job working on one of his s.h.i.+ps. I ain't never seen the ocean before. I'd like to sail down to one of them islands where the sugarcane grows. I hear they got some pretty colored women living down there, and I'd like to find me a wife."

Luella was next. She spoke without ever looking up at anyone, blus.h.i.+ng the entire time. "I promised Gus that I would marry him when we free. Gus use to drive for Missy Sally before he run off. He gonna find us a place to live and come back for me."

Caroline winced at this reminder of Sally and Charles-and at her own ignorance of her servants' lives. During all those years that the St. Johns had visited her home, Caroline had never guessed that their driver and Luella were falling in love.

"Gus a good man," Eli said. "He'll keep his word. . . . Tell us what you wis.h.i.+ng for, Ruby."

She shook her head. "Can't recall ever wis.h.i.+ng for anything, Eli. I took care of your mama, Missy Caroline, now I taking care you. I'd like to take care your babies and grandbabies if you let me."

Caroline fought back tears. "I'd like that, too, Ruby," she said. But she had no hope of ever loving another man besides Charles. Nor could she envision a future with children of her own for Ruby to care for.

Tessie spoke next. "I'm praying that my boy Grady come home," she began.

"How old that boy be now?" Esther asked.

"Almost twenty. I still think of him as my boy, but he a man already. And, of course, I want Josiah to come home, too. I just want us all to live together for once in our lives-me and Josiah and Grady and Isaac. And to never have to be apart again. Missy Caroline, you my child, too, so I hoping Ruby will let me share some of your babies and grandbabies."

"Sure can," Ruby said. "Every child in the world need two grandmas."

Caroline smiled, even though she didn't dare to share her servants' dreams. She remembered a night in Philadelphia, long ago, when her cousin Julia had hugged her pillow in the dark, pretending it was her husband. Caroline had tried it but found that the pillow had no face, that there was no one she could imagine marrying. Years later, that was still true. When she tried to picture Charles' face, she saw it as she'd seen it last, his eyes filled with anger and the pain of her betrayal.

After a moment, Caroline noticed that the kitchen had gone quiet. She looked up. "How about you, honey?" Tessie asked her.

"I wish that the war would end," Caroline said, her voice hoa.r.s.e.

"Amen. But how about after that?" Eli asked gently.

Caroline brushed away a tear. She had prayed that Charles would live, and G.o.d had answered. In her deepest heart, all she wanted was for Charles to forgive her, to love her as he once had. But that wasn't going to happen. A year ago she had begun to let go of that dream when she gave her wedding dress to Sally. No other dream had taken its place.

"I pray that my father comes home safely," she finally said. "And my cousin Jonathan, too . . . I really haven't thought much beyond that."

"All right," Eli said. "Let's all pray . . . Ma.s.sa Jesus, you see our dreams and know our hearts. You hold our futures in your hand. We can pray 'Thy will be done' with joy in our hearts because there's hope in that prayer-hope that because you love us, your will is the very best thing for us. Take our dreams and your dreams for us, Lord, and make them one and the same. In Ma.s.sa Jesus' name, amen."

As Eli prayed, Caroline felt G.o.d drawing near to her, just as He had a year ago in Sally's bedroom. She realized that she still clung to Charles in her heart, hoping that he'd take her back-just as she'd clung to her wedding dress and trousseau long after the planned date had come and gone. Once again, Caroline opened her heart and her hands to G.o.d, surrendering her love for Charles to His will. By the time Eli said "amen," Caroline felt at peace- even though the terrible pain of losing Charles still filled her heart.

"And now we got a little surprise for you, honey," Tessie said.

Caroline opened her eyes and looked up. All of her servants were watching her. Tessie handed the baby to Eli and went over to the fireplace to fetch his Bible from the mantel. "We all been working on this surprise for a long time," she said, searching for a bookmark as she talked, "but we saved it for a special day, like Christmas. We got something we want to show you." She handed the open Bible to Ruby.

" 'O give thanks unto the Lord, for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever,' " Ruby read, p.r.o.nouncing each word slowly, carefully. " 'Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of enemy; And gathered them out of the lands, from the east, and from the west, from the north, and from the south.' "

Ruby pa.s.sed the book to Luella, and she began to read: " 'They wandered in the wilderness in a solitary way; they found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.' "

Gilbert took the Bible next. " 'Then they cried unto the Lord in their trouble,' " he read, " 'and he delivered them out of their distresses. And he led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city of habitation.' "

Gilbert gave the book to Esther. " 'Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.' "

Caroline could barely speak. Her servants could read! "How. . . ?"

"You such a good teacher," Tessie said, "all I did was tell them everything you tell me. You the one who really taught them."

"She's right," Eli said. "You planted the seeds and G.o.d been making them grow, even if you ain't seeing it."

"You should be a teacher after the war," Tessie said. "Lot of colored folks gonna need one."

"You like your surprise, Missy Caroline?" Gilbert asked shyly.

"Yes," she said through her tears. "It's the most wonderful gift anyone ever gave me."

"Oh no, honey," Tessie said, hugging her. "You're the one who gave the gift to us."

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Spring 1865 Caroline closed the newspaper and folded it carefully, resisting the urge to crumple it up and toss it into the kitchen fireplace. The paper on which it was printed was of such poor quality that if she didn't handle it carefully there would be nothing left of it for the others to read. But Tessie, sensitive to her moods, noticed her frustration.

"Guess it ain't good news you're reading this morning?"

"No. It's the worst. The peace negotiations at Fortress Monroe have ended in failure. President Lincoln demanded unconditional surrender, and of course, the Confederates refused. They're still insisting on 'the preservation of their inst.i.tutions'-meaning slavery."

"Lord have mercy!" Esther said. "Don't them Rebels know it ain't doing them no good to fight for slavery if all us slaves starve to death first?"

"The other big news," Caroline continued, "is that the Confederate Congress is considering a law to conscript slaves."

"You mean, make them fight in the army? For the South?" Tessie asked in amazement.

"Yes. The paper says that General Lee has been begging for such a law for a long time because he needs men so badly. Thousands of his troops have gone home on furlough and have never come back. He can't possibly defeat General Grant this spring unless he gets more men."

Tessie shook her head in amazement. "So they gonna put slaves in uniforms and give them guns? Ain't they afraid we gonna turn the guns around on them?"

"I guess not. It shows how determined the South is to keep fighting-and how desperate they are." Caroline remembered how shocked and outraged the South had been when they'd first encountered Negro soldiers who were fighting for the Federals. Now that they'd seen how well the Negroes could fight, they were about to draft them into the Confederate army, too.

"They ain't gonna take Eli and Gilbert, are they?" Ruby asked.

Caroline shook her head. "They can't draft anyone without his owner's consent. And I'll certainly never give it."

"Maybe they both be better off in the army," Esther muttered as she mixed up a skimpy batch of corn bread. "Maybe they finally get a decent meal if they soldiers."

"No, I don't think the soldiers are eating any better than we are," Caroline said. "One entire page of the newspaper was a notice from the Commissary General along with a plea from General Lee, begging people to turn over any extra food supplies they have to the army so they can feed the starving soldiers."

Esther huffed. "Like we got anything extra to hand over!"

When it was time for the noon meal, Eli arrived home. Caroline had sent him downtown that morning, and she was eager to hear any sc.r.a.ps of news he had picked up through the servants' grapevine. Since she had been confined to her home all these months, the grapevine had become her only source of news about Charles and his family.

"I saw a whole bunch of Rebel troops pa.s.sing through the city this morning," Eli said after he'd blessed the food. "They heading south. I tell you, if it wasn't for all them white faces, I'd swear I'm seeing a gang of slaves going by on the way to the cotton fields. They so sorry-looking, all in rags, shoes falling off their feet, heads hanging down . . . and the horses nothing but skin and bones."

"Did you talk to any of the St. Johns' servants?" Caroline 398 asked.

Eli lowered his head, concentrating on his plate of food as if he hadn't heard. That could only mean one thing-he had bad news that he was unwilling to share. Caroline laid down her fork.

"Tell me, Eli. Please. Don't you understand that not knowing is worse torture for me than hearing the truth?"

When he still didn't reply, Esther said, "Tell her. That gal ain't gonna eat a bite of food unless you do."

Eli sighed. "Ma.s.sa Charles has gone on back in the army to fight."

Caroline closed her eyes. For a moment the room went utterly still. Even little Isaac seemed to sense everyone's shock and didn't make a sound.

"Has Charles fully recovered from his wounds, then?" Caroline asked when she finally opened her eyes. She had to stare at Eli for a long time before he replied.

"His shoulder still stiff, and he limping some, but he determine to fight. He arguing with his daddy 'cause his daddy want Ma.s.sa Charles to stay home-but Mr. St. John too sick to stop him. That's all I know, Missy. That's the truth."

Caroline excused herself and fled to her room. It was all for nothing, It was all for nothing, she thought. In a few weeks it would be spring, and the war would resume, and this time she had nothing left to offer G.o.d in return for Charles' life. She had bargained away her future with him so that Charles would live. But now he was going back to the trenches outside Petersburg again, where he might very well be killed. The Rebels would surely lose this war, and then her sacrifice- and Charles' life-would both have been spent in vain. she thought. In a few weeks it would be spring, and the war would resume, and this time she had nothing left to offer G.o.d in return for Charles' life. She had bargained away her future with him so that Charles would live. But now he was going back to the trenches outside Petersburg again, where he might very well be killed. The Rebels would surely lose this war, and then her sacrifice- and Charles' life-would both have been spent in vain.

She stood gazing out of her bedroom window, s.h.i.+vering in her unheated room, when she heard a voice behind her. "Missy Caroline . . ." She turned, astonished to see Eli standing in her doorway. Except for the night Robert had escaped, he had never dared to come into the big house unbidden, much less come upstairs to her room. It showed Caroline, more dramatically than anything else could, just how much her world had changed.

"Missy, I know you ain't gonna like hearing this . . . but you got to put Ma.s.sa Charles in G.o.d's hands and trust Him, no matter what."

"Why did he have to go back to fight?" she cried. "I gave G.o.d the only thing I had left-my future with Charles-so that He would allow him to live. But my sacrifice will all be for nothing if Charles goes back there again and gets killed."

Eli frowned as he took a few hesitant steps into the room. "You telling me you try and make some kinda bargain with G.o.d?"

"Yes. That's why He answered my prayers and allowed Charles to live."

"No, Missy . . . no," he said, shaking his head. "That ain't the way G.o.d does things. You can't barter and haggle with Him like He's a vendor down in the farmers' market. He let Ma.s.sa Charles live 'cause He have a purpose in him living, not 'cause you give Him something for it. You really want a G.o.d like that? Someone you can control and order all around-whoever gives G.o.d the most gets what they want? That the way you want Him to run the world?"

She thought of all the people, North and South, kneeling in their churches, praying for two opposing favors from G.o.d. "No . . ."

"Then let Him run things the way He knows best, according to His will. Trust Him, Missy. Trust that everything you done for Him and everything you gave up for Him has a purpose. G.o.d will give it all meaning in the end. When this war is finally over, things are gonna be the way He wants them to be-in Ma.s.sa Charles' life, in my life, and in your life, too."

---- The fighting began in earnest at the end of March. Word quickly spread all over town that a battle was raging at Fort Stedman, outside of Petersburg. For the first time since the war began, Caroline couldn't go to the Enquirer Enquirer office to listen for news or to look for Charles' name on the casualty lists. All of her slaves could read, but she didn't dare send any of them to read the lists and risk discovery. She could only live in an agony of uncertainty, praying for Charles' safety, waiting for the lists to be printed in the newspapers. office to listen for news or to look for Charles' name on the casualty lists. All of her slaves could read, but she didn't dare send any of them to read the lists and risk discovery. She could only live in an agony of uncertainty, praying for Charles' safety, waiting for the lists to be printed in the newspapers.

There was another battle at Five Forks on April 1. The Yankees drove the Confederates from their defenses southwest of Petersburg, taking the Southside Railroad, strangling Richmond's last remaining supply line.

"No one talking about licking the Yankees anymore," Eli reported from his trip downtown that afternoon. "They talking about leaving town any way they can."

"It's almost over," Caroline murmured. "Seems like we've waited so long for this day to come, and now that it's finally here . . . I'm scared, Eli. What on earth is going to happen to us? People have always predicted that the Yankees would run wild through the city once they captured it, raping and murdering . . ."

"Now, you know Gilbert and me ain't gonna let no Yankees come near this house. We got your daddy's pistols, and we certainly ain't afraid to use them if we have to." But Caroline was finding it harder and harder to sleep at night.

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On the following morning, Sunday, April 2, the sun dawned so warm and bright that Caroline could almost believe that the Yankees were camped nine hundred miles from Richmond instead of a mere nine. Nothing disturbed the Sunday calm except the tolling of church bells as Eli went downtown to try to find out the latest news. When he finally returned home, a little before two o'clock, he made everyone gather around the table in the kitchen, even though dinner wasn't quite ready.

"Word's all over town that Lee's army is in trouble. The Yankees broke through our defenses in three places and things are falling apart fast 'cause he ain't got enough men to fight the Yankees off. General Lee send a message to President Davis while he sitting in church this morning, saying that he and everybody else better get on out of Richmond."

"Are you certain that it isn't just a rumor?" Caroline asked. "Because they've said the city was in trouble before, and the warnings were always false alarms."

"No, this time I think the Yankees really are coming. Ain't nothing to stop them if Lee retreats with his men. And that's what he's fixing to do."

"What should we do?" she asked the people she loved, gathered all around her.

"Best thing is to pray," Eli said, "and ask G.o.d what He thinks."