Carolina Days: Yesterday's Half Truths Part 20

"I'll send it back."

"Luke," she sighs.

Being this close to sleep has me saying things I shouldn't. "You sound so s.e.xy when you say my name."

She gasps.

"I know I shouldn't tell you that, but it's the truth."

"Why shouldn't you tell me?"

"I don't want to scare you off," I admit.

"Oh."

"I don't."

"I guess I do scare easily."

I laugh but it ends up sounding more like a cough. "Tell me about it."

"Hey."

"I wouldn't change one thing about you."

She gulps. "Even my weight?"

Sitting up, I shake my head to clear the wisps of sleep threatening to pull me away. She needs to know how I feel about this, and understand it.

"Your health and happiness are all I care about. The number on the scale isn't what matters to me. You know I'm attracted to you; that I've been attracted to you for a while now."

"You say that-"

I cut her off. "h.e.l.l, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

It kills me that she has body issues, makes me sick that there's this concept of a perceived body shape. The images from magazines only perpetuate it, and it's probably all Photo shopped bulls.h.i.+t. If we weren't bombarded with this c.r.a.p everywhere we turn, I think people would be happier with themselves.

She still hasn't replied. "Lindsay?"

"Uh huh," she mumbles.

"You know I wouldn't say it unless I meant it, right?"

"Yes," she concedes.

Lying back down, I stifle another yawn.

"You should go to sleep."

"I'm awake. Tell me about your day."

"It was boring. I'll put you to sleep."

"I'd like that, to fall sleep, with your voice being the last thing I hear."

"Really?"

"Yep. Talk me to sleep, Lindsay."

And she does.

Once Luke falls asleep, I sit and listen to him breathe. Wanting my voice to be the last thing he heard before he fell asleep is overwhelmingly sweet. I can picture him, his handsome face relaxed as he sleeps, his phone tucked under his ear.

He calls me every night now so he can hear my voice before he falls asleep.

He's too good for me but likes me anyway.

He's been gone for over two weeks and I miss him.

I haven't gone for a walk since he's been gone.

He makes me brave.

In ten days, he'll be on a flight home.

He likes me, and I'm not sure if my knowing that will mean he'll be different when he's home. I don't know what it will mean for us. He mentioned a date. The idea of going out to a restaurant petrifies me. As long as he's near, I'll probably be okay; but what if I have to go to the bathroom or something?

When he calls tonight, I'm going to find out more about this date. He can't be planning to take me to a place where there'll be people around. The idea of getting in his car is scary enough on its own.

Since his declaration, we've had one failed web session training. The moment he came on my TV, I became so self-conscious. It was almost painful not to have makeup on, but I was scared he'd call me out on it. We ended up staring at each other the whole time and giggling like idiots. In the history of time, there may never have been anything as beautiful as the way Luke looks at me.

That being said; we've decided to hold off on the training web sessions and we'll FaceTime to talk now, our first one being tonight. That's the reason I'm freaking out over what to wear. I'm always supposed to know what to wear in every situation. Turns out, it's much easier to dress other people in the hypothetical.

My makeup is a breeze since I already know he thought I looked pretty the other day. A darker lip is the only thing I'm doing differently. As I apply it, I daydream about Luke kissing it all off me. It's easy to imagine and dream about his hands and lips on me. Will I ever be comfortable enough around him to experience them in real life? I don't know.

Before Luke, I was positive I would spend the rest of my days alone. It's funny how much has changed. Yesterday I cried as I ordered a size eight dress from one of my favorite sites. I haven't worn a single digit dress size in at least fifteen years. When I look in the mirror, I don't hate my reflection. I now see more things I'm proud of.

My legs and my arms are probably the parts, which make me most proud. If I dedicate one more blog to sleeveless tops, my followers may revolt. There is a decent chance I'm going to end up wearing one of the tops from the post tonight. The only reason I haven't decided for sure is that it isn't red; it's blue. Luke likes red, but I don't know what he thinks about blue.

I could be overthinking this.

"What do you think, Coco?"

I hold two s.h.i.+rts up and wait for a reaction. A tail flick and one eye briefly opening is all I get.

"Thanks for nothing," I tease and pull the blue tank on.

He won't see my legs but I'm wearing my new favorite pair of jeans. They're a size ten and loose on me. I don't even have to unb.u.t.ton them to go to the bathroom if I wiggle enough. I'm not lazy enough to skip the whole b.u.t.ton and zipper part, but knowing I can is a weird thrill on its own.

He's supposed to be FaceTiming me any minute, so it's the blue tank or my bra, and I'm not ready to have that kind of conversation so blue tank it is. When we talk on the phone, I end up in my bedroom most of the time. Similar to not being ready for him to see me in a bra, I'm also not okay with him seeing my bedroom. He's already seen my living room plenty of times, so that works.

Sitting on my couch, I nervously wait for his picture to pop up on my tablet. Time seems to stand still until all at once he's there.

Taking a quick sip of water to wet my suddenly desert like mouth, I answer, "Hi."

He's in his room, sitting on his bed. I can see him, on his bed, where he sleeps. He must be fresh from a shower; his hair's not quite dry.

"Hey."

"Hi." I blush when I realize I already said that.

There is a smile hinting around his lips. "Hey."

Closing my eyes, I laugh. He makes me giddy.

"How are you?"

"I'm good." It isn't a lie.

Is this what happy feels like?

"I miss our walks."

Without thinking, I glance in the direction of the field, our field.

"Have you been since I left?"

I shake my head; it wouldn't be the same without him.

"Are you waiting for me?" His words light, tone teasing.

"Maybe I am."

"Only ten more days and I'll be back."

My stomach spasms. "I know."

"Are you looking forward to seeing me?"

Not trusting my voice, I hold his eyes and nod.

"I dreamt about you last night."

My mouth drops and my cheeks heat. "You did."

"You kissed me."

I cover my face embarra.s.sed.

"Don't be shy."

That's like telling me not to have blue eyes, completely out of my control.

"I want to kiss you," he adds.

I peek up at him, and can't help but wonder what his kiss would feel like.

"I don't want to pressure you, so I wanted to know how you felt about that."

The physical attraction I have for him is there. Part of me is still scared to trust him.

"Lindsay."

There are things he doesn't know, things I may never be able to share with him. The reason I avoid people and the world outside my door. Would he still like me if he knew?

"What if I can't?"

He doesn't hesitate. "I'll wait."

"But for how long?" I argue.

"Until you're ready."

"You say that..."

"Because I mean it," he finishes for me.

"There have to be so many girls trying to get your attention."

"It's too bad for them that you have all of it."

His gaze doesn't waver from my face.

The intensity is too much so I change the subject. "You said when you got back you'd take me out on a date. What kind of date?"

He shakes his head. "No way I'm telling you this far out. It's a surprise."

"But-" I start.

"No, buts."

I can't help it. I scowl.

He laughs, clearly amused by my expression. "I promise I'll let you in on the secret before we go anywhere and you can say no."

My face relaxes. "But that would ruin your surprise."

"I can live with that."