Carolina Days: Yesterday's Half Truths Part 23

"What are you thinking?"

Before his question, I was innocently thinking his smile was beautiful, and different from any other smile I've ever seen from him. It was so genuine, bringing his entire face into the act, lines crinkling around his eyes. After my eyes closed, the image of his face so fresh in my mind, I wondered if he would kiss me.

"Are you going to answer me?"

"You have a beautiful smile," I blurt.

"Thank you." The tip of his finger moves back and forth gently against mine.

Half of an inch of skin against mine and powerful enough to make me s.h.i.+ver.

"Are you cold?"

"I lied."

My eyes open, locking on his. "I wasn't thinking about your smile when you asked that question. I was wondering if you would kiss me."

All of the sounds around us fade away as his smile drops. His eyes move back and forth from my mouth to my eyes as he wets his lips. The b.u.t.terflies that moments ago fluttered in my stomach have now melted together into a solid ma.s.s that drops like a weight in my gut. The only thing keeping me from squirming is the fear of losing our connection.

He lifts his other hand, reaching toward my face before pausing his hand midair, and then dropping it back to his side.

"Do you want me to kiss you?"

The ability to speak leaves me as my throat tightens and my mouth drops.

He smiles again, only this one is half the intensity as his other smile. This smile is his way of admitting defeat.

"When you're ready to be kissed, you'll kiss me."

"Me?" I squeak.

He nods, his eyes crinkling as he lifts his brows.

"But-" I start to argue.

He shakes his head, looking very pleased with himself.

"What if I can't?"

He turns to look back at the game, my eyes following his as they land on a young player who has fallen on the field. Together we watch as a player from the other team helps him stand back up.

"What you can and can't do is up to you, Lindsay. Either way, I'll be here."

Lifting my hand, losing his contact, I pull my knees to my chest and hug myself. "Until you get bored and find another girl to fix."

His face snaps toward mine. "Where's this coming from?"

I shrug. "Why else would you be interested in me?"

Dragging his hand across his face, he groans. "I thought we were past this."

Despite her a.s.surances, I could tell we weren't past her insecurities when it came to my feelings for her. When the soccer game ended, after folding up the blanket I brought, I walked her back to her house.

"I was thinking we could try going out to dinner for our next date."

Standing outside her doorway, I wait for her body to react. With her reunion coming up, she needs to get more comfortable around strangers if she is ever going to go. I could find a small restaurant nearby, since I'm not sure how she would feel about riding in the car.

She hesitates before nodding in agreement. The fact this beautiful woman trusts me does something to me. I'm her protector, her guardian; I'd slay dragons for her. I want to kiss her, pull her into my arms, and mold her body to mine.

It's too soon for that though. I'll take the victory of her fingertips reaching out to touch mine and be content with that. Her affection for me will be earned and freely given, not taken.

"I'll have to check online, but if there aren't any restaurants within walking distance, are you okay with me driving to one?"

She wets her lips, her eyes sliding past me to my car. "I'd like to go for a car ride, but could we stay nearby?"

Her eyes meet mine again; my fingers itch to brush a strand of her wheat blonde hair behind her ear. "Of course."

She relaxes, smiling brightly. "You know what I should and shouldn't eat, so it'll be fun to go out to dinner."

No fear, only excitement at going out with me. If she'll let me, someday I want to be the man who erases all her fears and self-doubt.

"Does Wednesday night work?"

"It's a date," she beams.

Time slows as I can do nothing but look at her. She is so different from the women at the gym. There is no illusion or falseness to her.

On my drive home, Sasha calls.

"Hey, Sash."

"Dad emailed me."

My fingers tighten around the steering wheel. "Excuse me."

She gulps. "He saw you on TV and wants to reconnect with us."

"Bull."

"Luke, he's only asking for us to meet him for coffee."

It took me weeks after he left finally to accept he wasn't coming back. I had been so sure his love for us could not have kept him away. Growing up I had been his shadow. After he left, it killed me becoming his replacement. I did everything in my power to fill the void he left in our family.

"Why now?" I snap.

"He's sick."

Karma.

"He gets to leave us high and dry; and now he's sick, he wants our forgiveness?"

"Holding a grudge isn't going to make you feel any better."

"He lied to all of us. What makes you think he isn't lying right now by telling you he's sick?"

"I want to meet him. Please, will you come with me? He wants both of us there."

"Both of us? What about Nat, Jenn, or Melissa? Does he even know he's a grandfather?"

"His email only mentioned us. I don't know if he's already tried contacting them separately."

"Have you said anything to Mom?"

She gasps. "Of course not."

This conversation has me so distracted I almost miss my exit. "That's the thing. You shouldn't feel like that. Did he tell you not to tell Mom he contacted you?"

There's a long pause. "He did say he didn't want to hurt her."

"Too late for that, and he didn't only hurt her; he hurt all of us."

How quickly an afternoon could change. With one phone call, I've gone from the high I felt being with Lindsay to being that abandoned small boy all over again. If you leave your family, you shouldn't turn up years later because you're sick.

This is his selfish nature s.h.i.+ning through. This isn't about us. If he is actually sick, then this is some personal attempt at clearing his conscience. He's worrying about himself, not us. If he cared one iota about us, he would have stayed gone.

I can't let her face him alone though. Sasha was so young when he left; I get why seeing him would be important to her. I won't know what his true reason for trying to come back into our lives is until I see him face to face. Even though that's the last thing I want to do, I'll do it for Sasha.

"I'll go, but promise me you'll trust me if I get a bad vibe from him."

I can practically hear her smile through the phone. "Thank you, Luke."

I'm parking by the time we hang up. She's my baby sister. I'd do anything for her.

After walking Loki, I spend the rest of my afternoon searching places I could take Lindsay on Wednesday. I don't want it to be anywhere crowded, but the food needs to be good. I check out reviews on a few places before texting her to see if she'd be up for sus.h.i.+.

She replies immediately that sus.h.i.+ sounds good. I email her the link to the restaurant so she can look at pictures of it online. My hope is that if she has a chance to familiarize herself with it before we get there, it will be less scary.

It's been years since I've gone out on an actual date. I've met up with women, hung out with women, and gone home with women plenty of times. It's clear to me now something was missing in all of those interactions. I had been lazy in my pursuit, and they had deserved better than me.

There's no way I could treat Lindsay the same way I have treated other women in the past, not that I mistreated them. Nothing about them made me work to spend time with them. My time with Lindsay takes planning; it takes the intention on my part to make it happen. Whatever walls she's built around herself make the time we spend together my responsibility to create.

There's a balance I have to respect as well. I don't want to push her; I want to encourage her to come to me instead. I'm no virgin, but the simple brush of her fingertip against mine was one of the most erotic experiences of my life. There was no accident in her movement. She touched me.

Not long before bed, I get the text from Sasha with when and where we're meeting our dad for coffee. It's this Tuesday night. I text her back to let her know I'm calling Mom. Sasha doesn't want to tell her we're meeting him, but if our mom ends up finding out from someone other than us, it'll hurt her.

She still loves our dad, or at least I a.s.sume she does. When he left, she was heartbroken; but not once in all of the time he's been gone, has she ever spoken one word against him. That's all I have to go on. If she hated him, I figure we would have known about it.

She doesn't answer her cell or her home phone. I leave a message for her at home. She thinks her cell phone is only for emergencies, so she rarely turns it on unless she has to call someone. My sisters and I have tried to explain to her when she turns it off we can't call her.

She doesn't return my call until the next day.

"Dad contacted Sasha, and I'm going with her to meet him for coffee on Tuesday."

There's a long pause. I'm about to see if she's still there when she answers.

"How long has your father been in touch?"

"I'm not sure. I don't think long."

"Have you spoken to him?"

"No, but I told Sasha I'd go with her, for her. I have no desire to see him."

"Will you call me afterward?"

I close my eyes. "If you want me to."

"I do."

I decide to change the subject. "I'm taking Lindsay out to dinner Wednesday."

"Sasha's friend?"

My mom never forgets a thing. "Yes, but I'm not sure if Sasha knows."

"Why wouldn't Sasha know? Is it a secret?"

"It's not a secret. I'm telling you, aren't I? I don't know what Lindsay and Sasha talk about."

"You must really like this girl."

"I do; she's incredible."

"When will I get to meet her?"

"This will be our second date, Mom. If I don't scare her off, I'll see if I can talk her into driving out with me for a visit."

"Scare her off?"

"Lindsay is shy. Strangers make her nervous."

"How can she be shy and be friends with your sister? Your sister doesn't have a shy bone in her body."

"Maybe they complement each other."

After we hang up, I do the usual; eat, sleep, walk Loki, work, and do my best to kill time until it's finally Tuesday night.

Nerves, which make no sense, plague me about seeing my dad again. I have this fear he'll say it was my fault. That I was the reason he left all of us. Logically, as an adult I get that it had to have been more complicated than that. It doesn't stop the hurt little kid inside me from fearing it.