Beauty Queens Part 44

"Ladybird is here? Now?"

"Yes!" Adina lied. "Plus, you will love the compound. Weapons galore! And gummi bears."

MoMo clicked the gun against his teeth, thinking. Then he leveled it at them again. "You will take me to this compound now."

Agent Jones bent over, gasping for breath, his gun resting against his knee for a second. The blonde had given him a sharp kick to the kidneys and sprinted ahead. Agent Jones had lived through a lot in his years with the agency, but tonight marked the absolute nadir. If he didn't get this under control, his entire career was headed straight for the c.r.a.pper. No pension. No inscribed pen set. Just the knowledge that he'd been defeated by a pack of teen beauty queens. He flashed on an image of his father in his clown suit just before that final party. In the memory, his old man stood before the hall mirror, the stubble on his cheeks poking through his white face makeup like beach scrub. "Happy birthday," he'd croaked to his reflection, practicing a smile, but only managing a grimace.

"I'm not making anybody a balloon animal today," Agent Jones said to himself. He started running, pouring on speed despite the ache in his back. He saw a curve of blond hair poking out from behind a tree just ahead and smiled. At last his luck was turning. He'd take down Miss Texas. Any ambivalence he'd felt about killing these beauty queens had been erased by this one's relentless campaign against him. She'd come to symbolize everything that was wrong with his mediocre life. Carefully, he crept toward the tree where she was hiding. "Gotcha," he whispered, reaching out for her. "Ow." He slapped at his neck where the mosquito had stung him and came away with a needle-thin dart. Before he could react, another hit him in the b.u.t.t. He looked up to see Taylor pulling the tube from her mouth. His hand reached out and came away with a blond hairpiece. Off to his right, the ghost of his father seemed to be standing in the trees, grinning. And then the jungle began to turn upside down.

The pirates and the girls had made it back to the compound conference room.

"Petra!" Sinjin ran for her. He had not removed her bathrobe.

Petra threw her arms around Sinjin. Then she slapped his face. Then she kissed him.

"What the h.e.l.l happened?" she demanded. "I ought to kick your a.s.s and break up with you."

"I know! I'll explain everything, I swear." He rubbed his cheek and gave a naughty smile. "Hot! Like a she-cat. Grrrr!"

"Call me a she-cat again and I will kick your a.s.s on principle."

"Right. Got it." Sinjin saluted. He hugged Petra. "I was really worried about you."

"Color me unconvinced," Petra said.

"When I saw that dead man in the lagoon, I thought the black s.h.i.+rts were after us and that we'd brought further danger to you babes," Sinjin explained.

"Because it's all about you," Adina singsonged.

"I thought if we left, they might follow us and leave you babes alone. And hopefully, we'd make it to a port and get help. Not a great idea, but the best I had at the moment. And then Ahmed discovered a jar of lady hair remover that turned out to be a bomb... ."

"That didn't work, 'cause whoever engineered it was a moron," Ahmed finished.

"Anyway, we were heading out to sea when my conscience got the better of me. b.l.o.o.d.y inconvenient, having one of those. I thought of my lady love, Miss Petra, back here, eating grubs from the sand, and me wearing her heels on the s.h.i.+p - mind, I looked unbelievable in them, a glam-rock captain of all captains. But there I was on the bow in m' heels and fishnets, the wind blowing my hair about, all romance-cover hero, making my man nipples stand up all nice 'n' twimbly. And I thought, 'Wait a minute, hold on - why are we running? We can't do this. We've got to face these a.r.s.ebuckets ourselves.' So I said, 'Mates, are we mice or are we men? If those ladies are in trouble, then by Blackbeard, we'll stand with them and fight. So let's turn this s.h.i.+p around. One for all and all for one, ladies included, even playing field, what's fair for the goose is fair for the gander, d.a.m.n the torpedoes, don't stop till you get enough, rock the Casbah, G.o.d save the Queen, and full speed ahead.'"

"Actually, Cap'n, you said, 'Cor blimey, I need to take a p.i.s.s.' Then you said them other bits," George said.

Petra put a hand to her heart. "My hero."

Sinjin kissed Petra's hands. "Petra, I've got me faults. I'm a bit full of m'self and I might steal your clothes on occasion. But I'm loyal and well read and I'll stand by your side no matter what. Byron's b.a.l.l.s! I'm absolutely barmy for you. Will you have me?"

Petra smirked. "Shut up and kiss me."

The girls swooned as Petra swept Sinjin up into her arms.

"G.o.d, you're lovely. And quite strong." Sinjin kissed her hard on the mouth.

"Later. We've got to try to upload this video of Ladybird and MoMo," Mary Lou said.

"Ladybird Hope and The Peac.o.c.k really did the nasty?" Nicole asked.

"Uh-huh. Don't remind me. I want to wash my eyeb.a.l.l.s. Just ... I mean, the hot tub and her crown and the Elvis wig ..."

"You are totally scarring me for future s.e.x," Shanti said.

"She can't be trusted. She's in on this."

"In on it? Little girl, I masterminded it." Sudden fluorescent light brightened the gloom of the conference room. The flat-screen TV popped on. Ladybird Hope sat behind a replica of the president's desk in a fake oval office.

"You think she got that from the Delusional Home Furnis.h.i.+ngs Superstore?" Petra whispered.

"I heard that, Miss Rhode Island," Ladybird chided.

MoMo pushed Adina and Duff into the room.

"Adina! Duff! Crazy dictator man with gun!" Mary Lou called. "Okay. Roll call of doom all done."

"Well, h.e.l.lo, MoMo." Onscreen, Ladybird gave a stiff wave.

"I am here, my flightless fowl."

"Actually, the ladybird isn't a bird at all. It's a type of beetle. A pest," Shanti said pointedly.

"Speaking of pests, I can't wait till I can enact some new immigration laws. Hope you have a cute little Hindi handbag to hold your papers, Miss California. I'd hate to think of you being exported to some call center in Mumbai."

"Deported. People are deported. Products are exported," Nicole corrected.

"Well, my goodness. Thanks for reminding me to overhaul textbooks during my reign."

"You're running for president, not queen."

Ladybird scratched a file over the end of a less-than-perfect nail. "Actually, I figured out that running for office is a lot like being in a beauty pageant. Look good. Smile and wave. And tell the people only what they want to hear." She blew away freshly buffed nail fuzz. "Oh, and make sure you wash your hands after applying self-tanner. Otherwise, people might think you're secretly Mexican."

"Serape means 'cape'!" A grinning Agent Jones burst into the room wearing only a fig leaf. He threw his arms into the air and stretched his fingers into peace signs. "We are all beautiful star flowers!"

"What the h.e.l.l?" Jennifer said.

Ladybird squinted. "Agent Jones?"

"Who is that unfortunate man?" Sinjin asked.

"The Corporation agent who tried to kill us," Petra explained. Sinjin took in the sight of the man in the fig leaf trying to commune with the ergo chair. He raised an eyebrow.

"He had on more clothes," Petra said.

Agent Jones put a finger to his mouth. "Agent Jones is gone. I am Man Flower."

"Agent Jones," Ladybird barked.

"Man Flower."

"Agent Jones, I am trying to quiet the hideous screaming I feel inside just looking at you. It's a shame that after all your years of dutiful service, you will not be able to partake in the pension plan. Not that it matters; we're cutting that anyway."

Agent Jones held Sinjin's face in his hands. "I'm going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals."

"How right you are, strange delusional man," Sinjin said.

MoMo shot at the ceiling and everyone jumped. "Where are my weapons?"

"Just relax, Peac.o.c.k," Ladybird snapped. "Are you wearing the special shoes I sent you?"

"Just as you requested, Ladybird." MoMo hopped onto the conference room table where everyone could have a better view of his platform blue suede shoes. He executed a series of tricky dance steps.

Ladybird's lips curled in distaste. "Was that necessary, MoMo?"

"Our love brings the dance fever. It is like the King, always and forever."

"Well, maybe not, MoMo." Ladybird repositioned a bobby pin and patted the pouf at the back of her head. "See, if I'm gonna be the leader of the free world, I can't be seen canoodling with the crazy dictator of a country we're about to go to war with."

"What are you saying? We are not to be at war. I will let you have your little factory when we are married. But first, the weapons."

"Mmm, not so much, Peac.o.c.k. I thought of something better. You get framed for killing our girls. We kill you in response. Then we go to war with your country and set up shop without anybody regulatin' or gettin' in our hair. Oh, and I get elected president."

"What ... what are you saying, Ladybird? It's like you are the devil in disguise."

"Oh, MoMo. We had some swell times. And now, it is time for you to die."

Ladybird turned a dial on her signature diamond watch. MoMo grimaced and grunted in pain.

"Electrical current. Tucked into the heels of those blue suede shoes I gave you for Christmas," Ladybird explained.

"Acckkk! Gah!" MoMo's body twisted into unnatural shapes as he moved around the room. He shook, convulsed, and finally fell to the floor, dead. Ladybird Hope sighed and readjusted her watch.

"Well," she said, patting her hair. "He always did love to dance."

Tiara glared at Ladybird. "You're a D-E-W-S-H."

Ladybird's eyebrows knit together in concentration. "Do you mean douche?"

"We never did cover spelling in Smart Cla.s.s," Adina said.

Jennifer marched toward the screen. "When The Corporation finds out what you're doing, they are so going to drop you as a sponsor."

"Listen, Little Orphan Lezzie, who do you think is puttin' me in power? The presidency is now a Corporation-run business. And I intend to be Chairman of the Board. I've already got what I need - footage of ROC soldiers and an explosion. That's what America will see on Barry Rex Live in about ten minutes. America will demand justice. I'll make that justice my campaign promise. There will be T-s.h.i.+rts - made in my factories, of course - to show support. They'll have your faces on 'em and some neato phrase, like, 'Because they never got to walk the runway of life.'" Ladybird sighed. "Unfortunately, none of you will be around to watch the show. Can you imagine what a great moment that will be when I, Ladybird Hope, the best Miss Teen Dream who ever lived, appear at the televised memorial and lay a crown on the memorial grave of the beauty queens? I'll give a speech about how we cannot let your deaths have been in vain, and then, as a final tribute, I will play a moving cello solo. I'll be back in the game. Shoot, I'll own the game."

"This is not a game," Adina said.

Ladybird stopped filing. "Honey, everything's a game. There are winners and losers. I am a winner. And you ..." Ladybird pushed a b.u.t.ton on her remote. Steel doors slammed down, sealing them inside. "... are the losers. Now, I'm real sorry to tell you this, but I've rigged the island to blow. See? The detonator is a remote and it's right here in my G.o.d Bless America crystal flag pin. Course, I won't be selling this particular pin on the Armchair Shopping Network." Ladybird laughed. She snorted at the end like a corgi. "Oh. But I am giving you a countdown, 'cause that's cla.s.sy. Prepare to take your final walk on the runway, Teen Dreams. Rest a.s.sured you'll be more famous in death than you'd ever have been in life. There's a small comfort in that, isn't there?"

"No. Not at all," Adina said.

"Well. With an att.i.tude like that, it's no wonder you're in this position."

A disembodied woman's voice came over the speaker system. "Commencing countdown to destruction in ten minutes. Nine fifty-nine. Nine fifty-eight. Nine fifty-seven ..."

"Oops. Looks like it's time for me to go on Barry Rex Live and break the news about your deaths to a frightened nation looking for guidance. So long, Teen Dreamers." Ladybird smiled and waved a stiff hand in a beauty queen salute. "Sorry you won't go out pretty."

The screen went dead.

"I am so not voting for her," Tiara said.

"Nine thirty. Nine twenty-nine. Nine twenty-eight ..."

Adina ran to the control panel embedded in a long desk beneath the TV screen. "There has to be some way to turn this thing off, right? Like a-a whatchamacallit... ."

"Off switch! Do-over b.u.t.ton!" Miss Ohio said.

"Voice recognition software, maybe," Shanti said, searching the control panel for some hint.

"One of those palm-reading things?" Jennifer offered. She and Sosie pushed b.u.t.tons in random sequences, hoping for a detonation-stopping bingo.

"Eight fifty-one. Eight fifty ..."

"c.r.a.p!" Adina said. "What's the name of that thing that always stops the bomb in the movies?"

"Manual system override," Agent Jones said dreamily.

The girls turned to him.

"Manual system override," Nicole repeated.

"Mmm-hmm. Stops it."

"Agent Jones," Nicole asked carefully. "Do you know how to override the system manually?"

"Screw the system, man. You're beautiful. I'm beautiful. This table is beautiful."

"We are all beautiful. You know what would be most beautiful? Overriding the f.u.c.king system, a.s.swipe!" Jennifer yelled.

Agent Jones frowned. "Men have feelings, too. You bruised the petals of my man flower."

"Christ," Jennifer hissed.

"Apologize," he said.

"What? No way."

"Apologize or no system override."