Off Limits Part 11

Jim lifted his head. He wiped his mouth with the pink linen napkin and set itaside. "I feel like I'm in a dream, too."

"A beautiful dream," Alex whispered shyly.

"I don't ever want to wake up."

She didn't either. The darkness beneath his eyes had increased. "You need tosleep."

"Yeah..." Jim frowned. "Look, I don't want to impose on you, Alex-"

"The couch turns into a bed. You could stay here," Alex offered quickly.

Relief flowed through him. "I'll take you up on your kindness. To tell you thetruth, I'm short on money. I've got to get to a Western Union stationtomorrow, wire my folks for some money and let them know I arrived safelyStateside."

"Of course." Alex stood. "Let me make your bed up. Could you use a hotshower?"

"How about a hot bath? I haven't had one since...well, a long time ago. I'dgive almost anything to just sit and soak in some hot water."

She smiled gently. "Come on, I'll show you where the bathroom's located andget you a towel and washcloth."

Jim got up and followed her. His throat constricted with emotions that were inutter chaos. To come out of the damp, smelly cell where he'd been under thebrutal attention of the brig guards for four months into this clean, lovelyhome was too much to comprehend. Jim was sure he was experiencing some kind ofculture shock. Everything about Alex's home was clean, the odors tantalizing,and the colors soft, like her.

By the time Alex had made the couch into a bed, Jim appeared in theliving-room doorway. Alex had loaned him her huge, oversize blue terry-clothbathrobe, and although it barely fit, he didn't mind. He sure didn't want toput his damp clothes back on. Alex put an extra blanket at the bottom of thebed, in case he got cold.

"Come on, you look like you're going to keel over, Jim."

"The bed does look good," he agreed. Exhaustion was lapping at all his senses,and he heard himself slurring his words. Dropping his shoes and socks nearby,he sat down on the edge of the bed. He patted the mattress. "Feels good, too."

Alex moved to the doorway. "Sleep as long as you want. I'll probably be uparound eight, and I've got the afternoon s.h.i.+ft at the hospital."

"What time do you get off?"

"Nine p.m."

Jim nodded. "Good."

"Why?"

"No reason. The way I'm feeling, I'll probably sleep all night and most oftomorrow."

Alex wanted to kiss him, but she fought herself. Although he had held hertightly in his arms, he hadn't kissed her, hadn't said he loved her. Filledwith uncertainty, Alex whispered, "Good night, Jim."

"Good night, gal."

The room grew quiet after Alex left. Soon, the kitchen light switched off andJim shrugged out of the robe. What little money he'd had was already spent.The clothes on his back had been purchased in Saigon before he'd boarded thefreedom bird for home- and for a new life.

Just the act of lying on a soft mattress, with clean white sheets, wasamazing. His brain was fogged with weariness as he shaped the pillow with hislong, spare fingers and closed his eyes. Alex. He was here, with her. At herhome. He'd found her, and she'd welcomed him. Did she love him? Was theresomething left of their long-ago experience on which to build? Everything wa.s.so uncertain. Jim sighed raggedly, spiraling into a dark, dreamless sleep-hisfirst in four months.

Alex awoke at eight in a euphoria of happiness. As she lay in her room, themorning sun peeking in through the white curtains at the window, she suddenlyremembered that Jim was here. Sitting up, her flannel granny gown rumpled,Alex pushed her hair out of her eyes. Jim was here.

Some of her happiness ebbed as she continued waking up. What she wanted wasJim in her bed-with her. The need to love him, to physically bond with him,was eating away at Alex. As she got up, took a hot shower and changed intodark green slacks and an ivory sweater, she felt giddy and nervous. Was heawake yet? She wondered how he'd slept last night- if he'd had any nightmares.

Tiptoeing to the living room, Alex felt her nervousness recede. Jim lay on hisleft side, sleeping deeply, the blankets pooled around his waist. Thomasinalay in his arms, and a smile tugged at Alex's mouth as the cat blinked awakeand stared across the room toward her.

Alex absorbed Jim's sleeping features. His hair was cut very short, and evenin the gloom of the living room, Alex could still see the welt of that evilscar. What had happened? She tucked her lower lip between her teeth, feelingpain. His pain. Jim's mouth was slightly parted, the tension he'd carried thenight before gone. Even the darkness beneath his long, spiky lashes had nearlydisappeared. He was sleeping well, his darkly haired chest rising and fallingslowly.

A newfound yearning cascaded through Alex. She carefully made her way out tothe kitchen. The pies for her patients would have to be packed and the cornbread, baked last week, taken from the freezer. She needed to be at thehospital by eleven so she'd have time to make sure the preparations forThanksgiving dinner went just right. Making a pot of coffee as quietly as shecould, Alex penned Jim a note and laid it nearby.

After feeding Thomasina, Alex puttered quietly around the house and did a loadof laundry. Eleven o'clock approached and Alex didn't want to go. She wantedto stay and watch Jim awaken, to talk to him and spend hours catching up onhis life. She had so many questions, so many blank spots that needed to befilled in. As she placed the pies in the car, Alex knew that they'd have thattime. Still, this was one day-even though it was special to her patients-thatshe wanted to pa.s.s quickly. By nine-thirty tonight she'd be home. Home. AndJim would be waiting for her. As Alex backed the car out of the driveway, shefelt as if her life was beginning all over again, excitement and fear vyingfor attention within her.

Alex was about to open her front door when Jim opened it for her. She smiledup at him. He was clean shaven, wearing the clothes she'd washed for him thatmorning. Shadows no longer lurked beneath his eyes, and there was a ruddinessto his complexion and a twinkle in his cobalt eyes.

"Hi!"

Jim smiled. "Hi yourself, gal."

Alex walked into the foyer and shed her coat. Jim took it and hung it up inthe hall closet.

"This is the first time I've seen you in a nurse's uniform," he teased.Catching her hand, he pulled her to a stop. "Hold on, let me take a good lookat you. Last night, I wasn't all here."

Blus.h.i.+ng furiously, Alex stood still beneath his intense inspection. Touchingher hair nervously, she muttered, "I look a mess right now-"

"No," Jim said, "you look purty as ever. You always will to me, Alex." Hisfingers tightened around hers as he looked deeply into her lovely gray eyes.There was such beauty to her red lips and the way they parted beneath hishungry inspection. Jim hotly recalled his kissing Alex so long ago. That oneexquisite moment they'd shared had never left him, no matter how bad thingshad gotten.

Alex stood very still, her senses spinning. The look in Jim's eyes was makingher shaky inside. "I-I'm scared," she whispered.

He managed a one-cornered smile. "So am I, gal. I'm scared of myself, of thefeelings I have for you. It's been so long, Alex, so long without you."

She swallowed hard and nodded. Jim was so close. Just two steps and she wouldbe in his arms. But did he love her? What was left between them? "I'm afraid of myself, of my feelings, too, if it makes you feel any better." She laughednervously.

Jim released her hand, although he didn't want to. "I have a proposal for you,Alex. It's something ... well, something I dreamed about while I was in LongBinh. Maybe it's a crazy dream, an impossible one...."

"What is it?" She held her breath.

Jim shrugged. "I thought...well...that is, I'd like you to take some time offto be with me. I know this is sudden and unexpected. When I didn't receive anymore mail from you, I was afraid to propose the idea in a letter to you." Heheld her l.u.s.trous gaze. "We need time for ourselves, Alex. I guess that's whatI'm saying. I wired my folks this afternoon, and they sent me the money."

She looked down at the carpet. "My supervisor knew you were coming home." Alextook in a ragged breath. "I was hoping you'd ask. I took the week off, Jim,just in case you showed up here."

"I'm glad you did, gal," he whispered huskily. Reaching out, he caressedAlex's cheek, her skin velvety beneath his touch.

Braving her fear, Alex looked up as he cupped her cheek with his long, scarredfingers. "Jim, I never stopped loving you. Not ever. You weren't some pa.s.singfancy to me. And it wasn't because of what happened in Vietnam, either."

Aching to take her, to love her, Jim nodded, the words stuck in his throat ina big lump. Taking a step closer, he allowed his hand to fall on her smallshoulder. "You're so brave," he told her unsteadily, "so brave. I hope, Alex,I can match your courage. Maybe this next week will tell us what we both needto know."

Alex shut her eyes. She loved him so fiercely, unequivocally, that there wasonly one thing that she wanted from him: his love in return. "I'll take thetime off, Jim," she heard herself say, her voice sounding hollow with fear.

Chapter Eleven.

"First things first," Jim told Alex as he walked to the kitchen with her. Whenhe saw the delight in her eyes, he smiled down at her. "A gentleman alwayscourts a lady proper. Just because we got off on the wrong foot doesn't meanwe can't right things now. I'd like to take you out to dinner."

Heat raced up Alex's cheeks, and she felt shaky inside once again. The words"court you proper" hung gently before her, and she couldn't overcome her ownfear to ask him what he meant. So often, she'd found out in the past, Missourihill slang meant something entirely different from what she thought.

"Dessert?"

His smile deepened. "It's Thanksgiving. I know you've already eaten, but Ihaven't. And no one should be alone on a holiday like this." He grazed herflaming cheek with his fingers. "Besides, I'm thankful for so many things. Foryou, for your loyalty... You never gave up on me, Alex. I owe you more than Ican ever repay."

She swallowed, hurt jagging through her. Alex didn't want to be paid back. Wasthis what the dinner proposal was about? Repayment for her support during someof the darkest hours of his life? "You don't have any obligations to me," shemanaged in a hoa.r.s.e tone. "None. I did what I did because of how I feel aboutyou, Jim."

"I'm not asking you on this date out of obligation. It's important that we dothings right," Jim said calmly, although every bit of his being was aching tolean down and kiss her ripe, red lips. "Will you humor this guy from Missouriand go out with him? Our first official date?"

"I'd love nothing better than to be with you."

Jim stood and forced himself to place his hands in the pockets of his brownslacks. Alex wore an uncertain expression on her face, and Jim didn't know howto interpret it. Perhaps she was ashamed to be seen in public with him-becauseof his past, a past that would live with him forever.

"Sure?"

"Positive. Do you have a place picked out?"

"No. I figured you knew Portland well enough to suggest a nice restaurant." Heglanced down at his large feet encased in brown leather loafers. "I'm afraid Ican't dance worth nothing, gal."

"I'm not much on dancing, either, if the truth be known. It's a holiday andlate, but I think The Top Shelf is open. It's not too far from here. They evenserve steaks."

"I'd give my right arm for a good steak," Jim said fervently. He couldn'trecall when he'd had a decent meal except for last night. The food at LongBinh had been minimal and poorly prepared.

With a laugh, Alex nodded. "Let me take a quick shower and change intosomething more appropriate than this uniform."

Jim couldn't take his eyes off Alex as they sat in a secluded black-leatherbooth at the elegant restaurant. The interior of The Top Shelf was dimly litand very private, the music soft and un.o.btrusive. It matched Jim's feelings:he needed privacy, to be alone to speak at length with Alex about so manythings of importance.

Everything paled in comparison to Alex. She wore a lavender dress with asquare neck and an Empire waistline. The light wool gown was long-sleeved,with seven tiny pearl b.u.t.tons running up each sleeve. Jim thought she lookedlike a fairy-tale princess come to life. Her hair, s.h.i.+ning with highlightsbeneath the lamps, was tucked tastefully into a French twist, the featherybangs across her brow only making her more exquisitely feminine. The pearlnecklace and pearl earrings emphasized her flushed features.

"I feel like a hog in a pigsty compared to how purty you look, Alex." Jim hadgone out that afternoon to a shopping center and bought a pair of navy slacksand a tan corduroy sports coat. The white cotton dress s.h.i.+rt fit him poorly,because of his weight loss. He'd had to buy the right size for his long arms,so the fabric was wrinkled, particularly across his chest. The tie, abrown-and-blue paisley, matched his outfit, he supposed. He'd never been goodat dressing up. Suits and ties hadn't been part of his life in Missouri. TheMarine Corps had taught him how to properly knot a tie, and he'd gotten histoo tight tonight because of his nervousness about his date with Alex. Jim duga finger into the collar around his throat and tugged at it, trying to loosenthe strangling tie.

"You don't look like a pig in a sty," Alex said and slid her hand into his.Jim's fingers were long and firm around her own. "To me, you look like ahandsome prince come to take me to dinner."

Pleasantly surprised, Jim smiled. "I'm afraid Ma didn't know a lot about tablemanners and all. She did the best she could with the likes of me." Jim had been aghast at first, worried by the array of silverware when they wereushered to their table. "One thing I remember. Ma always said to start fromthe outside and work in."

"Your mother was right," Alex said. In the low lights, Jim looked handsome ina harsh way. Like the patients she cared for, he had a wariness deep in hisblue eyes, and he kept glancing around, tense and outwardly jumpy. When awaiter had dropped a gla.s.s at the station, Jim had winced and broken into a light sweat. He'd eaten well, and they turned down dessert in favor of a cupof rich Brazilian coffee. The waiter had cleared away the dishes and they wereable to sit and hold hands.

Jim met Alex's gaze. "I guess it's time for some serious talk," he began."There's so much I've been wanting to say to you, but couldn't in my letters."

"You know, Lieutenant Breckenridge warned me that you wouldn't be able to saymuch, that I'd have to read between the lines."

Sadly, Jim nodded. "That's true, gal." He gently stroked her fingers,wondering in his heart what it would be like to have Alex touch him. Jimgently put those yearnings away. "You know the food you sent? The cookies? Thecorn bread?"

"Yes."

"The brig guards confiscated all of it, Alex. I never got any of it." He sawher features cloud first with sadness and then anger. "Worst of all," headmitted, "was that purty color photo you sent early on. I didn't get that,either." He didn't tell her the full truth of the situation, not wanting tounduly upset Alex. She didn't deserve to go through the array of emotions he'dhad when the brig chaser, Wood, had destroyed the photo out of pure meanness.

"That's inhumane!"

"It's all right, gal," he soothed. "They couldn't take you away from me. Youwere here in my head, and here in my heart." With a shrug, Jim added, "I'mjust glad it's over, that's all." He drew her hand to his lips and kissed it.Her skin was fragrant with a spicy perfume.

His words, his actions, melted away her anger and left her breathless. Alexsaw the haunted quality in his eyes. "I like being held in your heart," shewhispered. And then, very gently, she asked, "What was it really like for youin there, Jim?"

Jim wanted to s.h.i.+eld her from the worst of his imprisonment. He wouldn't lieto Alex ever, but he just wouldn't tell her the worst of it. "I did a lot ofhard, physical labor-anywhere from eight to twelve hours a day. We got threesquare meals-"

"Sure you did. Look at you-you're skin and bones!"

He grinned slightly. "You know how purty you look when you're madder than awet hen?"

Alex felt some of her anger dissolve beneath his husky teasing. "You alwayshad the ability to settle me down. I do have a bad temper, sometimes."

"Naw, you're just a gal who feels deeply about things. That's one of the manythings I like about you, Alex. Don't ever change that."

Flooded with joy at his compliments, Alex wanted to get back to his time spentin the jail. "Your letters kept me going," she admitted.

"I kept all the ones I received from you, Alex." He stared at her long,work-worn fingers. "You have no idea how much your words kept me going. Therewere times... well, Long Binh was a nightmare. Sometimes, when I'd get lowerthan a snake's belly in a wheel rut, I'd reread your letters, and I could hangon. For a while I started to believe what the brig guards were hammering into me-that I was no good. And then, about halfway through my prison term, withyour letters and your faith that I could be something better than I'd everdreamed, I began to find a new kind of strength."

Jim's mouth lifted in a slight smile that was more a grimace. "I'd gottenbeaten down, Alex, in an emotional sense. You were like a bright, clear lightin my darkness. The correspondence course in sociology was a lifesaver. Ibegan to see and understand people and their reactions differently thanbefore. You helped me get my head above water and survive in that place."

Alex nodded and laid her hand over his. "Your letters began to sound stronger,more sure."

"Thanks to you."

"No," Alex countered with feeling, "you pulled yourself up by your ownbootstraps, Jim. I could be there to suggest things, but you were the one whodecided to put them into action."

"Well, I don't think I'd have made it through this last four months withoutyou being there, Alex. I thought being a recon was h.e.l.l at times, but I waswrong. Long Binh is truly h.e.l.l on earth."

Alex could only sit there, feeling deeply for his painful admission. "Whatnow, Jim? What are your plans?"

He held her luminous gray gaze. There was such depth of feeling in her eyes.All Jim wanted to do was bury himself in Alex's arms, wrap himself in herlove. But that wouldn't be fair to her. They had to have time to get to knowone another. "Most of what I do hinges on you, Alex."

"Me?" Her heart began to pound slowly.

"Yeah." Jim's grip on her hand tightened. "Since I have a bad conductdischarge, my GI benefits are cut off. If I go to college, it means getting acouple of jobs on the side to pay for books and tuition, plus finding a placeto live. I can do all that. Any place I go to get a job will automatically askme about my military enlistment. Once they find out I had a BCD, they won'thire me, so I'll have to go for labor kinds of jobs, instead."

"My dream at this point is to get a degree in psychology. I can seesociology's benefit, but like you, I'm interested in the mind and how it runsa person. I figure if I make outstanding grades, work hard, that four yearswill help erase my BCD up to a point." Jim shook his head. "That BCD willhaunt me the rest of my life, Alex. It's liable to stop me from getting areally good job at some point in my future. I'll probably never make reallygood money, but that's not all that important to me. I have to be happy doingsomething that will help others."

"I understand," Alex whispered, fighting back her tears. "I like your plan. Ithink it will work."

"You do?"

"I know it will, Jim." She heard the hope in his voice, the need for someoneto validate him. Jim was fragile in ways that Alex was only beginning torealize. Her love for him was overwhelming. Looking into his eyes, she sensedhis tension, a taut nervousness that kept him tightly wound, and that hauntedlook that lingered. Alex tried to put herself in his shoes, coming out of aharrowing prison term and landing squarely back in civilization, with all its comforts and opportunities.