The Mental Floss History Of The World Part 25

1770.

Royal governor dissolves General a.s.sembly in Boston.

1776.

American Revolution begins.

1783.

Parliament acknowledges legitimacy of the United States.

1787.

Alexander Hamilton organizes Const.i.tutional Convention; French Revolution begins with "Revolt of the n.o.bles."

1793.

The Terror begins in France, encouraged by Robespierre.

1794.

Robespierre is toppled and executed.

1799.

Napoleon declares himself Consul for Life.

1804.

Napoleon crowns himself emperor of France.

1814.

Napoleon is forced to abdicate; first steam-powered railroad invented in Britain.

1815.

Napoleon makes "100 Days" comeback; is exiled to St. Helena.

1830.

Giuseppe Mazzini imprisoned for advocating Italian unification.

1834.

Giuseppe Garibaldi leads failed Italian nationalist rebellion, escapes.

18451849 Irish Potato Famine takes place.

1854.

Commodore Perry "opens" j.a.pan.

1857.

Britain destroys Moghul Empire.

1861.

Italy is united.

18611865 American Civil War takes place.

1868.

United States buys Alaska from Russia.

1871.

Germany is united.

Revolution Watch: American Tax Dodgers It's fair to say the American Revolution was the work of tax dodgers who, in the time-honored American tradition, didn't want to pay up. But the truth is that it took a little more than just taxes to push the Founding Fathers into rebellion.The countdown to the American Revolution began with the confusingly named French and Indian War (17551760), in which the French and some Indians fought the British and other Indians over beaver trapping rights. The Brits won, but went deeply into debt, and Parliament decided to make the colonists pay off the debt by taxing anything it could think of.Each of the tax acts met with violent opposition, and when Parliament foolishly ordered the royal governors to dissolve the rebellious colonial a.s.semblies, the colonists rose up to defend their already limited rights. To protest the dissolution of their General a.s.sembly, in February 1770 Bostonians rioted against the Redcoats, leading to the infamous Boston Ma.s.sacre in which six died.Then, in 1773, came the Tea Act. This time, to prop up the failing East India Company, the Brits wanted to sell eighteen million pounds of unwanted tea at bargain prices. Local merchants feared the Brits' tea dump would drive them out of business, and ordinary Americans supported the merchants with a boycott, giving up one of their favorite vices (imagine giving up coffee today). Things were resolved peacefully in New York and Philadelphia-but in Boston they (once again) got totally out of hand. When the royal governor ordered the sailors to land their cargo, Samuel Adams led 150 drunken Bostonians (barely) disguised as Mohawk Indians in dumping the tea into Boston Harbor, with huge crowds cheering them on. As punishment for the "Boston Tea Party," the governor closed the port, putting working-cla.s.s Bostonians out of work. He also forced them to open their homes as lodging for the hated Redcoats, who were sent to "keep the peace."Enraged by these so-called "Coercive Acts," in September 1774, delegates from twelve colonies (Georgia couldn't make it) met in Philadelphia for the First Continental Congress. There, they created a "Continental a.s.sociation" to enforce a total boycott of all British goods, and began to stockpile weapons and ammunition. Finally, on March 23, 1775 (the fifth anniversary of the Boston Ma.s.sacre), when the royal governor of Virginia tried to dissolve Virginia's House of Burgesses, the Virginia patriot Patrick Henry delivered a fiery speech concluding, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"It was on. Fighting started in April 1775, when the Brits sent seven hundred Redcoats to arrest Samuel Adams and John Hanc.o.c.k, another leading patriot. The rebels already knew about the plan, and a metalsmith named Paul Revere rode north to spread the news. Adams and Hanc.o.c.k both got away, while rebels rallied on the Lexington town green for the first battle with the Brits.Nothing important happened today.-King George III, diary entry, July 4, 1776 The Revolution went well at first, with Ethan Allen's victory at Fort Ticonderoga and George Was.h.i.+ngton's capture of Boston. But at the same time the colonists were shocked by British brutality. So on July 4, 1776, the American colonists issued their Declaration of Independence, which concluded, "these united colonies are...free and independent states." And that was pretty much that.But the hardest parts still lay ahead. During 1776 and 1777, Redcoats seized New York and Philadelphia. In the winter of 1777, with no cities to shelter his armies, George Was.h.i.+ngton's soldiers had to scrounge for essentials while camping out in frigid Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. Out of 11,000 men, 2,500 died-and many others deserted.Luckily, America had a knight in s.h.i.+ning armor: France. Still plenty angry about the French and Indian War, King Louis XVI of France was looking for ways to get back at Britain, and the American Revolution was just too good to pa.s.s up. The big payoff was help from the French fleet against the Royal Navy, and military advice from superb French generals.In early 1781, a brilliant French general, Rochambeau, convinced Was.h.i.+ngton to make a surprise attack on the main British army, which had dug in on an isolated peninsula at Yorktown on Chesapeake Bay. The rebels easily cut the British off on the peninsula, while the French Navy blockaded them from the sea. With nine thousand Redcoats starving, the British prime minister resigned, and on September 3, 1783, Britain finally acknowledged the legitimacy of the United States.Who's Your Daddy?

(The Founding Fathers in Four Minutes) George Was.h.i.+ngton (17321799) "I walk on untrodden ground. "I walk on untrodden ground. There is scarcely any part of my conduct which may not hereafter be drawn into precedent." As a young man Was.h.i.+ngton served in the British colonial militia during the French and Indian War (as a military commander, he was about a B). In 1759 he married a wealthy young widow, Martha Dandridge Custis, and through astute management of her estate became one of the richest men in the colonies. One of the few rebels with any military experience, he was a natural choice to lead the Continental Army in 1775. After the war, he retired to his plantation, but returned to preside over the Const.i.tutional Convention in 1787. He then served as president for two four-year terms, from 1789 to 1797. He supported Alexander Hamilton's creation of a strong national government through a.s.sumption of the states' war debts and the formation of a national bank. In his Farewell Address, Was.h.i.+ngton warned against "foreign entanglements," especially with European powers. There is scarcely any part of my conduct which may not hereafter be drawn into precedent." As a young man Was.h.i.+ngton served in the British colonial militia during the French and Indian War (as a military commander, he was about a B). In 1759 he married a wealthy young widow, Martha Dandridge Custis, and through astute management of her estate became one of the richest men in the colonies. One of the few rebels with any military experience, he was a natural choice to lead the Continental Army in 1775. After the war, he retired to his plantation, but returned to preside over the Const.i.tutional Convention in 1787. He then served as president for two four-year terms, from 1789 to 1797. He supported Alexander Hamilton's creation of a strong national government through a.s.sumption of the states' war debts and the formation of a national bank. In his Farewell Address, Was.h.i.+ngton warned against "foreign entanglements," especially with European powers.

Thomas Jefferson (17431826) "I have sworn upon the altar of G.o.d, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. "I have sworn upon the altar of G.o.d, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man." Jefferson's father died when Thomas was fourteen, leaving his son five thousand acres of land. Like Was.h.i.+ngton, Jefferson also married a wealthy young widow named Martha (apparently a popular name) and was considered very well off. A practicing lawyer, he was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses in 1768, where he became a spokesman for independence. He wrote the Declaration of Independence as well as laws protecting religious freedom (Jefferson himself rejected the divinity of Jesus Christ and the Bible). As president, 18011809, he tripled the size of the United States through the Louisiana Purchase, dispatching Meriwether Lewis and William Clark to explore the new territory. A prolific and ingenious inventor, Jefferson also founded the University of Virginia in 1819.

Benjamin Franklin (17061790) "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." The oldest of the Founding Fathers by several decades, Franklin was revered as the first advocate of independence. Born in Boston, Ma.s.sachusetts, as a young man he moved to Philadelphia, where he became one of the leading printers in the thirteen colonies, giving the patriotic cause a public voice. His essays and cartoons helped rally public opinion in favor of unity and independence. In 1778, as amba.s.sador to France, he negotiated the critical French alliance and the Treaty of Paris that ended the war in 1783. A polymath genius, in his spare time Franklin proved that lightning is electricity, invented bifocals, and founded the University of Pennsylvania in 1751.

Alexander Hamilton (17551804) "The sacred rights of mankind are not to be rummaged for among old parchments or musty records. They are written, as with a sunbeam, in the whole volume of human nature." "The sacred rights of mankind are not to be rummaged for among old parchments or musty records. They are written, as with a sunbeam, in the whole volume of human nature." The illegitimate son of a Caribbean sugar baron (or maybe a sea captain), Hamilton was orphaned by the age of thirteen but worked hard to overcome his humble beginnings. Coming to America for school in 1772, he wrote essays attacking British colonial policy. His bravery in the disastrous Battle for New York impressed George Was.h.i.+ngton, who appointed him chief of staff in 1777. After the war, Hamilton organized a convention to draft a new Const.i.tution for a strong federal government in 1787. With James Madison and John Jay he wrote The illegitimate son of a Caribbean sugar baron (or maybe a sea captain), Hamilton was orphaned by the age of thirteen but worked hard to overcome his humble beginnings. Coming to America for school in 1772, he wrote essays attacking British colonial policy. His bravery in the disastrous Battle for New York impressed George Was.h.i.+ngton, who appointed him chief of staff in 1777. After the war, Hamilton organized a convention to draft a new Const.i.tution for a strong federal government in 1787. With James Madison and John Jay he wrote The Federalist Papers The Federalist Papers in 1788, which argued for a strong central government. As the first secretary of the Treasury he accomplished this by convincing Congress to a.s.sume the war debts of the states and to form a national bank. Apparently a bit of a gossip, Hamilton was killed in a duel by his friend-turned-rival Aaron Burr, for spreading rumors about Burr during a political campaign. in 1788, which argued for a strong central government. As the first secretary of the Treasury he accomplished this by convincing Congress to a.s.sume the war debts of the states and to form a national bank. Apparently a bit of a gossip, Hamilton was killed in a duel by his friend-turned-rival Aaron Burr, for spreading rumors about Burr during a political campaign.

James Madison (17511836) "The essence of Government is power; and power, lodged as it must be in human hands, will ever be liable to abuse. "The essence of Government is power; and power, lodged as it must be in human hands, will ever be liable to abuse." The oldest son of a wealthy Virginia tobacco farmer, in 1776 Madison was elected to the Virginia legislature, where he was mentored by Thomas Jefferson. In 1787 he wrote most of the Const.i.tution, based on discussions with the other Founding Fathers. To win over the Const.i.tution's opponents, he also wrote the first ten amendments known as the Bill of Rights. Although he co-auth.o.r.ed The Federalist Papers The Federalist Papers with Hamilton in 1788, Madison feared the United States might turn into a European-style state, with a bureaucracy and a standing army that could oppress the people. Paradoxically, as president from 1809 to 1817, he launched the War of 1812 against Britain, which required an army, navy, and even more national debt. Madison prophetically warned against "factions" (lobbyists) who could corrupt the democratic process with their wealth. with Hamilton in 1788, Madison feared the United States might turn into a European-style state, with a bureaucracy and a standing army that could oppress the people. Paradoxically, as president from 1809 to 1817, he launched the War of 1812 against Britain, which required an army, navy, and even more national debt. Madison prophetically warned against "factions" (lobbyists) who could corrupt the democratic process with their wealth.

John Adams (17351826) "The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty. "The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty." The son of a well-to-do farmer in Braintree, Ma.s.sachusetts, Adams was a cla.s.sic flinty New Englander who loved to argue. As a lawyer, he was driven to resistance by British use of warrant-less searches. Adams's Thoughts on Government Thoughts on Government became the model for many state const.i.tutions, including bicameral legislatures with upper and lower houses. The second president of the United States, Adams was also the first one-term president, defeated by Jefferson in 1800. John Marshall, appointed by Adams as chief justice, helped create the strong government envisioned by the Federalists, and elevated the judicial branch to equality with the legislative and executive. became the model for many state const.i.tutions, including bicameral legislatures with upper and lower houses. The second president of the United States, Adams was also the first one-term president, defeated by Jefferson in 1800. John Marshall, appointed by Adams as chief justice, helped create the strong government envisioned by the Federalists, and elevated the judicial branch to equality with the legislative and executive.

SPINNING THE GLOBE.

Britain (at Home): We Didn't Need That Stupid Colony Anyway [image]

The loss of the American colonies didn't spell the end of Britain's empire. Just the opposite: after the American Revolution, the Brits went on to build the largest empire in history. It was powered by the Industrial Revolution, a period of unprecedented change in the technology of production-that is, making stuff. It began in Britain in the late eighteenth century then spread to France, Germany, and the United States.The first step was the invention of new mechanical systems for the ma.s.s production of things such as textiles, including the spinning jenny, patented in 1770, and the power loom, patented in 1783. These allowed manufacturers to turn cotton into thread and to weave it into cloth hundreds of times faster than before. The new mechanical systems used power from waterwheels and windmills.The second step was connecting the new mechanical systems to steam engines, replacing waterwheels and windmills with a more reliable source of energy. Steam engines had been around since 1698, when Thomas Savery patented a crude model based on a pressure cooker. In 1769, a self-taught Scottish engineer, Thomas Watt, added a separate condenser to cool steam, vastly increasing efficiency.The third and final stage was the invention of machines for making other machines, which really kicked the Industrial Revolution into high gear. Now manufacturing power increased exponentially. The first systems for making "machine tools" emerged in Britain in the 1820s and 1830s. One example was a boring machine, for making perfectly round cylinders for steam engines, readapted from Dutch technology for boring cannons.

HOOKING 'EM YOUNG During the Industrial Revolution, British women who went to work in factories often left their babies with seamstresses or women who took in was.h.i.+ng-early daycare. But with one "baby-minder" for dozens of crying babies, the easiest thing to do was just knock the little nippers out. How? Opium, of course! Popular opium-based sedatives such as G.o.dfrey's Cordial and Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup sold thousands of pints a year.

The Industrial Revolution also required large amounts of money to start new ventures, such as building factories. This influx of money fueled the growth of lending inst.i.tutions, or banks, which could issue paper money and invest in new businesses. The practice of borrowing and lending money, or "capital," to create and expand businesses came to be called "capitalism," and its pract.i.tioners, "capitalists."Working conditions and the standard of living were unbelievably awful during this period, but the Industrial Revolution made the upper cla.s.ses of Britain the wealthiest group of people on the planet, and Britain its most powerful nation. Britain held on to its early lead by constantly conquering new territory, which provided raw materials and markets (customers) for more industrial development, enabling them to conquer even more territory, which...well, you get the idea. The Brits settled or conquered Australia (1788), South Africa (1814), western Canada (1840s), and Nigeria (1861). But the most important acquisitions by far were India and Pakistan.Britain (Abroad): India Will Do Nicely Instead...

Britain's involvement in India dated back to the seventeenth century, but "mopping-up" operations lasted until 1857, when the Brits crushed the Sepoy Mutiny. The Sepoy Mutiny was a last-ditch bid for freedom by 140,000 Indian officers and soldiers, or sepoys, of the Army of Bengal. As the British annexed more and more territory, their Indian soldiers realized that they were helping foreigners conquer their own country, and sacrificed their lives to stop it.

WORST OF THE WORST.

Australia was originally settled by Britain in 1788, as a penal colony for the dregs of its prisons. But if you were really bad, Australia had its own penal colony-that's right, a penal colony for a penal colony. Convicts who committed new crimes were sent to the Macquarie Harbor penal colony, established in 1820 on the west coast of Tasmania (aka the middle of friggin' nowhere).

By this point the Moghul Empire was pretty much a joke: Emperor Bahadur Shah's power didn't extend beyond the walls of his palace in Delhi. Nonetheless, needing a leader, the rebels proclaimed him emperor (again). But as usual, not everyone agreed, and the rebellion soon split apart.When the Brits captured Delhi, Bahadur Shah was found hiding near the tombs of his ancestors and was arrested. His sons and grandson were beheaded and their heads thrown in his lap. Heartbroken, Bahadur was tried for treason, found guilty, and exiled to Rangoon, the capital of Burma, where he became an opium addict and died five years later.India became the crown jewel of the British Empire, a key source of cheap cotton for British textile mills (replacing the lost American colonies), of indigo for dying fabrics, and of opium to keep the Chinese addicted. Meanwhile, hundreds of millions of Indians were avid consumers of British goods, including clothes made with the very textiles they grew cotton for. In typical fas.h.i.+on, the Brits got 'em coming and going, buying the cotton cheap and selling clothes at full price (of course the Indians weren't allowed to trade with anyone except Britain).

CRAZY TALK.

Contrary to the official line, in private many British officials didn't think they had a G.o.d-given right to rule India. Sir Charles Napier, who conquered Sindh (Pakistan) in 1843, frankly admitted, "We have no right to seize Sind," while his subordinate Captain James Outram wrote letters "condemning the measures we are carrying out...as most tyrannical-positive robbery."

West Africa: More British Fingers in the Pie Colonial expansion was rarely a cakewalk for the Brits: all over the world, native powers tried to resist British expansion, with mixed results. One of the most successful, the Ashanti of West Africa, ran a well-organized empire centered on the modern country of Ghana. The Ashanti weren't exactly well loved by their subjects, but they didn't care, because they had two trump cards: gold and guns. One of the few African tribes to arm themselves with European firearms, they bought muskets from Dutch and English traders beginning in the seventeenth century. They used these to conquer all their neighbors by 1750, incorporating more than a dozen kingdoms into a powerful empire covering about one hundred thousand square miles, with three million inhabitants. Many of these were their slaves.With a population of forty thousand in 1807, Dwaben, the largest city, was about the same size as New York. Meanwhile, at the royal capital, k.u.mase, n.o.bles wore so much gold jewelry they needed attendants just to hold it up.With all that gold, it wasn't long before the Brits tried to conquer the Ashanti (surprise). But with an army two hundred thousand strong, the Ashanti king wasn't about to knuckle under to a few hundred malarial Englishmen. The Ashanti annihilated the first invasion force in 1823, using British muskets and gunpowder (that familiar smell is irony) and besieged the British coastal fort in 1826, leading to a peace treaty in 1831. During the second "Anglo-Ashanti" war, in 1863, they were on the verge of wiping out the British settlement when both sides decided to call a draw in 1864.In 1873, the Brits decided to settle things once and for all, sending overwhelming firepower to solve the "Ashanti problem." They even s.h.i.+pped in thousands of tons of iron rails to build a railroad to carry troops. This idea was a bit daft, as the Brits might say, since the path was completely blocked by jungles, rivers, and hills. But British industrial might was also evident in their weaponry, which included artillery, rockets, and modern rifles. The third Anglo-Ashanti war ended in humiliating defeat. But it still wasn't over: continued Ashanti resistance led to yet another war, in 18911894, before the Brits finally gained control of the Ashanti Empire.Southern Africa: A Mover and Shaka In the early 1800s, southern Africa was rocked by a terrible upheaval caused by a fierce tribe, the Zulus, under the leaders.h.i.+p of a great chief named Shaka, who came to be called the African Napoleon.Shaka was born sometime around 1785. He was supposedly much larger than the average African, well over six feet tall, and blessed with unusual strength. He was born the illegitimate son of a Langeni chief, who chased him out of the tribe as a teenager.In exile, Shaka undertook rigorous physical training. He was expert in hand-to-hand combat, but disliked the Zulu's traditional iron-tipped throwing spear and therefore replaced it with a longer swordlike blade attached to a short wooden haft, called an iklwa iklwa. Shaka was supposedly aided in his quest for power by an enchanted iklwa iklwa made by a witch doctor. made by a witch doctor.During his exile, Shaka joined the army of the neighboring Mthethwa tribe. He stood out because of his impressive physical attributes, and in 1812 the Mthethwa chief helped Shaka defeat his own brother to become ruler of the Langeni. This was a big victory for the boy who'd been run out of the same tribe more than a decade before. But Shaka was just getting started.After the Mthethwa chief was killed by the head of rival tribe, Shaka went to war to avenge his death. During this period, Shaka began uniting various tribes under Zulu leaders.h.i.+p with a clever combination of warfare and generous rewards. Their armies were absorbed into Shaka's force, which grew to tens of thousands of warriors.Shaka revolutionized tribal warfare, training his followers in unorthodox fighting techniques he developed and deploying them in an innovative "buffalo" formation. In the Zulu "buffalo," two small divisions of younger, athletic warriors (the "horns") advanced on either side of the main army. These two rapid-strike forces could then perform flanking maneuvers on the enemy army-a surprising strategy for the Zulus, who usually clashed face-to-face in simple line formations. The main body of veteran warriors (the buffalo's "head") then advanced to finish the job, while older soldiers brought up the rear as reserves (the "loins"). Shaka trained his soldiers with endless drills, leading them on forced marches over fifty miles of rough terrain.In all, Shaka's Zulu armies are said to have killed about two million people. Later, fierce Zulu warriors raised in Shaka's military traditions delivered one of the most humiliating defeats in the history of the British colonial empire. At Isandlwana in 1879, twelve thousand Zulus annihilated a British army of twelve hundred Redcoats and five hundred African allies.j.a.pan: Maybe It's Time to Not Live Under a Rock After two and a half centuries of isolation, the "hermit kingdom" of j.a.pan was opened to outsiders in 1854, by an intrepid American naval officer who wouldn't take no for an answer.Beginning in 1603, the first Shogun, Tokugawa, decided that European sailors and traders represented too much of a threat to the island kingdom's traditions. Foreigners were banned from the islands, and j.a.panese were forbidden from leaving them. Even the "hands-off" United States, which sought only trade and places to buy coal for refueling, was rebuffed-until Commodore Matthew Perry arrived in 1852 with a squadron of steam-powered frigates armed with late-model cannons.When j.a.panese officials at Yokohama refused to let Perry come ash.o.r.e to deliver a letter to the Shogun from U.S. president Millard Fillmore, Perry said he would bombard the defenseless port. Unsurprisingly, the officials changed their minds.Perry then went ash.o.r.e with an escort of two hundred U.S. Marines. According to one American witness, to intimidate the j.a.panese, Perry selected as his personal guards two tall, muscular black sailors who were "armed to the teeth." Meanwhile, the local j.a.panese governor mobilized thousands of soldiers and cavalry to encircle Yokohama and prevent the foreigners from infiltrating j.a.pan. Silk screens were erected everywhere to make sure the foreigners saw as little of j.a.pan as possible, and the only building they were permitted to enter was a temporary silk tent.Perry entered the tent to deliver Fillmore's letter to the j.a.panese officials, but when they all sat down together, there was an awkward silence lasting several minutes, as neither side wanted to "go first." Through an interpreter, Prince Toda of Idzu finally told Perry to put the letter in a ceremonial wooden box; aside from that, the j.a.panese didn't say a single word during the half-hour meeting. The letter called for a treaty providing free trade at two j.a.panese ports, the establishment of a U.S. consulate, and the safe return of American sailors s.h.i.+pwrecked on the j.a.panese coast.Perry's visit threw the j.a.panese government into turmoil. Realizing that j.a.pan had fallen far behind the West, high-ranking officials grew dissatisfied with the Shogun and planned a ma.s.sive modernization program. These nationalist reformers also secretly plotted a restoration of the j.a.panese emperor Meiji as a figurehead for their new government.

Revolution Watch: France France Revolution In 1787, France was a total mess. Yet not too long before, everything had been golden under Louis XIV, the "Sun King." What happened? The short version is his successors began raising money through very unpopular policies. The long version is a bit, well, longer.Since the medieval period, French society had been divided into three "estates": the clergy, the n.o.bility, and everyone else. All commoners were lumped together in this "Third Estate," from wealthy merchants, to smalltime shopkeepers, down to the poorest peasants and artisans. The king could tax only the Third Estate, the first two estates being tax-exempt. This arrangement worked well enough in simpler times, but as France developed, the government couldn't keep up.As the commoners' taxes got higher and higher, the n.o.bles had their own complaints. The main issue: they had loaned the king huge amounts of money, and by the late eighteenth century, it was beginning to look like he might not be able to pay it back. And so the French Revolution began to unfold.What is the Third Estate? Everything. What has it been up to now in the political order? Nothing. What does it demand? To become something.-Abbe Sieyes, January 1789 The first phase of the Revolution, the revolt n.o.biliare of 1787, began when the n.o.bles refused to loan Louis XVI more money, and instead demanded a set of guidelines to manage royal spending-in effect, an American-style const.i.tution. The n.o.bles said that the only inst.i.tution that could set the standards was the Estates-General, a medieval a.s.sembly of all Three Estates. It hadn't met since 1614.This turned out to be a bad move. Meeting without the other two estates, the Third Estate concluded that France had to have a const.i.tution dictated by the people, not the n.o.bles. On June 17, 1789, the Third Estate a.s.sumed a new name, the National a.s.sembly. The regular folks were now in charge.When Louis heard the news, he tried to dismiss the Estates-General, but it was too late. What was supposed to be a quiet negotiation between him and the n.o.bles had suddenly become revolution. When Louis kicked the National a.s.sembly out of Versailles, they retreated to one of the king's private tennis courts and swore they wouldn't leave until France had a const.i.tution-creatively known as the "Tennis Court Oath."However, the National a.s.sembly had issues of its own. The wealthy members (upper bourgeoisie) wrote a const.i.tution that restricted the right to vote to property owners-meaning themselves-and the poorer members were not pleased. In 17871789 Mother Nature piled on: the harvest was destroyed by hail and drought, and the winter of 1788 was one of the coldest ever. Starving city dwellers rioted, and law and order began to break down.The mobs were energized by a brilliant young orator from the National a.s.sembly, Maximilien Robespierre, a disciple of Rousseau who believed every adult male had a right to vote, regardless of property, and who also said that government should guarantee commoners food and shelter. This communal utopia was far more radical than anything the upper bourgeoisie wanted, but Robespierre had a huge following among the poor artisans of Paris. In July 1789, hungry mobs attacked soldiers guarding grain s.h.i.+pments arriving from the countryside. Looking for weapons, on July 14, poor Parisians seized the Bastille, an old castle used as a royal armory and prison. In August 1789 the National a.s.sembly abolished the feudal system, distributing n.o.bles' land to the peasants. Then, in 1790, they confiscated all the property of the Catholic Church.Alarmed by the growing radicalism of the Revolution, n.o.bles began fleeing France to organize resistance in other European countries. Louis himself foolishly tried to escape France in disguise in June 1791, only to be caught and accused of plotting counterrevolution with Austria, the home turf of his wife, Marie Antoinette.In April 1792, the National a.s.sembly voted to declare war on Austria. As war raged, the radicals executed the royals and began expelling moderates from the National a.s.sembly, accusing them of treason. In April 1793, the radicals organized a Committee of Public Safety (warning: irony ahead) to find and execute "enemies of the people." In all, about forty thousand people fell victim to "the Terror." A few years after its birth, French democracy was snuffing itself out.The French Revolution sent shockwaves through Europe. To destroy the Revolution where it was born, in 1793 the kings of Britain, Spain, Hanover, and Saxony joined Austria and Prussia in a giant coalition against France. But the Committee of Public Safety organized what was essentially history's first draft, and the giant Revolutionary armies, more than eight hundred thousand strong, swept the foreigners from France with ease. Then, seized by revolutionary fervor, they pursued them into their homelands.Ironically, as the radical Revolution triumphed abroad, Robespierre wore out his welcome at home. In June 1794, 1,285 people were guillotined in a month, and the National a.s.sembly decided they'd had enough. Robespierre was arrested and executed, along with twenty-one followers. The "radical" phase of the Revolution was ending-but the most incredible parts were still to come, thanks to a certain Napoleon Bonaparte.

WHO'S UP, WHO'S DOWN Napoleon Bonaparte: WAY UP, WAY DOWN, THEN REPEAT WAY UP, WAY DOWN, THEN REPEAT [image]

Although he grew up in Corsica speaking Italian, Napoleon was an ardent French nationalist with a taste for guns. In 1785, at the age of sixteen, he graduated from the prestigious Military School in Paris but soon joined the revolutionary cause. When counterrevolutionaries attacked the National a.s.sembly in 1795, he cleared the streets with cannons at point-blank range-typical Napoleon. In 1796 he led a Revolutionary army into northern Italy, where they defeated the Austrian army. Napoleon mixed with the grunts, who loved him, giving him the nickname "Little Corporal." He also proved his genius in battle by using cannons on horse-drawn wagons as devastating mobile artillery.To build his empire, Napoleon appealed to French nationalism, telling the French people they had a unique historical mission to free Europe from monarchy. But he was a megalomaniac himself: in 1804 he crowned himself emperor of France, putting the crown on his own head because no mortal was fit to confer the honor-even though the pope was present. (The whole "freeing Europe from monarchy" thing? Just kidding!)Realizing that Napoleon was bent on world domination, in 1805 Britain persuaded Austria and Russia to declare war on France again. Of course Britain was just beyond Napoleon's reach, an island fortress protected by the Royal Navy. So the Little Corporal did the next best thing, destroying the combined armies of Austria and Russia at Austerlitz on December 2, 1805, before Britain could lift a finger.Now there was no one to stop Napoleon. He annexed southern Italy, crowned himself "King of Italy," appointed his brother Jerome king of Westphalia, and created a new federal state, the Confederation of the Rhine, in western Germany, with himself as dictator. Napoleon also forced Francis II of Austria to dissolve the Holy Roman Empire, ending the millennium-old realm with a single decree. The Brits looked on helplessly, and in 1806 the strain (and heavy drinking to cope) killed Prime Minister Pitt.And there were still so many countries to conquer. In October 1806, after everyone else had been beaten, King Frederick Wilhelm III of Prussia finally joined the fray. Two weeks later, Napoleon stomped the Prussian armies at the Battle of Jena, and the brief adventure was over. Just for the heck of it, Napoleon also conquered Spain.With continental Europe under Napoleon's thumb, in 1807 Czar Alexander of Russia asked for negotiations. As part of the peace terms, Alexander was supposed to help Napoleon enforce a reverse blockade of Britain, called the Continental System. Unable to defeat Britain militarily, Napoleon thought he could bring the island to its knees by cutting off all its European trade. To buy time, Alexander agreed to turn on his former ally-for now.But Napoleon's heavy-handed approach created a backlash all over Europe, inspiring nationalist movements to combat the French "liberators" (more accurately "looters" and "rapists"). As b.l.o.o.d.y rebellions in Spain and Austria kept French troops tied down, in 1811 Czar Alexander of Russia split with France again, reopening trade with Britain and undermining Napoleon's Continental System.Alexander's betrayal made Napoleon very, very angry, and his judgment started to slip. He decided to punish Russia-and why not? Well, it turns out there are lots of reasons. In autumn, torrential rains turn primitive roads into rivers of mud. Then winter brings feet of snow. No wonder the Russians say their best commanders are "General Mud" and "General Winter."The French retreat from Moscow was one of history's worst military disasters. Cold, starving French troops were easy targets for Russian guerrilla fighters. Of the six hundred thousand soldiers who invaded Russia, ten thousand made it back to France. When they heard about the disaster, the kings of Prussia and Austria rejoined Britain and Russia in the fight against Napoleon. France was totally surrounded, and in April 1814, Napoleon was forced to abdicate. It was all over...well, almost.Napoleon went into exile on Elba, a small island off the Italian coast, but he couldn't stand the quiet life, so in 1815 he sneaked off the island and tried conquering Europe...again. After landing in southern France with three thousand diehard followers, Napoleon marched north to Paris, cheered on by huge crowds. Thousands of veterans flocked to his cause, and in less than a month he commanded an army of one hundred thousand seasoned fighters.

THAT'S NO GRAPE...

Was Napoleon's p.e.n.i.s really removed and preserved in a jar? Probably. According to Napoleon's servant Ali, he and a priest named Vignali removed unspecified pieces of Napoleon's body during his autopsy in 1821. Later Vignali's descendants sold his various Napoleon souvenirs, including the Little Corporal's little corporal, described as "one inch long and resembling a grape." In 1977, a Columbia University urologist, John K. Lattimer, bought it for $3,000.

With the old band back together, Napoleon was set to kick off a reunion tour of all the European capitals. And amazingly, he almost succeeded. He was mopping the floor with the Brits at Waterloo when their Prussian allies arrived to save the day. Humiliated and furious after Napoleon's "100 Days" adventure, the Brits sent him to St. Helena, a tiny rock in the south Atlantic, where he had no chance of escape. He died there in 1821.South America: UP UP Napoleon's conquest of Spain created a golden opportunity for another group of revolutionaries, in South America. The educated middle cla.s.s of Spain's New World territories had long resented European rule. When Napoleon conquered Spain in 1807, they seized the chance to go their own way, hoping to follow the example of the United States.Their leader was Simon Bolivar. The son of an old Colombian family that made its fortune from mining, the teenaged Bolivar journeyed to Europe for his education and even joined Napoleon's entourage for a time. But he was disgusted by Napoleon's betrayal of the principles of the French Revolution, and when Napoleon installed his brother Joseph as king of Spain in 1808, Bolivar led the revolution (several, actually) against the puppet government.A great leader, Bolivar efficiently liberated Venezuela, Colombia, Panama, and Ecuador in 1821. In 1824 he freed Peru and Bolivia (the latter is named after him). However, his plan for a "Greater Colombia" uniting the northern part of South America failed. And his ill-fated attempt to make himself dictator in 1828-followed by his flight to Europe in 1830-foreshadowed ugly developments in South America's future.Still, Bolivar's accomplishments had lasting effects all over the world. The tide of revolution rippled from South America back to Europe. Together with the American and French revolutions, Bolivar's national revolutions inspired European nationalists to create two new nation-states, Italy and Germany, in the mid-nineteenth century.

EUROPE DOES THE SHUFFLE.

After the defeat of Napoleon in 1815, the victorious European monarchs formed a new diplomatic club called the "Concert of Europe." To make sure France never became so strong again, this ultraconservative group decided to redraw the map of Europe. The only problem: they never consulted the "regular folks," who actually, you know, lived there. In the process, they set the stage for nationalist rebellions and the formation of Germany and Italy, which destroyed the balance of power. Smart move, guys!First up were France's closest and smallest neighbors, Belgium and Holland. These were lumped together into a single state, even though the Belgian Walloons and Dutch Flemings have nothing in common and don't particularly care for each other. The new state was called the "United Kingdom of the Netherlands" (an optimistic name).Poland, which had ceased to be an independent state in 1795, was due for another hundred years of getting kicked around. Most of the country was handed over to Russia as a "reward" for defeating Napoleon. The Russians also got Finland from Sweden as a buffer zone against fierce herds of reindeer, or something. And because Sweden lost Finland, it got Norway from Denmark (which had fought on the wrong side, as Napoleon's ally).How'd all these changes turn out? The United Kingdom of the Netherlands lasted all of fifteen years, until the Belgian Revolution of 1830 (which began with a riot at an opera). The Russians brutally crushed dissent in Poland, but that didn't prevent two major rebellions in 1830 and 1863. The Finns also came to hate the Russians and declared independence as soon as they could. Norway separated from Sweden peacefully in 1905.

Germany: UP ( UP (Everyone Else: NERVOUS) German nationalism began as a popular movement, before a conservative politician harnessed it on behalf of an old-school king. The politician, Otto von Bismarck, used trickery and warfare to unite eleven kingdoms in a German Empire. His boss, King Frederick III of Prussia, became the first "Kaiser" of the new German Reich.

THE QUOTABLE OTTO VON B.

"I have seen three emperors in their nakedness, and the sight was not inspiring.""Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.""The great questions of the day will not be settled by means of speeches and majority decisions but by iron and blood."

After Napoleon's defeat in 1815, smaller German kingdoms looked to Prussia as a protector-and maybe unifier. But with the French Revolution fresh in their memories, Prussian kings still feared popular nationalism. Legitimacy must come from royal blood, not public opinion. So in 1848, when German nationalists formed a national a.s.sembly, wrote a const.i.tution, and asked King Frederick Wilhelm IV of Prussia to rule as a const.i.tutional monarch, he refused to accept a "crown from the gutter."However, his successor, Frederick III, realized that national unification could make Prussia even more powerful-and no one ever said Germany had to be a democracy. democracy. His boy Bismarck just needed to neutralize Austria and France, which would never accept such a powerful neighbor. That's where Bismarck's brand-new Prussian army came in. In three stunning campaigns, Bismarck totally destroyed the armies of Austria-Hungary and France (and Denmark, for good measure). Prussian troops briefly occupied Paris in 1871, confirming that France was no longer king of the hill. To drive the point home in the most humiliating way possible, Bismarck arranged to have Frederick III crowned Kaiser of the new German Empire in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles-Louis XIV's old stomping grounds. His boy Bismarck just needed to neutralize Austria and France, which would never accept such a powerful neighbor. That's where Bismarck's brand-new Prussian army came in. In three stunning campaigns, Bismarck totally destroyed the armies of Austria-Hungary and France (and Denmark, for good measure). Prussian troops briefly occupied Paris in 1871, confirming that France was no longer king of the hill. To drive the point home in the most humiliating way possible, Bismarck arranged to have Frederick III crowned Kaiser of the new German Empire in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles-Louis XIV's old stomping grounds.In 1871 Germany had the same population as France, around forty-one million, but it also had a much higher birth rate, and its economy was developing more rapidly. Even more ominous, the aggressive Germans had a chip on their collective shoulder. More trouble was brewing...Austria: DOWN DOWN Getting slapped around by Napoleon and Bismarck wasn't Austria's only problem: it had at least twenty. The emperor of Austria presided over dozens of different ethnic groups with their own languages. In simpler times, all these groups respected the authority of the Holy Roman Emperor (the Austrian "Kaiser"). But the Magyar n.o.bles who ruled Hungary were "hungry" (okay, that was bad) for more power, and popular nationalism gave them political leverage.In 1867, Hungary's Magyar n.o.bles forced Emperor Karl I to recognize Hungary as a distinct kingdom within his empire. Now he was officially called the emperor of Austria and the king of Hungary. This might not seem like a big difference, but it meant that Hungary got its own const.i.tution and parliament, and Austria was now called Austria-Hungary.Ironically, nationalism proved to be a double-edged sword for the Magyar n.o.bles. The Kingdom of Hungary contained many national minorities, including Romanians, Serbians, Croatians, Slovenians, and Bosnians-and they all wanted out. Now the Magyar n.o.bles themselves were on the defensive. In short, Austria-Hungary was an utter mess, and the stage was set for catastrophic collapse.Italy: UP UP As a Corsican, Napoleon Bonaparte was understandably sympathetic to Italian nationalism and decreed a united Italy (under his control, of course). Although the Concert of Europe split them up again, the Italians didn't forget their brief experience of national unity. After Napoleon's downfall, two Giuseppes emerged to lead Italian nationalism-one a poet, one a warrior. The poet was Giuseppe Mazzini, an essayist who began advocating an Italian republic in the 1830s. The warrior was Giuseppe Garibaldi, who led several Italian rebellions and tried to drive the Austrians out of northern Italy in the 1830s1840s. But all these attempts failed.Like Germany it took a bureaucrat to finally create the new Italian state. Count Camillo Cavour helped King Victor Emmanuel II of Piedmont-Sardinia conquer most of Italy's other small states and proclaim himself king of Italy in 1861, bringing the whole peninsula under a single ruler for the first time in almost fifteen hundred years. Still, Pope Pius IX was so nervous about Italian nationalism that he wouldn't let Victor proclaim Rome his capital. But nationalism was now stronger than the Church: in 1870 Victor seized Rome and confiscated most of the papal states, leaving Pius IX the Vatican City as a consolation prize.The Ottoman Empire: DOWN DOWN The Ottoman Empire had been declining for centuries, but the spread of nationalism made it even more decline-y. Beginning in the Napoleonic Era, the Slavic peoples were inspired by the French Revolution to fight for their freedom and embrace their national ident.i.ties.In 1821, Greek nationalists launched a rebellion with support from Western European intellectuals who admired the ancient Greeks. The cause attracted pa.s.sionate artists such as Romantic poet Lord Byron, who traveled to Greece to dramatically organize supplies to the rebels before dramatically dying of fever in 1824. The Turks finally acknowledged Greek independence in 1832.Meanwhile, the ornery Serbs were also agitating for independence, beginning with a revolt that lasted from 1804 to 1813. Serbia finally became independent in 1878, and its rebellion opened the way for other nationalist movements in Romania, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and Bulgaria in the 1870s and 1880s. By the late nineteenth century the Ottoman Empire was wheezing and coughing up blood-but it still still wouldn't die. wouldn't die.

BUT "SAHARA DESERT" DIDN'T RHYME...

The Marine Corps anthem's opening line about "the sh.o.r.es of Tripoli" isn't quite accurate. In 1801 Thomas Jefferson sent the United States Navy to the Mediterranean to protect merchant s.h.i.+ps from Barbary pirates-Arab bandits operating out of the decaying Ottoman Empire in Libya and Algeria. In 1805 the ambitious American commander cut to the root of the problem by capturing Tripoli...not from the sea, as expected, but in a surprise attack overland across the Sahara desert.

Persia: DOWN DOWN Persia had a little revolution of its own in 1781, but this was a far cry from the American and French revolutions. While the latter produced ma.s.sive changes in government and society, the founding of Persia's Qajar Dynasty was basically a game of musical chairs before returning to business as usual. Persia was only going to get weaker.Like most of the tribes that ruled Persia for most of history, the Qajars were semi-nomadic hors.e.m.e.n who overthrew another group of semi-nomadic hors.e.m.e.n (the Zand), who had themselves kicked out yet another group of semi-nomadic hors.e.m.e.n (the Safavids) in 1747. While they all despised each other, these tribes had a lot in common, including contempt for urban civilization, general viciousness, and good old-fas.h.i.+oned greed. The Qajar didn't really have the time or inclination for government; instead they focused on collecting tribute, hunting, and not getting killed by their cousins.The tone was set by Agha Mohammad Khan, the dynasty's founder. Castrated by his father's enemies as a young boy, Agha apparently held a grudge against pretty much the whole world. When he blinded twenty thousand men in the city of Kerman, for example, he was just being nice: usually he killed all the inhabitants and burned the city to the ground. After Agha's a.s.sa.s.sination in 1797, the throne went to his nephew Fat'h Ali Shah, who was smarter and nicer than his uncle, but not much good at the whole government thing.

Rule Britannica After receiving the 1797 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica, Fat'h Ali Shah read the whole thing and added a new t.i.tle to his list: "Most Formidable Lord and Master of the Encyclopedia Britannica."