Delirium Part 12

Alex doesn't answer and I realize he doesn't have an answer, just like I suspected-there's no reason for it at all. He's picked me at random, as a joke, or because he knew I'd be too scared to tell on him.

But then he starts speaking. His story is so rapid and fluid you can tell he has thought about it a lot, the kind of story you tell over and over to yourself until the edges get all smoothed over. "I was born in the Wilds. My mother died right afterward; my father's dead. He never knew he had a son. I lived there for the first part of my life, just kind of bouncing around. All the other"- he hesitates slightly, and I can hear the grimace in his voice-"Invalids took care of me together. Like a community thing." took care of me together. Like a community thing."

Outside, the crickets pause temporarily in their song. For a second it's like nothing bad has happened, like nothing has happened tonight out of the ordinary at all-just another hot and lazy summer night, waiting for morning to peel it back. Pain knifes through me in that moment, but it has nothing to do with my leg. It strikes me how small everything is, our whole world, everything with meaning-our stores and our raids and our jobs and our lives, even. Meanwhile the world just goes on the same as always, night cycling into day and back into night, an endless circle; seasons s.h.i.+fting and reforming like a monster shaking off its skin and growing it again.

Alex keeps talking. "I came into Portland when I was ten, to join up with the resistance here. I won't tell you how. It was complicated. I got an ID number; I got a new last name, a new home address. There are more of us than you think-Invalids, and sympathizers, too-more of us than anybody knows. We have people in the police force, and all the munic.i.p.al departments. We have people in the labs, even."

Goose b.u.mps pop up all over my arms when he says this.

"My point is that it's possible possible to get in and out. Difficult, but possible. I moved in with two strangers-sympathizers, both of them-and was told to call them my aunt and uncle." He shrugs ever so slightly next to me. "I didn't care. I'd never known my real parents, and I'd been raised by dozens of different aunts and uncles. It didn't make a difference to me." to get in and out. Difficult, but possible. I moved in with two strangers-sympathizers, both of them-and was told to call them my aunt and uncle." He shrugs ever so slightly next to me. "I didn't care. I'd never known my real parents, and I'd been raised by dozens of different aunts and uncles. It didn't make a difference to me."

His voice has gotten super quiet, and he seems almost to have forgotten that I'm there. I'm not exactly sure where his story is going but I hold my breath, afraid that if I even so much as exhale he'll stop speaking entirely.

"I hated it here. I hated it here so much you can't even imagine. All the buildings and the people looking so dazed and the smells and the closeness of everything and the rules-rules everywhere you turned, rules and walls, rules and walls. I wasn't used to it. I felt like I was in a cage. We are are in a cage: a bordered cage." in a cage: a bordered cage."

A little shock pulses through me. In all the seventeen years and eleven months of my life I have never, not once, thought of it that way. I've been so used to thinking of what the borders are keeping out out that I haven't considered that they're also penning us that I haven't considered that they're also penning us in in. Now I see it through Alex's eyes, see what it must have been like for him.

"At first I was angry. I used to light things on fire. Paper, handbooks, school primers. It made me feel better somehow." He laughs softly. "I even burned my copy of The The Book of Shhh. Book of Shhh."

Another shock pulses through me: Defacing or destroying The The Book of Shhh Book of Shhh is sacrilege. is sacrilege.

"I used to walk along the borders for hours every day. Sometimes I cried." He squirms next to me, and I can tell he's embarra.s.sed. It's the first sign he has given in a while that he knows I'm still there, that he's talking to me, and the urge to reach out and grab his hand, to squeeze him or give him some kind of rea.s.surance, is almost overwhelming. But I keep my hands glued to the floor. "After a while, though, I would just walk. I liked to watch the birds. They would lift off from our side and soar over into the Wilds, as easily as anything. Back and forth, back and forth, lifting and curling through the air. I could watch them for hours at a time. Free: They were totally free. I'd thought that nothing and n.o.body was free in Portland, but I was wrong. There were always the birds."

He falls silent for a while, and I think maybe he's done with his story. I wonder if he's forgotten about my original question-why me?-but I'm too embarra.s.sed to remind him, so I just sit there and imagine him standing at the border, motionless, watching the birds swoop above his head. It calms me down.

After what seems like forever he starts talking again, this time in a voice so quiet I have to s.h.i.+ft nearer to him just to hear. "The first time I saw you, at the Governor, I hadn't been to watch the birds at the border in years. But that's what you reminded me of. You were jumping up, and you were yelling something, and your hair was coming loose from your ponytail, and you were so fast fast...." He shakes his head. "Just a flash, and then you were gone. Exactly like a bird."

I don't know how-I hadn't intended to move and hadn't noticed moving-but somehow we've ended up face-to-face in the dark, only inches apart.

"Everyone is asleep. They've been asleep for years. You seemed... awake." Alex is whispering now. He closes his eyes, opens them again. "I'm tired of sleeping."

My insides are lifting and fluttering like they've done what he said and been transformed into swooping, soaring birds: The rest of my body seems to be floating away on ma.s.sive currents of warmth, as though a hot wind is pus.h.i.+ng through me, breaking me apart, turning me to air.

This is wrong, a voice says inside of me, but it isn't my voice. It's someone else's-some composite of my aunt, and Rachel, and all my teachers, and the pinchy evaluator who asked most of the questions the second time around.

Out loud I squeak, "No," even though another word is rising and lifting inside of me, bubbling up like fresh water sprung from the earth. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

"Why?" He's barely whispering. His hands find my face, his fingertips barely skim my forehead, the top of my ears, the hollows of my cheeks. Everywhere he touches is fire. My whole body is burning up, the two of us becoming twin points of the same bright white flame. "What are you afraid of?"

"You have to understand. I just want to be happy." I can barely get the words out. My mind is a haze, full of smoke-nothing exists but his fingers dancing and skating over my skin, through my hair. I wish it would stop. I want it to go on forever. "I just want to be normal, like everybody else."

"Are you sure that being like everybody else will make you happy?" The barest whisper; his breath on my ear and neck, his mouth grazing my skin. And I think then I might really have died. Maybe the dog bit me and I got clubbed on the head and this is all just a dream-the rest of the world has dissolved. Only him. Only me. Only us.

"I don't know any other way." I can't feel my mouth open, don't feel the words come, but there they are, floating on the dark.

He says, "Let me show you."

And then we're kissing. Or at least, I think we're kissing-I've only seen it done a couple of times, quick closed-mouth pecks at weddings or on formal occasions. But this isn't like anything I've ever seen, or imagined, or even dreamed: This is like music or dancing but better than both. His mouth is slightly open so I open mine, too. His lips are soft, the same soft pressure as the quietly insistent voice in my head that keeps saying yes yes.

The warmth is only growing inside of me, waves of light swelling and breaking and making me feel like I'm floating. His fingers lace my hair, cup my neck and the back of my head, skim over my shoulders, and without thinking about it or meaning to, my hands find his chest, move over the heat of his skin, the bones of his shoulder blades like wing tips, the curve of his jaw, just stubbled with hair-all of it strange and unfamiliar and gloriously, deliciously new. My heart is drumming in my chest so hard it aches, but it's the good kind of ache, like the feeling you get on the first day of real autumn, when the air is crisp and the leaves are all flaring at the edges and the wind smells just vaguely of smoke-like the end and the beginning of something all at once. Under my hand I swear I can feel his heart beating out a response, an immediate echo of mine, as though our bodies are speaking to each other.

And suddenly it's all so ridiculously and stupidly clear I feel like laughing. This is what I want. This is the only thing I've ever wanted. Everything else-every single second of every single day that has come before this very moment, this kiss-has meant nothing.

When he finally pulls away it's like a blanket has come down over my brain, quieting all my buzzing thoughts and questions, filling me with a calm and happiness as deep and cool as snow. The only word left there is yes yes. Yes to everything.

I really like you, Lena. Do you believe me now?

Yes.

Can I walk you home?

Yes.

Can I see you tomorrow?

Yes, yes, yes.

The streets are empty by now. The whole city is silent and still. The whole city might have wound down into nothing, burned away while we were in the shed, and I wouldn't have noticed or cared. The walk home is fuzzy, a dream. He holds my hand the whole way and we stop to kiss twice again in the longest, deepest shadows we can find. Both times I wish the shadows were solid, had weight, and they would fold down around us and bury us there so we could stay like that forever, chest to chest, lip to lip. Both times I feel my chest seize up when he pulls away and takes my hand and we have to start walking again, not not kissing, like suddenly I can only breathe correctly when we are. kissing, like suddenly I can only breathe correctly when we are.

Somehow-too soon-I'm home, and whispering good-bye to him and feeling his lips brush mine one last time, as light as wind.

Then I'm sneaking into the house and up the stairs and into the bedroom, and it's not until I've been lying in bed for a long time, s.h.i.+vering, aching, missing him already, that I realize my aunt and my teachers and the scientists are right about the deliria deliria. As I lie there with the hurt driving through my chest and the sick, anxious feeling churning through me and the desire for Alex so strong inside of me it's like a razor blade edging its way through my organs, shredding me, all I can think is: It will kill me, it will kill me, it will kill me. And I don't care. It will kill me, it will kill me, it will kill me. And I don't care.

Chapter Fifteen.

Last G.o.d created Adam and Eve, to live together happily as husband and wife: eternal partners. They lived peacefully for years in a beautiful garden full of tall, straight plants that grew in neat rows, and well-behaved animals to serve as pets. Their minds were as clear and untroubled as the pale and cloudless blue sky, which hung like a canopy over their heads. They were untouched by illness, pain, or desire. They did not dream. They did not ask questions. Each morning they woke as refreshed as newborns. Everything was always the same, but it always felt new and good.

-From Genesis: A Complete History of the World and the Known Universe Genesis: A Complete History of the World and the Known Universe, by Steven Horace, PhD, Harvard University The next day, a Sat.u.r.day, I wake up thinking of Alex. Then I try to stand up, and pain shoots through my leg. Hitching up my pajamas, I see a small spot of blood has seeped through the T-s.h.i.+rt Alex wrapped around my calf. I know I should wash it or change the bandage or do something, but I'm too scared to see how bad the damage is. The details from the party-of screaming and shoving and dogs and batons whirling through the air, deadly-come flooding back, and for a moment I'm sure I'm going to be sick. Then the dizziness subsides and I think of Hana.

Our phone is in the kitchen. My aunt is at the sink, was.h.i.+ng dishes, and gives me a small look of surprise when I come downstairs. I catch a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror. I look terrible-hair sticking up all over my head, big bags under my eyes-and it strikes me as unbelievable that anyone could ever find me pretty.

But someone does. Thinking of Alex makes a golden glow spread through me.

"Better hurry," Carol says. "You'll be late for work. I was just about to wake you."

"I just have to call Hana," I say. I snake the cord as far as it will go and back up into the pantry, so at least I'll have some privacy.

I try Hana's house first. One, two, three, four, five rings. Then the answering machine clicks on. "You've reached the Tate residence. Please leave a message of no more than two minutes...." "You've reached the Tate residence. Please leave a message of no more than two minutes...."

I hang up quickly. My fingers have begun to tremble, and I have trouble punching in Hana's cell phone number. Straight to voice mail.

Her greeting is exactly the same as it's always been ("Hey, sorry I couldn't get to the phone. Or maybe I'm not sorry I couldn't get to the phone-it depends on who's calling." Or maybe I'm not sorry I couldn't get to the phone-it depends on who's calling."), her voice coming in fuzzy, bubbling with suppressed laughter. Hearing it-the normalcy of it-after last night gives me a jolt, like suddenly dreaming yourself back into a place you haven't thought about for a while. I remember the day she recorded it. It was after school and we were in her room, and she went through about a million greetings before she settled on that one. I was bored and kept whacking her with a pillow whenever she wanted to try just one more just one more.

"Hana, you need to call me," I say into the phone, keeping my voice as low as possible. I'm far too aware that my aunt is listening. "I'm working today. You can reach me at the store."

I hang up, feeling dissatisfied and guilty. While I was in the shed last night with Alex, she could have been hurt or in trouble; I should have done more to find her.

"Lena." My aunt calls me sharply back into the kitchen just as I'm headed upstairs to get ready.

"Yes?"

She comes forward a few steps. Something in her expression makes me anxious.

"Are you limping?"she asks. I've been trying as hard as possible to walk normally.

I look away. It's easier to lie when I'm not staring in her eyes. "I don't think so."

"Don't lie to me." Her voice turns cold. "You think I don't know what this is about, but I do." For one terrified second I think she's going to ask me to roll up my pajama pants, or tell me she knows about the party. But then she says, "You've been running again, haven't you? Even though I told you not to."

"Only once," I blurt out, relieved. "I think I may have twisted my ankle."

Carol shakes her head and looks disappointed. "Honestly, Lena. I don't know when you started disobeying me. I thought that you of all people-" She breaks off. "Oh, well. Only five weeks to go, right? Then all of this will be worked out."

"Right." I force myself to smile.

All morning, I oscillate between worrying about Hana and thinking of Alex. I ring up the wrong charge for customers twice and have to call for Jed, my uncle's general manager, to come override it. Then I knock down a whole shelf of frozen pasta dinners, and mislabel a dozen cartons of cottage cheese. Thank G.o.d my uncle's not in the store today; he's out doing deliveries, so it's just Jed and me. And Jed hardly looks at me or speaks to me except in grunts, so I'm pretty sure he's not going to notice that I've suddenly turned into a clumsy, incompetent mess.

I know part of the problem, of course. The disorientation, the distraction, the difficulty focusing-all cla.s.sic Phase One signs of deliria deliria. But I don't care. If pneumonia felt this good I'd stand out in the snow in the winter with bare feet and no coat on, or march into the hospital and kiss pneumonia patients.

I've told Alex about my work schedule and we've agreed to meet up at Back Cove directly after my s.h.i.+ft, at six o'clock. The minutes crawl toward noon. I swear I've never seen time go more slowly. It's like every second needs encouragement just to click forward into the next. I keep willing the clock to go faster, but it seems to be resisting me deliberately. I see a customer picking her nose in the tiny aisle of (kind of) fresh produce; I look at the clock; look back at the customer; look back at the clock-and the second hand still still hasn't moved. I have this terrible fear that time will stop completely, while this woman has her pinkie finger buried up her right nostril, right in front of the tray of wilted lettuce. hasn't moved. I have this terrible fear that time will stop completely, while this woman has her pinkie finger buried up her right nostril, right in front of the tray of wilted lettuce.

At noon I get a fifteen-minute break, and I go outside and sit on the sidewalk and choke down a few bites of a sandwich, even though I'm not hungry. The antic.i.p.ation of seeing Alex again is messing with my appet.i.te big-time. Another sign of the deliria deliria.

Bring it.

At one o'clock Jed starts restocking the shelves, and I'm still stuck behind the counter. It's wickedly hot, and there's a fly trapped in the store that keeps buzzing around and b.u.mping up against the overhanging shelf above my head, where we keep a few packs of cigarettes and bottles of Mylanta and things like that. The droning of the fly and the tiny fan whirring behind my back and the heat all make me want to sleep. If I could, I would rest my head on the counter and dream, and dream, and dream. I would dream I was back in the shed with Alex. I would dream of the firmness of his chest pressed against mine and the strength of his hands and his voice saying, "Let me show you."

The bell above the door chimes once and I snap out of my reverie.

And there he is, walking through the door with his hands stuffed in the pockets of a pair of raggedy board shorts, and his hair sticking up all crazy around his head like it really is made out of leaves and twigs. Alex.

I nearly topple off my stool.

He shoots me a quick sideways grin and then starts walking the aisles lazily, picking up really random things-like a bag of pork skin cracklings and a can of really gross cauliflower soup-and making exaggerated noises of interest, like "This looks delicious delicious," so it's all I can do to keep from cracking up laughing. He has to squeeze by Jed at one point-the aisles at the store are pretty narrow, and Jed's not exactly a lightweight-and when Jed barely glances at him, a thrill shoots through me. He doesn't know. He doesn't know that I can still taste Alex's lips against mine, can still feel his hand sliding over my shoulders.

For the first time in my life I've done something for me and by choice and not because somebody told me it was good or bad. As Alex walks through the store, I think that there's an invisible thread tethering us together, and somehow it makes me feel more powerful than ever before.

Finally Alex comes up to the counter with a pack of gum, a bag of chips, and a root beer.

"Will that be all?" I say, careful to keep my voice steady. But I can feel the color rising to my cheeks. His eyes are amazing today, almost pure gold.

He nods. "That's all."

I ring him up, my hands shaking, desperate to say something more to him but worried that Jed will hear. At that moment another customer comes in, an older man who has the look of a regulator. So I count out Alex's change as slowly and carefully as I can, trying to keep him standing in front of me for as long as possible.

But there are only so many ways you can count change for a five-dollar bill. Eventually I pa.s.s him his change. Our hands connect as I place the bills in his palm, and a shock of electricity goes through me. I want to grab him, pull him toward me, kiss him right there.

"Have a great day." My voice sounds high-pitched, strangled. I'm surprised I can even get the words out.

"Oh, I will." He shoots me his amazing, crooked smile as he backs up toward the door. "I'm going to the Cove."

And then he's gone, pivoting out into the street. I try to watch him go, but the sun blinds me as soon as he's out the door and he turns into a winking, blurry shadow, wavering and disappearing.

I can't stand it. I hate thinking of him weaving through the streets, getting farther and farther away. And I have five more hours to get through before I'm supposed to meet him. I'll never make it. Before I can think about what I'm doing, I duck around the counter, peeling off the ap.r.o.n I've been wearing since dealing with a leak in one of the freezer cases.

"Jed, grab the register for a second, okay?" I call.

He blinks at me confusedly. "Where are you going?"

"Customer," I say. "I gave him the wrong change."

"But-," Jed starts to say. I don't stop to hear his objections. I can imagine what they'll be, anyway. But you counted his change for five minutes But you counted his change for five minutes. Oh well. So Jed will think I'm stupid. I can live with it.

Down the street Alex is paused on the corner, waiting for a city truck to grumble past.

"Hey!" I shout out, and he turns. A woman pus.h.i.+ng a stroller on the other side of the street stops, raises her hand to s.h.i.+eld her eyes, and follows my progress down the street. I'm going as fast as I can, but the pain in my leg makes it difficult to do more than hobble along. I can feel the woman's gaze p.r.i.c.king up and down my body like a series of needles.

"I gave you the wrong change," I call out again, even though I'm close enough to him now to speak normally. Hopefully it will get the woman off my back. But she keeps watching us.

"You shouldn't have come," I whisper, when I catch up to him. I pretend to press something into his hand. "I told you I'd meet you later."

He moves his hand easily to his pocket, picking up seamlessly on our little charade, and whispers back, "I couldn't wait."

Alex waggles his hand in my face and looks stern, like he's scolding me for being careless. But his voice is soft and sweet. Again I have the sensation that nothing else is real-not the sun, or the buildings, or the woman across the street, still staring at us.

"There's a blue door around the corner, in the alley," I say quietly as I back away, raising my hands like I'm apologizing. "Meet me there in five. Knock four times." Then, more loudly, I say, "Listen, I'm really sorry. Like I said, it was an honest mistake."

Then I turn and limp back to the store. I can't believe what I've just done. I can't believe the risks I'm taking. But I need to see him. I need to kiss kiss him. I need it as much as I've ever needed anything. I have that same pressing feeling in my chest like when I'm at the very end of one of my sprints and I'm just dying, screaming to stop, to catch my breath. him. I need it as much as I've ever needed anything. I have that same pressing feeling in my chest like when I'm at the very end of one of my sprints and I'm just dying, screaming to stop, to catch my breath.

"Thanks," I say to Jed, taking my spot behind the counter. He mumbles something unintelligible to me and shuffles back toward his clipboard and pen, which he has left lying on the floor in aisle three: CANDY, SODA, CHIPS CANDY, SODA, CHIPS.

The guy I made for a regulator has his nose buried in one of the freezer compartments. I'm not sure whether he's looking for a frozen dinner or just taking advantage of the free cold air. Either way, as I look at him I have a flashback to last night, to the whistling of the air as the clubs came down like scythes, and I feel a rush of hatred for him-for all of them. I fantasize about pus.h.i.+ng the old guy inside the freezers and bolting the door over his head.

Thinking about the raids makes me anxious about Hana again. News of the raids is in all the papers. Apparently hundreds of people all over Portland were taken last night to be interrogated, or summarily s.h.i.+pped off to the Crypts, though I didn't hear anyone reference the party in the Highlands specifically.

I tell myself if Hana hasn't called me back by this evening, I'll go to her house. I tell myself that in the meantime there's no point point in worrying, but all the same the guilty feeling keeps worming around in my stomach. in worrying, but all the same the guilty feeling keeps worming around in my stomach.

The old guy is still hovering over the freezer compartments and paying me absolutely no attention. Good. I slip on the ap.r.o.n again, and then, after checking to see that Jed isn't watching, reach up and grab all the bottles of ibuprofen-about a dozen of them-and slide them into the ap.r.o.n pocket.

Then I sigh loudly. "Jed, I need you to cover for me again."

He looks up with those watery blue eyes. Blink, blink. "I'm reshelving."